Chapter 8
Last night had been agonizing. It felt the same as falling in slow motion with nothing there to catch you.
Walking back to New York had been uneventful in the way of nothing catastrophic happening, but the tension was enough to make up for it. Bellona tried to stay a step or two behind Akihiro and X-23, having little interest in integrating herself with the conversation they held. They allowed it, which led her to believe that maybe the bit of distance was wanted. She watched the ground as she walked, watched the way her shoes pressed indents into the soft island grass. The change wouldn’t be permanent, she knew, but it would linger.
When they stepped through the gate that took them back to New York, the entire world seemed to shift around them. The fresh air smelt dirty and polluted and the city lights were obnoxiously bright. Even the sight of so much concrete and tall buildings seemed harsh compared to the natural oasis that Krakoa provided. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t get attached so quickly, not to the people and not to the island, but things are shifting. She feels her chest tighten at the idea.
They walk down the sidewalk and through the night crowd. Bellona can’t sense things in an animalistic way, but she can feel the buzz of energy rolling through the streets. It’s the high of cheap thrills and empty pastimes that keep the normal people going. To think she should be rolled into those masses makes her stomach turn.
“Hanging on back there?” Akihiro asked. He glanced over his shoulder with a raised brow. “Don’t get too far behind.”
“I’m fine,” Bellona said. “I can keep up.”
And she did. She followed them down the sidewalk until they got to the bus stop. She waited quietly and patiently until the bus rolled to a stop in front of them. Once they boarded, she opted for a window seat behind them. She noticed Akihiro watching her, but pretended not to notice. During the ride back, they maintained a low conversation between themselves. Bellona could hardly hear them over the hum of the engine. She chose to shut her eyes and think of nothing until they came to the stop in front of the apartment.
She trailed behind as they made their way through the parking lot and to the steps that led up to the room. The whole time, Akihiro and X-23 were talking. Bellona couldn’t make out the words they said, but they seemed to range from lighthearted small talk to heavier things. She tried to pretend that she wasn’t likely one of the topics they touched on.
“Here we are,” Akihiro said as he turned the key in the doorknob. “Home sweet home.”
“One of many,” X-23 smirked.
Bellona looked down at the ground as she stepped inside. Tiredness laid across her shoulders like a vine across a rotting tree limb. She stepped out of her shoes and slid off her jacket. It had been too warm for it, so to be free of it felt freeing.
“This is nice,” X-23 said as she walked slowly through the living room, looking around as she did. Her arms were folded across her chest tightly. She looked as uncomfortable as Bellona felt.
Akihiro noticed it too. Bellona could tell because when he said, “Yeah, it’s okay,” she noticed the way his eyes trailed over her. If X-23 was a disassembled puzzle, Akihiro’s eyes were nimble fingers that began putting her pieces together. “Can I get either one of you anything?” He asked, although his curious gaze never left her. Two blue pools of curiosity continued working effortlessly to read her picture.
Bellona sighed, “I’m pretty exhausted. I think I’m gonna go ahead and crash. Who’s in the bed tonight?” She wanted to leave this space. She wanted to be alone.
“Oh,” Akihiro said. He seemed to think for a moment. “You can have the room. Laura, maybe you can crash with her? I’ll take the couch. I’m not all that tired, so I’ll be right there if either of you need anything.”
Bellona felt her eyes go wide. It was a miracle she spent the full day with X-23, and this was the first normal day she had ever had with her. The thought of spending a full night mere inches from her was intimidating.
But then X-23 met her gaze. She seemed to study Bellona just as hard as Akihiro had studied her.
“I am okay with that,” she said softly. Her voice sounded eerily like Zelda’s. It was soft and gentle. Even the way her lips moved, the way her features expressed, it was all like deja vu. These were conversations she’d had before, but with other versions of her. Bellona herself is only another version.
“Yeah,” she said. She purposely tried to force something else in her tone, something to make her sound different. “I guess it’ll do.”
X-23 nodded. Behind her, Akihiro watched with a face that gave away nothing. His eyes glided back and forth between the two.
“Good,” X-23 said. “I will be there shortly. I… am not tired right now. Akihiro,” she looked over her shoulder, “are you?”
“No,” he said, and then he looked at Bellona. “Go ahead and get some rest. We’ll be going back to Krakoa tomorrow, so you’ll need it.”
“Okay,” she said with another sigh.
She didn’t want to think about tomorrow. She didn’t want to think about the changes. She didn’t want to think about anything. She left them in the room, left the silence with them, and shut the bedroom door behind her. She changed slowly and methodically before climbing under the blankets.
She laid in silence for the next two hours. During that time, a storm began to brew. It started as low rolls of thunder and quick flashes of lighting. When the rain began to tap on the window, it started saying words. It said words like “shh”, or “hush”. It said words like, “please”, or “stop”. Bellona listened to it while it fell, while it tapped its morse code on the outside of the apartment. She listened while she was laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. The only other sound was the hum of the ceiling fan spinning circles round and round, and it was an echo. It echoed the commands of the storm.
“I thought about you a lot when they took you.”
Bellona rolled over. The blanket she was under was large and soft, its warmth held her in like a hug. The pillows were fluffed and the mattress was soft.
“What do you mean?”
X-23 was sitting on the side of the bed that faced the window. She’d come in only thirty minutes after Bellona. She had shut her eyes, so she didn’t see her, but she heard her getting ready. She could feel the shift in the bed when she got in beside her.
Beyond her, condensation collected on the glass, a reaction to the contrast of the coolness inside and the warmer temperature outside. Even though it was dark, she could see the glistening of rain over the pavement where the moonlight shined down.
“When they took you away,” X-23 said. Her voice was soft. “I wanted to find you.”
Bellona sat up.
On the edge of the bed, X-23 whispered again, “I wanted to find you.”
Bellona crawled the short distance from where she was laying to where X-23 sat, and she joined her. X-23’s feet hung over the side of the bed and her arms were crossed over her stomach. She was looking out the window with glassy green eyes. She didn’t blink, but her eyelids seemed to flutter occasionally.
“What do you mean?” Bellona asked again. She followed X-23’s gaze through the fogged up glass. “Why would you want to find me? I wasn’t far. I was never far.”
Beside her, X-23 trembled despite the warmth of midsummer humidity that projected throughout the room. Bellona could hear the sound of her teeth chattering together. She imagined that she could hear the thudding of her heart.
“C’mon,” she said, and she sat up. She grabbed one of X-23’s arms and tugged it lightly. “Let’s get some sleep.”
X-23 moved mechanically as she uncrossed her arms and lied back. She pulled back the blanket, slid underneath, and laid against the pillows. Her eyelids fluttered as she stared up at the ceiling.
“I just wanted you to know,” she whispered.
Bellona laid beside her and brought the blanket over body. She rested her head back against the pillows. “Okay,” she said. “I understand.”
Outside, the wind howled. Outside, the rain poured. Bellona shifted so she was laying on her side facing X-23. She buried her face against the pillows, breathed in the smell of them.
“I didn’t want you to think,” X-23 whispered, “that I didn’t notice you were gone. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t care.”
“I know that,” Bellona said. “I'm here now though. I’m gonna be fine. I’m fine.” But her breath caught in her throat.
The ceiling fan spun and she tried to stay calm enough for X-23 to sleep so that X-23 could be calm enough for her to sleep. She shut her eyes and breathed in.
“You can rest, Bellona,” X-23 said. The soft tone of her voice sent a shiver down her spine. “I will protect you from the dark. I will protect you this time.”
Bellona made a fist in the loose fabric of the sheet beneath her. She tried not to tremble. “We can fall asleep together,” she said. “There’s nothing here in the dark. We don’t have to protect each other. We’re safe.”
Outside, the storm talked in sheets of rain and claps of thunder. It cackled with lightning cracking over the sky. Bellona’s mouth felt dry. She couldn’t tell if it was her or X-23 that was shaking now.
“Do you think that men created storms? Men like at Alchemax? Men like at Weapon X?”
She flinched when a roll of thunder seemed to rattle the bedroom window.
“Yes,” Bellona said. “I feel like they did.”
Against her better judgment, she scooted closer to X-23, shifted against the sheets to minimize any sort of distance between them. Her body was like a corpse in rigor mortis, but then she seemed to relax a little. It made Bellona feel less afraid.
“I think so too,” she said.
Her voice was soft and monotonous, but in a different way than it usually was. Her wide green eyes look heavy with the faintest trace of pigmented circles beneath them. The whites of her eyes were bloodshot from fatigue. She looked dazed and lost. Bellona felt nervous.
Since laying down, Bellona had hardly even been able to relax, much less sleep. X-23 seemed to have drifted off for a little while before she woke back up. Since then, it has been like this.
Akihiro was out in the living room resting on the sofa as promised. He told them both just to get him if he was needed. Initially, Bellona thought he was only saying that to be polite. Now she wondered if there was a deeper reason. The energy had shifted entirely from the time they were on the lagoon until now.
“Sometimes I can still hear them,” X-23 said. She stared at the ceiling, unblinking. “Sometimes I can still feel them. Kimura, especially.”
Bellona sat up again, this time kicking back the blankets and swinging her legs over the side of the bed. X-23 didn’t seem to notice. It only took a few short strides for her to reach the door. She eased it open, but she didn’t make it far. Akihiro was already walking down the hallway.
“Is it you or is it her?” he asked.
Bellona frowned. “Is what me or her?”
He stopped. “Doing that,” he said.
Bellona shook her head, confused, “Doing what?”
He put a hand on her shoulder, stabilizing her as he stepped around her. Bellona turned around.
“Wait,” she said, but he was already pushing the door open.
Bellona stood in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest. She could feel herself shaking, but she wasn’t cold. Everything was different, but then it was the same.
X-23 was sitting up on the side of the bed. She was holding the edge of the mattress and staring out the window again. She seemed to be searching for each and every drop that hit the glass.
“Everything good?” Akihiro asked. Bellona stayed back, but she watched as he walked over to her. Rather than sit beside her, he kneeled on the floor in front of her. “What’s going on?”
X-23’s arms were folded across her lap and she was slouched down. Her face was hidden by a curtain of long hair, but Bellona could guess what she probably looked like.
“We should find Gabby,” X-23 told him. She sounded more like herself than she did only minutes before, but her voice was still strained. “She doesn’t need to be left alone.”
Akihiro observed her for a moment and Bellona found him impossible to read. The only indication of worry was the way he rolled his bottom lip beneath his teeth several times. He reached one hand forward towards her, a gesture of comfort and reassurance, or maybe it was supposed to have a grounding effect. Bellona watched as his fingers brushed the hem of the oversized shirt she wore that was pulled down over her thighs.
The contact was brief, but X-23’s reaction was instant. She could see the flex of muscles in her legs as she squeezed them tightly together. Akihiro brought his hand back. For a moment, it hovered in the space between them before he rested it cautiously on the space beside her.
“Gabby’s fine,” he said finally. “She’s with friends. You’re fine too. You’re with me.”
He spoke with the confidence that Bellona was used to hearing, but his disposition was off.
“I know,” X-23 said. “But I don’t want her to get hurt.”
She sounded as though she were on the brink of tears, or something close to it. Bellona took a step inside the room. Neither one seemed to notice.
“Akihiro?” Bellona called cautiously. She tightened her arms around her body.
“Hm?” He broke his gaze from X-23, who still sat rigidly on the edge of the bed.
“Is… she okay?” she asked, nodding her head towards her.
It felt strange to stand in front of the very woman, this weapon in the flesh, that she had been conditioned to be and to see anything less than mindless killing. X-23 sat perched on the edge of the bed like a child. One side of her hair was tucked messily behind her ear and her bottom lip poked out into a subtle pout. The green in her eyes was dull and faded. The light wasn’t out, but it had been dimmed.
“I’m fine,” she said. “I just… I’m fine.”
The silence felt heavy like the storm outside. It rolled around like dark clouds billowing.
“We all need to get some rest,” Akihiro said. “We all have a long day tomorrow.” He looked at Bellona, “You especially. We’re all okay. We’re all safe.”
The rest of the night was long. No one slept, not even after the storm had passed.
~~~
Bellona left Gabby as a little girl. She remembers her being small and young. She remembers her never being quite big enough for any of her uniforms, and she always looked a bit comical holding a gun or any knives. They always looked far too big and her hands could never get a good grasp on any of them. Bellona and Zelda tried their best to keep her from ever needing them, but the times did come around once in a while.
She remembers the scars on her face being pink and swollen. They looked like they’d been fresh only a couple days before, like the bleeding had only recently stopped. Gabby had the least amount of scaring compared to the rest of the clones, but Bellona hated hers the worst. They didn’t match the innocence they’d tried so desperately to maintain for her.
The person in front of her now is trapped in between the clutches of young childhood and the slow transformation to young womanhood. She’s still slight, Bellona is certain that will be a trait they all share regardless of age, but she’s taller now and a little more shaped. The roundness of her once doll-like face has slimmed out some and her nose isn’t nearly as button-like. The scars are now embedded into her skin. They give her a nearly rugged look the way the skin around them looks almost dead. They’re no longer fresh cuts that look like they could heal with time. They’re permanent, unchanging. They’re a part of her forever.
Gabby stands in front of Bellona and she’s wearing blue jeans with holes in the legs. It certainly looks like something X-23 would wear and it’s strange to think that Gabby is influenced by someone else entirely. Her hands rest in the large pocket of an oversized hoodie. The once fine strands of dark hair that used to hang midway down her back are now thicker and fuller, sitting cropped just below her shoulders. A yellow clip holds the heavier side out of her eyes, although a few loose pieces slip free. Gabby smiles in the same small and unsure way that X-23 does.
“Hey Bellona,” she says gently.
Her voice isn’t as light or thin as it used to be, and of course it shouldn’t be, but it still takes Bellona by surprise.
“Hey Gabby.”
For a brief moment, she doesn’t know what to do. She’s waited for this moment for years.
Gabby, to Bellona’s surprise, is the first to move. She steps forward and opens her arms, wrapping them around Bellona’s waist and leaning her head against her chest. It’s a snug embrace that feels secure and warm. Bellona tries not to look too startled, although it takes her a moment to register what’s happened before she wraps her arms around Gabby’s shoulders.
In her arms, against her chest, Gabby feels different than the last time she left her. Bellona is reminded again of the time that’s passed. The things she’s missed. The growth she’s made. She shuts her eyes and buries her face in the top of Gabby’s hair. She smells like shampoo and fresh air. She feels soft and warm. She feels bigger and stronger than she’s ever felt, especially when she tightens her grasp.
“It’s okay,” Gabby whispers, and it’s all Bellona needs to hear to let the tears fall.
She doesn’t expect them and so they take her by surprise, almost more than Gabby reaching out to her. She brings her hands to her face and takes a step back. Back from the situation. Back from the emotions. She wipes her eyes with sleeve covered hands, managing a nervous laugh as she does.
“I’m sorry,” she croaks. “I just… you look so different,” she stammers. “You’ve grown up so much.”
Grown up, and she worries she’s grown apart too, although that’s a fear she vows to never voice. Gabby smiles again, something likely meant to be reassuring, but the shy way she does it makes Bellona’s chest feel heavy. She watches the way she nervously touches the tips of her fingers together, pretending to pick at imaginary things. She watches as she bites her bottom lip and looks back over her shoulder at Akihrio who stands behind her protectively. It’s as if she looks at him for reassurance because he offers a wink at the same time he reaches out and gently squeezes her shoulder.
Bellona tries to steady her breathing as she watches the brief scene unfold in front of her, but the rogue thought swims freely around her head; Gabby needed comfort and reassurance to see her. She imagines all the possibilities of conversations that they had.
But then Gabby looks forward again and smiles a little more naturally. “I’m still me,” she says with a half-shrug.
Bellona forces a smile. The way Gabby takes half a step back towards Akihiro doesn’t go unnoticed by her, and neither does the way he places his other hand on her other shoulder. She watches the way his thumbs stroke back and forth, pushing and pulling the loose fabric of her pullover. She watches the way he watches her and all the missing things start falling back into their place.
She knew he had a soft gaze for Laura, but the tenderness he looks at Gabby with produces a physical warmth that radiates from the blue in his eyes. She knows without a doubt that her youngest sister has been in good hands. She’s been safe. Akihiro shifts his gaze to meet hers, but the softness doesn’t change. Bellona blinks away the tears that beg to fall. She clears her throat.
“I’m just glad to see you again,” she says in a voice just above a whisper.
And Gabby’s smile broadens, “Me too.”
For a brief moment, the air feels stuck in place and Bellona anticipates an awkward transition. The thought is painful and she can’t help but remember the time when she was the one who protected Gabby. In this fleeting moment, she realizes that the whole time she’s been gone she’s imagined that it would stay that way. She knew the time had passed, she felt it in her own way, but had hoped it only applied to her existence. She’d prayed that Gabby had been preserved on ice, intact and exactly the same. She realizes now that the expectation was impossible. Gabby’s been safe, but she’s been changed.
Akihiro’s phone ringing shatters the tension.
“Sorry,” he says as he takes a step back from Gabby. He turns towards the door. “You two carry on. I’ll be just a minute.”
He steps outside as he answers the call. Bellona isn’t sure if she feels grateful or disappointed. She shifts her weight from one foot to the other.
“So,” she starts to say. “How-?”
“We can sit down, you know,” Gabby says. “I specifically cleaned because I knew you were coming here today, so nothing is contaminated.
Bellona snorts. She walks around the sofa, but Gabby hops over the back of it.
“Well I’d hate to know you did all that cleaning for nothing,” she says. She never thought she would have to force a conversation with Gabby, but she finds it hard to make eye contact. She finds it hard to search for the right words.
Gabby only grins. “Laura did most of it,” she says. “She’s kind of bossy.” She kicks her shoes off haphazardly and sits sideways on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. “Akihiro acts bossy, and he is, but only if you’re annoying him. If you’re not, he doesn’t care what you do.”
“Yeah,” Bellona nods. “He’s pretty particular.”
“Yeah. So how do you like living with him?”
Bellona tilts her head to one side. She hadn’t really had time to process it, and she doesn’t have much to compare the experience to.
“It’s good,” she says. “I like it.”
Gabby crinkles her nose, “Really?”
“Yeah. I mean, compared to everything else it’s really not all that bad.”
“Then you’ll love living here,” Gabby says. She leans over, Bellona assumes to see if Akihiro is still standing outside. When she sees him, she leans closer to Bellona. “I’ll give you the fun tour,” she whispers. “Later on when Aki and Laura are both gone.”
Bellona grins. “Why are you whispering? He can’t hear you.”
Gabby narrows her eyes. “Yes he can,” she whispers, even softer than before. “When you think he can’t, that just means he’s eavesdropping harder. Laura too.”
“Oh,” she says, also whispering. “Okay. Well, what’s the fun tour?”
“So,” Gabby begins. She tucks her hair behind her ear. “The fun tour is gonna be with me and some of my friends. It’s sort of a tour of Krakoa, but sort of New York too because sometimes we leave the island.” She pauses, “But you can’t tell them that.”
Bellona raises her brows, “And ‘them’ is…?”
“Laura and Akihiro.”
“Ah. Of course.”
“Yeah. They’re fine if we do things together, but if you do something without them it’s a whole thing. Like, they don’t think anything is dangerous if they’re supervising. Akihiro is more fun if Laura isn’t there, but since she’s been back they’re almost always together at some point during the day so it’s harder to get him to be cool with things like that now.”
Bellona leans back against the sofa. “That seems annoying,” she says.
And Gabby rolls her eyes. “You have no idea.”
The conversation starts to feel like rolling waves. It comes a little more natural and it’s nowhere near as strained. Bellona feels her shoulders relax. She feels like it’s easier to breathe.
“So where was X-23 then? Was she gone for a while?”
“On some crazy mission. Actually, Logan was supposed to go but then she went instead. Akihiro was pretty pissed too. He was really worried about her and he got all mopey, which was kinda weird for him because he’s usually all about not caring and stuff.” She leans over again, checking the window. “She wasn’t really gone that long for us but it was, like, hundreds of years that passed in the vault. She had to die to come back.”
Bellona raises her brows, “Wow.”
“I know. Also, since you’re family, you can just call her Laura. Other people call her Wolverine, but me and Akihiro just call her Laura. You can call Aki Fang too, and I made up Scout, but Laura’s only Laura to us. It’s a thing.”
Bellona frowns. There’ve been several times that Akihiro has attempted to correct her, but she never saw the point. She hardly knows X-23, and she doesn’t think she wants to know her any deeper than what she already does. There’s a level of respect and admiration she has for her, but kinship has never been on her agenda and it isn’t something she currently desires. However, something in the way Gabby looks when she explains it makes Bellona start to question herself.
“She might not be comfortable with me addressing her as her given name,” she reasons. Deep inside, the guilt starts to fester.
Gabby, on the other hand, doesn’t seem so convinced. “Of course she will,” she says. “I mean, she’ll like it a lot more than X-23. You can also say Wolverine, and then just call the other Wolverine by his real name. Or, to be honest, they’re not around each other for long, so you can get away with calling them both that.”
Bellona sighs. She thinks about the time Kimura used the trigger scent on X-23 when she wanted her to kill the citizens in Daysville. She still remembers the way X-23’s face contorted as if she were in some kind of pain, not hesitating when the scent took over her. She raised her fist to the soft skin beneath her chin and extracted her claws and fell over instantly, limp and lifeless. And then Kimura sent Bellona.
A part of her had been disappointed at the outcome of that night. It wasn’t because she had to kill, she had long since made her peace with that, rather it was the sight of the mold she was created after having faltered. She had hoped for a front row view of X-23 in her peak form. Instead she witnessed self-deprecation when she had been conditioned as something much stronger. She worried that she saw herself in X-23 that night, laying on the ground in the midst of chaos she hadn’t started, but still she was thrown into. Helpless is how she looked that night. Entirely helpless.
“I’ll try to work on it,” she says, shaking her head at the memory.
“Good,” Gabby smiles.
It’s at that time the door opens and Akihiro steps back inside. The energy in the room shifts yet again. Bellona looks at him. She wonders where he had been that night, or if he ever heard about it.
“Sorry about that,” he says, sliding his phone back into his pocket. “Everything okay here?”
“Yeah,” Gabby says. “Everything is great.”
He nods, “Good. That’s good.” A brief hesitation reignites the previous tension. “Listen, I gotta go. Something’s going on. I won’t be long, I don’t think, but you two just stay here. Laura will be back soon. I already called her.”
Gabby shrugs, “Okay.” She seems entirely unbothered by the news.
Bellona, on the other hand, stands from the couch. “You’re leaving?” She asks.
Akihiro frowns. “Yeah,” he says. “But just for now. Just for work. You’ll be okay. Gabby,” he looks at her. “Look out for Bellona, okay?”
Bellona turns around. Gabby looks between the two before she shrugs again. “Sure.” To Bellona, she says, “there’s not much to look out for though. Other than for Jonathan. He’s our pet wolverine.”
“He’s your what?”
“Be good,” Akihiro says before Gabby can answer. He’s closing the door before either girl can say anything else.
Bellona stares at it for several moments.
“We can wait for Laura to get back to go out,” Gabby says. “You’re gonna really love her. I do. She’s probably the person I’m closest to here, other than Akihiro.”
Bellona swallows. “Yeah,” she says. “She… she seems great.”
“She is,” Gabby smiles. “You’re really gonna love it here.”
~~~
She doesn’t want to say that it’s too much because that would be a sign of weakness. Bellona has been conditioned to be everything the entire opposite of weak, and she does not intend on failing that now. She wants to be strong and resilient, even as an imperfect copy of a copy. She wants to rise above the mistakes that were made inspite of herself and the others and prove that she is capable of anything too. She’s just as strong. She’s just as brave. She’s just as equipped. So why does this feel so hard?
Walking back through New York feels just the same as it had earlier this morning, only there’s something heavy in the air. She keeps her hands clenched in fists buried in her pockets. A lot of her energy goes towards thinking about which foot to step with next and when to breathe, but a lot of it goes to focusing on not breaking down in the middle of the city.
She just needs to make it back to the apartment.
She just needs to make it back home.
It isn’t that this day went horrible or that her dreams were shattered, it’s that this day existed at all. She had spent years in confinement thinking over the day she’d be reunited with Gabby. Her expectations varied from high to low and all ranges in between, so she never really had one particular way she imagined it to go. She only ever wanted it to happen. At least she thought she did.
She weaves through crowds of different people, ducking her head to avoid their curious eyes. Despite the cool evening breeze, she feels perspiration dampen her hairline. She walks faster.
The look on Gabby’s face when she told them she didn’t think she’d be staying tonight plays on a loop in her head. She knew she had let her down, and she knew it wasn’t what Gabby expected. It wasn’t what Laura expected and, to be entirely honest, it wasn’t what Bellona had expected of herself either. But how could she do it? Gabby had a whole life constructed around Bellona’s absence. She had gotten the second chance that Bellona and Zelda had always hoped for. She had moved on.
When she sees the back of the building, she picks up her pace to a jog. She doesn’t know if he’s expecting her or if he has the slightest idea of what’s occurred today, but she knows she can explain it later. She starts to think of different excuses she can give as she cuts through the grassy yard.
She could tell him that there wasn’t room at the Kinney house, that maybe Laura and Gabby needed a little bit more time to arrange for her to stay.
She could tell him that the council recommend she takes more time to think about her decision.
She could tell him that she’s just a little bit tired and one more good night of sleep is just what she needs to really move forward with this whole escape plan.
Or she could tell him the truth.
By the time she makes it to the stairs, her vision starts to blur. The tears brim like water against a broken dam, hot and angry and confused. She can feel her heart pounding in her chest and her face already feels warm. Her hands tremble as she fumbles with the door.
She needs to tell him the truth.
When she steps inside, the apartment feels cool and calm. She sees Akihiro standing in the kitchen, turned away from her. The door shuts behind her from the momentum at which it was opened. Bellona breathes heavily.
“Hey,” he says, looking halfway over his shoulder. “Thought you’d be here soon. Laura called,” he turns around. “She said you… are you okay?”
Bellona swallows, but the lump in her throat remains. She takes a couple steps further into the livingroom.
“Yeah,” she stammers, but she can feel her throat contract. “I, um… I got to see Gabby today. All day, actually.”
Akihiro sets what he had been holding down on the counter and walks to the entry way of the kitchen. “Okay,” he says. He leans against the frame and folds his arms loosely across his chest. His eyes are soft, but his expression his fixed. He watches her closely.
Bellona looks to the side of him. To speak to him directly in this moment is to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be weak.
“She seems really happy here,” she chokes. “She… she’s really come a long way. She has everything she needs, and-” she swallows. “And she really did it. She made it out okay.”
Her chest tightens when she says it. She doesn’t feel jealousy, only forgotten.
“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Akihiro asks gently. “Isn’t that what you spent your life trying to do for her?”
Bellona holds her breath for a moment and brings her hands to her face, running them back through her hair.
“Yeah,” she breathes. “Yeah, I did– I do– It’s that… I would never wish, I mean… I just thought– I wanted–” she sobs. “I didn’t think she was going to leave me.”
Saying it outloud feels a lot like shattering something fragile against a tile floor. She flinches as she brings her hands back down over her face and she sinks down to her knees.
She didn’t think that Gabby would leave.
She didn’t think that Gabby would forget.
Her voice is muffled by her palms but the tears slip between her fingers. She feels herself tremble and she slumps forward even more.
She didn’t think Zelda would die.
She cries through gritted teeth as she lets the feelings she’s been suppressing come to the surface. She feels anger because of sadness. She feels sadness because of abandonement.
She didn’t think she’d have to be alone.
“Hey,” she hears Akihiro say somewhere in the background of the chaos of her mind. “It’s okay. It’s alright. You’re okay.”
His footsteps come closer until he’s right in front of her, and then he kneels down. It’s effortless for him to lift her from herself enough to lean her against himself. He holds her head against his chest while his other arm braces against her back to keep her from sliding back down. Bellona lets her arms fall limply by her sides.
“I want to leave,” she croaks. “I– I want to go back.” She feels his fingers stroking the ends of her hair.
“Back to where?” he asks. “Back to Krakoa?”
She sobs, “No.” She holds her hands in fists against her lap. “I want to leave. I want to go back.”
His hand stops. He pauses. “Back to S.H.I.E.L.D.?”
She cries outloud, “Please,” and she raises her hands back up to her face. “Please, I can’t be here.” She tries to stand, but Akihiro’s arms tighten around her.
“No,” he whispers. “No, you’re not leaving. You’re just upset. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
Bellona moans, maybe in agony or maybe in frustration or maybe because she can’t do anything else. She feels helpless. Weak. She stops fighting and lets her body collapse forward into his. She hardly recognizes her own voice.
Is it hers?
Is it Gabby’s?
“We’ll try again tomorrow.”
~~~