Steve lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He’d been like that for a while, not even thinking, just staring. It was 6 AM, but the sky outside was still black with pollution. He finally decided to get some breakfast, and sluggishly got on his feet. He gazed at the locket on his bedside table, a small picture of Bucky tucked inside. He had the weekend off, Fury had promised him some paid time off if he ever needed it. Busting drug dealers and underground technosmiths for the past few weeks had been grating, and he needed to rest. On his way to the kitchen he was distracted by the cityscape. His apartment, given to him by SHIELD, was a luxurious highrise overlooking New York City. Bright neon shone against the black sky. It was beautiful in its own right, but not in the way it used to be. Suddenly, he heard his doorbell ring. “It’s Nat,” said a voice through the speaker. Steve hurried back to his bedroom, having only his underwear on, and threw on a pair of sweatpants. He hurried back to the door and opened it.
“It’s six in the morning, you know.”
“Did I wake you?”
“No. I was already awake.”
“Trouble sleeping?”
“What do you want?”
“Just checking in, jeez. And I brought bagels.”
“Sure. Come in.” Steve led her inside and closed the door behind her. He went back to his room to put on a shirt and grabbed a white tank top from the dresser.
“Nice place you got here.”
“Thanks. Fury gave it to me,” Steve remarked, reentering the kitchen. “Sorry, I don’t have anything to put on them.” He beckoned to the bagels.
“Already a step ahead of you.” Nat pulled a box of cream cheesed from out of the bag. “You know how hard it is to get real cream cheese anymore?”
“If you wanna toast ‘em, I’ve got a toaster.” Steve sat down while Nat fiddled with the bagels and put them in.
“So, how are you adjusting? It’s been a few months.”
“I don’t even know if I have an answer to that. I’ve been focusing on our work.”
“Really? 150 years in ice and you just bounce back like that? I don’t believe it.”
“Who said I bounced back?” Before Steve could continue, the microwave beeped and Nat got the bagels. She plated them and sat back down, her face looking softer now.
“What’s on your mind, soldier?”
Steve sighed deeply. “I knew that even if we won the war, I still wouldn’t have much to go back to. I didn’t have friends at home, and my parents were both gone. I didn’t know what I would do when if was over. If only I’d known how many more wars there would be after.”
“You really didn’t have anyone? What about that girl, Peggy?”
“You mean SHIELD founder Peggy Carter?”
“Yeah, but you loved her, didn’t you? I’ve seen the old newsreels. I remember the compass.”
Steve remained silent for a moment, his eyes stuck on his bagel. “Don’t believe everything on TV.”
Nat smirked. “What, you guys actually hated each other?”
“No, we were friends. Nothing more. I think she thought there was something between us, but I wasn’t interested, and she respected that. She was really there for me when… when Bucky died.”
“‘Best friends on both the schoolyard and the battlefield.’ That’s what they would always say about you two. Best friends since you were kids and you fought together in war. Losing someone that close to you, I can imagine it’d take quite the toll on you.” She learned in, putting a hand on Steve’s arm. “It happened only a month before you went down. Is that what you’re thinking about? It feels like only a few months ago to you.”
“We met when I was ten, he was eleven. We spent our teenage years together, even moved in together when my mom died in ‘36. We were barely adults, but we managed to get by. I can hardly remember what it was like to live without him. When I lost him…” Steve trailed off, finding it hard to breath. He took a deep breath and continued. “When I lost him, I didn’t know what I would do. I was angry, all I wanted was to kill the people who took him from me.” He finally look up at Nat, tears welling in his eyes, but his voice steady as a rock. “Who took the man I loved.”
Nat’s eyes widened. She got up and hugged Steve as he began to cry. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” When Steve reduced to a sniffle, she sat back down, holding his hand. “Does anyone else know?”
“Peggy did. I told her after it happened,” he sniffed. “His picture was in the locket. Hers was just a decoy. Fury found it on the Valkyrie and kept it to himself until I woke up. It’s still on my table.” He got up and walked over, bringing it back to her.
“Wow. He was handsome. You were a lucky guy. Did he know?”
“Yeah. He stayed over one night when I was fifteen. It was winter, and it was freezing in our place. I always got hit with something bad that time of year, and he and my mom always took care of me. He slept in my bed with me to keep me warm. I remember that night, I just kinda instinctively put my arms around him to keep him close. We were face to face, closer than we’d ever been. We were looking at each other, when I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. I stayed there a few seconds, and when I pulled back his eyes were wide. I thought I’d fucked everything up, but then he kissed me back. Suddenly we were kissing like we were making up for years of it, because we were. After that night we stayed ‘involved’. Bucky went on dates with girls just to keep up appearances, but sometimes we’d come across a lesbian couple and we’d double date in secret. He was the love of my life. To find someone who loved you back like that in those days was… well, it felt impossible.”
Nat smiled, now teary-eyed herself. “It’s different now. It’s legal to marry someone of the same gender. If you wanted to come out, people would be okay with it.”
“Yeah.” Steve’s voice grew quiet again. “It’s just that, without him, I don’t really feel like I need to do it. I’m never gonna love someone like that again, so what’s the point in looking?”
“I understand. Did you know I’m a lesbian?”
Steve looked up, surprised. “I didn’t.”
“Well, don’t tell anyone, but Maria Hill and I kinda have something going on.”
Steve laughed, smiling bigger than Nat had even seen him. “Does Fury know?”
“Oh yeah,” Nat smirked, “he set us up.”
“Wow. I’m happy for you, Nat. I’m happy you don’t have to live in a world were loving someone is a death sentence.”
“Well, there are many worlds out there, Rogers. The place I came from wasn’t into interpersonal relationships of any kind.”
“Russia?”
“The Red Room.”
“Care to tell me about it?”
“Well, since you’ve just exposed your deepest secret to me, I think you deserve to hear some of mine.”