A Funny Thing About Earth-616.
The Giant Infinite Bed.
Floating through the endless space, between the Earths, you might find a mattress. This is no ordinary mattress, it goes on for miles and miles, bigger than the entire Earth some say. The sheets are colors that are completely unknown to man, the occupants were various men and women.
Some were old, most were young, a lot were men but there was a few women as well. Even fewer were not human but each and every JB was Hispanic looking. They were all sleeping, using their own pillows and blankets that they themselves brought. The Great Sleep, the only time you will find this many JBs gathered together and preformed the ultimate nap time.
In the very center of the bed we find JB prime, snoring. His eyes began to stir and he woke up with a yawn.
”Hey, you’re up.” A voice from behind told him. He turned around and saw he had an audience, both seen and unseen.
”That was a great nap. Did you sleep good to?” JB asked.
”We did, you know how we get if we don’t. Are you going to tell us about Earth-616 now. We’ve slept and the readers are here just like you wanted.”
“Well, I really need to talk about this.” JB got out his tablet. “Good to see you again readers. You remember when I first revealed myself I talked about Earth-616. It occurred to me that I forgot to mention something…interesting shall we say about that world.”
He played a video on his tablet and showed us the screen. “Give this a watch please.”
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Earth-616 and copyright with Professor JB!
Hello and welcome to this instructional film.
The screen was white with an old graney film effect then a robot bounty hu freelance peacekeeping agent walked into view.
This is Death’s Head, formally of Earth-030165. He is a character created by Simon Furman and owned by Marvel, remember that.
”Hello.”
Death’s Head resides in The Grimm now. He gets contracts from all sorts of clients including me. Right now his latest job is taking him to Earth-616.
”I’m only letting you film because you’ll pay me extra, yes?”
We’ll discuss it a later for now do your job. A portal opened up beneath Death’s Head and he fell through. “Eh?”
We see on the other side Death’s Head emerging from the portal, entering a not too distant futuristic setting. His target was a rich man who could afford the protection. Death’s Head fought off the bodyguards. Look at him work, straight to the point and efficient.
Now take notice that you can clearly see in the daylight that it’s Death’s Head. His skull like head, his ability to switch out his arm, even his iconic speech patterns.
”This is one of the more easier assignments, yes?”
Hey, I’ll pay you some more if you say your name.
”The name’s Death’s Head. You’ll remember that, right?”
Yes we will. Hehe. Hey is that Spratt right behind you?
”Eh?! No! I thought I was-” Death’s Head turned around but that annoying little pest was nowhere to be seen.
HAHAHAHAHAH, I’m sorry I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself!
“Hm, make no mistake, you’re an excellent client. You pay good, but don’t ever joke about that and we’ll be happy, right?” Death’s Head raised a flame thrower to the screen.
…I’ll just leave you to your work now. See you later.
”Be sure to see me in the next two chapters of Tales From The Grimm. I’m the true star of the show. You will read the story, yes?”
Ok, back in this white space. Now let’s bring in another one of my “employees”.
White a POP sound an anthropomorphic cat suddenly appeared.
”What the? Where am I? What is this place?”
This is Petey the cat of Earth-1898. Former supervillain and one of the multiverse’s smartest minds.
”Boss? JB is that you?”
Petey was created by Dav Pilkey and is NOT owned by Marvel.
”…Yeah, Schoolastic does. JB what’s going on?”
I have a new assignment for you Petey. A portal opened up in front of Petey. Enter the Portal to Earth-616 please.
Petey had no choice but to comply and did so. Now let’s follow him. *RIIIIIIIIIIIP* Oh no the film!
The sound tinkering and fiddling were heard. Suddenly the film came back on, it showed a random street in Manhattan. Good thing I still got the drone, now where is he? The drone flew around, it spotted the cat in the distance, waving at it.
There you are. Let’s zoom in. The camera attempted to zoom in on the cat but it started to have trouble focusing, all it showed was an orange blob.
Notice how we can’t get a clear view on this cat, nothing I can do to fix it, no wait, it’s actually clearing. The quality started to improve but before the cat could be seen clearly a truck blocked the view. All that could be seen was the cat’s legs and tail.
Oh darn, let me bring this closer. The drone zipped towards the orange cat. But it was too fast and crashed into Peeeeeeeeee-*KSHK* the cat, knocking him into a can of black paint. Oh sorry! The cat picked himself up he was covered head to toe in black paint. “Oh Pan, LOOK WHAT YOU DID! THAT WAS A MY FAVORITE SWEATER! Oh this is gonna take weeks to wash out of my fur.
I’ll personally clean you up as soon as we’re done here but actually this is helping me prove something. Noticed how we have trouble getting a clear view of my employee until he became covered in black paint thus becoming unrecognizable, as if everything around us is stopping us from seeing him clearly because someone doesn’t want to get sued.
Even his name is hard to say now.
“What?”
We all know who he is of course but notice how I never called him by his proper name. Even the narration of this tale could only refer to him as simply the cat. The one time it tried to defy it, it was stopped and quickly backpedaled.
”That’s ridiculous! My is P-“ The cat ran out of breath much to his shock. “Um, my name i-i-i-i-i-i AAAACHOOO!” He sneezed, no he will not let this universe defeat him. “MY NAME IS PE-Pe-Pe-Pe-Pe-PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP-P-P-P-P-Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. ENOUGH!”
The Cat had it! He was going to say his name no matter what! “The name that my mother gave me is Pete-*BOOM* The wall suddenly exploded behind the Cat. Out stepped a man in a red and yellow suit with two gauntlets on each hand.
Hello Herman. My that is a big bag of money you got there. “Oh forget this, I’m going home!” The cat opened a square doorway he reversed engineered from the TVA and went back to his world. The Shocker pulled back his fist and got ready to unleash one of his shockwaves.
Well I guess now’s a good time as any to say goodbye! *BOOM*
The Giant Infinite Bed.
”That drone was not cheap btw.” JB put his tablet down. “But that’s the funny thing about Earth-616, it’s so close to the comics crossover elements can’t exist. And if someone not owned by Disney enters it, they get subjected to the “We resemble but are legally distinct from the Lollipop Guild” treatment.”
JB clapped his hands. “So any questions?”
The people he was talking to were the other awake JBs. Dogwelder!JB, Inkling!JB, JBot, and Agent JB.
They all raised their hands. Dogwelder pointed to himself then the tablet. JB Prime understood. “If a DC character enters 616 they’ll turn into their Squadron Suprime counterparts but since you don’t have one you’ll just get violently sick until you leave. Much like JLA/Avengers 616 is incompatible with any DC Earth.”
”What about OCs?” Asked Inkling!JB. “Unless you’re officially a writer for Marvel, your OC is just like any other non Disney owned character. Sorry Angus O'Connell, you can’t play.”
”Beep beep beep beep beep? {So only Marvel characters can enter Earth-616 unchanged?}” Asked JBot, a member of the same robot species as Astro Bot. “Not exactly, you have to be owned by Disney to be unobstructed. So people like Kim Possible, Ariel, Darkwing Duck, Indiana Jones, Judy Hopps, and a lot more can enter with their appearances unaltered and their names said clearly. As long as you serve the Mouse.”
JB’s phone suddenly buzzed and he grinned at the news. “Marvel just announced a new mini series and would you look at that.” JB showed the article and the new miniseries was non other than ‘Maleficent vs The Marvel Universe!’ “Bout time, I’ve been waiting forever for something like this.”
Last question and it was from Agent JB of the Men In Black. “Is the same true of Earth Prime0?”
”Yep, but with characters owned by Warner Brothers. If only WB can get rid of Zaslav then it will be worthy to hang out with DC again.” JB said with a smile.
”Really? Isn’t it missing, how do you know?”
JB’s smile than faded and he became confused. “I-I don’t-don’t know. I just do-GAH!” He clutched the sides of his head, he had an intense headache.
Wow, I never thought I’d see the day.
Being here, seeing everyone feels right.
Man, It feels weird not being able to say my name.
I don’t want to go! You can’t make me!
No No NO! I DIDN’T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN!
I’M SORRY *sobbing* I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
I can fix this, I just need-
MY ARM!!! IT HURTS!!! WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEE! *CRAAAAAACK*
“PRIME!” Agent JB shock his Prime variant out of his trance. JB was back in reality his other selves were looking at him with concern, even Inkling!JB. “I’m uh, I’m fine.”
”You sure? You were clutching your arm and screaming, you woke up some of the others.” JB looked around and indeed saw a few other variants looking at him, worried.
”I’m fine guys! Let’s just go back to sleep! Please.” The others still looked unconvinced but did what they were told. JB covered himself with his blanket. Just before he fell back he rubbed his arm, it still felt like it was being ripped into two. His bones and flesh were literally being ripped apart as if another arm was growing out of his right arm. He took out his phone and quickly typed a name and as he closed his eyes only one question went through his mind. ‘Who was The Oner?’