Chapter 4
Gaara spends all that night thinking about what Temari told him about their mother. He replays the conversation over and over, and he turns Temari's words over in his mind.
"She always liked father's red hair. Yours is even redder. I'm sure she liked yours too."
Gaara reaches a hand up and brushes his fingers lightly across his bangs, eyes far away.
"Do you think so?"
Temari nods. Gaara sits with that for a moment.
"Do you think she'd like me?", he asks a moment later. It's a question he's always had, and he's almost afraid of the answer.
Turns out he needn't have worried.
Temari looks at him, surprised, "Of course, she'd love you. She does love you, wherever she is."
The night passes quickly for the first time in a long, long time.
~~~~~
They're going to start missions again soon. Baki tells them when they're all gathered in the common area of the Kazekage mansion one night. Kankuro shrugs, continuing to mess with the puppet arm he's tinkering with while Temari dozes on the couch.
Gaara sits cross-legged on the floor, blinking at their leader.
Missions. He can't avoid it, no matter how risky it'll be on active duty while trying to repress Shukaku. Things will only get more complicated from here on in, and he isn't really looking forward to it, but he's a shinobi.
He has to endure.
~~~~~
The appointment is quicker than Gaara thought it would be. The doctor is an old, kind-looking man that Gaara has never seen before, even when he used to chance wandering around the village.
Then again, people did tend to stay away from him, so there are probaly quite a few people he's never seen simply because they've probably run when they saw him coming.
But this old man doesn't seem to look at Gaara with any contempt, fear or anger, and instead asks him why he looks so grumpy as soon as he sees him. The man smiles at him and extends one worn, wrinkled and leathery hand, telling him that he has nothing to worry about.
Gaara doesn't know what to say, so he stares and says nothing. The man just chuckles at him.
Afterwards he gives Temari a scroll full of information about Gaara's current health status, and Gaara himself refrains from grimacing (though only barely), because now she has a list of things wrong with him and she'll fuss like never before. And get Kankuro in on it too. As much of a pleasant change it is to let his siblings care about him he's not looking forward to the nagging he knows he'll endure.
He doesn't cringe, but he shoots the doctor a withering look.
A lot of the examination couldn't be done the usual way, what with Gaara's sand, but with a bit of ninjutsu, some maneuvering and creativity the physician gets around it. It takes longer and is mostly trial and error, and by the end Gaara is a bit emotionally and socially exhausted from the interaction alone, but it gets done and he supposes that that counts as a success in the end.
Gaara is 12, 54 inches tall, underweight, and apparently suffering from high blood pressure from the combinations of ongoing strain, stress, anxiety, psychosis and what they think is probably depression. Thanks to Shukaku he heals a bit faster than most, but he's still a walking time bomb more or less. If he keeps going like he has been, with the strain of losing control wearing on his body, soon the damage will be irreparable. The doctor goes on but Gaara stops listening when the doctor continues on.
The list of things wrong with him is almost comically long in his opinion. He didn't expect much better though, really.
He's also small for his age (though Gaara doesn't believe that really, since Uzumaki and the Uchiha were about the same size as him, but then again they are all orphans who had no one taking care of them for years while not knowing how to take care of themselves, so maybe that isn't the best comparison, so he doesn't say anything), apparently. Gaara tries to remember how big Temari and Kankuro were at his age. He can't remember.
He's not surprised his body is a wreck, but he'd rather not hear about it. He has enough to think about.
Gaara sits on the floor and covers his ears, staring at the wall until Kankuro taps his shoulder and tells him they've finished speaking and it's time to leave.
He ignores his siblings' stricken and worried expressions.
~~~~
After that, both Temari and Kankuro refuse to leave him alone. Gaara supposes the doctor's visit scared them, and he suffers through more meals in a day than he's used to, composed of foods he doesn't particularly like, but they both insist on. How is he supposed to go on missions again when his stomach hurts all the time?
"No tea." Temari tells him, putting a cup down in front of him, "Water."
Gaara opens his mouth to protest but is cut off by Kankuro shaking his head and giving him a stern look, "Nope, no arguing."
Gaara sighs, looking down at the assortment of greens and heavy starch on his plate. He's still full from breakfast--which was also more food than Gaara is used to eating in a week, courtesy of Kankuro--and he feels like he might be sick even looking at more of it.
His siblings sit down across from him and monitor his meals now, oftentimes eating themselves as well so he doesn't flee, and Gaara is fine with that, he likes their company, but he still feels a bit like a bug under a microscope.
When left to his own devices, he usually eats about once a day (if that) and it's usually something small like tea and some bread he grabs or something like that. He's not used to so much food so frequently.
He tries to get through the meal, he really does, but he ends up throwing up before he even finishes. Temari rubs at his back as he retches into the toilet and Kankuro swears, running to grab him a cup of water.
It all culminates in him laying in bed, curled on his side with his sister running her hands through his hair and his brother on his other side, snoring lightly.
His stomach aches and he feels sick, but he guesses it doesn't end too badly. It's not so bad if they're both here with him.
How can it be?
~~~~
Gaara escapes his siblings one morning and flees into the main district of the village.
He knows he's been reckless before he even lays eyes on anyone, but he's already here and he knows if he goes back his siblings will fuss. He decides to just face the villagers. He'll have to eventually, and he finds himself feeling a bit trapped in their corner of the Kage mansion anyway.
Gaara walks, avoiding the suspicious and scared eyes that land on him and stare. He ignores the whispers. How they move away from him. How streets clear when they see him coming. At least no one screams at him this time.
A ball rolls towards his feet. Gaara freezes.
It's not like this hasn't happened before. Gaara almost wants to ignore the toy and walk away. He knows exactly what'll happen if he picks it up and tries to offer it back to the children playing with it. They'll yell at him and reject him. Gaara knows how this goes, he's been through it before. He should just walk away.
He should just--
Gaara picks up the ball and holds it out towards the small boy who eyes it. Gaara tries.
And that little boy simply looks at him, smiles shyly and runs up to take the ball from Gaara's hand with a rushed and breathless 'thank you' before he runs off to play again.
Gaara stands like that for a long moment, hands still outstretched. He...wasn't expecting that.
But then again...That boy was about four at most? He couldn't possibly know who Gaara was and what he's done. Maybe the older people will look at him like a monster, but these smaller kids...they wouldn't. They may hear stories, and be told not to look in his direction, but he isn't a monster to them. More like a nebulous existence that they hear rumors about, but they hold no resentment for him personally.
Maybe there's a way he can do this after all.
Gaara finally unfreezes and heads back to his siblings.
~~~~
He considers telling them about the interaction during dinner but he decides against it. He would prefer to listen to Temari and Kankuro bicker.
~~~~
Gaara wonders how long Shukaku has been planning this attack. How long he's been planning to hoard all his rage just to throw it in Gaara's face as revenge for ignoring and suppressing him.
Gaara has a panic attack while on the roof the next afternoon, and he finds himself hunched over and throwing up again (after the elaborately large and nutritious breakfast Kankuro managed to make for him) before he can process what's happening. Shukaku isn't even screaming any intelligable words, the demon just shrieks and thrashes. He doesn't try to take Gaara over, but the demon just seems content to push every negative emotion at Gaara at once, and it not only catches him off guard but makes his entire being capsize in panic and grief.
Suddenly everything seems pitch black and he can't see much less breathe. He struggles for air.
He can't do this. It's too hard, and maybe Gaara isn't really strong at all. There are times when Shukaku is screaming and telling him to rip everyone apart and no one is there to help. Not like anyone would if they were there. They'd probably run away, and with good reason.
Gaara is alone. He has to deal with this himself. He has to deal with this age-old demon by himself. He's less alone than he was, but he is still so horrifyingly lonely he can hardly breathe sometimes.
It hurts. Shukaku tears at his brain.
It hurts.
Naruto has those bonds. Gaara doesn't.
How is he supposed to do this if everything is working against him? People sneer at him or look at him with such fear, anger and disgust that he feels Shukaku clawing at his psyche, begging to be let out as soon as Gaara starts to feel the beginning pangs of that bone-deep sadness realized by his throat closing and something like bile rising into his throat. He feels the rage start to build before he can stop it. Gaara tenses until it hurts. He can't lose control.
He won't. He won't hurt anyone. Not anymore.
He rarely cries anymore, but that pressure behind his eyes is always there, and he isn't sure how to get rid of it.
Or if he even can.
In the end the hysteria passes, Shukaku is sufficiently ignored for the time being and Gaara stands, shaking but upright. He shoves those thoughts away and tries to focus on action. If he is going to do this he can't think himself out of it. In his mind, theoretically, anything could happen, but if he actually does something there's a chance things can change. His thoughts are influenced by his own experiences. His own life. He can't fully trust them.
But actions? He can trust those. He can do something.
He can't be in this much pain anymore. He won't let this go on.
~~~
Gaara asks Baki about training later that day. It had been a task to even find the man, seeing as while he and his siblings are on leave the elders keep Baki busy with missions and such, but he does find him and the man looks surprised to see him before he even hears his question. Gaara needs to stay busy. Being idle will be his downfall, he's sure.
As stand-offish as Baki is, Gaara can never really remember the man looking at Gaara any differently than he looks at anyone else.
Baki seems to always look like he's sucking on a lemon. Maybe that's why Gaara doesn't mind him.
Which is most likely why he'd been asked to lead their team in the first place, though.
Gaara has never given it much thought because well, before what did he care?
The man agrees.
They start training again in two days.
~~~~~
On the same day they've arranged to go see their father's grave, Kankuro ends up having to calm Gaara down from a panic attack so strong it makes him dizzy and breathless, lungs working overtime to get air into them while his mind, brain, soul and body all panic. Kankuro will admit that he's not great at this, but he does his best. Temari is across the village, and as terrified as Kankuro is he doesn't intend to just leave Gaara gasping in his bedroom alone. He takes his little brother by the shoulders and tries to talk to him, tell him it's okay and that he's not alone. That his big brother is there. That he won't leave.
Gaara starts screaming eventually, clutching at his hair and digging his nails into his arms, blackened eyes clenched shut.
Kankuro knows Gaara is fighting off Shukaku, and he's terrified to be so close (if that thing comes out he's dead. Very, very dead) but he bites down the bile and fear and stays. This is Gaara fighting for control of his own mind right in front of him. He can't leave him. He has no one else. Who else could help him?
Kankuro's sure the isolation alone that Gaara has faced would drive him mad too. No wonder his little brother is having such a hard time.
He's afraid for him. What kind of chaos is going on in his baby brother's head? Kankuro is forced to hold Gaara like a vice while the other boy thrashes and kicks.
Gaara calms down eventually, thanking Kankuro then disappearing.
~~~~~
Later that day Kankuro bitterly kicks a rock at their father's grave. The stone is wide, detailing the man's accomplishments and the middle child grumbles, folding his arms.
Temari just stares at it with a frown. And Gaara mysteriously disappeared when they prepared to go, like he always does.
Kankuro doesn't blame him. He doesn't even know why he himself is here.
Temari looks at him in a silent question when Kankuro makes another displeased sound.
"What?" he grumbles, "Temari, why do we even still come here? It's not like he even liked us. Why honor him by even bothering with...this?"
Temari's lips thin in thought. Something like sadness crosses her face. Kankuro's fists clench.
"He was an abusive ass. He hurt Gaara, and he hurt us too." Kankuro fumes,
"He claimed to love Mom but he made her seal a demon in her youngest son. He fucked with Gaara's brain for experiments. He tortured him and tore his brain apart, and then had the nerve to be pissy when Gaara couldn't handle it. He made me fear my little brother. He tore us apart when that's the last thing Mom ever wanted. He was hardly even around. I hate him. And you should too."
They're silent for a moment. Temari agrees.
He knows she does. And he knows she's furious at their father, just like he is.
"I'm not coming here again unless it's to kick this fuckin' stone in half."
He turns and walks away.
After a moment, Temari leaves too. She doesn't look back at the headstone.
~~~~
At the end of training Baki looks at Gaara closely for a long moment before he says, "What happened to you?"
Gaara shrugs, thanks him and leaves.