Hiraeth

Gaara returned home early that morning from Sasuke’s house, sliding out of the other boy’s embrace and slipping out of the Uchiha manor into the dim early morning light.

It was quiet, both outside his head and inside it. Not that you can tell the difference, he chided himself, but ignored his own thoughts. It had always been easier to disregard his own thoughts than on the occasions where they were someone else’s. He often felt that some of his thoughts weren’t actually his, like someone else was using his brain as a holding place for their own.

Shukaku was a different matter completely, and speaking of...

’Fantastic Gaara. Really fantastic’The familiar voice said to him, and Gaara sighed heavily.

“Was really hoping you wouldn’t talk about it,” He said, looking behind him as he walked, the familiar feeling of paranoia curling in his chest. He could feel eyes on him already.

‘Fine, fine. Kankuro’s probably still asleep, lazy fucker,’ Gaara snickered at that and hummed in agreement.

“Yeah...”

He walked in silence, the quiet returning to him but the peace remaining unattainable. He quickened his pace, lowering his head and subconsciously letting his fingers reach his upper arm and begin picking.

Just as he felt like his head was about to explode, just as he felt he was about to be attacked, Shukaku’s voice brought him to a halt. ‘We’re here.’

Gaara looked up, realizing that indeed they were at his house and that he would’ve just walked past it had Shukaku not stopped him. He murmured a quick thanks before he moved to open the door and froze, finding it locked

Oh fuck.

He didn’t have a key, had never been given a key, and now would have to wait outside until Kankuro woke up which probably wouldn’t be until hours from now.

Hitting his head against the door frame he groaned, because great, now not only did he have to sit outside for god knows how long, now he had to do it with a splitting headache. He turned around and slid down the wall until he was resting on the steps, fingers beginning to fidget, twisting his knuckles with the opposite hand and picking at the scabbed over skin.

He continued like this for at least ten minutes, breaths growing increasingly harsher and faster as he felt his paranoia closing in on him, wishing to just be inside and somewhat safe when a familiar voice rang through his thoughts.

“Hey.”

He startled, head jerking up and shoulders relaxing when he realized it was only Temari. “Hey,” He replied, looking over his shoulder quickly before focusing back on his sister who frowned slightly.

“What’re you looking for?” She asked, already knowing the answer. Gaara just shrugged, eyes darting from side to side frantically before focusing on the ground.

She sighed, extending a hand down to her twitchy brother who regarded it carefully before taking it, allowing himself to be pulled up. She smiled fondly down at him and Gaara rolled his eyes. She was only a couple of inches taller than him yet she acted like it was a foot. She ruffled his hair for as long as Gaara would let her before she dropped her hand back to her side.

“What’re you doing outside?”

“Locked out,” he muttered, clutching his upper arm with a hand. Temari pursed her lips but said nothing, instead moving to unlock the door and push it open. “Right. Go on,” She said, gesturing for the boy to head in.

Gaara nodded his thanks to her, grabbing his book bag up off the ground and walking inside.

“Gaara,” Temari called out to him as he neared the stairs. “Come talk to me in the kitchen for a little.”

He opened his mouth to object and normally he would’ve ignored her and gone up to the attic anyways. He closed his mouth and nodded stiffly, not missing her surprised expression at his agreement.

——-

“So, how’s school? Made any friends?” She asked, sitting at the counter while Gaara cooked breakfast. The boy stilled before shrugging, pouring more sugar over the frying pan.

“I think so,” He said evenly. The silence that followed made him square his shoulders, tone biting as he continued. “Why? Does that surprise you? Didn’t think anyone would like me?”

“No!” she exclaimed, offense clouding her features before softening. “Of course that’s not what I meant. I was just-”

“Just what?”

“Just happy, okay?” She huffed and rolled her eyes, laying her head in her arms on the counter. “So happy I didn’t know what to say.” Gaara felt his posture relax and he nodded, guilt washing over him.

“Oh.”

She nodded and hummed as Gaara turned to face her, placing a plate of french toast in front of her. She thanked him, cutting into her toast before pausing. “How’s the... everything? Voices and delusions and all that?”

Gaara dropped the plate he was holding, the white ceramic shattering as it hit the ground. Temari flinched. “Hey look, that was tasteless of me but I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine,” His deadly quiet voice interrupted her. “Everything’s fine, and I don’t have ‘delusions,’ that’s actually bullshit and you know it.”

Her silence was enough to set him off, for him to grab the plate nearest him and send it flying towards her head. She let out a yelp and ducked just in time, the plate hitting the wall behind her and smashing into countless pieces. Gaara seethed, hands clenching and unclenching as he grit his teeth, glaring holes into the floor. He registered Temari’s head reappear above the counter and felt a heavy sense of remorse hit him at the slightly frightened expression on her face, turning on his heel and bolting towards the stairs.

She didn’t follow.

——-

Gaara emerged from the attic a few hours later, heading downstairs in an uncharacteristic attempt to apologize to Temari for his freakout when he heard hushed voices coming from the living room. He silently crept closer until he was just outside the room, pressed beside the doorway, and listened.

“Listen, I don’t know what to tell you.” A deep voice said, Kankuro’s, and he heard a frustrated sigh in reply.

“He’s getting worse, Kankuro, okay? He had another outburst and I caught him talking to himself again this morning,” He heard Temari say, and his eyes narrowed. He wasn’t talking to himself, he had been talking to Shukaku.

“Look, it concerns me too and it sucks but I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

“I don’t know, maybe use your ‘connections’ to get the medicines he needs? Can’t you do that at least?”

There was a beat of silence before Kankuro sighed. “I don’t even know what to get.”

“Latuda? Lithium? Both?” She whispered and Gaara heard her groan softly. “I looked it up and those seem appropriate.”

“How do you expect me to pay for them?”

“I’ll cover it. I’ve been working extra shifts at the company lately so I probably can-”

“I’m not crazy,” Gaara said lowly, stepping into the room. Temari jumped while Kankuro stiffened, both looking at their little brother warily.

“Gaara! No one said you were, we just-”

“I don’t need any meds,” He muttered, nails digging into the palms of his hands. “I’m not sick.”

Kankuro sniffed, rolling his eyes. “What you need is to calm down. You know, I actually have a few things on me right now-”

“You are not giving our little brother drugs, Kankuro!” Temari hissed at him, slapping his shoulder before turning to Gaara and smiling placatingly. “Gaara, we-”

“You were just trying to get him to give me drugs,” Gaara said, raising his head to stare coldly at his sister. “Why is this any different?”

“Because these are ones that can help you-”

“I don’t need any fucking help, okay?!” He yelled, shocking her into silence. Kankuro narrowed his eyes and took a step towards him, mouth opening as if to berate the younger boy before Gaara slammed his fist into the wall beside him, feeling rage burn up his insides as his knuckles punctured through the drywall.

Kankuro and Temari stared at him in shock for a moment as his chest heaved and he pulled his hand away from the hole.

“You brat! The hell am I supposed to tell dad-”

“Kankuro!”

Gaara cradled his hand against his chest, realizing numbly that now both of his hands were bruised. At least the other one had healed considerably but he could tell this one was much worse. He let out a hoarse whimper and Temari turned towards him.

“Oh, Gaara, did you-”

He nodded, and in a moment of weakness showed her his swelling hand. She came forward slowly and examined it gently, tsking as she took in the damage. “One of his knuckles might be broken.”

Kankuro cursed, squeezing his eyes shut. “What do we do? We can’t take him to a hospital, dad would never pay for it.”

Temari bit her lip as Gaara realized he didn’t even care that what Kankuro said was true. He just listened in on their conversation as though he was an outsider.

“Well, the hospital wouldn’t have been able to do much for this anyways. Just get me some ice, gauze, and medical tape for now.”

——-

Gaara entered the school building an hour late that day, hand throbbing and covered in mess of gauze and tape that extended down to his wrist to keep it secure. Temari had concluded that most likely two of his knuckles were fractured, if not completely broken, given him several advils, and sent him off to school. He twitched his nose and waited in the office until the bell rang and signaled the end of first period, nodding at the nice office lady who had offered him a mint (he declined, you could never be too careful with what people might have put in food), and mused that maybe the reason he started cooking his own food was because of that one time his father had tried to poison him.

He kept his head down as he walked through the crowded hallway, eyes flickering left and right until he caught sight of Sasuke. He lifted his head, opening his mouth to call out a greeting when he stopped. Sasuke had his hand clasped around his boyfriend’s and was laughing at something the blond had said, flicking him lightly on the forehead. Gaara shut his mouth and bit down on the pad of his thumb, turning away from the scene and continuing to his next class, a feeling of emptiness encompassing him.

——-

He should have expected this. He should have expected going to the bathroom during a break between bells after he had a class with Kiba would have ended this way.

He had just been washing his hands, turning off the faucet and raising his head when shit, he looked in the mirror in front of him and met eyes with Sasuke’s boyfriend, Naruto.

“Sup?” He heard the blond say to him, voice level but teeming with irritation. Gaara didn’t reply, wiping his hands on his jeans and turning to leave when a hand slammed against the wall next to him, Naruto caging him against the wall. The blond boy scowled at him, and Gaara realized with annoyance that although the boy was short, he was still taller than him.

“I asked you a question,” Naruto said, and if Gaara cared at all he would have noticed that the other really didn’t seem like he wanted to be there. Gaara slid his eyes over the blond’s shoulder and caught sight of Kiba standing near the doorway, effectively blocking his exit. Gaara sighed and shrugged before speaking. “Nothing much.”

“Yeah? Fuck any guys recently?” He heard Kiba ask and his eyes widened.

“What?”

“Yeah, you’ve got Lee wrapped around your little finger don’t you?” Kiba bit out. “Don’t know why he’d want to hang around you anyways.”

Gaara opened his mouth to speak, to tell them that no Lee didn’t actually like him and why the fuck did they care anyways, when Naruto spoke.

“I- I don’t know who you think you are, but leave Sasuke alone!”

The redhead was silent for a moment, looking at the blond boy incredulously before beginning to laugh loudly. Naruto looked back at Kiba in confusion, but the other boy looked just as lost as he did. Neither of them knew what to say as the small boy wiped a tear out of his eye, situation seeming so absurd it just couldn’t be real.

“Okay,” he wheezed out, shaking his head in mirth. “Okay, I get it, I get it, can I leave now?” He placed his unbroken hand on Naruto’s shoulder, who let out a strangled yelp before pushing it away with enough force to accidentally push Gaara to the ground.

“What the fuck? What the fuck are you laughing about, huh?!” Kiba asked while Gaara’s head hit the wall with a sickening crack. Gaara barely even registered the pain, it probably wasn’t real anyways.

“Shut up!” He heard Kiba say, and suddenly the kicks to his stomach increased, both in intensity and quantity. He felt himself curling into a ball as he attempted to wake up out of this, the kicks moving to his healing ribs.

His senses returned to him and suddenly everything was all too real as he heard the bathroom door slam open and heard a familiar voice.

“What the hell are you doing?”