The full extent of Naruto’s trauma goes unnoticed for a long time — Tsunade had thought it best if she kept the fractured pieces of Team 7 away from missions following Sasuke’s betrayal. It would let them grieve for a while yet, before throwing them into a situation where they would be forced to acknowledge the hole the Uchiha had left in their team.
She doesn’t order them to undertake psych evaluations, mainly due to the strain the evaluation team is already under; Konoha won the war with Suna and Sound only by the skin of their teeth, and the guilt over the failures show in the shinobi’s cracked spirit.
And anyway, it doesn’t take a genius to see that the three left in Team 7 each believe that Sasuke was their own personal failure.
Failing to show Sasuke another way.
Failing to keep him in the village- to keep him entertained.
Failing to bring him back.
It does, however, prove to be more work than the village can manage to make the three talk to each other. Everyone in the village, especially those who had met Sasuke or been given reason to read his file, thought that the blame was squarely on the shoulders of two Uchiha: Itachi and Sasuke himself.
Sasuke had been a ticking time bomb, and through the efforts of Team 7, they’d managed to minimise the fallout. Rather than understanding this, and working to move on, Team 7 stalls, stuck in their own condemnation.
It is weeks before they are given another C-rank mission.
--
Kakashi is moving the moment he hears Sakura scream. It’s a high-pitched, blood-curling cry of terror, and it turns his blood cold, freezes his skin, and impedes his thoughts, even as it lends him focus. He’s already lost one of his little pups, and he refuses to lose another. Not while he still has breath in his body.
He bursts into their room at the inn, consciously deciding to run into the situation blind, possibly for the first time in his life. Anathema as it is to him, at the very lest he can give Sakura the second where he is killed to get away, even if he’s unable to do anything else. He lands in front of Sakura, sharingan exposed and kunai in hand, ready for a Kage level threat.
It takes an embarrassingly long time for him to understand what he sees. Naruto is crouched in a ready position, his own kunai in hand and low growls issuing from his throat. There’s no shimmer of rage-red chakra and his eyes are still clear blue pools, although his blond genin is very obviously feral.
He’d sent Sakura up to wake her teammate, and it seems that she’d succeeded. The carnage that the blond had managed to create in the moments it had taken Kakashi to arrive pays homage to that.
And it is, surprisingly, Naruto. Obito’s eye shows no signs that indicate impersonation or mind control. Rather, trace amounts of the Kyuubi’s chakra mix with the boy’s systems, much as they had done throughout his life, as a foolproof positive of his identity.
A quick check of his pocket brings a wave of relief — he’d thought to bring rope as well as nin-wire. After having watched the boy grow up as much as he could, and even teaching him a lot more about being a shinobi, restraining Naruto isn’t exactly hard. It hurts to see Sensei’s son tied in such a way, and even more to see the terror and vacancy of thought that fill those eyes.
“Naruto!”
It was as though Naruto was sleep walking — something Kakashi hadn’t heard of a shinobi doing outside of a genjutsu — only lashing out in response to a perceived threat. There is no genjutsu here, no additional foreign chakra enforcing something new upon the boy’s mind, and that only serves to increase Kakashi’s sense of panic.
“Naruto, look at me!”
No response to the name, no flicker of acknowledgment. The only change was a renewed struggle against his bonds, low growls falling from his throat.
Needing to find some part of Naruto looking back at him — I can’t lose him too, please — Kakashi tries to force Naruto to look at him, to dig deep and find his student. Instead, he pulls his hand back in pure surprise when Naruto’s teeth clack together in a clear attempt to bite to it.
It’s a very feral move, one that Kakashi knows mainly from creatures backed into a corner, one they can’t get out of. He’s seen this expression on the face of shinobi after hours of torture, after they’ve seen their team killed in front of them, or after they’ve been toyed with for hours on end. It speaks of desperation, and only fuels Kakashi’s dread.
He reacts on instinct, using the same technique he’s used to train his dogs when their playful nips had become something a bit more life-threatening. When Naruto’s mouth opens again, he forces his fingers into his student’s mouth, finding the area at the back where gum covers his teeth. Using this as his hold, Kakashi forces the other to meet his gaze.
He can’t see Naruto there, but rather pure instinct. The eyes of a terrified animal stuck in a trap, staring into the eyes of a predator. The blue pools show a combination of fear, and hope, and a this time, please, even as the truth sets into the bones. He waits for a minute — please let this be Naruto, I can’t kill him too — but Naruto’s eyes stay the same, no recognition entering their depths.
Out of other ideas or options, Kakashi draws his hand back, out of the boy’s mouth before using it to slap Naruto with a resounding crack. The noise seems to echo around the room, astonishingly loud after what had been an essentially quiet fight.
This time, when blue eyes meet his, they are filled with horror. Directed inward, and Kakashi has seen those eyes, has seen them reflected back from the mirror. For the moment, he can only feel relief.
A low, hesitant “Naruto?” from the door reminds them both of Sakura’s presence.
--
He pays for the damages to the room, but is unable to do anything about the damage to his genin. For all that they’re still there, Kakashi knows that he’s broken his anchors.
--
There are decisions to be made, and Kakashi doesn’t want to part with yet another of his genin. Naruto, once properly woken, had been horrified, apologies pouring from his mouth almost faster than his tongue could handle. Sakura’s pallor had improved from the sheet-white to something closer to off-milk during breakfast, and Kakashi’s fairly certain that there’s no need to mention what had happened.
A quick conversation with Sakura means that she won’t talk to anyone else about it, either. Naruto is the closest thing to Sasuke that she has left and, apparently, she’s not giving up that connection lightly.
--
Kakashi had hoped that he’d be able to hide Naruto’s reaction, even though he’d known how unlikely it was. He’d expected that he’d be able to hide it for longer.
But Konoha is hurting from the aftermath of Suna’s attempted invasion, Team 7 is one member too short, and Kakashi is one of the top jounin in the village. Sakura is Tsunade’s apprentice, though she’s rapidly becoming a genius medic-nin in her own right. In hindsight he’d been a bit optimistic, though that thought doesn’t help when reality crashes down around his ears.
Sakura is kept in-village to continue her training under the Sannin, and there are too many S-ranks and A-ranks, and Naruto is sent with another team while Kakashi is still on-mission.
Team Gai arrives back in Konoha in a puddle of blood, Tenten with dark wounds gouged into her sides, those that will scar. She survives, perfectly fine after a few weeks under the tender care of the medic-nins, but the secret Kakashi had tried to burry becomes common knowledge among their year-mates.
--
Naruto leaves Konoha for a number of reasons. The civilians know nothing about it, but are relieved that the Kyuubi is being taken out of the village. Finally, and good riddance to the damned thing. Most shinobi understand that he is training under Jaraiya, the Sannin, and would give their dominant arm to be given the same opportunity. They whisper possible ways and reasons that such a position would be given to the demon-child, many coming up empty handed.
There are some theories that do come to life, the main one being that Naruto is training to bring back The Last Uchiha.
The Konoha Twelve, as they have taken to calling themselves, are the only ones to be given an explanation.
Naruto doesn’t trust anyone. Can’t trust anyone after what Sasuke did. Not when he sleeps, at least. He attacks everyone. Friend, foe, civilian, ninja and everything in between.
When he’s conscious he is able to stop himself. To reason who the people around him are, where they lie on the danger scale. To distinguish the innocent from the threatening.
Upon their entrance to the hospital, Neji had removed the blocks he’d placed on Naruto’s movement. Kakashi had to hold the blond down to allow medics to work on him after the disastrous fight. Tears had streamed down Kakashi’s face, soaking into his mask and hitai-ate, hidden by his bowed head. Naruto had been trying to kill his teammates even as he bled out.
It is just one more failure that Kakashi adds to his ever growing list.
--
His team broken, Kakashi fades into the background. He is almost never seen within the village, and when he is within her walls, it is never for long. Konoha becomes a way point, the home full of ghosts, but one that he can never seem to let go.
He doesn’t interact with any shinobi on a regular basis, excepting Tsunade. He needs to see her to discover his next mission. He manages to avoid even Gai, although there are a few close calls. He fights for the home he can’t live in, but cannot leave.
He doesn’t, however, manage to avoid Sakura all the time. There are shadows in her eyes, that collect and grow; another reflection of Kakashi himself. This is why he never thought he should be given any genin. The only thing he could teach them was pain.
He knows Sakura feels left behind. By Sasuke, by Naruto, by Kakashi himself. He knows it, but cannot even fathom where to begin to fix it. He can’t explain that Sasuke hasn’t truly been here since Itachi left. He can’t explain how he knows, simply knows that Naruto will always return to her side, even if he must die trying. He can’t explain that he left her where she’s safe from his poisonous influence; with a master to teach her to be strong in a way that Kakashi could never show her. How he’s protecting her even has he avoids her eyes, her sight, her presence.
He can see the scars that build up, the heavy toll that heartbreak and desperation take on her psyche. He sees it break her down, and then watches as she builds herself up again, becoming more. More powerful, more determined, more self-confident. Just more.
But nothing can help him anymore.
He takes on every mission he can, and collects more scars of his own. Their line of work is a dangerous one, and people die.
Sometimes he wonders why he can never seem to.
--
Kakashi quietly shatters again, fading back into the shadows.
--
Hatake Sakumo followed his wife a few short years after her death. Kakashi’s presence had not been enough to keep him tethered to the world, and he had left of his own accord.
Kakashi has no real memories of his mother, only half-remembered stories that his father whispers as he tucks his son into bed. Stories of a strong ninja, able to overcome any obstacle. A ninja that graduated early at the top of her class (ranked not first kunoichi, but simply first), one that had made even a Kage back down.
He remembers words whispered in the short moments just before sleep overtakes him about how much he looks like his mother, in the angle of his jaw, his nose, his mouth. Even his eyes, though they’re the same colour as Sakumo’s. How, really, the only thing that makes him look like Sakumo is his hair.
Kakashi finds a turtleneck shirt that’s too big, and begins to cover his face. Anything to make that sad whisper in his father’s voice, the grief in his eyes, the pain in his movements go away.
It seems to work at first. His father looks at him longer, greets him easier and smiles a little wider.
And then he enters the shinobi academy early. Things become worse (he doesn’t find out about the catastrophic mission for a few years yet, and by that time, Kakashi already knows the end result, and even who is really at fault for Sakumo’s end).
Kakashi never tells anyone that he is there in time to hear his father’s last words and watch the light leave his eyes. He says nothing about how he’s walked in just as the blade had been driven deep, seen the first drops of blood fall. He voices no word about trying to stop the flow of blood with his hands, even as he struggled to understand what was happening. He tells no one how he’d curled into the fading heat of Sakumo’s body, red soaking his clothing while a dying Kakashi, breathed out painfully, rings in his ears.
He never mentions to anyone that he could have stopped The White Fang’s death — not Minato-sensei, not even Gai in their many years of friendship. He’d only had to show his father his face. The face of his mother, with the colour of his father — a blend of their genetics and proof that Sakumo had done something in this life. Prove that Kakashi loved his father. It was the only thing Sakumo had asked for, his last wish as Kakashi had left for his mission. A dying wish, in retrospect.
Minato-sensei only heard from him hours later, long after Sakumo’s body had stiffened, and the village had drawn their own conclusions about the blood that covered him. Assumed he’d gone training, and arrived home to a dead body. Believed that he’d only tried to wake his father in disbelief or tried to close a wound that had long been fatal. That he’d gone to find his sensei immediately.
He was too late. He’s always too late, but he tries to make up for the inevitable tardiness in other ways for years.
He only learns the futility of that idea with Minato’s death.
--
The people that know Kakashi’s past believe that he entered ANBU to forget. To forget his failures and his ever growing guilt over them.
In many ways, they are correct. In many ways they are very, very wrong.
--
Kakashi leaves the blood, gore and blankness of ANBU because he unwillingly gets an anchor, strange as it sounds. Rather, his anchor gets sick of this shadow, the farce of a life Kakashi leads and, understanding his character, does something about it.
Suddenly he’s shadowed whenever he’s in-village and notes turn up in random places waiting for him. He never mentions it to anyone else in the corps; he doesn’t want them to stop. Although it hurts to start remembering, he has something, someone that notices that he’s there, some proof of his existence.
A loud, and rather green proof of existence, but Maito Gai, it seems, it exactly what he’d needed to bring himself back. To see the bloodstained hands he’d acquired over the years. To see exactly how far he’d fallen. To force Kakashi to acknowledge that Kakashi existed.
He’s still unsure whether he’s forgiven the other jounin for that.
--
Kakashi was not given the title of genius lightly. No one in Konoha is given that title without some firm reasoning. He knows what Sarutobi had seen, what his teachers had all seen, and what they think.
He’s not surprised when he is given genin. Annoyed, but not surprised. After all, with the “progress” he’s made through his ties with Gai, he can see what Sarutobi thinks three more ties to impressionable genin would do. And if he can pass on his knowledge to another generation, all the better.
He fails each and every team.
The first team… he honestly doesn’t know how they graduated the academy. They had poor taijutsu and barely existent ninjutsu. They couldn’t come up with a strategy to get out of a paper bag, let alone live long enough for help to arrive. They didn’t keep track of their environment, and were completely susceptible to genjutsu.
Hell, Kakashi had been tempted to just set Pakuun on them, and leave the nin-hound to it. The only thing that stayed this hand was the thought that the damn pup wouldn’t have allowed him to forget it. He could hear the teasing; The Great Kakashi, the copy-nin, the Hatake genius, Kakashi, was afraid of a small group of genin.
He sighed and pulled out the first book he’d been able to get his hands on. He hadn’t even been able to catch a glimpse of the title, only the almost offendingly bright orange colour, before Gai had pulled him away from the shop to meet his potential team.
--
Kakashi is announced back to Konoha with his first Icha-Icha book in hand and a failed genin team in his wake. It’s a reputation that doesn’t leave, and honestly, Kakashi likes it better than some of the others. It’s not like he has to go out of his way to make it continue.
--
He failed the third team due to their lack of character. They hadn’t yet decided the foundations for their personality, and he refused have them imitate his own — built on blood, war and shadows. He refused to tarnish Konoha with any more of him.
--
After Obito is killed, Kakashi doesn’t leave his apartment. Not for food, training, or Rin’s pleas for simple company. Minato finally breaks the week after their return to find Kakashi hidden in the heart of a pile of his summons. It’s enough of an indicator of Kakashi’s mental state to worry about, even beyond the fact that the boy hasn’t left his apartment.
Each of Kakashi’s summons touches the boy in some way, from the tip of one paw dragging against the shinobi’s calf, muzzles pressed against silver hair, to laying full-body across his lap.
It is only as the effect of one nin-hound in the pile shifting ripples across and back though the pile that Minato realises Kakashi hasn’t changed his outfit. He’s still dressed in the red soaked clothes of the mission, blood caked on his armour, and dried in his hair. A quick check reveals that even his hands still have blood covering them, dried rust brown, and beginning to flake off.
The blood on his face is broken by clear trails that march their way down the twelve-year-old’s cheek, paying testament to his activities the past seven days.
He doesn’t stir as Minato gently picks up the boy, the summons each nodding in approval and dismissing themselves.
Kushina is fond of the boy, seeing him as a younger brother, much in the way that Minato does. She takes the clothes and armour that Minato removes in their bathroom, burning the clothes before scrubbing the blood from everything else. Minato washes the boy, though Kakashi doesn’t wake, even when placed into the warm waters of the bath.
It takes the two of them half the night to clean both the boy and his gear, before they use an old shirt of Minato’s to cloth the boy, covering his face, and tucking him into the makeshift bed on the couch.
Kakashi returns once a week to stay with them, and never returns the shirt.
--
Iruka, Kakashi reflects, would not do well in Torture and Interrogation.
“Wh-what do you mean, ‘Can I have a copy’?” the teacher demands, the look of triumph disappearing from his face. He’d apparently thought that a small piece of blackmail would stop a jounin from entering his genin into the chounin exams. And a bad piece of blackmail at that.
“It’s a nice photo.” Kakashi shrugged.
“You— you don’t want me to get rid of the evidence?”
Kakashi had, of course, been aware that the chounin had taken the photo at the time. It only looks like he’d been napping. His genin hadn’t known he was awake either, and they’d have had a better shot at working it out.
It’s an endearing photo of his team. He’s using a tree as a chair, Naruto curled in his lap, Sasuke on one side and Sakura on the other. Naruto had simply rested his head against Kakashi’s chest, curling up, almost as though Kakashi’s heartbeat had lulled him to sleep. Sasuke had wriggled under the arm that held the Ichi-Icha novel to his chest (which Naruto had managed to miss, curled slightly to one side) while Sakura has her hand flung across his stomach, hand clutching at Naruto’s shirt.
Kakashi can reliably say it is the most adorable photo he’s seen with himself included.
“Maaa, Iruka, why would I want that?”
Iruka looks somewhat numb as he hands over the photo, blackmail attempt forgotten in the shock that’s frozen his brain.
Kakashi smiles softly, safe behind his mask. It really was a cute photo. He places it carefully in the folds of his jacket, determined to keep the memento safe.
“So, you’re still entering them in the chounin exams? There’s nothing I can do to change that?”
Kakashi doesn’t bother to fix the other ninja with any look. Obviously the teacher didn’t realise that Sharingan-Kakashi was not his reputation. More than what people claimed he was, and yet far less.
More blood-stained and far, far less human.
--
The photo “gifted” by Iruka takes pride-of-place in his house. Right next to the picture of his first team.
--
The problem is that Kakashi doesn’t react. Rin’s death would have been bad enough. In many ways Kakashi had been clinging to her as the last piece of Obito that he had left.
He wasn’t able to honour his father’s last words, his last request, but he can do this for Obito, the boy that made him who he is.
He can look after Rin, try to make her happy the way Obito would have wanted, until, of course, he can’t. Until she’s looking at him, a sad smile on her face. Blood covering his face, and he can feel the last beats of her heart, pressed against his forearm.
“Kakashi…” Rin doesn’t really finish her last words, but he thinks he knows them anyway. Look after Minato and look after himself.
He removes his arm, feeling muscle and bone press against his skin, and it’s Rin’s insides. Rin’s blood covering him, mixing with Obito’s to stain his hands forever.
That’s three people he’s let die, he realises. Three comrades, three precious people, three of them that he’s killed.
Please he thinks. No more. Please, no more.
They say things come in threes. In many ways, Kakashi hopes that they’re right. He hopes he’ll only have to live with three of his precious people’s deaths on his hands. However, he also hopes they’re wrong.
He can’t handle failing yet another precious person’s last request.
He follows her to the ground in a dead faint.
--
They bring Rin’s body home, the way they were never able to do for Obito.
Kakashi was supposed to show Obito the world through his eye, to show him how he cared for their team mate. Instead, he shows Obito how he killed Rin.
Minato sends him into ANBU, and Kakashi shows Obito how to kill, and kill better.
--
He was Kushina’s guard. Minato had removed him from the duty a few days before the Kyuubi attacked the city.
He should have stopped it. He should have been there to make sure that Kushina, at the very least, had time to get away, to get help.
One again, it’s his failure. This time, there’s more than one casualty, though. Look after yourself Rin had told him. He hadn’t been able to, so Minato had pushed him into ANBU. He’d been placed into the position, even when someone else would have been better, would have done better.
Look after Minato she’d told him. Minato is dead, because he couldn’t guard Kushina properly, the civilians are dead, his comrades are dead, and it’s his fault. Naruto, Minato’s son, Kushina’s son, Kakashi’s nephew by every right but blood, is without parents.
He’s sixteen. He can’t look after Naruto, even if he wanted to. Instead, he acts as Naruto’s guard, when he can. He holds the boy, carries him to the orphanage, hands him over, and warns them of the consequences should any harm befall the blond.
Out of all the guards, Kakashi carries the blond the most, removing him from the danger the civilians present, until he’s three and Sarutobi decides he’s old enough to survive without his guard.
Kakashi is sent on a three year mission. When he gets back, Kakashi visits him, ducking his head through the window while the boy sleeps. Naruto seems healthy, and a quiet smile is curved across his face.
Kakashi leaves.
--
The people that know Kakashi well enough believe that he entered ANBU to forget.
They would be correct. They would also be wrong.
He enters because he has nothing left. Everyone close to him has died, and with them, his anchors.
He refuses to do that again. He will never be too late to save one of his precious people again because he will not have any. His friends will not die because of him again.
He enters ANBU to forget not only what he lost, but to forget even himself. He doesn’t want to be in pain anymore.
--
Three years after he left — nearly to the day — Naruto arrives back in Konoha. The Konoha 12 had been taking turns, almost, in their wait for Naruto at the gate, and Sakura’s there when he arrives. (Kakashi envies them their optimism in their willingness to ignore the fact that there are only eleven of the Konoha 12. And while he doubts that the name will ever make the history books, Kakashi can’t say that he thinks they haven’t earned it.)
Kakashi admits to himself that he’d been expecting… something different. He’s not sure what, exactly, but he’d expected Naruto to be a bit more different, to have changed a little less. He hadn’t really expected this orange-wearing idiot that had learned to plan, but whose strength was still surprise and whose determination never wavered. A ninja with the same kind, caring heart and enhanced abilities.
It makes him smile, seeing the way that Naruto has turned out, against all odds. That Naruto seems to treat him as an elder brother, almost the way they should have been anyway.
Sakura, as it turns out, has changed as well. Grown much more than he’d ever thought. He’d tracked her from a distance, of course, and he knew of her promotion to chounin — they’d placed her on the team with Chouji and Ino to replace Shikamaru, all three of them gaining chounin status in their next round.
In his efforts to avoid the reminder of his most recent mistake, he’d missed Sakura’s full progress. She’s made leaps and bounds without the distraction of her crush, and bloomed under Tsunade’s tutelage.
Her temper is sharper than ever, it seems, but she now has the force to back it up.
He’s never seen anyone grow up, so he’s not really sure what he’d been expecting.
He’s proud of his genin, even though he doesn’t think he can quite call them that any more. In a strange way, he’s proud of all three, each managing to be trained by one of the Sannin, and under their own power. Though Sasuke may have chosen a different path, it will still take him the same way.
Even without seeing Sasuke, Kakashi feels as though he knows what he would be like, now. He can see, in the spaces between Naruto and Sakura’s attacks the fourth member of Team 7. He can see Sasuke throwing any additional clones than Naruto may have created towards the enemy-nin to hide Sakura’s devastating strength, and using those two layers as a distraction.
Even after three years with minimal contact with each other, and none with the third member of their group, there’s still space between their steps, pauses in their speech, and hesitations in their attacks that only Sasuke could fill.
After three years with minimal contact, Sakura and Naruto work in near-perfect synchronisation. He looks forward to the time when Sasuke joins them, and the three of them, together, become legends.
He wants to see how they remake the world.