The Queen that wasn't

Some days, the bad days, Shikaku wanted nothing more than to strangle his comrades to death. Just to spare nature the trouble to do the deed herself, since there was no way such idiots would last long in this cruel, merciless circus. In the mean time he might as well finally get some peace and quiet, and spared himself another foolish lecture on how 'cool' being a shinobi was.

The shinobi life wasn't cool, and it wasn't awesome. It was death, and loss and murder and sacrifice and puking and spreading guts in the mud like bitches for the sake of the village. Most of all, it was short.

Shikaku could understand civilians would get confused about the real nature of their future job. That was what the propaganda was about after all. But even children from clans, who should have known better, let themselves caught in the hype of jutsu and awesome moves and 'let's save a princess or two' missions.

Hikari, however. Hikari, despite having being isolated into a golden cocoon her entire life, despite growing up with the knowledge she shall never become a kunoichi, got it. She understood perfectly that being promoted to Chuunin in wartime meant nothing good. Unlike genins, chuunins were considered big enough to serve as cannon folders. Even precious clan heirs like Shikane.

"Ah, your big sister? The one who came here trying to bust your 'girlfriend'," the Senju mused out loud. "Chunnin so soon..."

"She's a pain in my ass, but if she gets herself killed I'll have to be clan head in her stead..."

"You're allowed to express worry for your sister's wellbeing, Shikaku-san," she frowned at him, which combined to the annoyingly formal 'Skikaku-san' meant she was pissed at him. "No one is going to take away your man card."

"Whatever," he avoided her insistant glare to focus on the slow motion of clouds drifting in the sky, unbothered and carefree. They, at least, never judged him on his emotional constipation issues. "What's gotten you so tense anyway, my queen?"

Hikari usually behaved like a ball of cheerfulness and positive thinking against the adversity, especially when confronted to Shikaku's pessimistic attitude. But today not even Daiki's antics could win a smile from her. It was surpringly...upsetting.

"Ah, how high your opinion is of me! Isn't war a reason good enough not to feel like celebrating?" she laughed bitterly without answering the question.

Shikaku shruggled. If she didn't feel like telling him, he didn't mind waiting. He would find out eventually if it was important, he always did. "Sure."

After a few minutes of awkward silence, she leant down on the grass with him. Her leg against his, her thumb running on his arm and a waterfall of gold on green. He pointed out a slug-shaped cloud casually sliding over their head, leaving a trail of morve-like vapor in its passage. She gratified his efforts with a tiny smile.

His patience got rewarded when Hikari eventually mumbled: "Hog is gone."

Hedghog was an operative ANBU, and ANBU just didn't left. "...gone?"

"Hm," she nodded along. "Called back to active duty for the war effort."

Shikaku hadn't realized the kunoichi hadn't been in active duty before, but he supposed internationnal open conflict got precedence over watching one civilian girl. No matter the potential danger the girl presented for herself and for others. "And Owl?"

"Still here. Lurking over there," Hikari gestured towards the trees. "He's been with me forever, you know. Don't know what I would do without his constant nagging."

He could relate. He wouldn't know what to do without Shikane on his back either. His mocking, pushing, poking, caring hellion of a sister.

Shikaku hoped this nonsense would be over soon. He hoped the other side didn't have Shikanes and Owls and Hikaris to be lost too.

.

.

Graduation day passed without a hitch, and before Shikaku knew it he found himself with a brand new hitai-ate, two teammates to worry about and a jonnin-sensei to nag him about his lazy habits.

"And here I hoped to get at last one pretty girl in my team! You guys ruin everything!" Inoichi whined, putting his head on his hands dramatically.

"Girls are troublesome," Shikaku reminded his friend while Chouza patted his blond head comfortingly. "Don't worry about it Inoichi, you're pretty enough for the rest of us!"

Shikaku gave an admirative glance to the beaming redhead. People never gave the Akimichi enough credit, because this guy sure had hidden depth of trolling wrapped in that friendly smile. Hikari and Chouza would get along like a house on fire.

"Not what I meant, Chou," Inoichi screeched, his ponytail wingling furiously on his back. "But accurate, I guess."

"Oh, I'm sorry if I disappoint you, Yamanaka-kun," a feminine voice interrupted Inoichi's pity party.

Shikaku blinked to the newcomer, and his brain went all "err' for a second. The woman standing in their empty classroom could only be qualified of stunning, objectively speaking. Rich brown tresses falling on her back, round-shaped eyes the color of honey, pouty pink lips over umblemished olive skin. She was wearing a frankly outrageous skirt and a meshed shirt under her jonnin vest who seemed to have for only purpose to put her enormous rack in display.

In one word: unrealistic. What kind of jonnin had skin like that? Also, how was she supposed to fight with her mile worth of breast?

"Hello everyone," the jonnin calmy introduced herself when the three boys failed to reply. "Please forgive me for my tardiness, I'm your Jonnin-sensei, Sarutobi Yuuki. You may call me Yuuki-sensei."

That, finally, had the merit to jerk the newly-appointed genin out of their hot chick-induced trance.

"Hi sensei," Inoichi greeted her with a dazzled grin meanwhile Chouza mumbled "no trouble at all" to Yuuki-sensei's feet. Which, by the way, where clad into pink sandals.

Pink. What the hell.

"Well, why don't you guys introduce yourself, hum?" she flashed her lashes at her students, and Shikaku just snapped.

"Hey, Yuuki-sensei, you mind showing us some ID?" he drawled, smiling apathically. "Since Matsuda-sensei isn't there to confirm your identity..."

The jonnin blinked at him, and then barked a laugh to Inoichi's scandalized expression. "You're a sharp one, aintcha? Sure, have a look."

Shikaku grasped the id she handed over without further ado. All the three gasped at the picture of the terrifying looking man on the card. With another laugh, 'Yuuki-sensei' puffed away to let place to a bull-shaped shinobi, all facial scars and bulging muscles, not a single feature likely to be qualified of pretty in sight.

"Nice instinct, Nara. What ticked you off?" the jonnin nodded at him with minor approval.

Inoichi gasped at their sensei with an incredibly fetching expression of betrayal. You could almost taste the salt of crushing disappointment in his teary eyes. For his part, Chouza had withdrawn himself from the traumatic situation under a neutral face. Yuuki-sensei was clearly feeding off their despair, despite his polite expression. Shikaku had spent enough time with his mother to recognize hidden sadism when he was the victim of it.

"Looked to good to be true," Shikaku shruggled. "The bonnet F was a bit too much."

"Yes, that was the point. You're the son of Masato, right?" the man who had be his father's cousin to some degree glanced at him thoughfully.

"Yep." Shikaku drawled, turning his head towards the window longingly. As if a jonnin of Sarutobi's skills wouldn't already know that.

"Interesting. Let's start over, then. My name is Sarutobi Yuuki. I specialize in tracking and retravial. You're the second gennin team I've been asked to teach. As of now, I'm not very impressed. You two failed to see the oblivious," their lovely sensei glared at Inoichi and Choza before turning towards a yawning Shikaku, "and you called out on the bluff a potential ennemy without any intelligence of his actual strenght, and chose not to try to alert your fellow Konoha-nin or even to warn your teammates. In resume, in a real life situation, you'd be all dead and the village unaware of the danger."

Harsh. Shikaku squeezed the spark of anger at the merciless analysis (he, at least, had noticed the bluff, there were gennin for a grand total of two hours, they were ten years old, for fuck's sake...) and beared it stoically. Inoichi, thankfully, stayed silent as well.

"Let me be clear to you. This is not a game, and being a child is not a option for you anymore. We are at war, and as long as you keep this hitai-ate on your forehead, you are a soldier. If you can't handle it, then give up. There is no shame in that, even for clan-born brats like you."

None of them said a word to take the opportunity offered. All clans had members who chose the civilian life despite their upbringing. There was, as Yuuki-sensei pointed out, no shame in that, officially at least. But Choza was his Clan's heir, and Inoichi yearned to prove himself to his family. And Shikaku? Honestly, the shinobi life was a drag but he could not conceive to choose another path. If his family or friends died while he should have been there to help, he would never forgive himself.

Yuuki-sensei took their silence as a sign of endorsement. "Great. For now on, we are Team Four."

.

.

Back when she was still a wee ninja with an untouched hitae-ate on her arm, Shikane had spent countless hours complaining about the D-rank missions she had to go through with her 'braindead teammates'. Looked like genins at war times had other priorities, since Shikaku hadn't had to weed a single garden or chase around demonic pets. He had however bitten the dust enough times to differenciate the soil from various Training grounds from taste alone, because Yuuki-sensei was a sadistic bastard who enjoyed trashing his students to the pulp. For their education.

"If you're not suffering, you're not learning," their beloved teacher had declared with that dishearting still face of his after Inoichi had complained about his bruises having bruises of their own.

"He's the worst," Shikaku sighed in conclusion. "He could at least pretend to like us. Isn't that what professors are supposed to do?"

"Uh-hu," Hikari nodded along non-commitally. "So you like him."

What. Shikaku rolled over on his left side so he could sent an unimpressed glare to her without rising up. He ignored the pulsing pain on his leg at the sudden movement, a gift from Yuuki-sensei's thorough lessons. "Did you even listen to a single word of what I said?"

"Of course! I always listen to you!" his younger friend had the gall to glow contently at him. "You said Yuuki-sensei was a realistic, thorough, dedicated teacher..."

"I said he was a workholic hell-driver of a demon, what's wrong with your hearing."

"But also unbiaised, observant and attentive..." Hikari kept counting on her fingers his teacher's imaginative qualities.

"Yeah, so he can make every day our very own customized nightmare..."

"So, in one word...competent!" Hikari clapped her hands theatrically. "Stop lying. You. Like. Him."

"I changed my mind, you're the worst," Shikaku grumbled as he rolled back on the ground.

"Sure. I know you need to express your manly angst, so I'll let you think you had the last word."

"The worst," he turned his head to the right so she wouldn't be able to see the telling tug on his lips.

Hikari snorted without replying. Shikaku fell back on his usual cloud-glazing habit. He could almost forget about the chaos of the rest of world when they were like this. Shikaku, Hikari, the clouds, and a herd of amorous deers drooling on her lap. Also, one or two ANBU sulking in the woods. With this quiet atmosphere lightened up by Hikari's teasing smile, Shikaku's brain felt like it could slow down a bit from its usual furious race over time.

"Aren't you bored?" he mumbled out of nowhere.

Sometimes, he forgot how young Hikari actually was. Only seven years old. Shikaku knew thirteen years old who couldn't stand to stay still for two seconds. And Hikari wasn't like Shikaku, born dead inside with a longing for the tranquility of the last breath. The Senju child burned of a flame stronger than anyone he knew, civilian or not. Tainted people like Shikaku were not friends with people like Hikari unless the later had no other choices. He knew better than to assume they would have been so close if she had been born without her anomaly.

Granted, she did have close to zero interaction with other children, but surely she couldn't be satisfied listening to him complain and do nothing.

"Hm?" the blond perked up at the noise. "You said something?"

"Nothing," Shikaku grumbled, embarrassed. "I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere else."

"Eeeeeh! Seriously? You always complain about what a pain it is to walk here!" Hikari gasped with sincere shock. He wasn't that bad, alright. "And now you want to do stuff?"

"Nevermind. Just thought you might be bored or something, but whatever," Shikaku said in completely non-sulky way.

"Aaaw, you were worried! That's so sweet!" Hikari giggled delightfully before leaping straight over his stomach, like the devious beast she was.

"Get off me you weirdo," he hissed under the chukling mass of a devil. Old hare Noriko gratified the pile of human children with a sneez of supreme condescension.

"Okay!" Hikari finally removed herself from his heavely injured person. "Where are we going? Oooh, I know, let's go on top of Nidaime-sama's head, the view is just great!"

How, exactly, would she knew that? Here Shikaku had thought she had outgrown her game of losing her ANBU to wander around the village. It was all fun and giggles until she got herself killed by an overzealous shinobi. Sometimes Shikaku simply forgot that Hikari existed outside the Nara forest. Outside of him. That behind the sunny and golden reflection laid another Hikari, one than Shikaku could barely scrap the surface of. A Hikari shadows had no claim to, and so neither did he.

"Oh, stop making that face," her enthustiam barely deflated in front of his brooding frown. "I promise no one ever see me! I'm sneaky like a true ninja!"

"I remember," Shikaku made the wise choice not to fight with her on the matter. Men should know how to pick which battles were worth risking the warth of women for. "How about we go to my house instead?"

Hikari stopped mid-ranting, her eyes widening with emotion. "Really?" she whispered with a small voice. Too small, barely audible at all. Hikari's voice had no been made for the unassuming tone of demure women.

And now Shikaku felt like dirt for not inviting her sooner. He should have known what it would meant for her to go to her friend's house. Like she was a normal kid.

"Yeah," he avoided looking to closely at her hopeful smile, embarrassed as he grabbed her hand. "Let's go."

He kept on expecting Owl to come snatch his wandering princess away, but the ANBU remained out of the sight. Anyway, it should be fine. The Head Clan House stood at the edge of the forest, and with Shikane and his father gone (at war, blood on their hands and screams all over their mouth), no one lived there nowadays aside from Shikaku and the occasionnal ghost of his mother. He barely got to see her, busy as she was organizing the best ways to slaughter people with minimal cost for Konoha. And when he did see her, she wasn't quite there anyway.

"Oh," Hikari breathed when they caught sight of his house. "It's nice."

"I guess," Shikaku sat down on the porch and removed his sandals.

Hikari did the same, freeing her stocked feet from her small boots. She had strange fashion senses, refusing to go anywhere without tights or pants covering her legs, regardless of the weather. Likewise, she favored covered shoes to the usual sandals. 'I don't go around flashing my toes, mister of loose virtue' the Senju had snorted haughtily when he had called out on her odd whims.

She was so freaking weird, he thought fondly.

"Please come in," Shikaku opened the door for her. To the surprise of his teachers, his mother did managed to pour some manners in her only son.

"Thanks for having me," Hikari replied with a glowing smile.

"It's not as big as your house," Shikaku put his hands in pockets, slouching against the couch while his friend explored the house with those curious eyes of hers, flickering as they tried to commit everything to memory at once.

"Ah, but it's such a nice home!" she counterracted with a florish. "Yosh, let's do it!"

"Do what," Shikaku frowned warily.

She replied by sliding straight into him with a delighted giggle. "Sock-sliding of course! Catch me if you can, Nara!"

And the golden hellion took off, sliding happily over the wood with her stocked feet, barely avoiding crashing into the library. "Hey, come back here!"

After fifteen minutes of demented chase through his house, Shikaku had won one bruise on his knee, a broken tea set to hide from his mother and the dubvious pleasure of removing a splinter from Hikari's foot.

He couldn't remember the last time he had fun like that.

.

.

Uzushio had fallen.

The words pourred over Konoha like a cloud of acid in an already bitter forest. Shikaku didn't truly understand what it meant until the few refugees who managed to escape the attack arrived in Konoha. Sun-kissed strangers with bright hair stumbling beneath the giant entrance doors. Worn out clothes over worn out hearts, their eyes either empty with choc, or full of ressentment.

Uzushio had come to Konoha's aid in a war they didn't believe in, and now Uzushio was dead, its last members reduced to begging. Shikaku couldn't even begin to imagine the depth of their despair.

And with them, Shikane. Her and her team had been sent as renfort to Uzushio, only to come back with a few dozens of traumatized allies. Minus a teammate.

"Hatori took an kunai in the head trying to protect me," his sister explained with forced detachment as she quietly sat down. "Tamaki hurt his arm but at least he lived."

Shikane was never quiet. She raged and laughed and pestered loudly, perpetually pushing the world to aknowledge her presence. It was a drag, but that was how Shikane was. Now she was quiet. Still as the shadows Nara covered themselves into, their shallows arms spread all over her neck, her eyes, her voice.

"It was terrible, Kaku," she whispered to her tea, her hands steady and her eyes devoid of their usual fire. "The sound of a city burning down. The smell of flesh burnt to a crisp. All those people, trapped inside..."

Shikane had turned fifteen two weeks ago, and already her bright, brilliant, terrible mind conspired against her. When she didn't cried herself to sleep, she screamed. She cut her hair off, those brown tresses she had always been so proud of because long hair were a liability and blood a pain to remove from it. She flinched at the smallest noise, ready to lash out at the mere glimpse of a threat. She stared often at her scarred hands, as if she couldn't recognize them anymore.

He knew the symptoms. To save herself and the life of her comrads, the Nara heir had had no other choice than to step in too far inside the darkness. And so, leaking through the cracks, the shadows had made their realm out of her misery.

"They always talk about blood on hands," Shikane mumbled to herself, having forgotten about Shikaku at her side. "But the worst is gut. It smells awful too."

No one was truly suited for war, but some people coped better than others. And his sister wasn't one of those people.

(Shikaku would be though. As sneaky as his father, as ruthless as his mother. The kind of monster hiding in the darkness and feeding of weaknesses parents warned their children about.

He didn't care much about ruining his hands with gut and blood.)

Shikane left for Amegakure a week later. The shadows followed.

.

.

The hand stopped mid-air, a wooden pawn tangling from sly fingers.

"Ah," Hikari squinted at the board thoughfully. "I already lost, didn't I?"

She had, two moves ago. And if Shikaku had wished to end their game sooner, she would have fifteen minutes ago. He had spent so much time loosing to his mother he had almost forgotten the feeling of being in control of the game.

"Hehe, I guess I'm not very good after all," she grinned sheepishly, unbothered by her loss.

Just as she had predicted when Shikaku had set the shogi board between them, Hikari had no talent to the game. Not that she was stupid, but she had no patience nor a tactical mind. A straightforward, honest mind who prefered jumping in the fray to devious approaches.

In the surface at least.

"Are you sure you have never played before?" Shikaku frowned at the board.

"Yes? You just spent half an hour explaining the rules to me, remember?" Hikari blinked. "Why?"

"Another tactical game then?" he insisted.

Something dark flashed throught his friend's eyes. She shruggled it off quickly. "I've watched Takada-san play Go a few times, but I haven't played myself."

Clearly, Hikari had been a beginner at shogi, and her strategy pretty unsubtle. But sometimes during their game, she had used...odd moves. Strange patterns Shikaku hadn't predicated at all, that fit neither the mindset of a novice nor of a consumed player.

As if she had been playing to another game entirely. A game similar enough to stimulate regular patterns of thought, but different in the end.

"Just a feeling," Shikaku shruggled. "Another game?"

She groaned. "Please no. Have some mercy, would you?"

He smirk at her long-suffering pout. "Yeah, yeah. I'll make some tea."

"Make it a bucket for me," his guest shouted unecessarily at him as he dragged himself to the kitchen. "I need to drink for forget my defeat!"

"What do you put in your tea, idiot?" Shikaku chuckled to himself.

He quite liked to process of preparing the breverage. Shikane loathed the stiffening tradiction of the tea ceremony, but himself found peace in the predictability.

Hikari had been staring at the forest when he put a steaming cup in front of her. Probably thinking over whatever had been bothering her all evening. "Ah, thanks Shika-kun. You make quite the lovely housewife."

"Shut your mouth and drink your damn tea," he grumbled without any real bite, slouching on the other side of the table.

She took a sip of her steaming tea, humming a noise of appreciation. "Hey Shikaku..."

"What."

Her eyes narrowed in. Shikaku had the feeling the following conversation would not be pleasant. "You've been working harder lately, haven't you?"

"I guess," he drawled, staring at ceiling impassively. "You're the one saying I should take training more seriously."

"Don't take me for an idiot, if you please. That's not I meant, and you know it."

No, of course not. She wasn't talking about the extra-session on taijutsu Shikaku had submitted himself to, of the hours spent perfecting his aim or of the genjutsu Yuuki-sensei persisted in trying to trick him into.

Hikari spoke of the darkness he was learning to dance with when his mother wasn't home to lecture him, of the shadows he was taming under his will. Or maybe they were taming him, who could tell?

In theory, the shadow technics of the Nara Clan could be taught to anyone with enough chakra. It required no bloodline, only chakra control and strenght of will. Over the years many had tried to copy their technics and failed, their mind lost to the darkness. That was the thing with bending shadows, you couldn't use them without being used yourself, without loosing little pieces of yourself in the process. A transaction at its most primitive form, harsh and unforgiving. Others might have learnt their lessons and stayed away from their demons, but not Naras. Because, at the end of the day, what terrified them enthralled their sharp, foolish souls twice as much.

And so Naras had learned to live on the edge of the abyss, close enough to touch and mend the void with their mind, but far enough not get eaten by it. They knew the abyss wouldn't be content to simply stare back. It would swallow you at the slightest occasion. If you were lucky, it might spit back a drooling mess to lock up in a asylum.

Which was why teaching of the shadow technics were strictly regulated. No children of the clan were allowed to train their shadow binding jutsu on their own, without proper supervision. Even adults avoided playing with the darkness alone. You never knew when you might need help pulling yourself out of the void. Their close alliance with a mind-reading clan was no mere coincidence.

But with the war raging, and his mother too busy to supervise him, Shikaku didn't have the luxury to be careful. He needed to get stronger, and he needed it now.

"How do you know?" he eventually asked, before the oblivious hit him. "Eh. I get it. Has my chakra changed so much?"

"A bit," she sighed. "Shika-kun, what are you doing to yourself?"

What did it felt like now for her? Tainted? Corrupted? Rotten? Shikaku certainly felt like it these days. But his uselessness to his family and his village disgusted him more than learning how strangle a man or pierce through his heart with a flick of his hand ever would. The shadows did not scared him enough anymore, not even his own.

Watching his sister fall into insanity did.

"I've just been focusing on the Clan's technics lately," Shikaku shruggled it off, aware Hikari wouldn't be fooled by his flippancy. "I'm planning to try for the Chuunin exam next month."

"What?" she gasped, her rosy cheeks paling into a bony white. "So soon? Why?"

It wasn't that soon. Shikaku had been a genin for more than a year already. But jonin-sensei tried to keep their genins out of the exams as much as possible. Especially the precious clans' children as the Ino-shika-cho infamous combo. Getting promoted meant being send to the front, a fresh batch of wide-eyed rookies to be used as cannon folder.

"I'm useless as I am," he stared impassively. "I need to become stronger."

"By getting yourself killed..!"

"I'm not expecting you to understand," his mouth kept going on autopilot. Biting and snarling like a cornered beast. "Civilian."

The slap should not have taken him by surprise. Shikaku had been training to become a killer since his first steps. His sadistic teacher enjoyed nothing more than beating the crap of his students. His very own name was tainted with the stench of their world. By now, violence might as well be his second language. He should have seen it coming.

His head jerked to the side with the blunt of the slap. His cheek burnt, both from the hit and the shame. It hurt like a bitch.

(a part of him, the same who admired Yuuki-sensei's special brand of pedagogy, swooned with pride. The little pest had used her nails.)

"You think I don't know what it's like to feel useless and helpless when the people you love are fighting for their life? How dare you? Look at me Shikaku!"

He blinked at his agressor. Hikari was practically shaking with cold, frightening rage. The friendly blue of her eyes had frozen into sharp metal. He had never seen her like that. A shiver ran through his spine. Surprise, shock, shame, anger, all wrapped into one, with a spark of interest.

(oh hello, fellow predator. I hadn't seen you there. You look like you would use my skin as a carpet, and I'm kind of liking it.)

"You think that's what Shikane-san wants? Or your parents?" the verbal slaughtering kept on going and going, merciless and unwavering. "You looks like you're dead on your feet!"

Of course she would notice. Shikaku wrapped his bruised ankles under tape, hid his twitching fingers with large sleeves and burried the dark circles beneath his exhausted eyes under Shikane's concealer. His teacher hadn't spared him more than a neutral glance, and if his teammates had noted any changes they had made no mention of it to him.

"You're not going to help anyone like this," Hikari shook her head. Her anger had morphed into resignation. And resignation was worse. At least when she screamed at him, he knew she cared. "I'm not watching you destroy yourself. I cannot."

She climbed on her feet. Stared at Shikaku, waiting for him to say something, anything. He couldn't. The shadows got his tongue. And his limbs and his heart and his brain, woven inside chakra trails like voracious vines.

Hikari left. In her absence, the light wavered. And the abyss grinned a mouth full of terrifying nothing.

.

.

After...After. Shikaku wasn't too sure about after. His thoughts scattered radomly like chakra on a battlefild. His mind kept itself functional enough thanks to sheer stubborness, but only barely. He walked inside a confusing maze full of hazy dreams and dying wildfires, without the comforting warmth of his light to guid him home.

He wasn't sure how many days passed before his mother finally went home. He wasn't sure of anything that happened between the moment Hikari left and the moment Shikako walked back into his life.

His mother stepped inside the kitchen, took one tired glance at Shikaku and the scrolls spread on the floor around him, and she knew. Her mouth, already weighted down at the corners, froze into a cutting line of fury. Her grey eyes stormed with a cold anger Shikaku, from his eleven years of existance, couldn't even begin to understand.

"You stupid, foolish boy," she clamped her fists so hard her nails burried themselves in her flesh. Despite the very real danger he had gotten himself into, Shikaku couldn't stray his eyes from the cressents of red carved inside his mother's palms. "Fucking ANBU was fucking right. Training. Now."

The shadows nested behind his temples shuddered in anticipation. From fear or thrill, he had no clue.

"Training," Shikaky blinked, confused. He looked at the windows. The sky had long been swallowed by the night.

"You heard me. Now," she gritted her teeth before storming out in their courtyard without bothering to check wether or not he intented to follow.

The Head of Nara Clan had spoken, and so he had to obey. Shikaku made a valiant attempt to gather both his thoughts and limbs into order. The shadows fought him all steps of the way, throbbing feverishly at the end of his numb fingers and skirting at the edge of his hazy mind. Bitches, all of them.

"You look pathetic," his mother coldly assessed over his shaking tremors, his glassy iris and the grey patches festering on his skin.

"Shuddup," Shikaku weakly bit back. "You don't..."

He never got to finish his sentence, which was just as well because he had no idea where that thought was headed. His mother lunged to him, kunai in hand and chakra tingling on her hand. Except she wasn't his mother anymore. She was the Head of Nara Clan, and she was furious.

Shadows crept from the ground, from the sky, from her glinting kunai and grim mouth. At night Naras were kings, and Shikako the empress that ruled over the darkness. Shikaku lept to the side, cursing under his breathe his lack of control. A sneaky shade caught of his ankle, and he fell ungracefully on the ground.

"Release them," The Head ordered as her servants covered his body.

"I can't!" he snarled through the pain.

She spoke as if Shikaku was the one holding the shadows. They held him. He had trapped himself into their clutches like the worst kind of idiot. The foolish, narcissic kind.

"Of course you can. You just don't want to."

Shikaku was outright sobbing now, darkness leeking through his tears and moans. He couldn't let go, he couldn't. He needed the shadows. How else was he supposed to save Shikane and his father? It didn't mattered if his body broke at the strain, if his mind shattered and scattered in the wind, if his soul rotted between the careless clutches of the abyss.

This son of the Naras was lazy, cynical and cold-hearted, but he was also loyal.

"Shikaku, my foolish child," the Head shook her head with unexpected softness. "Let it go now."

Shikaku stared at the stricken face of his mother.

He let it go.

.

.

Two days after the whole debacle, Shikaku went back to their spot and waited. Soon enough, a golden light sneaked beneath his eyelid. He opened his eyes to the sight of his friend leaning over him. "Hey."

"Hey," Hikari did not smile. Sterness still didn't suited her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," he said truthfully. "Better."

And he was too. He hadn't realized how much the shadows had weighted on him, body, mind and soul, before he got push them away. They had a way of twisting your thoughts and crushing on your hopes, until you couldn't see anything past them.

"Like an idiot mostly," he added. "You told on me."

'Fucking ANBU', his mother had said. He could only assumed she had meant Owl, and since Owl woudn't dare breathe without his Hikari-sama's permission...

"I did," she admitted easely, without sounding very sorry herself. "And I don't regret it."

Of course she wasn't. And she couldn't be bothered to lie about it like anybody else. What a pain.

"Are you angry?" she tilted her head to the side, with loathsome distance.

Was he? He remembered being, at first, devastingly so. She had abandonned him, and after that she had betrayed him. At that point he had no idea who talked, him or the shades lurking still beneath his dreams.

"Not anymore. Are you?"

"Not anymore. But if you do something like that again I might kill you, moron."

Shikaku wouldn't expect any less. She would have to get in line with his mother though. "'kay."

Hikari fell back on the grass next to him. Her hand found his and he let himself be pet without a protest. Cuddles, insults and murder threats, that was so like her.

"I missed you, idiot," she breathed as her arm sneaked over his belly. Her skin tingled over his, so different from the shadows' hollow embrace.

Not as much as I did, his heart adoringly replied, fluttering under his ribcage with disgusting thrill. Pathetic. "I don't blame you. I'm pretty missable," his mouth smirked instead.

"Asshole," Hikari tried to hide peals of laugher behind her hands. "I take it back, I didn't missed you at all."

That was cute. Naras didn't accepted take backs tough. Once they clutched to something, they never let go. Look at the Ino-Shika-Cho, a Nara had become buddy with a Yamanaka et a Akimichi once centuries ago, and they still hadn't found a way to get away from the Naraness. There was nothing to be done, Hikari was stuck with him now. She should just accept this fact of life and plan accordingly, because Sage knew that was exactly what Shikaku was doing.

On the order of his priorities, there was Saving Shikane and his Dad, Stopping the war and Keeping Hikari by his side forever. Preferably to his side alone. Shikaku had never claimed to anything but a selfish bastard.

"Sorry, we don't accept any take backs," he wiggled his eyebrows. "May we offer you a refill instead dear customer?"

She pinched his arm meanly. Shikaku took that display of violence as a positive answer.

.

.

"So we're doing this eh?" Inoichi tucked his legs under him and leant his elbows over the table. His ponytail shook alongside his head as he sighed in exasparation. "The Chuunin Examen."

Shikaku hadn't said a thing about his intentions yet. Five minutes since his teammates had invited themselve in his home, and they were already dissecting his inner struggles. That was Inoichi for you, spurting dumb nonsense all day, then casually laying out your entire and erronated thought process the next. Even Shikaku tended to forget how smart Inoichi actually was, underneath the veneer of foolish cheerfulness, and he had known him his whole life. Yamanakas had always shaped themselves that way, hidding their sharp mouth, sharp eyes and sharper mind wrapped beneath an outgoing civilan persona.

Shikaku had a real issue with attracting troublesome people who wouldn't let him sulk in his manly pain on his own. Damn blonds who had a knack for reading him like an open book. He was supposed to be a cool and collected type of shinobi not the 'let's talk about your angst' psychological guinea pig.

"Eh. You don't have to if you don't want to," he let himself crumble next to Chouza without offering his uninvited guests refreshments. Those assholes could fetch themselves tea if they wanted to, Shikaku was never moving again.

For oblivious reasons, Chuunin exams at a time of war looked nothing usual exams. In dire need of fresh meat, they were far less picky and teamwork kind of passed to a secondary place. Shikaku could very well present on his own, no one would bat an eye.

"Don't be stupid," Inoichi gave him the most contemptuous glare in his arsenal. "You're useless on your own."

Chouza hummed in agreement as he layed out bento boxes on the table. "Onigiri?" he offered a rice ball to Shikaku, who had all but melt againt the smooth wood.

Shikaku lazily opened his mouth, and that was it, chuunin exams arguments settled. Only left to break the news to Yuuki-sensei. And his mom. And Hikari. Oh joy. He couldn't wait.

"I'm more interested in that obi," Inoichi actually winked as he nodded towards Shikaku's engawa.

The Nara froze when he spotted the bright sash, innocently laying in his floor. Damn Hikari and her weird habits. She always had her legs covered but hated formal clothes with a passion. She usually ended up losing up outer layers when the combined force of Sayori-san and Owl managed to force her into proper wear. Accidentally, she dared to lie with an amused giggle.

"My sister's," Shikaku replied dumbly on the spot and immediately cursed himself. That excuse might have worked with anyone but Inoichi.

"Shikane would never be seen wearing an orange obi," his weird friend dismissed him with a disgusted frown. "Not her color, orange."

"You freak me out when you say stuff like that," the Nara said truthfully as stared at his teammate bemusedly. Those two had a strange love-hate relationship he wouldn't wish to touch with a ten-inched pole.

"Stop trying to change the subject," the Yamanaka narrowed his pupil-less eyes. "I know it's not Shikako-san's either. So spill."

Shikaku's mind walked a thousand miles, searching for a satisfying explanation to throw at Inoichi's smug face. Sage didn't he hated this noisy bastard. He and Shikane were made of the same 'bossy and gossip' cloth. "Fine. It's a friend's."

"A friend's?" Inoichi clasped his hands together delightfully while Chouza blinked curiously. "A friend of the female kind, leaving pieces of her clothing all over the floor? I had no idea who had one of those, you sly dog, you..."

"Oi, she's just a kid," because of course Inoichi's mind would automatically jump straight into the gutter. "And you can't tell anyone about her."

"Oh?" Chouza bit into his rice ball thoughtfully. "You embarrassed?"

"No," Shikaku rolled his eyes. "It's classified."

Shikaku was so dead. Owl was going to kill him, and no one would ever find his remains, just because Hikari couldn't keep her freaking pants together. What a shitty reason to die.

"No way," Inoichi's mouth went slack with incredulity. "You're having us on."

"I wish man," he snorted. Even he wouldn't use shinobi regulations to cover his dirty secrets. He knew better than that.

"Classified classified?" Chouza asked with a concerned frown.

"Worst. If you tattle on me, we might actually get murdered," Shikaku replied frankly. He didn't thought it would come to that, especially clan kids with elite parents like them, but he didn't kow how secret Hikari's existance actually was. No that much, or Shikaku would be long dead and burried.

"Damn..." Inoichi let out a sigh. "Is that you've been hiding for like, years?"

Shikaku silently asked for another onigiri. Chouza gingerly dropped a rice ball in his out-streched arm. Good man. "Maybe."

"She makes you happy," Chouza casually whispered with a serene smile. "Is she a pretty sort of classfied?"

Inoichi snickered at Shikaku's red cheeks. Sage, his friends had no sense of shame. He burried his burning face behind his arms. "She's a freaking pain."

"Whatever you say, lover boy."

.

.

"Good morning, Shika-kun!" Hikari dropped by the chair next to his and helped herself with his breakfast.

Shikaku smacked her wandering hand without looking up from his book, not before she had grasped a cinnamon roll in his plate though. The little pest bit into the pastry she had stolen with a cheeky grin and wiggling eyebrows. Shikaku rose an contemptuous eyebrow at her antics in answer.

Shikane would have skrieked hysterically at the sheer domesticity of the scene. Hikari had really made her nest here lately, dropping by without warning, helping herself with his stuff and invading whatever personal space he had left.

To be honest, Shikaku wished he would feel angry by the intrusion, instead of pathetically relieved from the human proximity.

"Thief."

"You love it," Hikari smiled contently as she pourred herself a cup of tea. "So, I hear congratulations are in order?"

Well, someone worked fast. Shikaku had received his results of the Chuunin Exams only yesterday. Chouza, Inoichi and him had passed with flying colors, naturally. Yuuki-sensei had even made a noise that vaguely sounded like approval, the equivalent of a ringing endorsement for their grumpy teacher.

"I know you're not about happy about this promotion, Hikari," he eventually replied neutrally. "You don't need to lie about it."

"That's unfair, Shika-kun," she leant against the back of the chair, her expression unusually closed off. "It's not the promotion I don't like, it's the consequencies. I want to be glad for you, I really do, but I can't forget you're going to be send to the slaughter."

"I'm a shinobi," he told her softly. "You know that. You've always known that."

"You're twelve, that's what you are."

So what. Shinobi were meant for the slaughter, even twelve years old ones. Twelve wasn't actually that young, compared to some genius kids they gave a headband to, a pat on the head and a licence to kill. But Hikari had strange opinions regarding children and their involvement to their world, opinions Shikaku couldn't really understand. They weren't teaching their kids how to deceive, cheat and kill for the fun of it. Violence was a inherent constant in their world, and if they wanted to survive, they couldn't afford to live in a fluffy reality forever. Children needed to grow up fast, and children at a time of war had to grow up faster.

"I'm not going to be send to the front. Stop making that kicked-puppy face."

Team Yuuki hadn't been dismantled yet, and probably wouldn't be for a while. They would take harder missions, naturally, but would mostly stayed home-based to Konoha. His mother's work, no doubt. Too bad she couldn't afford to pull rank for Shikane too. Shikaku would exchange their places in a heartbit, but she wouldn't hear a word of it.

"Oh," Hikari tried to hide her relief. As if Shikaku could fail to see her glowing with happiness. "That's not what you wanted though."

"Nah, it's fine. I get it." Shikaku shruggled with faint nonchalence. He wouldn't be of any use as he was now. Not sharp enough, not smart enough. Too soft.

(can be fixed, the shadows whispered beneath the mist in his mind, let us in, little one, let us in)

"Anyway, I've got something for you," his friend swiftly changed the subject. "A promotion gift."

"Oh?' Shikaku drawled, genuinely intrigued. He eyed the velvet box she had removed from her pocket with amusement. "You got me jewellry? I'm sorry, I'm too young to get married."

Old enough to kill, too young to get stuck into life-commitment relationships, that was the shinobi motto.

Hikari half-heartedly poked his shoulder. "You're so full of yourself. I'm too good for the likes of you, lazybones."

Too true. Shikaku grabbed the box without answering. Inside lied a silver necklace, made of thin chains and dangling at the end, three pendants. The first represented the head of a lion, the second a tree in full bloom and the third.. two straight lines perpendicular? Weird, so weird.

Unfortunately, as previously stated, Shikaku had a thing for weird stuff. A thing, admitedly, that started and ended with Hikari's special brand of weirdness.

"It's a sort of...talisman?" Hikari bit her lip nervously as she scrutinized his blank face, waiting for his reaction. "You know, to protect you...forget it, it's stupid..."

"Oi, that's mine, back off," Shikaku waved away her hand when she made an attempt to take back her gift. He put her gift around his neck with a defiant smirk. "No take backs, Queenie, I told you."

Inoichi would have a fit, but Shikaku was already perversely enjoying the thought of walking around with Hikari's sigil secretly tucked againt his throat. She didn't get to take that away from him. Beside, he could use the extra-protection, no one would deny that.

"If you like it, you should just say so, meanie," Hikari pouted.

He messed her golden curls with a grin. Only fair with all the times she had ruined his hair for fun.

The necklace burnt nicely against his skin.

.

.

Becoming a Chuunin had yet to spare Shikaku from babysitting duty. And if at war time he still had to watch over his younger cousins, he knew nothing he could do would stop his aunts from dropping their fawn in his lap until he got one of his own.

To be fair eight-years old Ensui hardly required much effort to handle from his part. Most of the time he ignored Shikaku algother to play with his puzzles. Ensui had a thing for puzzles, the same way Shikaku had a thing for shogi. They could spend entire afternoons like this without exchanging a word, both playing around their respective hobby or napping on the floor.

Today was not one those peaceful days.

"Say, Kaku-nii," Ensui rolled over on his belly to stare at his cousin under half-closed eyelids. "Remember when I got lost in the forest?"

Everybody remembered when Ensui, six-years old and a crybaby got lost in the Nara grounds. Shikaku got scolded by his sister even though he wasn't the one supposed to watch over him, and they all had to look for him, until he was found at the edge of the main house two hours later, unhurt and bored. "What about it?"

"I never told anyone about it, 'cause no one would have believed me," Ensui slowly kicked his legs in the air. "But you can keep a secret right Kaku-nii?"

"I guess..." Shikaku honestly had enough secrets on his plate to satisfy his curiosity for a lifetime, yet couldn't find it within himself to reject his introvert cousin when he made a effort to reach for him. "Is it a dangerous secret?"

A pause. Ensui smiled thoughfully. "I'm not sure. I don't think so. So, do you promise to keep my secret?"

"Yeah, yeah, I promise," his back leant against the wooden pillar in a falsely relaxed stance.

"It's a spirit who brought me back home."

Shikaku's only reaction was to blink skeptically. It better not be what he thought it was. Hikari..."A Spirit?"

"A spirit," Ensui nodded, more enthusiastic on the matter that Shikaku had ever saw him. "A tree spirit, I think."

"And what did your spirit looked like?" he asked with mock boredom. Inside he was teething with thrilled anxiety. What had Hikari gotten herself involved with now? Owl was supposed to keep her out of being seen.

"A little girl. In gold and green. That's all I remember. She had a kind smile," his cousin reminced with a glint of happiness in his usually neutral eyes.

Of course Shikaku could see it. The young child, lost and desperate, being guided home by soft-hearted Hikari. And Shikaku himself had thought her a Youkai the first he had laid an eye upon her otherworldly smile. It made sense Ensui would come to that conclusion as well.

"A tree spirit," Sikaku sighed. "Why are you telling this now?"

"You feel different," Ensui replied oddly. "A bit like her. Like... magic? I thought maybe you've met the spirit too?"

What. Shikaku had known this particulary troublesome 'spirit' for years now. He could think of no reason for Ensui to find him changed because Hikari's presence now. Beside, there was no such a thing as magic in that cruel world of theirs. "What if I have?"

His cousin's almond-shaped green eyes grew round with surprise. Shikaku felt a silly shiver of pride for being able to destabilize his already blasé relative. "Oh! I mean, that's...Are you going away, Kaku-nii?"

"Away?" the genuine worry in his cousin's voice caught Shikaku off guard. Not so much in control of this conversation, was he now. "Why would I go away?"

Ensui had a wrinkle over his nose. "Well, Haneko-baa-san says spirits take people away sometimes..."

An amused snort left his throat. What a ridiculous assumption to make, Hikari wasn't more likely to snatch him into her realm of faeries than he was. Life was no fairy tale, and Shikaku would stay right where he had been born.

(but wouldn't it be nice, to be taken away by her, lead out of this sad existence in darkness with his hand in hers)

"I thought you liked this spirit?" he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I do!" Ensui's cheeks colored with self-defense. "But spirits? They are different...they don't see things like we do. They can be dangerous, even unintentionnally."

Different, right. Maybe. "Where did you get all that wisdom from, brat?"

"Well, not from you!"

Shikaku let a smile soften his stark features. "Don't worry, kiddo. I ain't going anywhere until Hogake-sama tells me to."

The necklace burnt longingly against his skin.

.

.

"Finish him Kazuto," the Ame nin ordered his summon with vicious anger.

This mission had been a disaster from the start. They had been ambushed by five high-ranked Ame nin during what was supposed simple refueling duty. Even Yuuki-sensei, most paranoid bastard to ever walk this Earth had been surprised, and in the following commotion, Shikaku had ended up separated from the rest of his team. He had managed to kill one of his opponents, but the kunoichi had dosed him with poison before dying. Fucking Ame and their fucking poisons.

And now Shikaku had to deal with a wounded leg pissing blood, dizziness weighting on his limbs and thoughts and the partner of the bitch he just murdered sending his giant salamander pet to eat him. Great. Just great.

He couldn't die here. He couldn't. He had so much to do. See his dad again and ignore his terrible girl advice, beat his mother to shogi, take his sister away from the darkness eating her and give her something to nag at him for. Make Yuuki-sensei smile at least once, watch clouds drift while eating unhealthy snacks with Chouza, banter endlessly with Inoichi because he was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Uncover the secrets Hikari tucked away under her smiles, smother the hurt away and kept her by his side, always. Or being kept at her side, Shikaku wasn't picky.

But that was everyone at the verge of death thought, didn't they. Not me, not yet, I'm not done with his life.

Shikaku ignored the nausea pulsing on his throat and the blurry stars on his peripherical vision. From his vantage point on his giant salamander's head, his ennemy was as good as unreachable to the Nara's deplated chakra reserves. The shadows grinned, giggled, danced on his fingers, eager for one last thrill. His death or their, it didn't mattered to them as long as the abyss got its due.

"Kazuto!" the Ame snapped at his summon's lack of reaction.

Instead of lunging at him, the salamander eyed with Shikaku with unfanthomable yellow pupils. To his ever lasting surprise, it shook its huge head with regret. "The boy is blessed. I cannot."

It disappeared with a puff, its summoner went "wha.." as he fell on the ground and shadows crept forwards mercilessly at the newfound opportunity. His adversary released his last breathe before Shikaku hit the ground, completely drained.

The necklace burned viciously against his skin.

.

.

Gold shines through his eyelids. Shikaku wakes to a world of green and blue.

The grass is soft under his feet, and the wind leaves kisses over his dry skin. There is a forest set in shades of brown and green, and in the middle of that forest there is a clearing, and in the middle of that clearing there is a lampost. Shikaku has never seen a lampost before in his life, but he knows, as surely as he knows he does not belong here, that this is one.

Up in the sky the sun glowes brightly, yet the light captured in glass shines brighter.

(The light, the light. The shadows retreat beneath his feet, awed.)

"Oh hey," a strange man with strange clothes approaches him. "Hello! Didn't see there!"

Shikaku should be scared, or at least wary. He's not. He feels like he has forgotten what fear is. Somehow, somewhat, he knows this place. It's not his home, but it is.

The man has familiar golden hair, a familiar friendly smile and familiar blue eyes. The way he tilts his head to the side curiously makes Shikaku's heart aches longingly.

"Are you lost?" the man with the crown speaks again.

Shikaku blinks slowly. The words are foreign, yet their meaning comes to his understanding naturally. The unspoken syllabes dances under his tongue, a music he must have heard a long time ago.

This is a dream, he finally notices. Either a dream, or he's dead.

The necklace sparkles against his skin with determination.

"Where did you get that?" the man's smile flickers when he sees the pendants throbbing and glowing on Shikaku's chest. "That's my sis..."

Shikaku blinks again. The gold withdraws from underneath his eyelids. His necklace is burning again.

He is gone from the green and blue land.

.

.

"Your Majesty...Your Majesty!"

"Hush, Enkko. You're going to wake Shikako-san."

"...With all due respects, you shouldn't been here. What if someone sees you?"

"You sound like Owl, give me a break. No one ever sees me if I don't want them to anyway. Stop fretting, would you?"

"It's still very risky, Queen Lucy."

"I..I just need a minute. To check he's alive. I'll leave soon."

"...I understand. If you may allow me the impertinence, that amulet you gave Shikaku-dono..."

"Yes, what about it?"

"You do realize you have...put a claim on him, your Majesty."

"Claim is such a strong word. I'm just making a statement, that's all."

"...The Clans won't like that. We're not supposed to mix our world's politics with this one."

"Well, I wasn't supposed to get involved either, yet here I am. I think that's a bit late for that, Enkko."

"Why him then? Of all the humans of this world..."

"I don't have any higher purpose. I just like him. I want him to live. So live he shall."

.

.
Shikaku did not came back to consciousness quietly. He was slammed straight into it instead. His leg ached like a bitch, his throat burnt as if a entire desert had grown in there when he wasn't looking and everything plain hurt. Already the dream was escaping from his memory.

Around him everything had a neutrally white shade. White ceiling, white walls, cream sheets. The air stinked like only hospitals smelt, between the bitterness of disease and the acidic agression of antiseptic. On top of it all, Shikaku had tubes shoved in his body where no tubes were ever supposed to go.

So. Alive then. He wouldn't have bet on that outcome.

(the abyss hadn't either)

"Fuck," even the swear word cut itself against his dry lips.

"Language."

Shikaku froze. He painfully turned his head to the side where the voice came from. His mother was sleeping on a cot near his bed. Chouza had somehow managed to fit his enormous body in the tiny chair and appeared to sleep soundly. A tiny monkey with a Konoha hitai-ate circling his neck had taking residence on the Akimichi's lap.

"Shikaku-dono," Enkko, Yuuki-sensei's summon greeted him solemnly. "You're finally awake."

A grunt crawled out of his mouth. "Ho..how...?"

"You've been in a coma for two days. Chakra exhaustion. The medics weren't sure you'd make it, to be honest," the monkey explained, sounding factual and reproachful at the same time.

Chakra exhaustion, eh? Not his type, that. Chouza was the one who tended to go overboard, not lazy Shikaku. To be fair, it wasn't like he had a freaking choice, ain't it. "Team?"

"Yuuki-san sustained second-degree burns on his right arm. Inoichi-kun had a concussion. All in all everyone is in good condition, except for yourself. They took turn to watch over you."

"'...kay. Thanks."

"Hikari-sama is extremely upset," Enkko added pointedly.

White had covered Shikaku's retina, but he remembered still glimpses of gold and green sparkling at the edge of his head, and the soft running bell of her voice imprinted near his sensitive ears.

"Hikari..." he told her name like a prayer, with wary devotion staining his dry lips. "Here?"

"Of course not," the monkey scowled disapprovingly.

(lies lies lies, the shadows growled, purred within his belly. We forget nothing)

There were so many questions Shikaku wanted to ask. How Enkko knew Hikari? Did the salamander knew her as well? Did every freaking summons knew Hikari? Why the deference? Where did summons actually live, and how did that relate to her? What was up with that necklace she gave him?

(what about the land of green and blue?)

He was so freaking exhausted. He could hardly string two thoughts together, even less conduct a proprer interrogation. And above his tiredness, a spark of fear had festered at the edge of his curiosity, making him hesitant to ask too many questions at once. Ensui had said it himself after all.

Spirits were different from humans.

Blink too long, question too thoroughly, and they might disappear forever.