Billionare, Playboy Philanthropist
Now, we come to the interesting part of my autobiography. Pepper told me she would divorce me if I explicitly explained some of the things I did during this time. Peter told me that if I dared, he wouldn't send me a single meme for an entire year and Morgan has no clue what anyone is referring to, which, I am keeping that way for now.
Normally I am not one to listen to anyone, but being threatened with divorce and no memes for an entire year is a very serious threat, even more serious than that one time some idiot called the Mandarin threatened to kill me - I'll get to that later, promise.
So, let's just say, I was a playboy in my early years of my life, and also in my middle years. In total honestly, my playboy phase lasted well into my 38th year, and it still took me another year until I finally stopped with that behaviour.
To any young soul reading this: don't be like me, please. If you do, you will have a kid in the future who, whenever he is mad at something you said, does a deep-dive on the web and produces newspaper articles that are severely embarrassing and threatens to show them to your 5-year-old daughter. Or, be like me, but never adopt a teenage kid, that way you stay in the relatively safe zone.
Well, my early years of life: I had my best friend Rhodey, who decided to join the US military, who knows for what reason: imagine willingly following orders! We had lots of fun whenever he was not off on military business.
A certain event that I recall, from when I was 25, included a severely drunken Rhodey asking my newly-hired assistant, Pepper Potts out. She promptly threw a margarita over him, and told him that if he did not sober up before tomorrow, she would kick him out of my mansion. I don't think she had the jurisdiction to do that, but I found it too hilarious to tell her so. My mistake: after that incident she occasionally kicked people out of my mansion.
Another incident, I was thirty I do believe, had Rhodey falling for this Russian chick. She had blond hair and green eyes and was quite the sight to behold. Poor Rhodey: she turned out to be a Russian spy, who was just trying to get him to give her essential information about the military. Rhodey's heart broke that day, she was arrested, and I had quite the laugh, and continued enjoying my party.
Those parties: they were the best. Wine was served, alcohol was served and the assortment of expensive snacks. You rubbed shoulders with other celebrities, spoke to reporters and flirted with the female ones and watched Rhodey embarrass himself: peak comedy.
Sadly, after the Russian spy incident, Rhodey became the more sensible of us two and stopped flirting with the ladies, which caused for me being the only one embarrassing myself, although, at the time, I would not have labelled what I did to be embarrassing.
When one is rich, it is surprising with how much you can get away: you can insult anyone you wish to insult, so long as it isn't the president (it is ill-advised: presidents don't take kindly to billionaires who insult them).
Of course, I didn't only party. I didn't sleep, that was for sure. Still don't do that much, though nowadays I am threatened by my wife and my dumb superhero friends that they will get someone with super strength to lock me in my room, so I tend to sleep more to save myself from the embarrassment of being hoisted over the shoulders of America's golden boy and being carried to my bed like a toddler.
Brief intermission: I have taken pictures of this happening, also I have some videos. Check out my account on twitter, at @ Peter_Parker_Stark to see them, I will be posting lots of the stuff mentioned in this autobiography here. Since Tony will be writing about some dumb stuff I have done, so it's like a bit of revenge XD - Peter Parker Stark
Besides barely sleeping, I worked a lot: inventions were my life. First and foremost I made a personal AI to equip in my mansion. In honour of my late butler, I called it JARVIS, which stands for Just A Rather Very Intelligent System.
On the less happy side of things, I built weapon after weapon, machine after machine. All did one thing: destroy. I was good at making things that destroy, the consequences for which, I am still facing to this day, but especially faced around my 37th.