Matt Murdock could feel his heart drop when the bullet hit Foggy Nelson.
It felt like an eternity and like forever had passed. It felt like a dream.
Foggy had been hurt before. How many times had their line of work, Matt and his line of work, hurt him? How many times had he bounced back, back home, back to Matt and Karen? Yes, Foggy was hurt, but he couldn't be dying. Matt could feel his heartbeat like a drum in his ears, beating steadily.
Foggy was always steady. He would make it through. Matt knew it, believed in it like he believed in nothing else, not even god, fuck, not even their own relationship — because how many times had Matt himself almost sabotaged back? And as much faith as he had in their love for each other, Matt knew better than to take it for granted. Even as he'd even grown to accept the fact that this was precious because it could end, grown to love the idea that he'd slowly stop being Daredevil not just for Foggy's sake but also his own (and imagine Foggy's smile, his relief, oh, how Matt hated himself for causing Foggy so much distress), Matt knew that Foggy had enough self-respect to walk out someday if Matt fucked up too bad, and he knew that it would've been the right decision.
But right now, their relationship that they'd put so much effort into didn't matter, because Foggy Nelson was shot, Foggy, stupidly trusting, stupidly trying to save Matt from himself — “maybe I just didn't want to give you an excuse,” Foggy had said, and maybe Foggy was right again because look how Matt had run away from him to save someone else, stopping him from saving the only life that mattered so much that Matt knew his soul would break if it was lost because Foggy Nelson was the one loss Matt had never been able to live with.
Foggy. Ten other people shot at the bar, but it was that one person that Matt could bring himself to think about as he manically tracked down Dex. He'd never regretted letting people live the way he regretted this choice, right now. Foggy's heartbeat was racing, he could hear Karen's racing too and ten other heartbeats slowing, he could hear the distant sound of sirens, but the only thing that Matt cared about was that Foggy's heart didn't stop. And Matt knew it wouldn't. Today was a day he'd look back at with his friends and laugh about, he could hear himself joke about how terrified he was in those few minutes and later, some night, admit to Foggy that he'd made a promise to God that if Foggy lived, he'd never be Daredevil again. Foggy would joke about Matt making a deal with the heavens and Matt would whisper that he'd have made a bargain with the devil himself and given up his own soul if only it meant Foggy would walk the earth.
A small part of Matt whispered to him, asking him to turn back, stay with Foggy and Karen until the ambulance arrived because just in case, but Matt paid it little attention. Accepting that Foggy was flirting with Death wasn't something Matt was prepared to do. Not any day and especially not today, the one-month anniversary of him and Foggy picking out a flat together. It wasn't something entirely new — Foggy mostly stayed at Matt's anyway, which explained why he'd let someone else into his own house, but they were meant to move in next week and there was no fucking way today was the day he'd say goodbye to Foggy. He'd fought himself and the devil in him for their relationship. He wasn’t going to let a random shooting one day put an end to that.
He heard Karen begging Foggy again, and felt his heart drop another inch closer to his stomach. Maybe he should turn back. But turning back meant letting go of Dex for hurting Foggy and everyone else, and someone would have to serve justice. Also, what would that mean for Foggy and Karen's safety later? He couldn't put them at risk. Yeah, that's definitely why, the annoying fucking voice in him whispered and he squeezed his eyes shut until all he could sense were Foggy and the man in front of him.
And then,
suddenly
only the man in front of him.
He couldn't hear Foggy breathe.
He tuned everything else out, trying to hear even a short whisper of a breath, but he heard nothing. A silence somehow sharper than the sound of the bullet hitting Foggy had been, a silence enveloping itself around Matt and squeezing its way into his head until he could feel nothing else.
Foggy wasn't dead. He couldn't be.
This wasn't how things were meant to go.
Matt held Dex at the edge of the balcony.
He felt his own heartbeat. One, when there should have been another next to it. Foggy didn’t want him to be Daredevil because he was worried, and Matt had always understood because he carried the same fear of crossing the lines he drew for himself, but for once, Matt couldn't bring himself to care. Even if he hadn't before, he'd always cared in the moment. But he didn't now.
Foggy's heartbeat was gone.
Matt let go.
***
Matt was no stranger to death. How many people had he lost? He'd mourned on a terrace before, too. Death wasn't new to him. But this somehow was.
Everything was too fucking slow.
And realization was settling in, just like how his tears were streaming down his skin, blood seeping out of his wounds. Matt was hearing himself make a wounded cry that he didn't know he could have.
The ambulance had arrived, Karen had gone in, but Matt stayed there. Regret like he'd never felt before filled the air, crushing his lungs with his smoke and he found himself gasping for breath. If only he'd played it safe, stuck by Foggy, he'd have been able to stop the bullet in time. Matt knew the truth of that statement. If he'd stopped being Daredevil sooner, maybe Foggy would've trusted him with that information sooner and Matt would've been able to help. He remembered what his pastor used to say about not getting tied up in what-ifs, and Matt knew how pointless grief could feel. But this was different.
Foggy Nelson was not meant to die.
And Matt Murdock could have prevented it.
And Foggy's death felt so… unnecessary. He didn't have to die. How many times had Matt imagined Foggy leaving him, this time forever? How many times had Matt heard Foggy scream at him, plead with him to listen to reason? How many times had Matt killed Foggy in his head in a million different ways with different stories — always with a safety net of Foggy's life going on, never with the possibility of Foggy dying. Matt had thought he had protected himself against all possibilities of what could go wrong, every single day. Still, he'd never imagined Foggy dying, dying because of Daredevil.
And he hadn't been next to him.
Finally, Matt felt something. He felt his heart rip, tearing itself into shreds so thin, so stretched that he could hardly breathe again. Every part of his body pulled him to the ground, and Matt considered throwing himself off the balcony, too.
What difference would it make? Foggy Nelson was dead, and Matt Murdock had died with him.
But his body was too heavy, and Matt couldn't bring himself to get up and jump off the balcony. And the chances that he'd actually die were low, because Dex somehow survived, and if Dex was alive then Matt should live and ensure he was punished for his crimes.
And that voice that had urged Matt to act differently whispered to him, you don't deserve to die, and Matt knew that it was right. Even if he remained as a ghost, Matt would live because he didn't deserve to die because somehow the tables had turned and he'd abandoned Foggy instead, and for his crime, he would serve himself justice, too. He would live. That would be his punishment.