Of Funerals, Nightmares, and Questions
-Of Funerals, Nightmares, and Questions-
On the day of the funeral, everyone was silent. Even the sky seemed to imitate the feelings of grief and gloom that filled the air by blanketing the Village in a deep overcast of dark-grey storm clouds.
Shinobi of all rank filed out onto the rooftop of the Hokage’s Office, lining up in neat rows of black, their expressions solemn and hard.
Naruto, decked out in his own bleak funeral garb, quietly looks around as he tries to spot a certain Minamoto in the crowd— Who of which, had been M.I.A. since the ANBU came to collect her at the gates. He has no luck, however, making him let out a disheartened huff.
“She’ll be here.” Sakura voices softly from her spot on the blond’s right, prompting him to turn to her. She then meets his gaze with a halfhearted smile. “Even if she’s hurting, she won’t miss it. That’s not how she is, you know that.”
At her words, Naruto feels his throat tighten with emotion, though he doesn’t say anything in response as he turns his head away with a small nod of acknowledgement.
“There she is now.” Sasuke - who had been silent all morning up to this point - grunts, his low voice startling the two as well as making their gazes move towards the stairs. However, the sight that greeted them wasn’t one that brought much relief.
Amaya’s once relaxed and confident gait was now tense and meek as she followed closely behind Kou and Kurai, her head slightly bowed and eyes downcast as she stared at her shoes.
Naruto - though he didn’t really mean to - murmured the girl’s name as she neared, making her gaze snap up in their direction, allowing them to see her dull and tired blue eyes.
Almost as soon as the contact was made, however, it was lost as Amaya quickly diverts her gaze, staring intently ahead as she kept walking.
Naruto’s brows furrow as he watches the girl stop and fall in line, standing between Toshiaki and a much older male who he didn’t know. And if she felt his gaze, she didn’t show or acknowledge it as she continued to force her eyes ahead.
Kakashi, having watched the interaction quietly from his place behind the Uzumaki, places his hand on Naruto’s shoulder, preventing the blond from moving and making him look up. “Leave her be, Naruto. She’s going through a lot right now... More than you know.” He murmurs, understanding her need for space completely as he had once been through it himself.
Naruto stares up at the Jounin for a moment longer before his attention is diverted once again as something cold and wet pelts his forehead. Turning to the sky, his eyes squint slightly as rain begins to sprinkle down, picking up by the second as it quickly turns into a strong downpour.
“It’s raining.” Kurenai murmurs from her spot next to Asuma, stating the obvious, though no one really minded.
Asuma briefly looks up. “Even the heavens weep...”
It’s then the two remaining Village Councilors, Homura Mitokado and Koharu Utatane, step forward to begin the service, with the former speaking first. “We are gathered here today to remember and honor not only the Third Hokage, but all of those who sacrificed themselves in this battle so that our Village would survive.”
Not wanting to hear anymore of the eulogy, Amaya zones out and stares blankly ahead as she puts all of her focus on the cool condensation running down her cheeks and dripping off her chin.
She stays like this for a few more minutes, expression blank and unmoving; Only snapping to attention when a much larger and warmer hand takes her own in a gentle grasp. Looking up, she meets Toshiaki’s gaze, watching as the corner of his lips lift into a weak, crooked smile.
***
The funeral procession continued for a few more minutes until it was finally time to pay last respects to the fallen ninja and Hokage. One after another, people - with flowers in hand - began to form a line and slowly make their way towards the row of portraits placed on an alter.
As this was happening, Naruto focuses on two portraits in particular and feels a pang of grief jab at his heart. ‘Why did it have to happen? Why did such good people have to die? Why?’
To the blond’s left, Konohamaru starts to cry, prompting Iruka to kneel at his side and place a comforting hand on the younger boy’s shoulder. In response, Konohamaru turns into the embrace and tucks his head into the Chunin’s chest in hopes of muffling his sobs.
Naruto solemnly watches the interaction for a moment before his eyes move onto Amaya’s form once again, taking in her blank disposition as she walked away from the alter. ‘It’s a Shinobi rule. Never show your feelings. Keep your mind focused on your mission, no matter what. No matter how much you’re hurting inside, you can’t shed a tear.’ At that thought, he turns back to the duo to his left. “Iruka-sensei, why do they do it? Why do people risk their lives for other people?”
Iruka looks up at him thoughtfully as he mulled over his response. “Well, when someone passes away, it’s the end. His past and future, all the dreams he once had, they disappear along with him. This is true even if he died honorably in battle, as so many have. All the ties that bind him to the living are severed— All but one, the most important of all, people... Parents, siblings, children, friends, lovers; the people who were important to him. And these people, the ones left behind, are joined together in a great circle by their shared memories of him— A circle of friendship, trust, and sacrifice that grows larger and stronger as time passes.” He pauses for a moment, giving a weak and halfhearted smile. “It’s hard to explain it... We remain in this circle together. We have no choice, it’s important to us.”
Naruto hums and looks down to his feet thoughtfully. “So we do it because we have to...? I get it. Sort of... Still, I’m sad they’re gone.”
Iruka’s eye’s soften. “Think how sad it would be if they’d died for nothing... But, they left us with something priceless. Don’t worry. You’ll understand one of these days.”
“Hey, give me some credit. That much I get.” Naruto retorts with a small smile of his own.
Sakura, who was listening to the two speak, looks away as the rain begins to slowly dissipate. “The rain... It stopped.”
Sasuke glances at her for a moment before he also looks up to the sky, grunting lowly in agreement as the clouds begin to clear.
“Your friends were looking for you after the service.”
Amaya flinches at her brothers unexpected appearance in her doorway but doesn’t turn to face him as she continues to place clothes and other travel necessities into her backpack. “I didn’t feel like sticking around. Plus I still had to pack.”
Toshiaki crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe, watching his sisters back thoughtfully for a moment before moving his gaze downwards and onto the plush, white carpet at her feet. “I told Kakashi we had things to take care of at the Main Residence. He said to tell you to take your time and to rejoin the team on missions when you’re ready.”
“Okay.”
Unsatisfied with her clipped response, Toshiaki sighs and refocuses his gaze on the back of her head. “Amaya, you can’t shut people out... I know you’re hurting, we all are, but bottling everything up isn’t healthy. You still have people who you can talk to—“
“That’s the thing!” Amaya snaps, turning to face him with a withering glare. “Everyone thinks that talking about what happened will just magically make everything better! Well, guess what?! It.Won’t. Papa is deadand nothing is going to be the same anymore, so we all might as well stop pretending while we’re still ahead.” Feeling her eyes start to burn, the brunette turns back to her task, this time angrily cramming the rest of her items into the bag as she continues speaking. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to get this over with and move on.”
All is silent between the two for a moment before Toshiaki let’s out another deep sigh. “Everyone is already packed and ready to go. When you’re done, we’ll leave.” He replies, his response strained.
As his footsteps fade down the hall, Amaya’s movements come to a slow stop as she grips the shirt in her hands tightly. Gritting her teeth, she slams the garment into the bag with an angered grunt and plops down onto the bed, resting her head in her hands.
She sits there for a minute, mentally counting to ten as she tried to calm herself, though she couldn’t quite stop the tears from forming in her eyes. Finally, after taking a deep breath, she looks up and her gaze immediately lands on the family portrait resting on her bedside table.
The photo, placed safely inside a simple wooden frame, was taken on her thirteenth birthday, just a few days prior to the Selection Exam. Her mother had insisted, and although they all complained at first, they happily obliged to the older females wishes in the end.
It had been quite the comical experience attempting to fit on the small sofa, what with Toshiaki and the twins fighting for “the perfect spot next to the birthday-girl”. Nonetheless, they eventually came to a solution in which everyone was pleased. Amaya herself, ended up being squeezed between her parents with Yoshi on her lap as the twins lounged on the floor at their feet. Toshiaki had taken his place behind the couch, his folded arms supporting his weight as he leaned over its back, resting his chin on the top of Amaya’s head.
It was a good day all in all. One full of memories. However, the reminder only made the brunette feel worse.
Letting out a shaky breath, Amaya reaches up and gently lays the photo facedown before standing. She then swings her bag over her shoulder with a huff, wiping her eyes as she makes her way to her bedroom door.
Reminiscing was nice, but in her mind, now wasn’t the time for it.
-Two Days Later; Minamoto Main Residence-
“Amaya, sweetheart? Did you hear me?”
Slightly startled, Amaya looks away from the nearby window she was gazing out of, finding everyone at the table staring at her in concern. “What...?”
At her dazed and confused expression, her mother gives a weak smile and repeats herself. “I asked you if you were okay? You’ve barely touched your food...”
Brows furrowed, Amaya looks down at her plate and swallows thickly. Picking at the meal with her chopsticks slightly, she puts the eating utensils down. “Yeah, I just— I’m not that hungry, is all...” She informs before asking, “May I be excused?”
Her mother opens her mouth to respond but before she could get a word out, Amaya was already standing from the table.
“Thank you for the food.” The younger brunette murmurs before quickly making her way from the room.
“Amaya—!” Mitsuko begins with a frown and stands from her seat, intending on following after the girl. However, her father-in-law’s hand on her arm stops her from moving any further.
Gazing up at her worried expression, Masato gives a small nod. “Finish your breakfast, I’ll speak with her.”
***
“Something told me that I’d find you here.”
Amaya doesn’t look up as her grandfather stops and stands beside her on the small bridge, opting to instead continue watching the Koi swim around in the pond below. “Saa~… I came here because it’s quiet... Ya know, that thing people enjoy when they want to be leftalone.”
Unperturbed by her snark, as he’d grown quite accustomed to it over the past few days, Masato hums thoughtfully to himself and gazes around the garden. “This was your father’s favorite place to come and meditate. Did you know that?”
Despite the front she was putting up, Amaya couldn’t resist the twinge of curiosity nagging at the back of her mind. “No, I didn’t. He never mentioned it, at least, I don’t remember if he did.”
Masato chuckles to himself. “He had his moments where he wanted to be left alone, too.” He informs, letting out a wistful sigh. “Ah... Yes, he’d come out here, find a place to sit or stand, and stay there for hours lost in thought— It used to drive your Grandmother ragged when she was still alive... In fact, one of the last times I remember him doing it was when he planned on proposing to your mother.”
Resting her chin on her folded arms, Amaya smiles softly to herself as she imagined the scene the older male described. “That doesn’t sound like him at all.”
“No, I suppose it doesn’t.” The older Minamoto muses. “He gained a lot more of that confidence you knew him to have after she said yes and after Toshiaki was born.”
All is silent between the two for a few minutes after that and Amaya’s small smile slowly falls from her face, her somber disposition returning full-force.
Masato, noticing this, sighs as his own expression turns tight. “I’ve nearly outlived everyone I’ve ever held dear— All by different means, of course... And now, my second and only remaining son has taken his place amongst our predecessors and fallen clansmen.”
Amaya turns to him, her brows furrowed. “Wha—“
“There’s an old saying... ‘Duty is as heavy as a mountain, Death is as light as a feather.’ Your father made his choice, in his eyes, the price to pay was easy. He didn’t just sacrifice himself for the Village, he sacrificed himself for the home of his family— For the safety of his wife and children.” Masato then meets her gaze fully. “Mourn for him. Mourn for the memories and experiences you’ll never get to have, but don’t let your grief consume you. If you do, it’ll only dismiss his effort.”
Sniffling, Amaya reaches up and wipes at her eyes, allowing the older male to pull her into a hug.
“Pain and loss are normal parts of life, and I know there’s more to it than just his passing that you’re coming to terms with... But there has to be a point in which you pick yourself back up and overcome it. Obviouslyit’s not going to happen in a day and it’s not going to be easy, but you have to try. He would want you to try... Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
Nodding into his chest, Amaya leans fully into the embrace, her resolve breaking completely as raw and unrestrained sobs tear from her throat.
Masato’s own expression softens at the muffled sound, his own eyes wet with unshed tears as he smooths a hand over the girl’s hair. “It’ll be okay... We’ll be okay.” He murmurs, finishing the sentence silently to himself, ‘We have to be.’
-Three Days Later; Minamoto Compound, Konohagakure-
Amaya could feel her throat close up and her chest tighten as the color red filled her vision. It coated her hands and ran down her wrists in thick rivulets, staining her skin before dripping onto the dirt below.
She then hears a watery cough, the sound forcing her eyes upwards. However, instead of finding the gaze of the nin of whom the blood belonged to, they meet deep and familiar pools of blue.
“A... A—Amaya...”
“Pa...Papa...?”
Immediately releasing her grip on the tanto, the brunette takes a hesitant step back, her panic intensifying as her father’s face began to morph. One face after another it changed, taking on the appearance of those who she also held dear as he fell to the ground.
Looking down to her trembling hands, Amaya’s breath came out in short and painful gasps, leaving her lightheaded as her vision blurred slightly.
The bright colors of the street around her faded and she was soon submerged in darkness, though she wasn’t left alone for very long as a dark chuckle sounded from behind her.
Spinning on her heel, Amaya’s blue orbs lock with gleaming gold; their slitted, snake-like pupils sending another bout of shivers down her spine.
Orochimaru’s laughter grows louder as his sickly, white face comes into view. He grins, showing off his fanged teeth as his neck began to stretch and elongate - similar to his appearance in the Forest of Death weeks prior.
Like a tightly coiled spring, Amaya snaps as her flight-or-fight instincts kick in. She stumbles backwards on unsteady legs, shaking her head fearfully as the Sannin continues to follow after her.
“NO!”
Amaya shoots up in bed, her eyes wide as they flit around, her fear subsiding slightly as she took in the familiar sight of her darkened bedroom. Shuddering, she presses a hand to her chest and closes her eyes, counting to ten with deep and calming breaths, feeling her racing heart slowly return to normal.
Sighing, the brunette kicks her duvet to the side and swings her legs over the edge of the bed, sitting there for a moment with teary eyes as her dream hit her full-force.
At the reminder, Amaya covers her mouth as bile rises up her throat and jumps off the bed, sprinting out of the room and down the hall towards the bathroom.
Shutting the door harshly behind her, she quickly drops to her knees in front of the toilet and empties the contents of her stomach.
Once finished and after reaching up to flush the toilet, the brunette can’t stop the quiet, choked sob that breaks from her lips. She goes to cover her mouth in hopes of muffling the sound but freezes, staring down at her palms wide eyed.
They were still red.
Jolting slightly, Amaya grips the hem of her t-shirt and rubs at her hands, her movements becoming more frantic when the blood refuses to disappear.
Jumping up from the floor, the brunette steps over to the sink and turns on the tap, making sure to grab the bar of soap from its tray as she began to scrub her hands underneath the almost scalding water.
‘It won’t come off... It won’t come off... WHY WON’T IT COME OFF...?!’
Having become lost in her thoughts, Amaya lets out a yelp when someone lightly knocks on the door.
“Amaya...? Hey, you okay in there?” Kou’s groggy voice questions from the other side of the door followed by another knock. “Do you need me to come in...?”
Amaya gulps and looks down to her now raw hands, the blood nowhere in sight. “A-Ah, no...? No, I’m fine. Just had to use the bathroom is all... Sorry for waking you up.”
Kou is silent for a moment. “I don’t care about that... Are you sure everything’s okay? You sound strange...”
Hastily turning off the tap, Amaya flicks off the light and grabs a hand towel; aiming to both dry her hands and keep them hidden from her brother when she opens the door. “I’m fine, Kou... Promise.”
Her brother stares at her for a moment before nodding slowly. “All right, if you say so.” He murmurs, his tone letting her know that he didn’t believe her for a second. He then lets out a sigh and pulls her into an embrace, planting a light kiss on the crown of her head. “Try to get some more sleep, ‘kay?”
Amaya nods silently as he pulls away, watching guiltily as he turns to walk back to his and Kurai’s shared bedroom, already knowing that a restful sleep was now a pipe-dream.
***
Looking over to her alarm clock, Amaya sighs at the time.
3:45 a.m.
Glancing towards the door, the brunette contemplates to herself for a moment. And after figuring Kou was already back in bed and asleep, she stands and grabs her keys from the bedside table.
Walking over to the window, Amaya unlatches the lock and cracks the pane open slightly before making her way out of the room.
***
“Told you the kid was out here.”
Amaya flinches at Pakkun’s voice and looks up as Kakashi sits down beside her on the park bench with a tired sigh. “What are you doing out so late, Sensei...?”
“I should be asking you the same thing...” Kakashi drawls lazily. “You’re returning to active-duty tomorrow, you should be sleeping.”
Pakkun huffs and raises up on his hind-legs, waiting patiently for the brunette to pick him up - which she does so compliantly. “Don’t listen to him, kid. He won’t admit it but Boss’ been worried about you.” He informs, making himself comfortable on the girls lap as she begins scratching the sweet-spot between his ears. “Had us watchin’ you since you got back and everything.”
Amaya deadpans but doesn’t comment on the newly given information, opting to look out into the park.
A silence forms between the three before the brunette is the first to break it once more. “Papa used to bring us to this park a lot when we were little.” She murmurs quietly. “Toshiaki nearly broke his nose trying to show off by jumping from the swings.”
Kakashi hums to himself and also looks around but doesn’t say anything, giving the girl plenty of time to vent.
“Sensei...?” Amaya calls after another moment of silence, making him look at her. “When you first...you know... Did you have dreams about it...?”
“Yes.”
Amaya’s brows furrow and she stops petting the small pug in her lap to look at her hand. “Do you ever stop seeing it?”
Kakashi follows her gaze, already knowing what she was referring to. “I think it gets easier to deal with, given time.” He replies, his expression solemn behind his mask. “No one sane really ever gets used to it, let alone over it.”
Amaya’s bottom lip trembles slightly as she gives a sad and watery smile, which brightens a bit when Pakkun gives her wrist a small lick, prompting her to continue her pets. “I see... Thank you for being honest.”
Kakashi doesn’t say anything in response, only reaching up to rest his hand on the girls bowed head as she tries to compose herself.