I Am

Hydraulics hissed as the jet’s ramp deployed, hitting the snow with a soft whump.

Bucky looked up at the sounds. He was sitting at a small circular table of polished wood opposite Steve, and they were neck-deep in their fourth game of Gin Rummy. Clint was chattering on about something in the kitchen, talking incessantly to everyone and no one about the science of archery. And in the sleeping quarters, Frank sat cross-legged, polishing his guns in an eerie silence.

Although Clint had been to the Antarctic research base before, he had had nothing to offer them for their attack plan. He had, by his own account, improvised his entire way there, piecing together the base’s layout in his head as he made his way down. Bucky accepted that. Much like Sai, Clint was an experienced stealth operative who had his own way of doing things. Unfortunately, this way of doing things risked endangering the entire mission. So they had to do some scouting before they went in.

Bucky gave Sai a smile as she made her way inside. He had offered to help her with reconnaissance duty - stealth and infiltration was his specialty, since his days as an assassin - but she had gracefully declined. “I am sure you are skilled, James,” she had responded evenly, “but I have adjusted to scouting with my powers. I fear our styles would not suit one another well.”

At the time, he was glad. He wasn’t eager to head out into the snow until he absolutely had to; the jet had a pleasant smell of pine, was warm (though how this was possible in the South Pole eluded Bucky), comfortable, and considerably more safe than a HYDRA base. Boy, was I wrong. If i’m not doing recon, then I’m waiting for them to get back. And the waiting’s worse. Three hours. So many times, he had had to physically stop himself from walking to the ramp and going in himself.

But already the anxiety from the wait was disappearing. Adrenaline was spreading through his system. Marching drums were pounding a tempo in his head, calling him to the front lines once more - or was that just his heart speeding up for the inevitable battle? He set his hand of cards down on the table, and stood to face the returning mutant. Steve was standing as well, he noticed, and knew his old friend was feeling that same clarion call. “What did you find?” Bucky prompted.

Sai crossed the room, her face creased with thought. Carried under her arm was a sheet of laminated paper. She placed it on the table, and Steve moved their cards away, the game forgotten. Bucky looked over Sai’s shoulder, while Steve placed his hands on the table and leaned in. Clint strolled in from the kitchen and sat gracelessly down in Steve’s chair, an elegantly-shaped glass of water in hand. 

The paper had an inexplicable combination of a coffee mug stain on one side and Blu-Tack on the other. Dust and grime made the experience of looking at the diagram something akin to looking into an unclean fish tank, but there was no questioning just what trophy the ninja had brought back with her. 

“How did you find a map, Sai?” Steve breathed, after a moment. 

“This is a fire evacuation plan.” Clint was also examining the map, though he hadn’t bothered to stand. “Got a floor plan and everything. Why’d HYDRA have something like this at their James Bond lab?”

“Scientists are important,” Bucky replied.

“Right,” Clint grinned. “Gotta save the Victor Frankensteins if you wanna make more monsters.” His smile vanished. “I, um, I didn’t mean–”

Bucky waved a hand absent-mindedly, his concentration still trained on the map. Every couple of seconds, a soft scraping sound echoed from the bedroom; Bucky guessed that Frank had moved on to sharpening his combat knife. The complex was divided into three floors. The top floor was the very picture of a self-sufficient research facility cut off from the world; a kitchen/laundry room, a few lavatories, an infirmary, a few bedrooms, a rec room, a dining hall, a few storage rooms, and several rooms labelled “LAB.”, followed by a number. Innocent enough, he mused. If anyone came snooping around, they’d just find another Antarctic station. 

Bucky’s eyes followed a lift shaft - one of several - down to the second floor, which appeared to be a guards’ barracks. Once again, some bedrooms, some kitchens, some toilets, storage rooms, dining hall, rec room, infirmary. An armoury, of course. A firing range. They keep the guards separate from the scientists when they’re off duty. Why? Are they just keeping an eye on discipline, or is there more?

A single staircase marked the way down to the third floor. This floor dwarfed the other two - but here, the map grew obtuse. Though the squares of the rooms were still present, none of them were labelled. Rooms of all shapes and sizes, some barely a broom cupboard, some the size of a factory. But when Bucky’s eyes touched on a huge chamber, with lines showing catwalks and balconies, and a doorway connected to nothing, he recognised it, labels or no. “Clint,” he said quietly, and pointed to it, not trusting himself to speak.

Barton peered over. “That’s it, isn’t it?” His tone was uncharacteristically gentle. “That’s where we… where it was.”

Bucky nodded. His eyes were fixed on the paper. How had a few lines stirred up so many emotions in him? He had come back here to torch this place and scatter its ashes across the South Pole. He wanted to see that room again, so he could put an end to HYDRA’s evil once and for all, and quieten the voices inside his head. 

So then why were goosebumps marching up his arm like soldiers, soldiers falling as their lives were snuffed like candles? Why were his fingers gripping the table like a vice, skin whitening from pressure, while circuits whirred in his steel hand as it tightened to a fist? Scrape, scrape, scrape, came the sounds. It was the sound of barbed wire drawing over chest armour as he crawled under a fence in the pitch black night. The sound of bullets tearing through the barrel of a rifle as he pulled the trigger. Another target was taking their last breath, and the scraping sound was the wind through their punctured lungs. It was the sound of Soviet scientists in scrubs sawing off another layer of James Barnes. 

A hand on his shoulder. Bucky felt his breath catch, and his muscles tense.

“Buck.” It was Steve. “You’re all right.”
Yeah. Bucky let out his breath, and drew another. He willed himself to calm. After a few moments, he did. He dragged his eyes away from the chamber, and back to the upper levels, looking for entrance points. The main entrance was clear enough - a direct path from the airfield - but he also picked out another point where a tunnel broke through to the surface. He pointed to the airfield. “That’s where you came to get me, right, Clint?”

The archer grinned, clearly pleased to relive the memory of a successful mission. “Yup. Hopped, skipped and jumped past my security, took a few shortcuts, and there I was, looking at your gorgeous cheekbones.”

Bucky rolled his eyes while Steve continued. “Any insight for our entrance?”

Clint thought for a moment, made a face, and shook his head. “Solo missions fly pretty different to a team of five.”

"What's it like in there, Sai?" Steve questioned. "How many people? Guards, researchers?"

Sai had been so still that Bucky had almost forgotten she was there. Now she looked up at her teammate. "The guards prowl like wild beasts." Her gaze was pointed at Steve, but her mind was elsewhere. "I watched them for some time. Questions are answered sharply, often with raised voices. Tensions are high, and smiles are few." Her face turned back to the map. Bucky would have given a great deal to see inside her head.

He and Clint exchanged a look. "Tight security, civilians kept under wraps…they knew we'd come back," Bucky muttered. Clint grinned, and spread his hands in a What can you do? gesture.

"With tensions that high, it shouldn't take much to light the fuse." Steve smiled. It was a good, honest smile, but now there was a hint of mischief behind it. "Maybe the sight of a ghost from their past will be enough to strike the match."

“You’ll distract them while we sneak in?” Could work, but…

“Absolutely.” Steve beamed at Bucky with such confidence that he practically felt his concern melting away. “Taking down a HYDRA base? It’ll be just like old times.”

Clint spoke easily the thoughts Bucky was too afraid to voice. “Yeah, well, in those old times, you had a team, remember, gramps?”

“We’re not fighting an army this time, Clint. Just a few stressed-out guards that’ve been jumping at shadows and sleeping in shifts in the middle of frozen nowhere for weeks. We’ll hit them like a bus.”

“Who’s with who, then?” Bucky wasn’t happy that their already-small group was splitting up further, but Steve’s plan had merit, and he couldn’t think of anything better. 

“I’ll want Castle.” Steve’s face twisted a little as he explained, “A few guns will go a long way towards drawing attention. Besides, I don’t think he’s suited for covert infiltration.”

“All right.” And good riddance. “Sai, you’re with me. I’ll need all the demon-killing help I can get.”

She nodded. Whatever she had been doing before - meditating, Bucky guessed - she was finished, and was looking up at them, her face as calm as still water.

“Clint… you go wherever you think you can help the most. Both teams could use you.”

Steve turned to him. “I’d be grateful to stand beside you on the battlefield, Barton. Your skills have saved me more than once.”

A smile lit Clint’s face - but unlike his typical smirk, this one spoke of just how much Steve’s compliment had touched him. “I’d love to, Cap. Really. But the job’s not done down there, and I’ll be damned if I’m leaving Big Buck Hunter over there to do it alone.”

“And I know you’ll do it well, Barton.” Steve returned the smile, without a hint of offence.

“I won’t be alone,” Bucky began, “Sai will-”

A gloved finger jutted at him, cutting him off. “You’re not in this conversation, Buckeroonie.”

Bucky felt the grin growing at Clint’s transparency, and let it show. Even Sai looked away.

They let the moment settle in silence. Somewhere in the back of their minds, all four were aware these would be the last few happy moments they would get before risking their lives once more. No more scraping, he realised. Guess Castle’s done with his knife. 

"So we just head down through the tunnel, into the weird monument chamber, kill whatever's in there - or whatever it is you’re planning on doing - and head out.” Clint was the one to break the silence, with his usual aplomb. "Easy peasy."

Bucky's smile took a sardonic twist. "I seem to recall that monument chamber collapsing on us, Clint," he remarked. "Or were you planning on waltzing through that, too?"

"Yeah, but, can't you just..." Clint gestured vaguely to Bucky's vibranium arm, and swung his fist through the air. "Pow."

Silence.

Bucky watched Clint lock eyes with everyone in the room with increasing desperation, before finally folding. "Okay, not that. So then how are we getting in there?"

“This will not be an issue,” Psylocke cut in. “While I was scouting, I found the room you’re talking about. They have already mostly cleared the rubble. You should have no trouble finding a way in.”

In the corner of his eye, Bucky saw Clint’s face fall into his hands. Already a faint pinkish tinge was spreading beneath them.

“Sounds like we have a plan.” Steve straightened. “Castle!” he called. “It’s go time.”

The silence held for a moment. Bucky locked eyes with Clint over the table, and the latter raised his eyebrow in a don’t ask me gesture. As Bucky was opening his mouth to echo Steve, the stomp of heavy boots on soft carpet began to thump its way through the jet. Then Frank Castle was in the doorway. He had painted around his eyes with black face-paint. A knife sheath - black leather, of course - was strapped to his thigh. Under his arm was a gym bag, and from the way the contents clinked and clanged as he walked, it didn’t take a genius to guess what was inside. Castle reached the doorway and stood there, arms folded, as though reluctant to enter the room with the others. Bucky often went back and forth over whether he was curious what was going on in Castle’s head, but right now, he most certainly was.

“You and I will go in through the airfield, loud and proud,” Steve began. “We’re the distraction. Sai, Clint and Bucky will go through the secondary exit, and make their way down to the monument at the bottom. We should be in and out in less than an hour.”

Castle nodded. Steve held his gaze for a few seconds, until - as the silence grew too heavy to bear - “Any questions?”

The smallest of smirks curled the corner of Frank’s mouth. This was a smile Bucky did not like. It didn’t reach his eyes, and had a little too much ‘what big teeth you have, grandma’ to it. “I’m a blunt instrument, Captain,” he replied. “Point me at something, I’ll kill it.”

“You’re not worried about getting a whole HYDRA base on our tail?” Steve’s bright blue eyes were piercing. 

“I’ve taken down gang hideouts. Drug cartels. All on my own,” Castle replied. The gleam of his teeth was grating.  “Fighting alongside the legend himself… this’ll be a walk in the park.”

My god, he means it, Bucky realised. And he’s going to enjoy it.

Steve’s nostrils flared. His jaw set a little. For a moment, it looked as though he was going to say something - perhaps to chew Frank out. But eventually, he just gave him a nod back, and looked around. “Clint? Any holes in the plan?”

Barton smiled. “No problems here, Cap. I’m all set. Ready to go theminute you are - ” He jiggled his legs. “ - before I freeze to death.”

Steve returned the smile, the prankster’s energetic grin meeting one of calm and warmth. His eyes landed on Sai. “You’ve been quiet, Sai. Any worries? We should get them out now.”

Sai held the silence for a moment. “One.” She turned to look at Bucky. Her normally even face was tinted with something. She was troubled, and... 

Is that… pity? 

“James. I am concerned that, when the time comes, you will not be able to do what is necessary.”

Irritation blossomed in Bucky’s mind like a rose. “This isn’t my first kill mission, Sai. Or my first time taking down HYDRA. I know what I’m doing.” Bucky felt his voice rising, but she had touched on his pride.

Sai’s voice was unchanged. “I don’t doubt you are skilled, James,” she replied. If anything, she had gotten quieter. “But that is not what I meant. And I believe you know that.”

Bucky felt his anger fading. He did know. He hadn’t been thinking about it, but he knew. It wasn’t just a few half-frozen security guards waiting for him inside; it was something worse. Something otherworldly. Something that whispered in his dreams by night and played with his nerves like guitar strings by day. Could he kill it with a gun? Bucky didn’t know, and he doubted it. But I have to try.

“I’ll do it,” he replied, after a moment. “But you’ll have to show me how. Can’t say I’ve killed… something like that before.”

Sai’s face softened. Bucky was beginning to believe that was the closest she could get to smiling. “I will, James. You can be sure of that.” She turned back to Steve and nodded her confirmation. He nodded back.

Finally, Steve turned to Bucky. “Anything you want to get off your chest, Buck?” he inquired. It wasn’t really a question. 

Did Bucky have questions? Yes. It felt like every second since Clint had busted him out of that stasis tank, he had got ten more. But Bucky had come to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t get answers to a lot of them - and the answers he did get, he wouldn’t like. Better to just take his hands off the wheel and let the rollercoaster take him where it would. As long as he got to tear down a few HYDRA facilities along the way, Bucky Barnes was perfectly happy to find a new life in this crazy little adventure. 

And did he have any right to complain? It was 1945 all over again. He’d only gone and fucked it royally, hadn’t he? Got captured by HYDRA, again. Experimented on, again. Implanted with something dangerous, again, that was messing with his mind, again. And now here was Steve Rogers, saving him, again. People were dying in New York right now, and here they were, Antarctica, half a world away, because James Buchanan Barnes had another albatross around his neck that he just couldn’t shake.

So instead of complicating matters, he just kept his mouth shut and shook his head, while his eyes dropped to the floor.

Steve just smiled at him. It was a sad smile, one tinged by exasperation and sympathy. I wish I could help you, that smile said, but you won’t let me. Even after all we’ve been through, there’s one enemy I just can’t beat, and it’s your own mind. You tell yourself that you have to face your demons alone, that you’re poison, that you’re the one person that’s truly irredeemable. That no matter how much evil you snuff out of the world, you can never snuff out your own.

But I’ll be there when you face those demons, it promised. I’ll be there when you make your penance. I’ll be there when you bear this weight you carry. And although you won’t let me bear it with you, you won’t be bearing it alone.

Because I’m with you.

Until the end of the line.

For a brief moment, Bucky looked up from the floor, to the friend he had failed, and he saw all those things in that smile.

And he was grateful.

“All right, everyone,” Steve intoned. “Suit up. Time to get to work.”