Painful Reminders
Tobirama Senju is dead.
So why am I still being tortured by those memories. I shouldn't feel anything. These feelings shouldn't mean anything to me. She shouldn't mean anything to me. Yet the memories and emotions continue to haunt me. Why do I continue to feel this pain?
Why do I still feel this heartbreak? Why do I still feel this pain?
I left the place associated with this pain but it doesn't seem to have done much. The feelings return when I let my mind wander for too long. I can't let myself think about her, or else it will hurt more. If I think too much about it, the hallucinations return and it will become worse. It will go away if I don't think about it, it's the best method I have to get rid of these feelings.
I lock myself in my lab and resist the urge to scream and break things. I ignore the tears that run down my face behind my mask. This is illogical and unfair, but there is no one who can understand my anguish.
You tell me to stay away. You know I'm a product of your mind but you cannot find the will to banish me on your own. How pathetic. You can't bring yourself to move on from her, that's why your mind molds me into her shape. You want me to go away? I'll disappear sooner or later until the next time your mind brings me back. You know this is a battle between yourself and you're still losing.
I ignore the hallucination of her. I must continue my experiments. I know those emotions still hurt, but there's nothing I can do. They are the memories of the old me, a dead man. Faking my death was a finality, the feelings should have stopped then. Those feelings should have died with that identity, that version of myself. I am free from the Hidden Leaf Village but not free from my feelings of her. I still miss her, but I cannot let that stop me.
I cannot let old emotions cripple me. Those feelings are in the past, and that's where they belong. I won't let the heartache of the past become an obstacle to my work in the present.
I must keep silent about this like I did in the Hidden Leaf. No one but me will understand where these feelings come from. People ask too many questions, I prefer not to answer questions, especially ones about my past. Thus, I resist the urge to scream. Therefore, I will suffer in silence like I did in the Hidden Leaf and continue to pursue my research and experiment to continue to expand my knowledge. I cannot give the pain and emotions the time of day, it would be a waste of time to address them. There's nothing I can do about this heartbreak, the person I loved died a long time ago. That's why it hurts, I miss her. She's the only one who can do anything about it. But she is dead. Therefore, there is nothing that can be done. That is fine, I can put up with it. It's not like I do not have experience with managing these types of things. I must continue with my experiments. I continue forward, writing information down on paper. Hypothesis and theories that I will test later.
Of course. According to you, everything is fine. You tell yourself that you can handle it and that this is something easily ignored. You know that it is a lie. You tell yourself this lie all the time and you continue to believe yourself. How long will you be able to keep deceiving yourself? When will you finally admit that you are not okay? All this lying to yourself and acting tough... it's tiring, isn't it?
Sometimes, I let myself think back and remember her. I know it's a foolish mistake to make but I allow myself to do so anyway. The memories of her aren't bad ones at all, they are happy ones. My memories of her are some of the happiest memories I have. She was such a wonderful person, warm and bright. Once I let myself remember, everything comes rushing back to me. I even let myself go back over certain memories to remember certain things about her again. I know I shouldn't be wasting my time remembering such things, the last thing I need is to indulge in these memories further. This is only a minor distraction from my work. I can afford to take a small break from my work. Yes, I can indulge in this temptation for a little bit longer...
I can feel the bittersweetness caused by remembering her. This is the only way I can see her again. I wonder why I didn't want to remember in the first place.
You failed to protect her! You promised you would be there for her when she needed you! You promised to protect her!
The hallucination tears me from my bittersweet indulgence of remembering her. Real or not, those words sting. No, those words do more than sting me, the word sting implies a lesser pain. This feeling is no small pain, the word sting does it no justice in indicating how painful it is. The thought that the reason why we aren't happily married now is my own failure is not a pleasant idea at all. That is not an acceptable conclusion. The Hidden Leaf Village was partially founded so we could protect our loved ones easier, it failed in its purpose, it failed me. Therefore, I am not the one at fault.
I now remember why I don't let myself dwell on my memories, the feelings are nothing but a distraction. I cannot let myself dwell on my own failure and inabilities of back then. It is best for me to focus on the present and future, the past is dead. The only appropriate course of action to prevent other emotional memories from forming is to close off my emotions. I will not allow myself to become too emotionally invested in anything going forward. It is better this way.