Drinking down the pain
“One cappuccino. Is that all to day” the lady smiled at me. It wasn't a real smile, it was a work smile. A smile you give when you really don’t want to be somewhere or do something but you have to.
“Yes. thank you” I say as I hand her a ten dollar note.
I don’t blame the young lady for the fake smile. After all it was six in the morning. No one had any business being up at six in the morning. Not even him.
He had a nightmare last night.
Or rather he had remembered something knew last night. It started as a nice memory but he never just got the nice ones. No. For every happy memory he got three memories of his time as the Winter Soldier. And that is when I get the good memories. Most of them are just bad. But even so I take them and I think about them willingly.
Because despite everything, if nothing else there are my memories. And now that the Avengers have started to really hammer down on Hydra the last two years they can never be taken away from him again.
Now he just needs to escape trigger words and then he will be free. Free to just remember them and everything he has done.
It was easier said than done. Every night he had a recording of them. “Longing, Rusted, Seventeen, Daybreak, Furnace, Nine, Benign, Homecoming, One, Freight car. Remember someone you've killed as the winter soldier and go to sleep”
When I started I didn’t even have the strength to turn it off after hearing ‘Longing’ but now I can turn it off after Homecoming.
Like last night. Which is why the nightmare surprised him.
***************************************
“What were you think” he yelled
“What I was thinking. That pig was harassing that young lady, what were you thinking” Steve yelled back. He had a blood noise, a black eye, and a split lip. My knuckles were bleeding and the left side of my jaw felt like hell. As I went to get the first aid kit.
“I just didn’t want you to get hurt”
“I was handling it”
“No you were getting your ass kicked and I had to come and save you Steve”
“i-I would hav-”
“No you wouldn’t have.” I shout. Stop right in front of him. He stayed quiet for a moment looking to the floor, before he turned back to look me in the eyes.
“He was a bully and I will not stand by while someone is being a bully” he spat.
I just signed looking down to the first aid kick in my hands.
“I know. But please… be more careful for me… please”
“Okay I will”
We both know it’s a lie. But I didn’t care. It was enough.
“Come on let's get you cleaned up”
**********
“Well look what we have here” a voice sneered.
I was so cold, I couldn’t feel my left arm, The rest of his body felt like every bone was broken. I was so cold. So cold
“Is that?” another asked happily, shocked.
“Yes. Captain America's precious little boyfriend.”
“Just wait till we tell sergeant hears about this”
“Oh yes just wait”
***********
“Ahhh no please” a woman screamed.
I don’t know what she did but Hydra wanted her dead. So they sent the Winter Soldier. It ignored her screams as it grabbed his gun from its holster pointing it at her.
“Please, I have a family. I promise you whatever they paid you I will double it, triple it even.” she screamed.
But the Soldier was not getting paid. He had to do it because they told it to do it. It raised the gun. And…
BANG
**********************************
I woke up in a cold sweet. It was ten to five. four forty seven it be specific. After calming down and any hour of pretending to fall back to sleep he just accepted that he was up.
Which is why he was here.
Because there is no way I am surviving without some caffeine. Even if I hate the taste of coffee.
It was always more Stevie’s thing
A voice that sounded so much like my own but not quit my own told me. I want it to be my voice. But with everything I have done, with every done to me I don’t think it ever truly will. I just sign as I walk over to a table in the back end of the coffee shop.
Nothing to be done now. It’s done.
Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.
The voice chimes up again. I shake my head. “It’s too early” I mutter under my breath.
As I put my head in my hands pushing my flesh one threw my hair.
“Your coffee, Sir”
A different lady then the one that took my order says as she puts the coffee down on the table.
“Thank you” I say moving my head out of my hands. She gives me a little nod as she walks away.
I look down at the cappuccino.
I quickly pick up the mug drinking a generous amount in one go. Before I set the mug down trying my best not to make a face. I really don’t like coffee. But I can’t deny that it is working. I can feel myself waking up.
Whether it is the caffeine or the taste that is waking me up I don’t know, but either way it was waking me up.
I grumble quietly to myself as I pick up the mug to drink so more of the bitter drink. When I hear the door of the coffee shops open, followed by the little bell ring. I pay him no mind as I take another large gulp of my coffee. I hear the person walk up to the counter calmly. Then he speaks.
“Hi Daisy, how are you this morning?” I freeze. No it can’t be.
“I am alright, how about you?”
“I’m okay”
“So just your usual I'm assuming”
“that ‘s right”
“One large latte with an extra espresso shot to go coming right up. Steve”
“Thanks Daisy,” Steve says.
Fuck
How does he know that I am here?
No he knew that lady’s name and she said ‘usual’ he has been here a lot.
Does he see me
Fuck, how the fuck did I pick the same coffee shop that Steve clearly goes to.
I have to get out of here now
No he will definitely see me if you leave
But if I stay and he see you your fucked.
Ahh
Shit I am trapped
“Steve coffee’s done”
“Thank you”
“Have a good day Steve.”
“You to Miski. See ay Daisy”
Then the door of the coffee shop opened followed by the little bell ring. And Steve was gone. I looked up at the door as I saw him walk across the road and sit at a park bench facing away from the coffee shop pulling out a small book and pencil.
He probably drawing he always used to get up at ungodly hours to draw. Said the sunrise and lack of distraction help him. Remember.
No I don’t. I don’t remember that, or I didn’t a couple of minutes ago. But looking at him now, with his coffee, notebook, and pencil it was all coming back to him. With no bad memories just a
good memory
****************************
I woke up to the sound of shuffling and the feeling of body heat leaving from my chest.
“Mmrr”
I make a noise too tired to think or say actual words. As I grabbed the person that was trying to leave, pulling him tighter to my chest without really thinking about what I was doing.
“Ahh bucky.” the boy let out a surprised gasp.
I didn’t respond, just making another pathetic attempt at words.
“Bucky let go,” Steve said as he started to push at my arms.
“Too early…..back to bed” I say half asleep
“No, I want to do some sketches. Now let me go jerk” Steve whined still pushing at my arms.
“Mhm…. Stay with me… punk” I say
Only after I say that does he stops pushing at my arms. He signed sifting a bit, getting comfortably in my arms.
“Fine you win this time but don’t think you can do this tomorrow” he says.
“Be sneakier tomorrow then” I say still half asleep not really knowing if it made sense.
“Jerk”
“Punk”
*****************************
At that moment I realised I was staring quickly forcing myself to look away. Looking back down at my coffee. I mindlessly finish the last of it.
But I do not need it anymore. I am very awake. I put the mug down with a thud that made me jump, I turned to where Steve was sitting worried that he would somehow hear it.
When logic finally comes back to me I shake my head. Quickly get up and make my way to the door.
“Have a good day” a voice tells me.
I turn a bit too quickly. But it seems that the ladies at the register don't notice. I quickly put on a fake smile.
“You too,” I say with a smile.
I then as calmly as I can walk out of the cafe. My eyes looked on Steve's back as I turned down the path way back to my apartment.
Don’t notices me
Please don’t notice me.
I silently pray as I am forced to take my eyes off him so as not arouse suspicion. I quicken my paces the further I get from him. I get faster and faster until I am running down the street like I am being chased.
After another moment I duck into the back alley of my apartment building. My back hitting the wall and my heart beating a hundred miles an hour. I look to the main path fully expected to see Steve.
After another moment of waiting and seeing nothing I moved from the wall still wary that at any minute Steve will appear out of nowhere. But he didn’t. I walked up the stairs to my apartment.
Even after I get to my room and lock the door, I still feel like I am going to turn around and see Steve there waiting for me. He isn't. But that doesn't help me.
I am not going to work today.
I think as I walk over to my bed. It was one of the only benefits of not having an actual job, but rather just helping random people with heavy lifting and manual labour in exchange for some cash.
Instead I reach over to my tape recorders. It only has one thing recorded on it. I sit down on the mattress that I call a bed and press play on my trigger words.
«Тоска, Ржавый, Семнадцать, Рассвет, Печь, Девять, Доброжелательный, Возвращение домой, Один, Грузовой вагон.»
I make it to One before I feel myself loss the ability to stop the recording
Вспомни кого-то, кого ты убил как Зимний солдат, и иди спать»
I don’t fight the command it gave me like I usually do.
“Remember someone you've killed as the winter soldier and go to sleep”
—--------------------------------------------------
He should not be here right now. He knows this. He doesn’t know anything for certain anymore. But he does know for certain that he should not be here.
But of course I was.
He was here and he is here every Thursday. At five forty.
And so is Steve. But knowing Steve he is here every morning at the ungodly hour at six. And every time he comes in and sees Steve he remembers something different. Something that he should already know.
After which he will go back to his apartment and fight Hydra’s control. But something terrifying happened after he started doing this. He found out how many people he killed and how many missions he has been on.
5013
How he knows this because a month ago when he got the demand “Remember someone you've killed as the winter soldier and go to sleep” he didn’t remember anyone because there was nobody else to remember.
He didn’t know how to feel about it.
5013 lives he took. 5013 stories cut short because of him. 5013 people dead at his hand. He hates it.
And all the while he was here stalking his ex all so he could remember a time when he was a good person. He knows he should feel ashamed, that he should not be getting away with it, that he should not be here.
But he was.
And no matter what his head told him or what anyone else thought he could not stay away even when he tried. And he tired. He really, really truly tried. But he couldn't because he was Bucky Barnes. And this was Steve Rogers.
No one could stop him from searching out Steve in any way he could. not even him.
So that is why he was here sitting at the same table in the back end of the coffee shop with a cappuccino. At five forty in the morning. Waiting for the man he…. Loved.
The man he loved more than anyone or anything to come to order a coffee and walk over to the park bench across the road to draw.
Fuck he had truly lost it hasn’t he.
“Your cappuccino” Daisy said as she gave a smile. A real one this time, not the fake one she gave him the first time he came here.
“Thank you Daisy”
She nodded as she walked back to behind the counter.
It was five to six I noted as I took my first painful sip of the bitter drink. Ghh I really don’t like coffee. But there were worse things that he had endured in his time. He wished that drinking coffee was one of the great challenges in his life. He thought as he took another generous sip of the cappuccino.
Do you think you will talk to him? Tell him that you are here?
My brain asks me. And I want to. I really want to, more than anything I want to tell him I am here and that I am ok. But I can’t. Even though I want to. I can’t because I am a coward. Ha fuck. Why couldn’t that stupid bar stay attached to that stupid train.
I feel my eyes start to get watery.
No you are not going to cry right now. I take another sip of my cappuccino trying to swallow my feelings with the drink. I should not be here.
I don’t deserve to be here.
Then the door of the coffee shop door opened followed by the little bell ring.
“Morning Harry,”
“Morning Cap”
“Steve. Harry. Just call me Steve”
“Right Steve. Just your normal.”
The conversion just makes me feel worse. Steve was always so nice to everyone, never letting anyone pick on someone just because they were bigger, he was a hero before and after the serum. And once he could say he was a good person. But that was long ago. He swallowed the rest of his coffee in one painful gulp.
He should not be here.
With that thought I got up and made a beeline for the door.
I keep my head low. This is the last time I come here, I tell myself. How many times I had told myself that I lost count. The words had lost all their wait a long time ago but still I thought them anyway as I made it to the door.
This time I would mean it. After I opened this door I would never come back here. I will disappear somewhere far from here and never come back. I will leave Steve alone and let him live his life. And I will live out the rest of my day somewhere where I won’t hurt anyone anymore. Till the day I finally die. I grab the door. This is it you open this door and you're gone and you say goodbye to Steve, and all the good memories he brings. I feel myself start to silently start to cry. Say your goodbyes this is the last time you see him before you go and then
And then….
“Bucky”
I froze at my name.
Then I remembered what it meant.
I don’t waste any time going into flight or fight mood and I pick flight. I am out the door and running like my life depends on it before I really know what I am doing.
Steve is running too.
I can hear him right behind me.
Ah I knew I knew that the whole idea was stupid. I should have run the minute I knew Steve went to that stupid coffee shop. I should have left the country the minute I decided to go agensted Hydra. I should have fought Hydra brainwashing longer. I should have grabbed Steve’s hand on that train. I should have kissed Steve more when I was younger.
“Bucky wait” Steve yelled at me.
Better yet I should have been braver. I should have lived like every minute with Steve was my last. I should have hugged him, kissed him, told him how much I loved him every minute of every day until he was so sick of it that he left.
“Buck. Bucky stop run.”
I should have loved him so much that he got scared of me. He should have run away from me before the war even started. I should have let him leave. I have no right loving him.
“Slow down”
And he should not love me.
“Bucky I said slow down”
The memory hit me like a punch to the face.
*************************
“Bucky I said slow down” Steve yelled.
“Come on Steve we are almost there we have to show my Ma and yours are test’s. My Ma promised if we got an A she would let me stay at your house for the night and she would make Hoover Stew just how I like it” I had shouted. I was thirteen. I hadn't known Steve that well and my Ma wasn’t very comfortable with Miss Rogers yet. So she said if I got an A I could stay the night.
She didn’t think I could do it. Nothing had work before that point to get me to care about school. But as everyone quickly learnt, if you want to get to him you use Steve.
“I know…huff.. b-but I-huff.. Slow down” Steve huff out of breath.
I stopped and looked back.
“Steve, are you okay?” I asked now, worried.
“I’m… huff. Huff fine….. It’s you I am worried about”
*********************************
“What” I whispered, shocked at the younger Steve's words.
I don’t have much time to think about it though as the present Steve tackles me to the floor. Shit I am fucked.
“Bucky”