Homemaker

Menma went through the motions of cleaning up and taking a shower after Genma left to inform the powers that be that Naruto had been found. As confident as he was in front of others, to himself he would admit that he might be in a bit over his head.

He hadn’t…. He and Jakushitsu had talked about having kids, but they’d both agreed that they weren’t in position to actually have any; they were both working for Jiriaya and the clan was in a bit of a precarious position and there wasn’t enough time. Now it was a little better, but during the war….

And now, he had a kid. Sending Naruto back to the orphanage was not an option in any way, even if he knew they would treat him fairly. He doubted his wife would object, and even if she did, she wouldn’t want to send Naruto back to being ostracized either. The Uzushio survivors had strong opinions about abandoning or mistreating children that pretty much boiled down to “don’t” and that went double if the kit was one of their own. On top of that, Naruto was the son of a woman who was known to be related to the family that had held the clan headship, meaning that he was technically the clan heir since none of the other survivors actually entirely knew how who was related to who anymore. It wasn’t guaranteed by any means, especially given the attitudes held by most of the elders, but when the kid turned sixteen, he would be the first one considered for headship according to tradition.

So. He had a kid now, by that logic. A miniature person to teach and guide and train up, and the most experience he had with kids was an afternoon here and there with little cousins (which included other clan kids, at this point). He didn’t have much of a clue what to do.

Well, no. Sleep sounded like a good idea, as did breakfast. And then….

Sleep first, breakfast second, clan worries later.

Menma woke up to weak sunlight and a thirty-pound warm blond lump drooling on his chest. He took a second to determine the time— early, but not ridiculously so. Time to get up, then. Wouldn’t do to make the Hokage wait.

He eased out from under the kit, tucking the blanket around him securely when he left the futon. A handsign and a subtle burst of chakra and the Shadow Clone left the apartment to go get a set of clothes for the kit, while Menma headed towards the bathroom. Normally, he’d head to the training grounds and run a few katas, but right now it was better to be readily available.

Fifteen minutes later, he was dressed and in the kitchen, putting on the miso to warm and adding a little bit of oil to fry up the rice along with a few vegetables when a soft noise by the hallway caught his attention and he glanced back to see Naruto freeze, blue eyes wide and uncertain. “Morning, kit. Hungry?”

He nodded, one hand clutching at the over-sized T-shirt he was wearing.

Menma gestured for the boy to come into the room, moving over to the cupboard for a mug. “It’s going to be a little bit before the food’s ready, but how does milk sound until then?”

There was a quiet noise of agreement behind him, slightly distracted by the business of climbing into a chair, and as he moved over to the fridge to fill the cup, he could feel the kit’s eyes following him, not distrustful as much as he was wary and confused. Menma put the mug down in front of him and ruffled his hair fondly. “It’s a little heavy, so use both hands, okay?” He moved back to deal with the rice and start working on the eggs.

There was another noise of assent and he glanced back in time to see the kit’s face mostly disappear as he took a swig, just as the front door opened and the clone returned.

Naruto’s eyes bugged out as he looked from Menma to the clone and back again, and got even bigger when the clone dismissed itself with a wink.

He snagged the small bundle of clothes and checked it over before he gave it to Naruto. “Go on and get dressed; breakfast’ll be ready by the time you’re done, okay?”

The kit nodded, then looked confused. “Those aren’t mine, though.”

“They are now.”

Wide eyes, again, as he hugged them to his chest carefully and Menma wanted to stab someone because no child should be quite so shocked by someone being kind. Instead, he nudged the kit into motion and watched him scamper out of the kitchen, quiet delight lighting up little features.

Menma considered the window for a moment, then cracked it open before he started setting the table and serving up the food. “Can I help you, ANBU-san?”

The canine-masked ninja tore his gaze away from the dormant seals around the window, a barely-noticeable hint of red in one eye, although when he looked up, one was closed with no hint of color in the other. “Hokage-sama wishes to see you at the earliest convenience.”

Menma nodded. “After breakfast is reasonable, right?”

“Yes, that will work.”

He hummed absently. “Want some?”

There was a long pause and then a slow, “No… thank you,” an edge of confusion to the otherwise flat monotone.

Menma shrugged. “Suit yourself. Careful with the seals on the way out.”

“Right. Thanks.”

It took close to an hour to get both himself and Naruto fed and cleaned up enough to be presentable, a process greatly sped up by informing the kit they were going to see the Hokage. The kit had brightened up a lot and started bouncing in anticipation to go meet “Jiji.”

Menma was very thankful the Foxes were waiting for him to Summon them to show up, mostly because that gave him time to find a way to convince them to not refer to one of the strongest ninja alive by such a familiar term. They would probably do it anyway, but at least he’d be able to warn the man.

It was not actually all that reassuring to be immediately ushered up to the Hokage’s… tea room, he would guess. More formal than an office all but buried in paper-work, but still intimidating, just in a different way, even if it was considerably less threatening. Then again, Menma had seen some particularly nasty business go down in high-end tea shops, so it was really about the same to him.

Naruto had been left outside with a few of the ANBU, more than happy to poke and prod the painted masks and, from what Menma had heard while entering the room, make up stories as to how the individuals had gotten them. Or maybe those stories were true, but he really doubted Hawk had gotten into an actual fight with a giant bird.

“Ah, Menma-kun.” The Hokage was smiling, looking a bit tired, but not upset at Menma as far as he could tell, which was always a promising start.

He bowed properly. “Sandaime-sama.”

Sarutobi clapped a hand on his shoulder in a grandfatherly fashion and then guided him over to the little table. “May I present to you Mitokado Homura, the shinobi advisor for civilian affairs; Nara Shikaku, Jonin Commander and Head of his clan; and Nakahara Ume, the current leader of the Civilian Council and current head of the orphanage. Gentlemen, lady, this is Uzumaki Menma, an agent of Konoha who worked under Jiraiya until recently.”

Menma bowed again, making some inane polite comment, privately wondering exactly how often the civilian and clan councils actually had a common goal to work towards. Nara looked thoughtful and vaguely intrigued, while Mitokado and Nakahara both looked as if they had other things they would rather be doing, even if they were trying to be polite.

Sarutobi gestured for Menma to sit on one side, while the others sat across from him. A bit intimidating, but it was a bit of relief that he wasn’t actually going to be facing down the Shinobi no Kami on this issue. He possibly wasn’t going to be facing down Nara, either, which was a similar relief. They might not be a noble clan, but they had the ear of one and a ridiculous intelligence and Menma would really rather not fight them in any fashion.

“Naruto-kun is well?” Sarutobi-sama asked, beginning to prepare the tea.

Menma made a polite affirmative noise. “A bit frightened when I found him, but much better now.”

“Found him?” Nara-sama asked, his tone that of idle curiosity, which Menma sincerely doubted was truly idle, at least if the shadow-nin’s reputation was anything to go by.

“I was on my way home and happened upon a four-year-old in the middle of a crowd of angry drunks. It didn’t sit well to simply leave the child there in the rain, so I took him home.”

“Why not back to the orphanage?” Sarutobi asked. There was something… odd about his tone, but Menma couldn’t quite place it.

Menma paused a moment, both to decide exactly how he wanted to answer and also to take a moment to admire the cup of tea handed to him. It really was a very pretty cup, the smooth white porcelain giving way to a rough texture and a tawny pale orange at the bottom, the body painted with playful designs of toads, snakes and slugs that made him smile quietly. It looked as if the toad was cheerfully trying to hug the snake who was, in turn, trying to hide behind the slug, who was trying to flatten the toad.

That was a pretty accurate summation of Jiraiya’s relationship with his teammates, from what Menma knew.

He gave the Hokage a shallow bow of thanks and took a sip, letting the flavors roll through his mouth, a light bitterness that slid smoothly to crisp earthiness. “Oh, that is good.”

Nakahara scowled in impatience, but the three shinobi blinked, Nara-sama’s eyes narrowing just the slightest bit, as the Hokage finished passing out the tea, put the utensils away, and sat down himself.

“As for not returning Naruto-kun to the orphanage,” Menma said mildly, “he claimed he wasn’t wanted there, so rather than walk half-way across the Village in a downpour only to be turned away or possibly leave him to be turned out after I had left, I simply took him home with me, intending to speak to Hokage-sama in the morning after the worst of the rain had passed.”

He took another sip, eyes closed in appreciation while he took stock of the room. The Hokage was wearily angry, while the Nara head was pissed in a way that made Menma incredibly thankful he wasn’t the one the otherwise mostly-lazy ninja was angry at. Mitokado was… indifferent, slightly frustrating, but less concerning than the distaste and truly ugly hatred he could all but smell from the woman across from him, despite the fact that she looked like nothing more than a polite grandmother when he opened his eyes.

He fixed her with a bland smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

She ignored him (rude) and sniffed. “Really, Hokage-sama, I cannot understand how I could possibly be at fault if a child leaves my care and simply refuses to return, especially one so prone to mischief as that… brat.” There were probably a significant number of alternatives to “brat”, but she was at least attempting to be polite. Or cover her backside. Same difference in this case.

“Yet the child was placed in your care,” Sarutobi said in a mild tone that didn’t fool Menma at all, “and as such, you still bear responsibility for him.”

“If he merely did not wish to return, I would not be so concerned, Hokage-sama,” the Uzumaki put in apologetically, “but he claimed that he would not be allowed to return, which I found….” He searched for a more diplomatic term than enraging and finally decided on, “unsettling.”

Mitokado-sama didn’t react, although he seemed somewhat resigned to the situation. Nara-sama’s eyes narrowed and he fixed the orphanage matron with a sudden unfriendly interest (didn’t he have a kid Naruto’s age?) and the Sandaime….

Well, Menma was really glad he wasn’t the one the old man was angry at. He had to give Nakahara some credit, though; she didn’t immediately fold under the absolutely furious wintry expression fixed on her.

“This is not the first time this concern has reached my ears, Nakahara-chan.”

Menma took another sip of truly excellent tea. Not a recent issue, then.

“Hokage-sama, the boy is a menace. We’re understaffed and overworked as it is. How we can be expected to keep track of one child who refuses to show up for one meal in ten—”

“Is entirely irrelevant. He was placed in your care until such time as he is able to care for himself, at least, yet I continually receive reports from both the Military Police and ANBU patrols that one child in particular receives considerably less consideration than any of his peers, despite the continual acceptance of the stipend you claimed was necessary to convince the caretakers to treat him fairly in the first place. And now I hear one claiming you have turned him out. My patience on this matter grows thin, Nakahara-chan.”

She was angry— so very bone-deep angry and hateful it made his stomach turn— and afraid as she realized that whatever plans she’d had were falling to pieces around her. More angry than afraid, probably counting on whatever protections civilians normally got from the village ninja and the fact that she had gotten away with it in the past. Regardless, it gave her a boldness he wouldn’t have expected as she shot up to her feet. “I will not offer the same care given to those orphans to the demon—”

The sudden weight of the Sandaime’s power dropped on her like a very non-physical avalanche. Mitokado and Nara-sama both visibly flinched and Menma was suddenly focused on reminding himself to breathe.

Which was probably how that snort managed to sneak out; his control was usually better than that.

Sarutobi-sama tucked his chakra away like the weapon it was, and fixed him with an odd look.

It was just…. It was such a laughable concept. “He’s not a demon,” he said, not even bothering to hide his amusement, experience giving a faintly mocking edge to his tone. “I’ve met a few, here and there, and if he was, he probably would have eaten all the other orphans already.” He fixed her with a very unfriendly look, amusement fading. “He’s a four-year-old child, one who seems remarkably confused when someone decides to show him even a hint of kindness.” He watched the white-faced woman with a predator’s lazy, half-lidded gaze, tracing the rim of his cup with a nail that was considerably sharper than it had been a few seconds before. He might have given her the benefit of the doubt previously, but she’d just called his little cousin a demon; there really wasn’t a way he could take that lying down.

“Menma-kun, if you please?” The Hokage wasn’t doing anything, but he was watching Menma very carefully.

Right, that… he should probably not look like he wanted to rip the woman limb from limb. Ridiculous, really, because that was one of the least efficient ways to kill someone—

He took a deep breath and forcibly shoved the line of thought that she was threatening one of his to the side. “Apologies, Hokage-sama.” Menma focused on his tea, even after the Hokage turned away from him, loosing track of the conversation as he tried to think about anything that didn’t involve murder, and normally it wouldn’t be so hard, but all he could see was a furious matron spitting out demon and his little cousin’s honest delight at being given something that wasn’t even really a present.

His attention was brought back to the room proper by a light tug on his chakra that had his eyes snapping up to the Nara clan head. Menma had to put the cup down and take another long, slow breath before he was reasonably certain he would not be snarling or that his voice would drop lower than it should be. “My apologies, Hokage-sama, Nara-sama, Mito—” Oh, he was gone, and Nakahara with him. That explained why he felt a little less murderous, at least.

The Nara head let out the most put-upon, long-suffering sigh Menma had ever heard— and he’d heard a lot in his life. “Stick with Shikaku, please. Nara-sama’s just too troublesome to deal with.”

He considered the other man for a moment— deep tanned skin, rough black hair pulled back into a high poof of a tail, pointed chin-beard, the two thin scars that trailed off the side of his face, and dark eyes that weren’t showing much of anything except faint amusement at the moment— and nodded once. “Menma, then. It’s only fair.” He’d spend some time mulling over why the shadow-nin was willing to be so informal so quickly, but later. Another breath, just to steady himself a little more. “I am sorry about that. Normally, I have better control. It was just….”

Shikaku-san nodded. “It’s unnerving when the hardened killers aren’t the ones being careless with someone’s life, especially when it’s about a kid.”

Menma let out another shaky breath. “Yeah. That.”

“A clan kid, at that.”

He looked at the other man, frowning slightly in confusion. “What does being a clan kid have to do with any of that?”

“Just that it tends to be more distressing when you’re related by blood to the child in question.”

Another breath. “True enough.” He didn’t think Shikaku-san was trying to insinuate something— he’d certainly been murderously angry about Naruto’s treatment himself— but he didn’t really know the man well enough to say for sure and he was hard to read, besides.

“I did want to thank you for handling the situation as graciously as you did,” Sarutobi-sama said, patiently, eyes kind and sad.

“As I told Shiranui-san last night, I understand the circumstances and I’m not particularly angry about it. I might make Jiraiya-sama’s life very uncomfortable for a while, but then I really don’t need a particular excuse for that.”

Shikaku starting coughing from almost inhaling his tea, while Hiruzen shared an amused glance with Menma.

“Be that as it may,” Sarutobi said, eyes twinkling, “there was intended to be an introduction between yourself and your cousin, but at the end of the month. Considering the circumstances of this meeting were an accident, we shall simply move forward as if your probation period has ended.”

Menma let out a quiet sigh of relief. “Thank you, Hokage-sama.”

“Council might not be too pleased, but no one’s going to kick up a fuss about it.” Shikaku rolled his shoulders. “Not in public anyway.”

For a moment, Hiruzen looked exhausted, but then he focused back on Menma and it was gone. “Do you wish to take Naruto in?”

“If he agrees to it,” Menma said with no hesitation or even real thought. “I don’t want to force him into anything he isn’t comfortable with.” If the kit would rather not, he’d work something out to make sure he was taken care of.

“He’ll agree.” There was a tinge of guilt from the Hokage. “He has been alone for a long time, and I….”

Menma waited for a moment, but the old man didn’t continue, just stared at his tea with a melancholic weight and guilt that left the Uzumaki with a strangely sympathetic ache. “Hokage-sama,” he said slowly, “if I may, I would ask how this happened. Naruto’s circumstances cannot be common.” If they were, he’d find some way to take the whole orphanage with him when he left the Village because that level of neglect was not okay.

“They are not. It is not something Naruto should have ever had to deal with, but….” Hiruzen sighed. “You have thoughts as to his parentage, I assume?”

“Unless some other Uzumaki I didn’t know existed managed to sneak into Konoha and have a child with someone else who had similar coloring to the Yondaime, but I doubt that happened,” Menma said dryly. “I make a point to keep track of the few members of my clan that are actually still alive.”

Hiruzen and Shikaku both looked at him sharply, but the Hokage simply continued. “After the Kyuubi Attack and the death of his parents, it was agreed that the best method to protect the boy was to simply pretend that there was nothing significant about him at all, and as such, he was placed in the orphanage, the same as every other child whose parents were lost that night.”

“There wasn’t anyone else who could have taken him in?”

Shikaku shifted slightly, old bitter guilt twisting his expression. “There were plenty, but the only choices that wouldn’t cause political problems weren’t exactly in the best place to raise a child.” He pressed his lips together. “Some still aren’t. The main problem was in the perception of favoritism; even if everyone on the Council knew the truth, that wouldn’t stop the whispers among those who didn’t know. There was also the fact that someone adopting an out-clan member isn’t something that’s usually done, especially into the clan head’s family, which is what would have been required to give the kid the kind of security he would have needed. That sort of a thing also would have drawn undue attention and been impossible to cover up without sticking the kid away in a closet somewhere.”

Menma grimaced sympathetically. He’d seen what happened when rumors of that nature were spread. He’d spread those rumors in some cases. “And drawing that kind of attention was the last thing anyone wanted.”

The Hokage sighed and looked at Menma with a sort of weary resignation. “We also desperately needed Jiraiya out gathering intelligence to avoid war with the other nations, which kept one person who would have been able to effectively deter assassination attempts and kidnappings out of the village.”

And taking the kit with him would have made things that much more difficult and dangerous for everybody, since they didn’t know there were any other Uzumaki out there. There was a reason none of Menma’s currently active comrades had children. Heck, Yamasuke still didn’t have children and he was an actual clan head. “That doesn’t…. Forgive me, Hokage-sama, but that still doesn’t explain the hatred. If anything, being the son of the Yondaime Hokage should have earned him respect.”

Hiruzen looked at him very hard for a long moment, still sad, but something deadly underneath. “No, it does not explain that. That began about a year after the Kyuubi attack; rumors began circulating as to how the Yondaime defeated the Kyuubi, that he sealed it within a child.”

“Well, yeah, you kind of can’t kill a Bijuu,” Menma said, entirely nonplussed. “They’re literally made of physical, spiritual, and natural energy. It really only makes sense to seal it away somehow. And a younger chakra network has an easier time adapting to foreign chakra melding with their system and that means you don’t have to find a new host in a decade or two unless somebody really screws something up.”

There was a moment of loaded silence before the Nara snorted and Hiruzen gave Menma a look that was utterly dry and amused. “If there had been any doubt remaining that you were an Uzumaki, that would have killed it. Regardless, most do not understand Fuuinjutsu on a more basic level, let alone something as complicated as jinchuuriki seals—”

Menma groaned, already seeing which direction suspicions would have gone. “Oh for the love of— possession doesn’t work like that!”

“Personal experience?” Shikaku asked dryly.

He was clearly joking, but Menma answered him seriously anyway. “I wasn’t the one possessed, but yeah.” Menma let out a very slow breath. “Poor kid didn’t know what she was asking for. Sometimes I really hate being a Sage.”

“I… have never heard Jiraiya come back with stories like that,” Hiruzen said, somehow managing to sound completely calm and utterly disturbed simultaneously.

“Well, yeah, most of the time, Sage is just a title to signify you can use Senjutsu; it’s only when you get to some of the older summoning clans that things start getting a bit different. Even then, the Toads have always been more focused on humanity than the other way around.”

“Is that something I’m gonna need to keep an eye out for?” Shikaku was looking at him warily.

“Nah, most kami tend to avoid ninja like the plague because chakra can kill them, and any that would be an actual danger tend not to care as long as no one goes poking them with a sharp stick, but I mean, why would you want to?”

“Is that from personal experience?”

Menma threw Shikaku a confused look. “Um, no? The last thing I heard about anything like that involved the founder of the Uzumaki clan tricking a Shinigami to binding itself to a summoning contract. Although the few records I have been able to find about that were really unclear as to what, exactly, she tricked into accepting that contract.”

There was another loaded silence before the Hokage returned to the previous topic. “Regardless, most civilians, at the very least, do not understand how such things work, nor do they have your… unique experiences, and rumors began to spread. It culminated in multiple attempted murders against several orphans, not just Naruto.”

Menma just stared at Hiruzen in mute horror.

“At which point, the Hokage decided the best course of action would be to confirm Naruto as the jinchuuriki of rumor and rope almost the entire village into an S-class secret.” There was a certain careful neutrality to Shikaku’s tone that piqued Menma’s interest.

Later.

“That’s….” He squinted, trying to remember the bits of Konoha protocol that Jiraiya had impressed on him, just in case something happened and Jiraiya wasn’t able to vouch for him. “Wouldn’t that remove normal protections for the civilians if they broke trust regarding that particular secret?”

“Yes. Took a few tries for what that really meant to sink in.”

Menma considered that, both the slightly terrifying reality to being in a Village and Naruto’s situation. “Well, that’s…,” a few particular adjectives crossed his mind, before he settled on, “wonderful.” He hesitated, because his next question could be considered dangerously forward but it needed to be asked anyway. “Would there be any objections, if I took Naruto in?”

The Sandaime’s expression was openly approving. “Not legally; some civilians will object regardless, but there is certainly nothing against a clansman taking in a clan orphan as long as the environment isn’t abusive.”

There was a brief spike of guilt as both Menma and Shikaku gave the Hokage a look for that last statement.

“It’ll go over smoother if your clan head agrees,” the Nara put in.

Was he fishing for information, or was it just growing up in the relative security of a Village? Regardless, “The Uzumaki don’t, uh, have a clan head.”

They both blinked at him in surprise.

“That would kind of require for everyone left to be in the same place and agree on someone. Which they aren’t and they don’t. Wouldn’t.”

Hiruzen paused to consider that. “That would make it a bit odd, especially considering the Uzumaki are still acknowledged as a clan in Konoha’s records, but considering the individual who should have looked after Naruto gave their full approval for the arrangement if you brought it up, any difficulties would be negligible.”

“If there was someone who could have looked after him, why wasn’t Naruto with them?”

At least the regret in the Hokage’s eyes was genuine. “Circumstances unfortunately kept him from being able to do so, as the village required his talents in ways that would make such an arrangement difficult and would incur danger to both himself and the child.”

“It was Jiraiya, wasn’t it?”

Hiruzen twitched.

“Not bad for a stab in the dark. I hope you have a training ground you’re not particularly fond of, Hokage-sama, because the list of reasons to break your student’s nose just keeps getting longer.”

Granted, if Jiraiya put up a real fight, Menma would wind up eating dirt, but Menma was more practiced with senjutsu and seals, not to mention his preferred method of applying seals in combat was hard to counter even if you knew what it was; he was more than capable of making the Sannin work for his win, not to mention being able to make his life difficult outside of it.

He might not even have to bribe the Foxes to bug the man around an onsen for the next few years.

“What would have happened if I hadn’t been here?”

Hiruzen sighed, genuine regret and frustration not quite in his tone, but plain to the Uzumaki all the same. “He would have been given an apartment and a living stipend when he joined the Academy next year. When he became a genin, he would have been informed of the Kyuubi. Informing him of his parentage would probably have waited until he was able to defend himself from those among his father's enemies who would be most willing to hurt his son.”

Menma was going to summon all his Foxes and bury the kit in hugs. He probably wouldn’t have simply been left to his own devices, but still. “I… suppose, that would have been the only feasible solution.”

“The ANBU will still check in, both because you are relatively new to the village and because of his status.”

“That… might be tricky.” The red-head tapped the teacup lightly, grimacing slightly. “The seals I put in to guard my apartment— and will be used on the house— are, well…. I’d… rather not put the entirety of ANBU into the seal key, and I don’t think they’d appreciate it either. Granted, they’re on the inside of the house, so the only problem would be trying to enter or exit, but in an emergency….” He grimaced

The other two exchanged a look. “If you were not an Uzumaki who had spent so much time outside of the village I would be both concerned and insulted,” the Hokage said mildly, “but as it is, I would like someone to know how they work and what to watch for.” He hummed. “Shikaku-san, for one, someone from ANBU as well….”

Menma hid a smirk. “And yourself, Hokage-sama?”

The old man busied himself with his tea, taking an innocent looking sip. “If you don’t mind, Uzumaki-san. Would tomorrow work?”

He laughed quietly and Shikaku snorted. “Sure, that’ll be fine. I was planning on putting the seals on the house a few days before moving in, anyway. Speaking of, do I have to register for a D-rank to get help placing furniture, or can I just bribe any off-duty Jounin to do it for me? ‘Cause that would actually be cheaper.”

“Bribe?” Shikaku asked, amused.

“A free seal packet, half off their next purchase, and a free meal, especially since, y’know, my wife’s probably gonna be here by the end of the week, as long as she successfully threatens Jiraiya into staying focused.” He pulled out the seal packet to let the Jounin Commander flip through it.

“Is your wife aware she’ll be cooking for a possible hungry horde of ninja?”

“Well, she will be, but I don’t think she’ll kill me for it, either, as long as she doesn’t have to do anything besides cooking. You’re both welcome to come, of course.”

“I think I might pass on that, the meal at least,” Shikaku said, with what sounded like genuine regret. “If I show up, I’d have to bring my wife and son, which would be okay, but Inoichi would invite himself and his family over, and he’d also probably drag Chouza and his family over, as well. Normally he’d be a bit more polite about it, I’m sure, but he works in Intelligence, he’s curious, and I’m pretty sure I heard him muttering the other day about how you were an Uzumaki, so you probably wouldn’t take offense to it. I have no problem with you bribing off-duty Jounin to do a D-rank, though they probably won’t take you up on it, no matter how nice the bribe.”

Menma huffed out a little laugh. “Eh, that’s okay. I really only need a couple. I can get the furniture into the house just fine. It’s putting it all in it’s proper place that requires the help.” He could, of course, just use clones, but that would be much less fun and completely ruin the barest hint of a plan he was formulating; it was a toss-up as to whether or not he'd need to bribe Genma into helping. “Feel free to keep the packet, though.”

“Sure, thanks.”

How someone who was one of the strongest shinobi alive managed to look so sad and pathetic was entirely beyond Menma. Especially since it worked.

He huffed out a laugh and slid a second sealing packet across the table for the old man to study.

Hiruzen perked up and gave an interested hum as he flipped from page to page.

Of course, since some of those tags weren’t standard for anyone who wasn’t a surviving Uzushio-nin, Menma ended up spending the next fifteen minutes explaining what the seals did and under what situations they might be used, as well as the differences between a free-cast and seal-based genjutsu, how to tell the difference, and how to effectively disrupt the latter since the technique was a bit different than simply disrupting your chakra flow.

“Oh, Uzumaki-san, before I forget,” Sarutobi-sama said, “did you wish to begin missions at the end of the month?”

He took a moment to weigh his response. “Not… necessarily. Eventually, yes, but it might be best to wait at least a few weeks to let Naruto get used to any changes in his situation. I mean, it doesn’t feel right to say, ‘Hey, you’re living with me now’ and then disappear for a week. Granted, my wife will be there, but… he wouldn’t know her. I mean, he doesn’t really know me, either, but he'll kind of be somewhat used to me?”

The Hokage hummed thoughtfully. “That is a point to consider. At the very least however, we can determine rank before it comes up.”

Should he actually go all out or try to keep himself to something unobtrusive? No one would buy chuunin, but tokujo could work for a fuuinjutsu-using spy. Something to think about later.

“Anything in particular I need to prepare for?”

Hiruzen looked at Shikaku, who rolled his shoulders in a shrug. “Considering the situation, there’s going to be some review of protocol and regulations and an assessment spar. We waived the normal mission requirements, considering your history.”

“Fair enough.” He might have to review a few things, but he highly doubted they were going to ask about minutiae buried way back behind all the other rules that were actually important. Maybe some, but not all that many.

They could use it to test his skill at gathering intelligence, but, well…. At least if they did that it’d be stupidly easy for him.

“I believe that is everything, then.” Hiruzen stood up. “There are a few bits of paperwork to deal with, regarding your adoption of Naruto, so if you’ll follow me, Menma-san, we can take care of that in my office. I think that’ll be all for now, Shikaku.”

“Not a problem, Hokage-sama,” the Nara said lazily, standing up himself and holding out a hand to Menma. “I look forward to seeing what you can do.”

Menma stood up himself and took the tanned, calloused hand firmly. “I look forward to working for you, Shikaku-sama.”

There was a faint, barely-heard sigh and the barest flicker of annoyance in the Nara’s eyes. “You’re going to be troublesome about that, aren’t you?”

The red-head put on his best show of innocence. “I was raised to be as polite as the situation calls for, Nara-sama.”

A last mutter of, “Yup, troublesome,” and Shikaku turned to leave, giving the Hokage a lazy salute on his way out.

Hiruzen dropped a hand on Menma’s shoulder. “Shall we?”

The last bits of paperwork filed away, messages written out and sent (with a thankfully respectful introduction between his main summon Akane and the old man and an additional warning to the Hokage as to what the Foxes were usually like), the last few pleasantries exchanged with the Hokage, and Menma found himself hesitating in front of the door to the room he’d been informed Naruto was in.

It was far too late to back out— not that he wanted to, really— but that didn’t change the fact that he was still half-terrified about the whole thing. He had never spent a lot of time around kids, an afternoon here or there with the few cousins he had, a few hours when he stopped by to check on clan members. He could be the fun uncle who taught cool chakra tricks or the stern uncle who helped explain why the kids weren’t allowed to do certain things, but he’d never had to raise a child. Was he really ready for this?

No, but could he live with himself if he just walked away?

That wasn’t an option. He knocked softly on the door to let the ANBU know he was coming and peeked in.

Naruto was standing in front of a seated ANBU, comparatively huge armored hands resting on tiny ones, each twitching occasionally as one tried to avoid getting slapped and the other doing his best to catch him off-guard.

“Do you think the Nidaime liked ramen?” The tiny blond asked with all the seriousness of a four-year-old.

“I don’t see why not.”

“Do you think he picked his nose and ate the booger?”

“Uh, wha—”

There was a weak smacking sound and Naruto crowed his victory.

“Ne, kit, why are you beating up ANBU? You’re supposed to pick on people your own size.”

Naruto spun around squawked indignantly as Menma came into the room, insisting that he wasn’t beating up Hawk and that the ANBU was awesome, y’know, and— not… there. He just stopped and looked adorably confused by the empty air beside him.

He crouched down next to the kit. “Well, Hokage-sama probably had something else for Hawk-san to do now that we’ve finished talking.”

“Oh.” Naruto looked down and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “Does this mean I have to go back to the orphanage,” he asked in a small voice.

“Only if you want to.”

Wary and curious blue eyes looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

Menma glanced down and back up and wet his lips. “I mean, if you want to come and stay with me, you can do that instead.”

Naruto stared. “You mean… really? Like, like a normal kid with a mom and a dad and everything?”

“I can’t give you parents, Naruto.” He wouldn’t do that to Namikaze-sama or Kushina-sama. “But would an Uncle and Aunt work?”

“You mean it?” The kit sniffed, eyes wide and wet and lips wobbly.

“Yeah, kit.”

A tiny little blur smacked into his chest and the only reason Menma didn’t land flat on his back was because he had half suspected it was coming and braced himself with chakra. Naruto clung to him and started bawling, thanking him over and over and over again and promising he’d be good, that Menma wouldn’t regret this.

Menma just sat down, pulled the kit into his lap, and held him close until the tears slowed down. “Ready to go home?”

Naruto nodded eagerly, fingers curling tightly into Menma’s haori and pressed himself just a little bit closer.

“Alright then. That’s what we’ll do.”