Shaky Steps
The meeting went on as expected, full of rowdy young adults and the stoic old timers with decades to their name, the newcomers sharing somewhat ridiculous shares, all but vomiting their emotions for everyone to see, their feelings so raw and vulnerable without a substance to numb it being so scary and overwhelming for the first good thirty to ninety days. There were some meetings that encouraged new comers to “sit down and shut up” but that kind of harsh thinking had begun to die out a little as more and more people began to die themselves. There were still those in the program who were harsh and definitely belittling, thinking that tough love was the only way to really get through to people, but now, at least in this area, more people were taking the kinder and softer way of explaining things, for the sake of not running people off.
Naruto thought of one of the first meetings he had been to when he had gotten out of rehab last year. A younger man was sharing, and basically bitching about how he didn’t want to stay clean, how the rules at the halfway he was at made him angry, and how badly he wanted to get high, the guy was making a mockery of the whole meeting and everyone looked uncomfortable with various levels of understanding on their faces. An old dude who had sat staring disapprovingly the entire time, looking angrier by the minute, interrupted him, and loudly just proclaimed “You want to go get high boy?” The young guy was shocked into silence immediately, as the old dude pulled out a twenty dollar bill, walked across the circle, put it in the guys lap, and then said “Then go on ahead.”
The younger man stormed out, with the twenty in his hand, and no one ever saw him again.
Naruto thought about that night often. He never went back to that meeting.
They exited the church, the sun long been set and as it was a pretty big meeting on that friday night, the clamor of so many people talking and making plans was damn near overwhelming. Naruto pushed through the crowd of people blocking the covered doorway, the chirps of bugs mixing with the profanity being thrown around loudly. Out of the big throng of initial people were various groups of people standing in circles of different friend groups. There were the younger preppy girls, probably with less than thirty days each, the older women and men, officially in the program cliques of differing committees and such, the guys that were in their thirties and forties, with a good many years each, and then just different friend groups all standing in the parking lot, damn near every single one had a cigarette in hand, and the smoke was choking to someone not already used to it.
Naruto made his way over to where Kiba was talking loudly to Neji and various other guys their age that Naruto couldn’t remember the names for to save his life. They all joked around and bullshitted for a good ten minutes before Neji turned to Naruto “Hey you wanna find Iruka so we can see if he’s ready to go.”
Naruto had almost forgotten about going out to eat, not even seeing Iruka during the meeting. He was probably just sitting in the back or maybe he had come in late. Iruka worked at a treatment center like the one Naruto went to, there were a few in the area, and Naruto was glad that he hadn’t gone to the one that Iruka worked at because most places had a policy of no interaction or fraternization between past “clients” and the employees. Lord knows what had to happen in order for such a rule to be made, but it made sense in a way.
Naruto walked a distance away and began looking around, finding Iruka talking with a group of newcomers, since Naruto had never seen their faces before, and they all looked worse for wear.
Iruka noticed Naruto approaching, and seemed to say goodbye to the little group looking up to him in admiration and walking towards Naruto, meeting him halfway to his starting point.
Iruka messed up his hair a little affectionately “Hey, you ready to go?”
“Yea, where were you thinking of eating? Neji’s waiting but Kiba kinda ran off, it’ll probably take a minute to tear him away.”
Kiba was always bouncing between groups, talking loudly to everyone as if he’d known them all his whole life and once he got going, it took a good few minutes to both find him and wrangle him into a car.
“I was thinking sushi? That place on Merimmon stays open late so I figured that’s a safe bet.”
“Hell yea, that sounds perfect, I haven’t had sushi in a while anyway, and you can give me some tips for my date tomorrow.” Naruto shot him a grin and a wiggle of his eyebrows.
Iruka laughed a little snort through his nose. “Please, you’re younger than me, surely you don’t need my advice.”
“Oh, but I do, you managed to tame Kakashi, you’re obviously some sort of guru in the area.”
“You know none of that was my doing, he wouldn’t leave me alone, I had no choice but to entertain him and by the time I was planning on getting rid of him, I liked him too damn much.”
Naruto laughed harder at that, thinking of Kakashi chasing anyone too hilarious an idea to not to, as they walked up to Neji who was on his phone close to where all the cars were parked.
Neji looked up “Damn, you don’t have Kiba? I just texted him that I was going to leave him if he wasn’t here in five seconds.”
Like he was fucking summoned, a running Kiba emerged from the crowd yelling “Please don’t leave me again! Fuck!”
Iruka and Naruto laughed at that while Neji was looking very satisfied with himself.
Iruka checked his phone then put it into his back pocket “Perfect, the gangs all here, sushi?” Neji and Kiba both let out various affirmations, Neji a bit more enthusiastic since sushi was his favorite.
They all piled in their respective cars, playing music, no one really talking save for a comment about the meeting in regards to who sat with who, who had relapsed with who, and so on. Naruto toned most of it out, knowing that those were people he had gotten close to, when he was new in the program and starved for genuine human connection, making friends with anyone who would talk to him or hang out with him, not knowing that it wasn’t a good idea at the time, being close with so many addicts was just setting himself up for heartbreak and abadonment, not that he knew it then.
They arrived, ate, apologzing to the server who was obviously ready to leave for the night.They talked about anything and nothing of real importance, as they were leaving, Iruka must have noticed how quiet he was, as Kiba and Neji made the way back to the car, and pulling him to the side.
“Hey, you alright?” Iruka murmured, a gentle expression on his face.
“Yea, just feeling quiet is all, thinking about my date tomorrow I guess.”
Understanding seemed to fill Iruka from the bottom up, as his posture changed, putting an affirming hand on Naruto’s shoulder.
“I get it, this’ll be your first serious date in a long time and a lot of things have changed since you’ve probably been on one.”
Suddenly Naruto couldn’t help but want to spill everything immediately, Iruka had that effect on people.
“It’s just, the person I used to be is so different than who I am now, and even back then, I never actually went on a date, or even cared that much about people for that matter, I just slept around and did what I had to do to get what I wanted. It was all about instant gratification, or manipulation, or just getting people to like me. That’s how I know how to go about this whole thing, sleep with him so he likes me, make him laugh so he wants to be around me, impress him so he might want something from me, and... and that’s not how normal people think, that’s not what I’m suppose to be thinking about right now. I just wish things could be simpler!”
By the time Naruto is done with his rant, his words are rushed and he’s almost out of breath, afraid that if he stopped talking for one moment, then he might never say what he actually meant.
Iruka only sunk deeper in his understanding, closing his eyes for a moment, looking at the ground and taking a deep breath.
“I understand that Naruto, that’s only normal, when you don’t have a pattern or way already worn, something you’ve practiced and done before, it’s terrifying and overwhelming, I get it. But you can do this. You can. All it takes is actually doing it. So what if you worry, so what if you’re nervous, that doesn’t matter. All that matters is the moment you do what you know you can.”
Iruka smiled softly and looked into Naruto’s eyes that were level with his, trying to forced to calming air into him if only through osmosis.
Naruto took a deep breath and smiled a little. Already feeling better, and damn how’d Iruka get so good at this.
“Yea, you’re right. The worry won’t matter when I actually just do it.” Already feeling more confident than he had all day, Naruto reached around and hugged Iruka, hard.
“Thanks Ruka, you’re amazing.”
Iruka laughed a little “Of course, kid, just say the word, and I’ll be there regardless, even if you make a mess of things.” He joked as they parted.
“Yea, yea, and be there to pick up the pieces, I know.” Naruto turned towards Neji’s car, a smile still on his face, “See ya ‘Ruka, love you!”
“Love you too, you anxious shit”
Naruto heard the car door shut and sauntered over to Neji, who was standing outside his driver’s side door.
“You good now?” Kiba called, poking his head out the passenger side window.
“Yea, now hop in the back, It’s my turn on shotgun, and don’t bitch about it.
Kiba crawled over the seat, despite the sound coming from Neji that said not on the seat you bastard
Naruto got in the front seat, fully prepared for tomorrow, feeling hopeful, and damn good about himself.