venom, tea. wood
Kakashi leaves his Pups genin. He goes to Sarutobi. He's alone... Gods, he misses Sensei…
" So ... I need a.... thing, I don't think you'll like it, but it is necessary...Considering the Academy mishaps"
"What do you want?" Sarutobi asks tiredly while he shuffles through paperwork, looking as if he'd give Kakashi anything if the man will just leave.
"Ten- Yamato, Mitarashi, and Umino."
"Why?"
"As you know -"
"Don't talk to me about that."
"Well, If have to start with the basics, like basic basics, i need help..."
"Yamato is on leave and technically gets back in a week and you may have him for the following three. If you can drag Mitarashi out of whatever bar she’s drinking in, she’s yours... And you get Umino if you take that fucking hat yourself Kakashi..." He gestures to the Hokage robes.
Kakashi sighs and pulls out what Sensei and Jiraiya-sama called 'the bribery pouch’. "Even for this?"
"Is that-"
"Yes."
"Don’t play with me, Hatake-kun " Sarutobi’s teeth flash, the summons of the Hokages choice coloring his behavior.
"Unlike Jiraiya-sama, I don't believe in playing games with people like that."
"Gimme that and you can have Yamato as long as you like..."
"I'll take My kohai for three weeks and three weeks with Umino."
"No tobacco is worth giving up Iruka-kun."
"Not even," he pulls a bottle, the porcelain a musty Senju Green." for Senju’s sake -- aged Senju’s sake?"
"How did-"
"It was my father's." Kakashi pushes down a flinch.
Sarutobi looks longingly at the alcohol, his vices haunting him. Kakashi raises an eyebrow. His Hokage looks like he wants to kill Kakashi more than usual.
"Take him." Sarutobi gives, like he did in Naruto’s case, Kakashi grins and hops out the ‘Jounin Window’. " Use the DOOR, Hatake! "
Kakashi smiles to himself. He loves making Sarutobi mad.
-~~-
Sasuke looks at his team. Sakura is shivering. It’s not cold but she ‘diets’, so she might actually be cold (dumb, stupid), and Naruto is talking about his ramen place (boring weirdo). If Kakashi-Sensei wants them all to bond or whatever then maybe… maybe the Uchiha compound. He “ hnn’s ” at them. Thankfully they understand and follow him without question, thank fucking Ameratsu.
-~~-
As Kakashi walks to Mitarashi Anko's favorite bar, formerly Uchiwa's, now known as ‘Jounins’ Shithole.’ He thinks about mitasahi Anko’s reactions. About how Mitarashi would compare him to her old teacher, asking him if he was going to abandon them, and Konoha, as the Sannin did to her. She would ask him if he planned to leave them in ruin and blood, unrealizing that the Hatake Clan, like the Inuzuka, were a pack oriented Clan. That whe- If, if those kids died on the battlefield it be very much very literally over Kakashi’s corpse? That the only thing Kakashi and Orochimaru had in common were being geniuses? That Kakashi never could betray Konoha and Gai and now his pups. That’s right they were His Pups and they would be his legacy long after Kakashi was returned to earth
He stops and instead waves the bartender down.
“Please send... Anko, a full bottle of Senju vinegar.” the bartender looks at him. “Yes, inform her that it was me.” The bartender makes a face, eyes widening in fear. He gets the Senju vinegar and pours it in a sake cup, hands shaking, and sets it in front of the woman as directed, pointing at Kakashi afterward. She takes it like one would take a shot of plum wine and winces before downing the whole drink and stalks up to him.
“What the hell, Hatake?” She asks, her face red from drunkenness and anger. She swings a punch, he ducks, she hits the Chuunin behind him instead. The Chuunin falls onto his friend. The Chuunin’s friend decks Anko and Kakashi calls out a loud and bright “ Bar fight! ” and drags an unconscious Anko from the bar as it only metaphorically explodes, effectively dodging the eruption of punches and items thrown about the bar by drunk and bored shinobi.
He heads to Anko’s apartment… dragging her along.
-~~-
Sakura doesn’t go home for three days. Haruno Nagai stands in the doorway. Sakura bows. As she should. She’s now a branch member.
“Nagai-sama it is a hon-”
“Where, Hodokoshi, have you been?”
“Thinking over how to best better myself for the honorable clan.”
“Who are your teammates?” Sakura freezes in fear. Nagai-sama’s going to slaughter her…
-~~-
Anko Is puking over her toilet.
“ Soooo, like alcohol… not fun?.”
“Shut the fuck up, baby genin.”
“I am three years older than you. Anko.” He runs his hand down his face.
“New assignment!” He sparkles sarcastically… He’s spending too much time with Gai.
“Aren’t you on Jounin rotation?”
“I need assistance.”
“I didn’t realize kids were so hard for the great...”
“Mizuki; you know Iruka’s old friend, was a traitor for Oro-”
“ Don’t say that name .”
“Sorry.” There’s a moment of silence.
Anko drags a shaky hand over her pale face. Her former sensei, a curse on her reputation… The only stain on it. Anko hates very few things in life but traitors are among the worst of her hated things.
“Anyways I got a trap specialist in the making; he needs help.” Anko eyes Kakashi.
“A real traps specialist? Like-?”
“Worse a potential Frontline Traps”
“Fuck, another one?”
“Yep, one Uzumaki Naruto…” He braces himself for ‘demon’ opinions.
“Oh yeah, he’s funky lil dude!” Anko nods too hard and ends up puking… again…
He hadn’t expected the ‘funky lil’ comment but in all, it made sense as Anko and Naruto both faced isolation and revulsion from the civilian populations. And frankly, she had laughed at all of his pranks. So he guessed it made sense, Oh Chidori what has he done… Gai, help.
Kohona’s going to be a hellscape from those too. Fuck. two extremely loud trap specialists and one village, that has no love for either.
~-~-~-~
He always eats the noodles too hot. He heals faster than it hurts. He now looks over his rooftop garden, the greenery bringing a sense of peace to his soul. Unbeknownst to him, his garden was envied by younger gardeners, and respected by elders: Hashirama-sama’s spirit lives in that greenery, so vivid, so bright. The Garden protects the gardener; Hashirama knew that and thus did it live in his soul.
~-~-~-~
He sighs. Anko on board even if his worse thoughts brings up how Umino would think he was going to ruin them for the sake of ruination. That Kakashi ruined them out of ‘hatred’ for Naruto; out of ‘resentment’ for Sasuke, and out of ‘negligence’ for Sakura. His parental instincts run amuck. Clan Umino had strong instincts as well, but theirs were more suited to the isles and the sea. Umino made certain each and every child in his classes was protected as such. When they died he went to their funerals and made sure the teammates were okay. Umino was good and protective despite only being Chuunin, despite only wanting to go that far. He wouldn't think that Kakashi had a purpose, not to ruin them, but to make them into shinobi. Umino, himself had been put through the paces by Kushina-nee. Umino was a sabotage specialist; he should know what Kakashi was attempting. The only teams with higher mortality rates than sabotage were front liners. And Team Seven were Frontliners. Iruka was the last of Team Kushina: did he want Sasuke or Naruto or Sakura to share his fate? Alone. Trapped in the village and his reputation near-forgotten? Or worse, did he want them to share Kakashi’s fate? Umino Iruka… who, rightfully, hates him. Something about also sabotaging his other potential student’s careers or whatever. By the way, he always cared about his students… his trainees. Now he just had to convince Iruka-san of that.
“Please hear me out.” Kakashi says this after shushining into Iruka’s office.
“...more? ”
“Anyway, Sasuke needs some-” he tries to find the words. How to put it... he needs a calming force, someone with a brain, a known strategist…. “-assistance.” He goes with the truth.”Sarutobi wants them as a sabotage combat team, full frontliners.”
“Sandaime-sama?” Iruka's voice is different. Iruka invokes fear. Kushina-nii Grade Fear. He does as he was taught when going against the Uzumaki princess, he puts his hands up and walks backward s l o w l y . No admitting to the fear.
“Y-yes.”
“I see.”
“Please teach him strategy and I don't know… that weird competence thing you have Sarutobi Going Ga-Ga for. Also weren’t you Genin with Shisui and Ita-”
“We don’t talk about him.” Iruka's voice is ice. “But I’ll help him, provided Naruto and Sakura get similar help.”
“I got Anko for Naruto?” Kakashi’s trying . He’s trying so very hard. But People and Iruka's new - at least for him - fear-inspiring factor has him internally shaking, has him charging up the inherent static of the electricity clinging to his chakra.
“Are you asking or telling me?”
“I’m telling you Umino-san.”
“Wonderful.” Iruka clearly does not find this wonderful at all. “I will see him tomorrow then.”
“Yes Umino-san.”
Iruka gets up from his desk, walking past Kakashi, turning around partially toward Kakashi. “Did you update your will? Also, what about Sakura? Please, Ocean please , tell me you won’t personally be responsible for her. Because she will have another anxiety attack.” Iruka fully turns to hear this.
“My kohai gets Haruno. What do you mean an anxiety attack?”
“Call her Sakura, she gets anxious when called Haruno.” Iruka states. “In fact, no last names for any of them, ever. Sakura has anxiety, and potentially other issues” Iruka thinks, he thinks hard. “Wait what Kohai? Aren’t you F-”
“His name is Yamato and he’ll be good for her.” He hates the name friend-killer Kakashi.
~-~-~-~
Gai loves kakashi. He just wishes Kakashi had self-preservation, that the genius wasn’t going to be emotional- Is that?
Kakashi is crying again. Gai looks him over. No sparking, no hint of thunder.. Just overwhelmed. Gai can handle ‘is overwhelmed’. He flares his Chakra for Kakashi before picking him up. Kakashi clings. He takes Kakashi back to his apartment. This team would make or break his love… And by the gods above, below, and internally, he prayed that Kakashi wouldn’t strike this time… wouldn’t finally break in a way Gai couldn’t help put back together.
~-~-~-~
Yamoto comes home earlier than planned that day. He’s growing a Hashirama tree.
“So you wanna help your senpai with his most important mission?”
“Senpai?”
“Yes Kohai?” Kakashi smiles. The Hashirama wriggles worryingly. Yamato doesn’t know what the game is, this time. “I need help. I passed a team.”
Yamoto’s mouth drops. “You what?”
“Three Genin.” Two fingers curled into his palm. “I got Matarashi, and Umino for the other two.”
Nodding, Yamoto puts his hand out for the file. Kakashi hands him the file of Sakura.
The Hashirama wilt, and Yamoto’s attention is solely on Sakura’s file.
“This is your new… friend.”
Yammoto reads the file, and not even 10 seconds in. “Is Haruno-san emotionally stable enough for this career path, senpai? “
“Nope! <3”
Yamoto’s mouth drops. “Won’t she be a threat to the team?!”
Kakashi looked at him. About to say something cruel and demissive before remembering: Yamoto was raised by ROOT which, despite the emphasis on hyper loyalty, surprisingly expects a little emotional health from its operatives. So he breaks this gently to his adorable Kohai “Kohai, you don’t need to be all mentally stable; look at ANBU, look at me. I got the mental stability of a drunken snake, actually that's offensive to the drunk snake.” Yamoto looks at him worriedly. “It’s fine, Sakura-chan needs to be able to take orders and not die!” After saying that is the perfect time to shushin out and cry in his and Gai’s apartment.