Apathy
August 6st, 21XX. 20:00
>All my meditation, Chakra control, and hand signs training was useful after all. I have remastered the basics, and some other low level jutsu. I'm positive my Chakra pools are bigger than when I was seven in my past life. If my reserves continue growing, in about eight years I will become capable of using part of the Susanoo without dying from Chakra exhaustion. There is a problem though. I couldn't use my Sharingan. I know I have it. I can feel it. Yet, when I directed chakra to my eyes, it didn't appear. I̶ ̶f̶e̶l̶t̶ ̶r̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶e̶d̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ I have to discover what's wrong with my eyes and fix it.
>I haven't had the opportunity to test how illusions work against people here. The thought of using people close to me as test subjects leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I'm reluctant to ask my parents for help. Based on the indirect experiments I have done, it seems the civilians close to me aren't able to distinguish anything in areas where low level genjutsu have been used. On the other hand, suppressing my chakra or using genjutsu doesn't work completely. Even though genjutsu hides me visually, Father and Grandpa are able to feel my emotions no matter what I do, so other Quirks with tracking abilities may be able to do the same. As soon as I go back home, I will start researching Quirks more seriously. In a world where everyone has unique abilities—in a totally different way than in the Elemental Nations—, it is inevitable to get caught off guard, but I want to be as prepared as possible. I lack information, and that's dangerous. Before, I had memorized hundreds of jutsus, it made it easier to know how to dodge/escape whatever was thrown at me. Now, I have to start all over again. Once I discover how to get out of my parents' sight without worrying them, I want to scout the city… Although maybe I need to wait until I know my jutsus won’t fail me… then again, they probably will, I have shitty luck.
>I have determined that it isn't possible to have a completely accurate reading of people's personalities and emotions through their energy. Personality sometimes relates to the element and sometimes it doesn't. Element sometimes relates to Quirk and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes what I feel makes sense, but it is too contradictory. It wouldn't help me in a fight. For example, Tanaka-san feels like Earth, but unless I know him I won't be able to know if that's because he has an Earth quirk, or if that's because he has a stable temperament, or if that's simply the world's wim. The discovery doesn't dishearth me much. Even though I lost time, I had fun. I̶'̶m̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶a̶c̶e̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶s̶t̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶o̶k̶a̶y̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶e̶n̶j̶o̶y̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶.̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶////////// ̶b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶ /////////// ̶s̶o̶ ̶a̶v̶e̶r̶a̶g̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶t̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶o̶n̶e̶.̶ I wasn't very good at sensing emotions through Chakra in my past life anyway. It isn't a big loss.
>Writing what I do and feel is helping me greatly. Even though people and places remind me of the past, I don't overlap the images from my memories into reality anymore. The nightmares have mostly stopped, but…. It will eventually stop, I'm sure of that, but… I don't feel I'm making enough progress. Seven years have passed fast, but it certainly isn't little time. Since I couldn't activate my Sharingan, there is no way to know what dangers await my family. I have to be prepared. I know I am trying harder than before. I hated training when I entered the academy, and I was only good at hiding. Now, I would say I'm genin level. I'm obviously stronger. That doesn't mean it's enough. Hatake-san graduated at 6, Shisui and Itachi graduated at 7. What I'm doing right now it's just the bare minimum for strong Shinobi, and that strength level didn't save my friends.
The sound of steps in the hallway distract her from the coded journal, and the door to the office opens slightly.
“You are almost out of pages,” says her mother while entering the room. “We can go out tomorrow and buy you another journal. Daisuke-san has not brought you to Niigata's shopping district, has he?”
“No,” Chieko closes her diary, the one Kaito-oji gave her last year. She has been following his advice, and the notebook is filled with everything she does, thinks, and feels. “What are you searching for?”
Her mother caresses the books, reading the titles and humming “Nothing specific,” she takes out a random book and walks toward the desk where Chieko is writing. “What has been your favorite book?”
They talk about Grandmother's collection. Chieko has not read much in her time there. Even though she likes to read, she mostly used the room to meditate. Her mother, on the other hand, has spent a lot of time in the library. Apparently, each time they have vacations and come to Niigata, Hiroyuki spends his time with his father and neighbors while Yua stays inside reading.
The similarity between Chieko and Yua in this situation is amusing. It is nice to see they are at least a little similar… After all, it is something that has been bothering her. She looks physically like her parents, but she isn't like them. They didn't get to educate her or teach her morals, and…
Morals. It's one of her biggest concerns. This world is good and kind—it has its own cruelty but it is better than the Elemental Nations—. People here make her want to belong, but she can't be as kind as her mother or as friendly as her father. Chieko doesn't feel the need to help others unless they are related to her. She wouldn't have become Mirio's friend if it wasn't because they are cousins and she felt responsible for him. She wouldn't have become Izuku's friend if Grandfather hadn't told her to try and be friendly with the other children. She wouldn't have become Tamaki's friend, hell, she wouldn't have been nice to him if he wasn't Mirio's friend. Sometimes she looks around her and feels displaced.
As promised, Mother takes her to Niigata's shopping district. The stores are less crowded than in Musutafu, and vacations are almost over so tourists are scarce. That, next to the fact that she can feel everyone in a four block radius makes her feel safer outside. There is no risk of anyone sneaking up and stabbing her in the back. She knows it is safer here, her parents go out all the time, yet each time she went out, there was that fear creeping inside of her… It doesn’t matter anymore anyway.
As always, they walk holding hands. It wasn’t something she did before. Hatsu didn’t have an adult who would walk with her, and it would have been weird (she would faint, god, how would she dare to do something so bold ) if she did it with Shisui. Now, it’s just something she enjoys. There is nothing better than feeling the people you love close to you. It’s also something she had to get accustomed to. No way in hell the adults in her life would let her walk on her own. They know she can mostly take care of herself, but that doesn’t stop them from worrying about losing her in the crowd as if she was a normal child. She would ask them to stop if she didn’t like their attention so much.
The walk through the city is relaxing. Chieko prefers to walk around her grandfather’s house, surrounded by nature, but the shopping district is not bad either. There is more pollution than in the rural area her Grandpa lives in, but being closer to the sea, there is a distinctive smell of sea water. The stores all have bright announcements and the establishment’s windows shine with the sun. Families walk around enjoying the warm climate and heroes patrol the area with smiles on their faces. Their eye-catching costumes make her want to laugh. It is ridiculous to see adults wearing spandex and spikes. However, after seven years living in this society, Chieko understands their purpose better.
Whatever the reason for joining the profession, heroes are supposed to be flashy and reassuring people. They not only beat criminals, their presence alone must make everyone feel safer and happier. Although observing them walk around doesn’t make Chieko any more safer than usual, the hold her mother has on her hand is softer when there are heroes visibly around, and so she appreciates their existence. If only they didn’t “inspire” her friends to risk their lives...
Mother takes her to several of her favorite libraries and tea shops. They buy more journals (with pretty sea and animal covers), and colored pencils. Yua actually offers to buy her a canvas and paint, but Chieko is not truly an artist—the drawing abilities she has only a must from missions where she had to specify and show a target's physical appearance—, so she refuses. After that, they spend their time wandering around, and walking into any establishment that calls their attention.
...
It starts with a familiar feeling.
It's not the hope she has become accustomed to feeling here, nor the background guilt and despair left from her past life. It's not like the great anguish she felt that last year in Konoha.
It's an old feeling.
One she hated but learned to appreciate.
Each time she faced an enemy. Each time she fought and bled and made others bleed… Killing intent. Or at least something similar to it.
(So were her experiments wrong? Can she feel emotions? Maybe she is being paranoid… or maybe the emotion has to be strong to be recognizable. Or she has finally gone insane)
Chieko's mouth tastes like ashes and her pulse starts to pick up, preparing for battle. She doesn't let the danger—or imaginary danger— phase her. This time, she will act accordingly. She will act as the soldier she is.
Breath once, twice. Calm down. Okay. She can do it.
Among all the little life forces in the area, the big ones (heroes, she easily notices) almost cover up another one. It's not big enough to be noticeable at a glance, nor is small enough to have a weak presence. What drags her attention to it it's the fast and angry way it twists. It twists and swirls, without direction or control. Each second moving faster and faster, feeling as if it is about to leave the person's body. It's difficult to describe, and maybe she is exaggerating. After all, she already knows how difficult it is to read life energy, how different it is from reading chakra. It could simply mean anger or hatred, not necessarily a desire to kill. Maybe it just represents the person's quirk.
Nonetheless, experience has taught her, like to any other shinobi, that ignoring her instincts is not a good idea. And right now, her body is in fight or flight mode.
She makes the rational choice and convinces her mother to leave the shopping district as soon as possible. Hopefully, it will be nothing, and if it is something, then at least they will be far gone and whatever happens won't affect her mother.
Yet again, Hiroyuki thanks whichever God decided to give him his quirk. After all, if it wasn't for his power, he wouldn't be able to see anything amiss right now.
His girls get home safe and happy. Yua looks as beautiful and calm as always, and Chieko—wearing a small smile on her face— brings inside the plastic bags with everything they bought.
He has always known his daughter is a great actress. This is just one of those times he is reminded of it.
While Chieko's behavior shows perfect normality, her feelings tell another story. Fear, worry… She is on edge, waiting for something to happen. It's not an entirely new feeling, Chieko has a habit of worrying too much and her dreams aren't clear of such feelings either—he would know, after all the sleepless nights they spent in her room, trying to help her—, but this time it's different. It is more important somehow.
Hiroyuki tries to act naturally because either Chieko is trying to ground herself in the normality of life or she is trying to get the message "I don't want to talk about it" across. Whatever the reason, it’s obvious she doesn’t want to touch the subject. He doesn’t want to force her again. Although that first time they forced her to speak ended up more beneficial than detrimental, it doesn’t mean it was the right approach. They have to let her know they are interested in everything she has to say, in everything she is, and then give her the freedom to choose what to open up about. Forcing her again could end up breaking the trust they have built these past years. Even among family, trust is not something that should be taken for granted.
His efforts to look inconspicuous are, as expected, useless. Hiroyuki's family is made up of a woman who knows him more than anyone, the man who raised him (who also has an empath quirk), and his daughter who can read people better than a detective.
By the time dinner is ready, everyone is aware something is wrong. Hiroyuki and Yua, already accustomed to uncomfortable situations where Chieko doesn't want to speak, eat their dinner and fill the silence with small talk. Mostly, they try to distract Chieko by speaking about other things, which could encourage her to speak about what's happening to her. Daisuke, significantly present in their lives but not part of their daily routine, has not been introduced to the rules the couple made when something like this happens. He is the one to break the fragile distraction they provided for Chieko.
“Chieko, dear, what is making you feel so afraid?” the question stops all conversation. The couple holds their breaths, waiting for an answer or a bad reaction.
Chieko's mask breaks. Her eyebrows furrow in a regretful expression, and her eyes avoid looking at them. Guilt. Shame.
“I don't really want to talk about it…” Hiroyuki, and therefore Daisuke, feel the resolve of her answer. They won't be getting any answers today.
That night, everyone goes to bed with heavy hearts and restless minds.
“..isaster in Niitsu…”
“10 deaths, 13 injured and coun...”
“...the heroes doing?...”
“...Student saves fami…”
“...Incompetence at its highe…”
“...nstable man with...”
The news arrive a week later, and it's the only thing anyone talks about. The gist of it is this: a villain attacked Niitsu city, which is very close to Niigata. There were injured, dead, terrible material damages, and a hero student doing his internship was the one to take down the villain. The reliability of the heroes on site is being questioned, the Hero Commission is making heads roll (the amount of negligence from police and heroes was insane), and also taking the opportunity to show off their new promise child: the Wing Hero, Hawks.
All of it is a source of gossip in Niigata, which doesn’t really surprise Hiroyuki, humans tend to be morbidly curious like that. It makes it even more terribly fascinating to know that the same villain was in Niigata a week ago, so practically everyone brings up the subject at least once in a conversation. Hiro would like to say his only concern is the almost deathly meeting with fate everyone at the shopping district had last week. For the love of God, his girls were there just a few days ago. That should, by all accounts, be his only concern for the next few years.
Too bad life is not that simple.
Chieko has been feeling scared since the time they came from their shopping trip. She tried not to steer too far away from them and forced them (in an unexpectedly straightforward manner —“Please don't go anywhere, I'll feel better if you stay here”—) to stay at home. It wasn't a big problem. They had to put aside some of their vacation plans, but it was nothing world-changing. Their break was almost over anyway and a few days of doing nothing could be a good way to rest and prepare for going back to work. The problem was that as the days passed, Chieko didn’t get better.
Hiroyuki had multiple conversations with Daisuke and Yua, trying to figure out a way to help her. Suffice to say, all of their conclusions weren’t viable. Asking her to speak with them would be fruitless, stress her, and make her feel guilty for not telling them anything. Taking her to a formal psychologist (because as much as Hiroyuki studied, he is Chieko’s family, and there will always be certain things she won’t want to tell him because of that) is a definitive no because 1) They don’t know anyone reliable enough to keep her secrets and 2) There is no way their daughter will trust a stranger with her secrets.
So they just did what they have always done: be there.
It left them with a bitter feeling of helplessness, but it was all they could do.
Now, Hiroyuki would like to say their presence helped her, but she didn’t start to feel better until the villain was caught, which...well, gives him a lot of crazy ideas he definitely doesn’t want to think about right now, or ever.
Too bad life is not generous either (he will remind himself later when he gets out of the endless cycle of self-defeating thoughts, that life is not always like that).
He can’t stop thinking about Chieko going back to normal after the villain was caught. He can’t stop thinking about the way her soul relaxed with relief and without surprise. Most important of all, he can’t stop feeling her complete lack of interest towards the incident’s casualties. The apathy, the clear familiarity with the situation—as if she was used to seeing catastrophes like that—. Daisuke is worried too, and let's not talk about Yua, who is about to explode from sheer impotence— “No, you definitely shouldn’t ask her if she knew. Do you have any idea what those simple words could imply?”—.
Sometimes it truly seems like their daughter’s sanity is hanging by a thread.