A Home for Him
Intimate relationships concerning him were a laughable matter to him many years ago. His heart was overridden with hatred, confusion, and arrogance.
He was all but glad that he was no longer a teenager. At the same time, he felt a stab in his chest for not living more in the moment. How could he?
He has been distrustful since he was left on his own, witnessing the village working as one to move forward as prosperously as they could. He was left alone mainly, everyone scowled in his direction. His father’s failure caused a weighty recession, which increased the unemployment rate of his village and relations of their allies found it distasteful to witness a nation so powerful crumble financially to its knees. A single man with a mission, weighing heavily on his shoulders let everyone back home down.
Before this, no one paid him any mind. Not in a way that would suggest he was soon to become the only son of a traitorous scumbag. That’s what his father became reduce to. A traitor. Although, it was a lie and far from it. It helped them feel better to see him in a shaddier light. As someone who would throw away all the training, the principles and priorities, for the sake of a few lives.
Those whose lives were saved by Father, returned in shame. Though, they lived to see their loved ones, they knew better than to protect the individual who killed the security and peace of the Fire Nation.
Their integrity vanished. Soon, their eyes looked like everyone else’s. No gratitude was bestowed on his father’s memory. Not even a fruitless speech was said to him by them.
So hated was his father that his corpse was buried miles out the village. Like a dangerous, infections, garbage. Even stray dogs buried chicken bones with more affection.
Kakashi grew up as a pestilence. His worth amounted to the early strides of his innate talent and advanced intelligence. He learned almost immediately that there was no tolerance for rule breakers. Kakashi was a daily reminder to everyone. He was a diminutive copy of his father. The mask didn’t help, but at least he felt protected to some degree, like his father was in a strange way hugging him and holding a hand to his covered face.
“Never shy away from your problems...Never sprint foolhardy without assessing your opponents skills and character...Never show the world you’re weaknesses, they will rush to exploit you to your death…”
Kakashi loved this about his father. His rules were definitive, out of experience and leadership. Kakashi never hesitated in following his instructions because he witnessed first hand in much younger years how his father conducted himself through out missions. He never wavered, not physically or emotionally. He was, in those times, his hero: the ideal embodiment of strength; a true soldier.
His home in his short-lived childhood years weren’t perfect. His father was strict yet there for his needs. Food, clothing, and shelter were never absent. His father was capable of being gentle, too. He’d often reprimanded his father for it.
“Men can be maternal. Would you rather I not let you sleep with me when you’re lonely or scared of the dark? Would you rather I only give you praise for your good behavior and work than give you affection?”
“It’s not manly, dad! You shouldn’t do it in public, I don't know like how other shinobi look at you. They make fun of you!”
“I’m aware they do. They’ve had different upbringings, father’s who train them until dark; one mishap and they get severely punished. Is that the kind of father you want me to be? Not that it matters because I’m your father and what I say goes. I refuse to mistreat you for the sake of a clan's name or to rush and force out you’re value for the village.”
“I don’t have a say at all?” Kakashi crossed his arms, disbelief written in his widened, incredulous, eyes. Adults! They think they’re better than me. As if! I’m smarter than all of them.
“Your opinions do matter to me, of course. I’m your father. But in some matters you have absolutely no grounds to yap yourself into. I let you because you aren’t an ordinary boy. However, to everyone but myself, you should best keep yourself still and quiet.”
With that his dad ruffled the top of his head. A soft, fatherly smiled formed on his face and the usual creases besides the end of his eyes appeared.
No one knew his dad like he did. Yet, he never had the chance to get to know him like the rest of the world. This led him to believe that maybe the world was right about his dad. So he was angry. An Anger latched in his heart for being abandoned, for being cursed at and blamed by people each time he left to and from the academy.
“He’s fated to fall in the same footsteps as his treacherous father.”
“My parents business is suffering because of him!”
“Tsk! He oughta go the same way. Hey, kid! Why don’t you say hi to your father? Want some rope?”
Women, men, kids older and younger than him learned to ignore his existence or to speak ill about him and his father. But, Kakashi never heard any of it. Everything loomed above his head. He was emotionally beyond reach. His heart was replaced by a vacant space.
Had Kakashi known there was help, a place for him to go, he would have sought it. But who was he kidding? He hated everything and everyone. What was the reason of his existence? His dream died along his with his father. All he was back then, was a boy who wanted to be with his father. To travel and fight beside him on missions. He wasn't asking for much, his dream was really simple.
Kakashi became suicidal since he was the mere age of five years old. Time again and again he’d sit idly and stare at the ceiling where he found his father swaying softly. Did it hurt? Did his father think of him while he was fastening the rope around his neck? When he kicked off the tabby stool chair?
An inky apology was written inside a scroll along with his signature tanto sword, and some of his summoning scrolls.
To my beloved son,
Know that I am deeply sorry. I was weak. I have failed. I failed everyone. Hell is the only place for me now.
I'm sorry for doing this to you, but I can’t. How am I supposed to look at you, my son? Know that I love you so very much. Kakashi you are the single best thing in my life, the surest and proudest decision I’ve ever taken. A blessing.
Kakashi, son, be stronger than I was. Do whatever you must to survive, what you think is morally correct may not be easy or even worth it, but promise me, TRY to, because I understand if you cannot, but whatever you do, please, live.
S.H.
Rain found itself inside his home. Like a permanent cloud was trailing him everywhere he went. Small whimpers escaped him before the pain finally escaped his eyes and his voice. He bawled heavily and wailed endlessly in the emptiness of his unfurnished house.
Why? What was he supposed to do know without his father? There was no home for him anymore. And there was no God. He knew this before, but now it was confirmed otherwise God would have spared his father and the pain he was forced to endure from that day forward.
He wanted more than anything to not be. Not there, not here, not anywhere. There was no place on earth for him to call home. There were only places, with soldiers, missions, and people to protect. Everywhere else was the same as it was in his village. People worked and worked.
Kakashi knew about loss. He’d seen it close hand, slowly coming without warning to take the people he slowly came to care about. He was all too familiar with the silence.
Now he was in his mid thirties. Along way from five. His ambitions? To serve the village until he was no longer needed, either dead or retired. Hobbies? He had plenty: his icha icha volumes, having his ninken around, sleeping too much or not at all, hanging around undisturbed on a spot where he is left alone for hours at a time, tolerating his grown students or former ones, now on equal footing. Procrastinating was a hobby, too. As well as getting people to pay for his food. It took careful skill and timing to leave at the right time. Those were his unique little pranks, to have his dear former students to become oblivious of his escape. or buy his funny made up excuses. See? he did have hobbies. It wasn't his fault people couldn't relate....
Several wedding proposals have traveled to the hokage's office and to his doorstep. He had no interest in weird women who never even met him. Kakashi wouldn’t budge ever even when when they offered their resources and other tempting offers for him and the village. He didn’t waver even when Tsunade promised to cut off his “ungrateful dick” and sent it as an apology for all his female suitors.
He might be old, but the concept of arranged marriages revolted his insides. It escaped his logical comprehension why someone would commit the rest of their lives to a stranger. He didn’t like strangers, yet he would have to share a bed with one? He didn’t like to share things and he didn’t like places that were unfamiliar to him. Sharing things...with strangers.
Mei even suggested, quite seriously and seductively if he may add, of them getting married. But he considered her too dominant for his liking, her need for things to be in her control at all times clashed with his un-subservient and aloof self. He even went as far as granting her request for a date, but he learned all too quickly that she liked to forcefully escalate things to the bedroom. Though, of course he didn’t refuse a night of sex, she came to voice her offended displeasure when she learned that he wasn’t trapped by her hot charms or immodest positions. Did he really, in any point, give her the impression that he could be won over so easily? They spoke of nothing while they had dinner. Overpriced food was left untouched.
Instead she licked her glossy lips while she looked at him like a piece of meat and propped her elbows on the table so her chest was in his complete view, and, and, brought up her foot to brush the inside of his leg. He was hungry, but not for sex...
If she wanted sex, she could have knocked on his door later. They didn't need to go on a "date."
He was not surprised by her and regretted ever sleeping with her because he had to withstand her cold attitude each time they had to meet. Hence, she, the stranger, withdrew her suggestion ever since she screwed him and then made him sleep in shabby places while his teammates slept in the guest tower with real showers and real food. The unfairness of it all....
He considered Shizune, but she was too normal for him. It was weird. She was like Ayame, except she could handle poisons and heal to some extent. Nevertheless, too normal and a bit boring.
Kakashi was glad that at least one of his not-so-normal friend got together with another not-so-normal friend.
Tenzo and Anko. Married and now living together in an apartment. Marriage had changed Anko. He didn’t recognize her from her usual blood thirsty sense of humor. It almost came as a shock when Tenzo announced that they were expecting.
It still made him go “wow!” each time he recalled him casually throwing it out there. Kakashi's eyebrows were already trained to hide behind his headband whenever he recalled the memory. Of course. Married life does that, it makes kids. It’s a consensual agreement between two to stay together through everything until the end. But, wow, Tenzo and Anko having kids before him? He was better than those two combined...Actually, no, they were the same messed up kind...all three of them were in the “most likely to be bachelors/and forever alone/ Tsunade club.”
If those two could get married, he held his chin, then so could he?
But who would he marry?
Who would he want to spend the rest of his life with? Who would be willing to spend their future with him?
A smiled curled upwards. He pursed his mouth together. No, he shouldn’t think it. Not even imagine it.
But he did. How could he not?
His smile lifted widely.
When he thought of her, he knew. She would be the one. She would be a home for him. A life with warmth and calm. He pictured an uncomplicated future with her. Sure, they had their differences, but he knew how to approach them.
But, would it be possible? Their history would make things complicated. Not for him at least. Maybe for her and for the village. He couldn’t be selfish and cause her trouble like that unless she was prepared to face those obstacles together with him. He was ready and willing. For her.
Kakashi wanted what Tenzo and Anko had. If they could do it then he could, too. Someone like him could have a happy, strong, and capable woman by his side to call him a husband in the most adoring way. A wife…
If he were to buy a ring, get down on not one, but two knees, like a beggar, like a praying churchgoer, would she say yes? Or was two knees too much? He wouldn’t mind. He wanted to be vulnerable in her eyes. To promise her with his actions, not only words, that he could be as faithful as he was loyal to his village.
The only difference was that the village wasn’t his home. It was only a place he swore to protect. He promised to live on and he is doing so in the best way he knows how. The only difference was that he didn’t love his village, he loved her.
When he pictured home he pictured her.
Home was a brilliant color of pink and green. Home was kind, selfish, stubborn, impatient, short tempered, fun, moody, and full of love.
Just like him. At some point in his life he was all those things. And somewhere along the way he burnt out. He could be there for her just as she would undoubtedly be there for him. If she wanted him. He wanted her and he wanted everything. Her love, her time, all of it.
Kakashi knew that she may feel close to burning out. But, no dam could possibly put her fire away. Hope lived in her eyes, and he wanted to live with renewed hope or have some borrowed from her.
He, too, could be strong, in a loving-affectionate way just as his father was with him in public.
He would show kindness to his children or child, if she wanted any from him, just as his father uncaringly displayed to him many years ago.
He could be like his father. Be the things his father didn’t get to be. Be even better. He would be alive for her and for their children.
A home for him.
Would she open the door and let him in?
His was unlocked, would she walk in?
They were comfortable with one another. He was sure of it.
Her company was enjoyable. She had fun with him, too.
He didn't want to be cocky, but he knew she had feelings for him.
She liked him, he was sure.
He knew that she knew that he had feelings for her, too.
Would she admit them to him, to herself?
Would she seek him like she did countless of times with the Uchiha?
All he needed was for her to find him once.
He wasn't difficult.