Chapter 1
The ceiling above him was white, a small water mark had started to grow in the spot to the right of his vision, it’s browning spoke of weeks of festering and who knew how bad it looked on the other side of the drywall.
A sigh escaped him and transformed into a low and drawn out yawn. He raised his right arm and laid it across his eyes, and he counted down from sixteen in the quiet, never ending quiet, of the night.
The sheets suddenly felt heavy and his skin was slick with sweat. One of these nights maybe he’d sleep all the way through and wake up feeling refreshed, tonight (today from the looks of the bright red numbers reading 4:30 am) it wasn’t meant to be.
He turned his head back and stared up once more at the browning stain. He tried to calm his rapidly beating heart, to no avail. He stretched out his toes, curled them against the blanket, heard the scratching rather than felt it. His body almost felt numb, too hot and too foreign to account for anything.
The inside of his cheek found purchase between his teeth as he bit lightly. He contemplated for all of three heart beats before a frown rose and he pushed the blanket up and off of himself, then pushed his legs over the side of the bed. He paused at the cool touch of the wood flooring under his feet and watched as goosebumps broke out across the skin of his arms and legs.
“In through your nose, hold, and out through your mouth, and hold.” A voice that sounded suspiciously like his bro-
His breath hitched on the exhale, stuttered for all of a second before it continued and he paused as he held on for far longer than necessary. Maybe he could hold his breath forever and never have to worry about it ever again.
Unlikely.
He inhaled deeply and stood, forced his thoughts to quiet and crossed the few steps needed to reach his door before he closed his eyes. He turned the knob and stepped out.
Two steps forward, three to the right and one more step forward before eight steps downstairs led him to the first floor. He paused as his left hand slid against the doorframe he knew was there, he continued six steps through and into the next room.
He opened his eyes and turned to his right before he reached into a cupboard just above his shoulder with his right hand. He marveled at the differences, as he pulled out a container of coffee and then a filter, once upon a time he would’ve taken three more steps to the left and reached for the footstool hidden beneath the sink.
A huff of a laugh escaped him as he moved and headed for the coffee maker situated on the far side of the kitchen.
An island was connected to the kitchen counter forming a L-shap, laid between a small dining space that led further toward a garden separated only by a sliding paper door.
He allowed his mind to fully invest in the simple task at hand, and tried not to let his thoughts wander. He stepped back and filled the pot with cold water which he in turn poured into the empty coffee reservoir. He placed the pot back and flicked the switch on.
A hiss and a sound like a wet cough filled the air as he once again closed his eyes and stepped once to the left, nine steps forward, opened a door and stepped into the large bathroom next the the kitchens pantry. He left the door open, and went to relieve himself. Finished he headed to the other side and reached forward to turn on the hot water of the shower.
He pulled his arms out of his shirt and pulled it up and off, shimmied out of his pants and stepped into the steaming water.
“Ahh.” He moaned quietly as the water hit his skin.
Though it burned he didn’t bother to reach for the knobs and just allowed his body to adjust to the scalding heat as he rest his forehead against the cool tile opposite the shower head.
Water beat down at the tension of his shoulders and down his back, as he stayed motionless.
He felt the ghost like touch of barely there nails as they scraped across his shoulders and down over his pecs and further down over his stomach and abdominal muscles, which twitched as if the touch were real and not yet another memory that plague him in the darkness of the early morning.
He realized belated that he hadn’t turned on a single light since he ventured out of his room.
His shoulders shrugged, as if to answer the thought, as he pivoted on his heel, reached for the shower head aimed it down and sat on the floor of the shower. His black hair slide with the water to collect around his face and over his shoulders.
As he sat there, his head on his arms, felt the scalding wet run over his closed eyes and barely open lips, he wondered if this was just who he was now, and if he would ever change.
The coffee marker sputtered the last of it’s brew loudly from the kitchen, just barely heard over the shower, as quiet sobs broke out in the still and darkened house.