Covert romance
The air is crisp, the promise of summer carried on the morning breeze. The forest echoes with the sounds of birds chirping cheerfully as they go about their business.
It’s peaceful. But the anxiety pulling Itachi’s chest tight is anything but.
The anxiety must show on his face.
“You alright, ‘Tachi?”
“Huh? I mean, I’m just-”
(He always has such a hard time getting his thoughts together. )
‘-I’m worried. That’s all.”
Of course, he doesn’t have to say what he’s worried about.
“Hey, you don’t gotta worry about all that stuff with the clan, okay? I bet we get everything figured out before your thirteenth birthday, and we’ll both laugh and wonder why we were ever freaked out.”
Itachi wants so badly to believe it. He trusts Shisui more than anyone else in the world. He wants to trust that soothing voice. That brilliant smile. Even so-
“You heard them at the last meeting, though. People are getting antsy, and Danzo-sama and the others know that. What happens if we can’t?”
“Not figuring it out isn’t an option.”
Shisui always sounds so sure. Like that boy from the Chuunin exams, with that razor-sharp grin. It makes his heart speed up in a confusing sort of way.
He doesn’t let himself linger on the feeling, however.
“Hey, Shisui?”
“Yeah?”
Itachi focuses his eyes on the precarious log under his feet, putting one foot cautiously over the other so he doesn’t slip on the moss into the gushing river below.
“Does the rest of the clan like me?” he asks, feeling stupid for even bringing it up.
“Eh? Whaddaya mean, do they like you?”
“It’s not a complicated question.”
Itachi comes across a lot more curt than he was hoping for. He hops off the log onto the muddy riverbank, fiddling anxiously with his fingers. He hears Shisui land behind him, and they start on the path along the riverbank that will take them home.
“I mean, I like you. I’m not a mind reader but if the others don’t they’re outta their gourds.”
“I know you like me. But the others-”
He keeps fidgeting with his hands as they walk, trying to find the words for the feelings in his head.
“I feel like- I mean, most of them only started really talking to me once I got in Anbu. It feels like people only act like they like me when they want something from me. It makes me wonder if-”
Wringing his hands, he stops in his tracks to calm his racing mind.
“-If maybe there’s something wrong with me. Like something in me’s broken and everyone else can tell.”
Shisui blinks, cocking his head in puzzlement.
“Tachi-”
“I wish someone would tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’m not smart enough to figure it out on my own. I just wish I could understand-"
“You’re not doing a damn thing wrong.”
Itachi flinches back at the sudden harsh tone Shisui takes on.
“Sorry, I-”
“I swear if you say sorry for stupid shit one more time I’m slapping you.”
Shisui grabs his shoulders and gives him a shake.
“I’ve been tellin’ you for years, ‘Tachi. You’re not doing anything wrong. If someone else doesn’t like you, that's their problem. Why do you keep saying this bullshit about yourself?”
Itachi shakes his head, baffled by the intensity of the older boy’s reaction.
“Shi-”
“Are you calling me a liar or what? C’mon, don’t do that to me.”
Itachi frowns, brow furrowed.
“...Shisui?”
The older boy wraps his hands around both of Itachi’s. He squirms uncomfortably, before the next words come spilling out of his mouth.
“I won’t let anyone say anything bad about someone I love. Anyone.”
“What are you-”
“-Don’t be stupid, Itachi. You know damn well what I meant.”
Love?
It can’t be true. Shisui is older than him. Tougher, stronger, friendlier, braver, better than him -
“I- what kind of love are you-”
“-Oh you’re so dense it’s unbelievable.”
Shisui sighs. Shakes his head.
Then kisses him.
It’s quick, barely a peck on the lips. But it catches Itachi so off-guard that he yelps. He tries to shove Shisui away, but they just end up stumbling and tumbling onto the muddy riverbank.
“Owww-”
“Geeze, ‘Tachi, was it that bad?”
“N-no- I mean- you surprised me- what are you-”
He feels his face light on fire, the puzzle pieces finally clicking together in his brain. Puts a word to the feeling he has every time Shisui gets close. The only coherent thought he can get out is-
“-Why though?”
“Cause you’re cute. And smart. And I like bein’ around you. It’s not that complicated.”
He fumbles til he finds Itachi’s hands again. His voice is much softer now, an adoring smile across his handsome face in that way that makes butterflies flutter in the younger boy’s stomach.
“Your hands are always so cold,” Shisui teases, rubbing his thumb along the top of Itachi’s palm.
Itachi blinks, brow still knit together.
“I’m sorry?”
“Stop being such a dork.”
Itachi’s heart flutters alarmingly, his stomach doing something akin to a backflip inside him when Shisui takes it upon himself to kiss him again, more boldly this time. Itachi squeezes Shisui’s hands tightly, gingerly allowing himself to kiss him back.
Just quick, chaste kisses. His first. As far as first kisses go, though, Itachi assumes he could do far worse.
(has Shisui had his first kiss already, he wonders…)
Weird. Itachi feels weird. But also like he’s been unconsciously waiting to do something like this for a long time. He’s shaking, but not in an unpleasant way.
“Sorry, Tachi. I just had to try it at least once. I’ll stop if you want.”
“-I don’t want you to?”
It comes out as a question, because it surprises even himself.
It’s a strange feeling, but a nice one. He lets the feeling linger as long as he can before the fear truly starts to settle in as he realizes what this means.
“...The others can’t know,” he says, quietly. “Ever.”
Shisui deflates a bit at the reminder.
“Yeah, I know.”
Itachi squeezes the older boy’s hands tighter, as they right themselves into a sitting position.
“So how’s it gonna work?” he asks, fear staining his voice. “You and me- nobody can know, and I- well, I gotta…”
He trails off again, but Shisui, like always, knows what he wants to say.
“I know. Get married. To a woman. Probably Izumi, right? Your dad likes her.”
Itachi whines, the anxiety of being caught and the sadness that he can’t be open about his newly-recognized love.
“So what do we do?”
Shisui mulls it over with a serious expression, before it melts back to his usual, more cheerful one. He pulls Itachi in for a hug, getting mud all over both of them.
“Eh, what the clan doesn’t know won’t hurt ‘em right? If we do get caught I’ll take all the blame, ‘kay? I’m already basically an outsider anyway, right?”
“Don’t say that-”
“Eh, I’m just joking. You worry too much.”
Shisui brushes a lock of Itachi’s hair out of his face, smiling in adoration.
“I don’t mind having to keep it quiet. ‘S not like anyone would get it, anyway.”
Nodding in silent agreement, Itachi summons up a wary smile.
“You’re right.”
“Aren’t I always?”
itachi won't let his annoyance at Shisui's smugness ruin the moment.
“You seem flustered, Itachi-kun.”
Itachi wrings his ponytail in his hands, eyes fixed on his pillow.
He’s been distracted the entire conversation, it’s true. Well, more so than usual.
“Well I- Orochimaru-sama, have you ever liked someone you’re not supposed to?”
“Aside from everyone I’ve ever dated?”
“Please take this seriously!”
"I am taking it seriously. I've just never particularly cared who saw me kissing who."
Itachi squeezes his hands together.
“...I mean, I know I shouldn’t have let it happen. Or gone along with it. But I wanted to. I don’t understand why I couldn’t have stopped it.”
He bows his head, grinding his teeth from thinking about it.
Orochimaru doesn’t even have to ask who it is to figure it out.
“If you wanted it, and you enjoyed it, why should you have stopped it?”
“I-I’m not supposed to be going around kissing people! Let alone a-”
“Hm? Who says?”
“I mean- I’m supposed to get married- and have kids- I can’t do that with a-”
“And who says you have to do either of those things?”
“...I mean- it’s just how things are done, right? It’s how it’s always been.”
“Who says? I know I was never consulted.”
Itachi frowns.
When he thinks about it, he can’t seem to figure out who decided in the first place. He hugs his legs against his chest, his frown deepening.
“...I don’t know.”
“Why do you have to follow the rules when nobody even remembers who made it?”
Itachi rests his cheek on his knees.
“Cause I could get hurt if the wrong people find out I’ve broken it.”
“You’re clever. If someone finds out, I know you’ll take care of it.”
“You’re giving me too much credit.”
“Maybe you’re not giving yourself enough.”
Itachi is left alone, huddled up on his bed before he can respond.
With that huge weight lifted off his chest, Itachi straightens himself out, and heads out of his bedroom to see if maybe Mom needs help getting dinner ready-
-and nearly trips right over Sauke, staring wide-eyed in awe.”
“Sasu-”
“You kissed someone?! ” he shouts, mouth agape.
Itachi wants to melt into the floor. He doesn’t even get the chance to ask Sasuke how much he’s overheard.
“Sasuke it’s not like-”
“What’s the racket?”
Itachi’s stomach goes into his feet, humiliation setting his entire body on fire when their father pokes his head around the corner.
“Niisan kissed someone!!” Sasuke declares again, pointing at him and grinning mischievously. “I heard him talking to himself about it!!”
If the embarrassment could get any worse, their mother joins in.
“What’s this about Itachi kissing people?” she laughs,
“I uh- well, I mean- um, I-”
He flinches when Fugaku wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him in close. He’s grinning in a way Itachi hasn’t seen him smile in years.
“Well I’ll be damned!”
“Hey-”
“That’s my boy- who’s the lucky girl, huh?”
Itachi fumbles his thoughts, desperate not to blurt out that it’s not a she.
“I- well uh, I’d rather not-”
“Come on, you can’t even tell your old man?”
“Yeah yeah! I wanna know, Niisan!”
“I don’t think-”
Mikoto catches onto something. Her face gains a knowing expression, and she folds her arms in that way she does when she’s ready to scold.
“-Come on, you two. You can’t make a boy kiss and tell, it’s rude.”
“Fine, fine.”
Fugaku finally lets Itachi go, but he’s still puffed up with elation and gives him a congratulatory clap on the back.
“I was starting to wonder if I’d ever see the day.”
“Don’t act like you weren’t a late bloomer, dear,” Mikoto smirks at him, giving him a playful jab with her elbow. “If I remember right, wasn’t your first kiss at our wedding?”
It’s Fugaku’s turn to blush, bypassing all known shades of red to create another one entirely.
“H-hey, that’s uncalled for!”
“What’s a late bloomer?” Sasuke asks.
“It means your father couldn’t find a date to save his life,” Mikoto teases, with a sly smile. “He was too shy for that sort of thing.”
Sasuke laughs, and even Itachi can’t suppress a snort. Fugaku hides his face in his hand, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Betrayed by my own family. Unbelievable.”
“How about you two stop interrogating Itachi about his love life and get washed up for dinner?”
“Aww, fine,” Sasuke grumbles. But he follows his father out all the same.
Itachi opens his mouth to try to speak, but Mikoto shakes her head and puts a hand on his shoulder.
Her smile falls, her face growing grim.
She drops her voice low, bending down to be at eye level with her son.
“I know it wasn’t a girl.”
Itachi’s blood turns cold.
“How-”
“Nevermind that, Itachi. You’re not in any trouble but I have to warn you.”
“Huh?”
She tilts his head up to meet her eyes.
“You have to be careful. You know it’s going to be trouble if people find out.”
Itachi nods, with a sad little sigh.
“I know it’s not fair. But that’s how it is.”
She’s right. He knows she’s right. Being as under the microscope as he is, he always has to watch himself. And he’s seen what happens when one dares to show this part of themselves to the world. From overhearing the whispered gossip to watching a colleague get attacked for who they are, the consequences have been clear for as long as he’s been old enough to comprehend that sort of thing.
“Orochimaru-sama, what’s a fag?”
It sucks. His heart hurts for it, and he can tell from the look on his mother’s face that she’s no stranger to the feeling.
(Itachi always figured she had the same kind of feelings as him. He’s just never had the nerve to ask.)
“I understand.”
“I know you do, baby.”