When the Dust Settles

After the war, the bodies are collected. 

Death does not discriminate. It takes what it wants and leaves nothing but heartbreak in its aftermath. 

45 that’s the number of dead bodies Kakashi finds himself carefully sealing into scrolls 

Kakashi remembers the day they stumbled across the 3 scrolls in Minato's bag. 

“Why just three when there are 4 of us!” Obito had asked. 

“Stupid if all 4 of us die, who’s left to bring home the bodies?” Kakashi wishes he hadn’t said that. Wishes that he hadn’t called Obito stupid then. 

He takes a deep breath and seals the next body into a blank scroll before carefully setting it in his bag. 

Minato is there because he’s always there, with his warm hand on Kakashi’s shoulder and those reassuring crystal blue eyes that are looking at him like it’s not his fault but oh god it is. Minato I’m so so sorry. 

Kakashi swallows down his apology because he's already apologized 16 times and it’s done nothing so far. 

No amount of “I’m sorry” will bring back the dead. All we can do now is move forward with them in our memories Minato had said and Kakashi had only nodded numbly. He didn’t add on where he wished that he could erase those memories from his head because it hurt. It just hurt so badly. 

He wishes a lot of things now, like how he wishes the scroll that contained Rin’s body didn’t feel so heavy in his bag or that he didn’t feel so sick and dishonest as he handed the scroll to her mother with rin’s blood still crusted under his fingernails. 

He wishes that Obito's grandmother hadn’t pulled him in so tight and told him it wasn’t his fault because it was wasn’t it? Obito died saving him.

Everything was always Kakashi’s fault. 

Minato tried, and failed, to convince Kakashi that it wasn’t his fault. That they died because of enemies and Kakashi was not to blame. 

‘You don’t understand,’ Kakashi wanted to say, to scream until his throat was raw, ‘you don’t understand! Their blood is on my hands’ and it won’t wash off. 

Kakashi doesn’t scream at Minato, instead he simply throws himself into his training, a routine to distract him. 

Wake up, eat, train, sleep, repeat. 

Often, Minato will invite Kakashi over for dinner and Kushina will fret over him probably about how a mother would, Kakashi wouldn’t honestly know. 

What he does know, however, is that he gets a warm feeling in his chest when she adjusts his headband or brushes his hair out of his face. 

Plus, her hugs are the best. 

There’s a hollow feeling in his chest when Minato tells him he’s been chosen to be the fourth hokage. 

“It’s an honor” Minato says. And it is and that’s the problem. Kakashi knows it’s selfish but he can’t help but wonder what about him? Will Minato still have time for him once he becomes hokage? Will they still go on missions together? Will Minato and Kushina still invite him over for dinner? 

Minato is barely in the office when Kushina announces that she’s pregnant and suddenly Kakashi’s chest is tight because a baby means no room for him. 

“That’s amazing news” Kakashi’s chest tightens further as the lie spills from his lips. 

The next day he accepts a B rank mission in the land of waves and he’s gone for 2 weeks. 

When he returns, Minato gives him another mission. A long term one. 

Watching over Kushina during her pregnancy is equal parts boring and uncomfortable. 

Mainly because nothing really happens except for when she takes his hand and presses it to her belly and he can feel the baby move. 

He feels nauseous when she says, “Little Naruto is sure an excited little fellow isn’t he? Man he’s gonna be such a handful” Kakashi nods because he doesn’t know what else there is to say. 

Kakashi helps Kushina pick out colors for the babies nursery and he does most of the painting while Kushina folds the endless baby clothes that the other Shinobi have given her. 

Mikoto Uchiha visits often and her and Kushina sit in the nursery and talk baby things while Kakashi keeps watch outside the room, watching for what, he doesn’t know. 

“I don’t think you should worry too much, Little Sasuke will have a good big brother to watch over him when he’s born.” Kushina says to Mikoto, “just like Little Naruto will have his big brother Kakashi to watch over him” she finishes and Kakashi’s chest really feels tight because him? She thinks he’s worthy enough to hold the title of ‘big brother’? 

Kakashi wants to burst into the room and tell both women that he, of all people, would make a terrible big brother, but he doesn't. Instead, he swallows hard and returns to writing his mission report. 

The day Kushina is due, Minato gives him the day off. 

“No, I should be there to protect her!” Kakashi wants to argue, but Minato is smiling. 

“Everything’s going to be fine Kakashi” Minato says warmly and confidently. Kakashi nods wirelessly and tries to smile back, but it feels wrong and doesn’t dissolve the lead that’s settled in his stomach. 

Something does go wrong and one minute Kakashi is at the training ground and the next the alarm is blaring through the village. He hurried to Hokage tower because that’s where he’s supposed to go and that’s when he’s told that the ninetails has broken loose. 

Suddenly Kakashi can’t breath, and he’s shoving and kicking at the Shinobi who hold him back and block the doors. 

“I’ve gotta go help Sensei!” His cries fall on deaf ears and the only response he receives is the barrier that’s thrown up in his face as the adults leave to deal with the demon fox, leaving everyone under the age of

18 locked inside. Unable to help. 

Kakashi beats on the barrier walls until his fists are black and blue and dripping with blood. 

Someone takes his arm gently and pulls him away. 

Its Gai. 

Gai pulls Kakashi into his chest and Kakashi sobs until his tears are dry and then he shuts down, and he doesn’t move or respond, even when Gai cleans his hands up and it stings, or when he bandages them slightly too tightly and it hurts, he remains quiet. 

The moment the alarm stops and the barrier drops, Kakashi is out, running as fast as his legs would carry him in the direction of the secret place Minato had taken Kushina to give birth. 

Gai is right on his heels and he’s shouting something but Kakashi can’t hear anything over the sound of his own blood rushing through his ears. 

He’s nauseous and both of his eyes burn and he actually vomits when he finally gets to his destination because they’re both dead. 

Minato and Kushina are dead. 

Kakashi collapses onto the ground and pounds his already bloody fists into the dirt. He lets out a wail that echoes off the trees. 

His only response is the sound of crying. Of a baby crying. 

Naruto!

Both Kakashi and Gai search around frantically, trying to locate the baby making the noise, upturning anything they could find. 

It’s Gai that finds the baby and Kakashi is next to him immediately. 

It’s a naked chubby little thing with a tuft of blond hair and Kakashi chokes back a sob when the baby opens his eyes and they are as blue as if he’d captured the entire sky in them. 

Kakashi reaches out a finger to poke at the baby and he stops crying and wraps his chubby little hand around Kakashi's finger and blows a raspberry. 

“Hey, Naruto. Its… it’s me, your big brother, Kakashi” he whispers, voice cracking halfway through. 

As he carefully lifts the baby out of Gai’s arms, Kakashi makes a promise to himself. 

He’s going to be the best big brother he can be.