My sincerest apologies
First of all: Sorry for startling you. You probably thought this was a new chapter (finally!), but no, it isn’t. I apologize for that; after all this time you’d deserve one.
In the spirit of full disclosure though: I only have about half of a chapter, and I’m not happy with it. That’s no surprise, since it’s been marinating on a USB for almost 2 years now. My taste has changed, my style has changed, my view on the story has changed. Half a chapter, in this context, means that basically I have nothing.
What I can and will give you, though, is the honest reason why I haven’t been active at all.
As many of you know, when I posted my last few chapters, I’d just started a new job. I was excited, motivated and already expecting that most of my time and effort would go to my daytime occupation instead of my writing.
What I didn’t expect was, that my employer, behind the kind smile and the superficially understanding veneer, turned out to be an energy vampire that sucks me dry of everything that I am. It sounds dramatic, but I assure you, this is very much an abusive relationship. I stayed, because I honestly loved my work. But it consumes endless, overwhelming amounts of what is supposed to be my free time. I am constantly watched, controlled, evaluated, reprimanded for things that I can't know, don't understand and nobody will explain to me. "Don't question me, just obey," are words that I thought no employer would ever say in a first world country. I am stressed to the point that my hair has started falling out.
Most nights I spend watching Youtube videos, because I can’t muster up the energy to do anything more strenuous than that. I can’t concentrate on TV shows or books anymore. I don’t know when the last time was that I felt emotionally able to play a video game.
The truth is, I’m probably depressed.
Everything that I write seems off somehow; my plots are weak and full of holes. Any problem that I can’t solve in 5 minutes, I drop.
The Bonds and Hugs series is a monster. By now it spans over 60 chapters, with no end in sight. And don’t get me wrong – I love it. I love what this fic has done for my writing, still love the ideas and the characters. Even if my own writing makes me cringe in places, I will never forget how I felt when I wrote it.
But I look at it and realize, if I want to follow the entirety of the Naruto plot, it stretches onwards endlessly. I haven’t read the manga for ages. It’s been over 10 years since I last checked in with the anime. There are so many details that I’ve forgotten at this point (or never knew about), and no chance of ever catching up again. And suddenly research became a chore; an insurmountable task. Looking at my half finished chapter, I feel only anxious.
I can’t abandon this story. There’s too much of my heart and soul in it.
That’s why I want to say: I will come back to this story. Not now. Probably not even soon. But someday.
Thank you very much for all the support. Even now, I read all of your comments and it makes me smile. Every single one of them makes me feel like I can do this, after all.
And I sincerely apologize for disappearing like this. I thought I couldn’t face you. But this essentially makes me the parent that goes out to buy cigarettes and then just never comes back. I don’t want to be that parent.
So this is me, giving you a call, so to speak. I’m not gone. I’m trying. Currently I’m looking for a new job and hopefully a therapist. We’ll see how it goes.
Much love,
D