Chapter 16
Things I know:
• My name is James Buchanan Barnes
• But people call me Bucky or Buck
• I was born March 10 in Shelbyville Indiana
• Steve and I have known each other each other forever.
• I was in the army
• Steve
Things to remember:
• school
• my family?
• Steve got big?
• college friends?
• old hobbies
• how to use the internet?
Daily routine:
• go outside
• watch tv
• remember something
• write in notebook
• talk to at least 1 person
• eat
• sleep
Affirmations:
• I will remember
• I feel confident in reaching my goals
• People care for me
• People like me for who I am, even when I change
• It's ok to ask for help
Bucky started to keep a notebook as his therapist suggested. He had many notes and things as reminders. Even along with writings he had pictures that Steve gave him stuck in between the pages.
It was starting to get easier, remembering, but some nights he would have nightmares or even flashbacks. He would either awake screaming or quietly making his way into Steve's room to ask if he could crawl in bed with him. Steve always said yes.
At the moment Bucky sat on a couch across from a lady known as Dr. Raynor, his therapist.
It was quiet as they sat. Bucky glanced down at his hands. One flesh, the other metal.
"Have you had any nightmares lately James?" She asked her face casual.
Bucky clenched his jaw, "No,"
She sighed taking her pen and pad out, "I know when you're lying to me. It's unhealthy to keep all this in. Tell me about it,"
Bucky shifted and licked his lips, "It was when I fell off the train. It was so cold. But this time I remembered what happened I knew I was bleeding out on the snow, that I was dying. That I was going to leave Steve alone,"
"Have you talked to Steve about this?" She asked jotting something down.
He shook his head 'no'.
Shaking her head Dr Raynor looked up, "James. You need to learn how to talk, talking is a major player in order to recover. My prescription for this week is for you to talk to Steve,"
The session ended and as Bucky walked out of the building, Steve was waiting near his parked motorcycle.
Steve had convinced Bucky into a movie night with all their old college friends to try and reintroduce them.
They rode through the streets of New York and soon arrived to Tony's.
"One of our friends live here?" Bucky said looking up at the skyscraper, "I can't imagine how expensive one apartment suite would cost,"
Steve laughed and clapped his hand in Buckys shoulder, "He owns the building,"
That left Bucky gaping as they entered and took the elevator to the top floor penthouse.
As the elevator opened Buckys eyes traveled around the lavish room. High tech and design made the place look surreal to him.
"Steve, Bucky!" A woman with strawberry blonde hair greeted them.
"This is Pepper, Tony's wife" Steve says giving her a hug.
"Hi," Bucky said sticking his hand out and shaking hers awkwardly.
Then a few other people filtered in and greeted the two. Bucky recognized only a few but still could put their names to their faces.
But he could definitely tell who Tony was. He wore expensive sunglasses (even though they were inside, which Bucky thought ridiculous), sharply cut facial hair, and a strong cologne.
“Hey! Roger’s! Barnes! It’s so nice to hear your back from the dead!” Tony smirked and his line of vision quickly went to Buckys exposed metal prosthesis.
“Would ya look at that! So you’re the lucky fella that got that arm! It’s pretty impressive I do say so myself!” Tony watched the arm move as realistically as Buckys flesh one.
Pepper rolled her eyes, “Don’t worry about him, he’s to proud of himself for his intelligence and innovations,”
Steve reintroduced him to their friends like Clint, Wanda, Vision, Thor, Bruce, and then once again to Sam and Nat who he’d met when moving in with Steve.
The movie went well along with the pizza they ordered for dinner. But the entire movie Bucky couldn’t focus as his therapists words echoed in his mind.
He began to think what, when, and how he should talk to Steve. He started over thinking it and started to even plan what he was going to say. But even that stumped him.
How do I even start a conversation about this?
~
It was getting late once Steve and Bucky returned to their apartment. Steve started tidy up the place and Bucky went to his room.
Walking into his room he opened the closet door to hang up his jacket that he used that night. But when the door opened a box fell from a shelf littering the floor with papers.
"Damn it," Bucky groaned and knelt down.
After grabbing all the loose papers the last thing was a brown file folder.
Bucky opened the file skimming through the pages. Many were records of each check up that he had at the care home, and the logs from his therapy sessions. But towards the back he stopped to read. It was his medical chart from when he had fallen from the train.
It was a list of vitals and then an injury report.
Patient Name: John Doe
- Arm, left missing below elbow, extensive bone and muscle damage, amputation at hunger Al head recommended
- fractured clavicle
- fractured femur, right
- fractured tibia, right
- fractured fibula, right
- fractured foot, right
- fractured knee, left
- incomplete spinal burst fracture T6-T8
- punctured lung
- hypothermia
- partial frostbite, tissue damage
He could feel the cold again. The pain of everything broken.
His eyes kept reading and re-reading the medical report. Why had he never realized how horribly he was injured. No one should have survived with that extensive trauma.
Soft footsteps came up behind Bucky but he didn't realize until Steve's hand was in his shoulder.
"Hey. Are you alright?"
Bucky flinched at the touch, the memory of pain flooded him.
"I shouldn't be alive," Bucky whispered so quiet Steve barely heard him.
"What?" Steve bent down next to Bucky looking at the open file.
"I shouldn't even be alive, no one should survive this. If I was this close to death maybe they should've let me die," Buckys eyes were glazed over with pain.
"But you did survive. You lived..." Steve's eyes met Buckys, "You didn't die,"
Bucky blinked and shook his head, "But… to be someone who didn’t even remember my own name, what my parents looked like, who you were. Then you go outta your way to help me…fix me. I don’t know if I’m worth all this Steve,”
Steve listened his eyes watching Bucky carefully.
“And I’m not him! The man you used to know. I know you think I am, but…I’m not! You’re fucking delusional and it’s sad. It’s really sad okay? Now that I can remember some things all I can think about is if I died…you’d be alone,
“I was really scared, and I still am. Waking up afraid you’ll be gone and that the memory of you will disappear again,” His voice softened. Small tears fell from his cheeks.
Steve came closer and looked him in the eye, “I know you’re not the same person, and that’s okay. I will always be here for you Buck, no matter what. I’m with you till the end of the line pal,”
It grew silent as they stared at each other’s eyes. Bucky realized a strange feeling in his chest as he looked into Steve’s blue eyes and long eyelashes. His heart fluttered.
Leaning forward Bucky brushed his lips gently against Steve’s.
His heart raced as he felt Steve’s soft lips on his. And to his surprise Steve kissed him back in the same gentle touch.
Pulling away Bucky saw Steve’s tilted grin he loved.
“Can I… can I stay in your room tonight?” Bucky asked not taking his eyes of Steve.
“Of course,”
Later that night Bucky and Steve laid together in the large bed. Bucky laid on his back while Steve on his side. But Buckys heart was still racing and his cheeks flushed as he thought of the kiss. And before he could think he rolled to his side to spoon Steve even though Steve was significantly larger than Bucky.
Snaking an arm over Steve’s body he placed his flesh hand on Steve’s chest. He felt Steve huddle closer into Buckys body and then reached his own hand up to where Buckys rested on his chest.
Bucky moved his head into the crevice between Steve’s shoulder and neck breathing softly onto his skin.
“I was just skin and bones when we used to lay like this,”
Moving his hand Bucky grabbed Steve’s wrist and rubbed his thumb over it. The blondes breathe hitched.
“You still have the same bones,”
As they laid in silence as sleep slowly took their minds Bucky realized he had talked to Steve. He didn’t need to plan out what to say or how to say it. Even though it came out when he was upset, it felt nice to talk.