Chapter 7
Every week, on either a Thursday or Saturday--when he has his days off--Baki takes Gaara to the plant sanctuary.
He’s not quite sure when it becomes a routine to pick up his usually melancholy student and bring him to the old greenhouse, but it does, and Baki notices the usually quiet and withdrawn boy open up just the tiniest bit when they walk through the doors. He asks questions and engages, picking up different plants and examining them carefully. Baki watches Gaara talk and engage so completely in his surroundings when he’s in here that before he knows it he brings him every week, and lets him pick out a plant for him to bring home.
It’s helping, he thinks, having Gaara nurture and tend to something. It takes the child’s mind off of everything, and Baki can’t helping thinking he needs that.
Gaara’s room is now speckled with plants, mostly cacti, though there is one plant that is large and leafy, leaves spilling out of its pot.
Baki said that one will need a bigger pot soon, and next weekend he promised to come over and show Gaara how to do it.
Temari and Kankuro watch their usually quiet and depressed little brother leave with their teacher on those mornings, and they see a slightly perkier, livelier Gaara come back, clutching a small pot of whatever plant he’s picked out that Baki said he could take home. He spends the rest of those days teaching Temari about them, and she watches Gaara chatter about the species and how he’s been told to care for it.
~~~~~~
Enrolling to go on missions with the regular troops is just as hard as Gaara's figured it would be.
He's nervous, though he won't say a word about it to either of his siblings who obviously worry about him and how he'll fare away from them, alone. Gaara puts in his application about two days before he's called to the council's meeting room and questioned. His siblings and Baki insist on waiting outside the room and he itches to get back to them, to flee this uncomfortable feeling and the looks they give him, desperate to get back to the comfortable warmth and understanding of the people who don't look at him with hatred or fear.
He keeps his answers to one word responses, and he doesn’t look any of them in the eye, not wanting to see the suspicion that he knows is there, but by the end they hesitantly approve his application, granted he passes the test. He supposes any chance to use him as a tool, they'll take it. He's not too surprised, really. But anyway, he's on his way to where he feels he can start being someone useful to his village, and not as a monster either.
He flees the room and finds he doesn’t remember half of the meeting at all, but he’s happy to be out of there, and with a clear goal in mind.
~~~~~~
He and Naruto exchange letters over the course of those few weeks, and while Gaara doesn't tell him about what he's up to at first, he eventually does. Naruto always asks what he's doing, and Gaara didn't really answer in the first few letters, unsure of what to say or just simply thinking it's not interesting enough to even include at all. Reading about Naruto's adventures are vastly entertaining though, and Gaara's chest gets warm in that same way it does whenever Kankuro and Temari smile at him or whenever Baki tells him he did a good job during training whenever he receives a new letter from his friend.
His first friend.
Gaara keeps them all in the desk in his room, tied together with string so they stay neat and in order. Sometimes when Gaara is bored or lonely at night he rereads them, curled up under his window in the dark.
~~~~~~~
Hey Gaara!
We just came back from the Land of Lightning! It was awesome, all their buildings are so tall. When I’m Hokage I’ll take you there! They have this ice cream you’ve gotta try! It’s not too sweet so I know you’ll like it. I’m learning how to make my Rasengan bigger, and I can’t wait to show you! Pervy Sage is annoying as usual, but he finally paid me back all the money he stole from me, which is cool. I wonder where he got the money from though. I wish you were here this old man is going to drive me crazy.
P.S-And I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but did your handwriting get better? It’s neater than mine! Not fair! I thought we had another thing in common!
Naruto
Gaara refolds the letter and puts it in the desk before he pulls out his own paper and starting a response.
Hello, I’m glad you’re doing well. And yes, I have to get better at reading and writing before I can go on missions with the regular troops, so Temari and Kankuro have been helping me. I didn’t get to go to school like other children, so It’s quite hard to catch up, especially this late. I think I’m managing though.
And yes, we should definitely travel together one day, I would like that.
Regards,
Gaara
It’s not a very long response, but he doesn’t have much to say. He prefers listening to others talk than sharing about himself anyway, and it’s not like they take long to get responses from each other, so shorter ones seem okay too, in Gaara’s opinion. Naruto won’t mind, the other boy knows he’s quiet.
~~~~~
The next weekend he and Baki sit in the middle of the deck behind the Kazekage mansion with their new pot and gardening supplies set out in front of them.
Baki shows him how to prep the new pot and how to carefully dig the plant out of the old one. The man shows him first, and then lets Gaara try, instructing him the entire time. By the time the hour passes they’ve repotted the plant and added more soil and nutrients so it’ll continue to grow.
“There you go.” Baki tells him, “You’re a natural.”
Gaara tries not to show happy he is about the praise and keeps his face expressionless as he asks, “Why did you bring me to the plant sanctuary the first time?”
“You didn’t really have a hobby. I thought you needed a distraction.” then he adds, “Something fun.”
Gaara nods, looking at the newly potted plant.
“Thank you.”
“No problem at all.”
~~~~~~~~
Temari is in the kitchen when Gaara comes back inside for something to drink.
“Oh, how’s the gardening going?” she asks, pouring a cup of water for him and then herself.
“Fine. It’s in a new pot now. It looks better.”
“Good!”
Gaara moves to reach out his hand to her.
“Oh no way, you’re not hugging me with your dirt hands.” Temari says, dodging him. He moves to follow her, and Baki walks into the kitchen to find two of his students running around the kitchen, Temari shrieking every time Gaara gets close.
Gaara holds onto his sister’s middle with an iron grip as she screeches, trying to pry her little brother off of her. By the time she succeeds her shirt is a mess of dirt and wrinkles.
In retaliation she ruffles his hair, not stopping even when he ducks away from her. She finally leaves him be when his hair is sticking up in all directions.
When Kankuro wanders into the kitchen to see what the noise is about, Gaara goes after him next.
~~~~
Hey Gaara,
You’re not doing missions with Kankuro and Temari anymore? Why? Did something happen? Won’t the regular troops be kinda...lonely? Please answer soon, I’m kinda worried.
Naruto.
Gaara rereads the short letter and frowns. Naruto doesn’t sound like himself. Gaara wonders if he’s alright.
Everything is fine with my siblings and myself, I just think I have to get to know other people as well. It’ll be lonely, and I know they won’t like working with me, but I think this is something I have to do to forge bonds with my village. I want to be a part of it.
Are you well? Your last letter was uncharacteristically short.
Gaara
~~~~~
Gaara spends the next two days worrying about Naruto. Has he run into trouble? Is he alright? He’s heard of Jiraiya, but he knows little about him. When the next letter comes he sighs in relief, happy to have gotten one at all. That means Naruto is alive, at least.
Hi Gaara,
Yeah I’m fine, I’m worried about YOU! That sounds dangerous, and you might have problems with the other shinobi! Are you sure? I get wanting bonds and I'm happy you're trying, but I just want you to be okay. I don’t wanna nag or anything but yeah! Just be careful okay?
Whoa. Now I sound like Iruka-sensei.
Naruto
Gaara rereads the letter like he always does, and he notices the worry woven into Naruto’s scribbles.
Naruto,
I’ll try to be careful, but you are never too careful yourself, so I’ll have to ask the same. At least for the remainder of your journey. Where are you going next? I enjoy hearing about your adventures.
Gaara
~~~~~
He figured whatever relative peace he had wouldn’t last. He’d been kept so busy hardly noticed Shukaku was so quiet for so long.
Gaara has a screaming breakdown in the middle of the kitchen.
When it passes he has fingernail shaped scars on his arms, and his sand is half curled over him like a cacoon. It doesn’t come any closer though, and Gaara realizes it’s because he’d been suppressing it throughout his entire breakdown. Once he lets go he wills it back into his gourd upstairs. Kankuro trembles next to him, clearly terrified.
That doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that even so, he stayed.
“Kankuro,” Gaara says slowly, “Did I hurt you?”
Gaara’s stomach twists itself in knots.
His older brother shakes his head, trembling.
Gaara sighs in relief, slumping slightly. He brings his hand to the scar on his forehead, digging his fingers in. His sand bristles in its gourd, but it doesn’t get any closer to him.
“Are you alright?” Gaara asks, eyes clenched shut. A migraine begins building behind his eyes. He grimaces.
Kankuro sighs and yanks Gaara’s hand from his head, stopping any more damage he would do to himself.
“I should be asking you that.” he says, taking hold of Gaara’s arms, “It’s good you’re getting better with your shield, but I don’t think I like this whole you repressing it thing.”
“Sometimes it’s helpful.”
“And sometimes it lets you do this to yourself.” Kankuro counters, gesturing to his crescent-marked, bloody arms.
“It’ll heal by tonight.”
Kankuro sighs, “Not the point, squirt.”
Gaara makes his usual face at the nickname. Kankuro chuckles.
“C’mon, you got a headache, right? Let’s get you some painkillers and bandages. Can you walk?”
“Yeah.”
~~~~~~
Gaara tells Naruto about his episode in the kitchen in his next letter, and he isn't sure why, he just assumes he maybe needs to talk to someone who isn't his siblings about it. Or something. Gaara isn't sure. He's still no good at reading his own emotions. He's still trying to come to grips with the fact that he has them at all.
And Naruto is someone who understands how easy it is to lose control of a tailed beast. This is something he can only talk to Naruto about, and he finds he doesn't want to hear what he knows his siblings would say if he tried to talk to them about this.
They'd say he isn't to blame, and Kankuro will insist that he wasn't hurt so there was no harm done. Gaara doesn't want to be absolved, he finds. He just wants someone to understand what that feels like.
How it feels to be afraid if yourself, and afraid of the demon you've been saddled with against your will.
He gets a response that's quicker than the others, and Gaara is surprised that not even a day later he has a letter in his hand.
Naruto's handwriting is messy and he can tell the blond rushed as he wrote it, probably eager to get a response as soon as possible. Naruto frets for the first half of the letter, asking whether Gaara is okay, and by the end Gaara knows that Naruto has lost control and attacked his sensei himself, and understands his guilt.
A few of their letters are about those two incidents in particular, and Naruto tells him that he understands how he feels. He doesn't try to say Gaara didn't mean it or that he wasn't to blame because he knows Gaara already knows that, as deep down and buried under self-hatred and disgust as it may be. Naruto just shares his own experience and tells Gaara that he isn't alone.
After all these years, Gaara has someone who understands.
That's more important than he can say.
~~~~~~~
Gaara fills up the watering can Baki gave him, turns off the faucet and returns to his room, where Temari leans over his window sill, examining the three cacti there.
“They all have flowers now!” she says, and he nods, handing her the can.
“Would you like to water them?"
She grins, “Sure!”
He crosses his arms on the ledge and leans his head on them, watching Temari. When she’s done she puts the can down on the small desk by the window and looks them over, making sure they all got enough attention.
“There.” she exhales, “Done. Kankuro’s making dinner, anything in particular you want?”
Gaara shakes his head, “No, thank you for helping me with the plants. I'm going to help Kankuro with dinner.”
Temari looks at him for a moment before she steps forward, gathers her little brother close and kisses his forehead.
“I’m proud of you.” she says, and then she’s gone.
~~~~~~~
Gaara is told he’s required to go on a group mission with this years applicants for the troops. He’ll be gone for a week, and the premise of the mission will be given to him when he gets there.
It’s S-rank, though. Meant to weed out the weak, no doubt.
The same night Baki explains how high stakes and dangerous the mission is, both Kankuro and Temari shift uncomfortably, looking at each other in worry.
"Gaara...are you sure?" Temari asks. Gaara nods.
He doubts that he'll have much trouble, but he guesses he shouldn't be surprised they're concerned about his safety. He worries about his siblings too, all the time. Baki as well. It's new and strange and a bit uncomfortable, letting them in like this and having bonds strong enough to even feel for them how he does, and to...love all three of them as much as he does.
Gaara figures that's just what family is. He's had to learn a lot of hard lessons, but this is certainly one of the more comforting ones.