think about your reputation
It was just before the dawn when Hashirama was supposed to be on the other side of Konoha, but he was late again. The reddish sky was turning purple and barely enlightened the dusty streets. He almost forgot that he was supposed to meet Hase in one of the better restaurants. He still had his Hokage gown and Hokage hat on because he didn’t have time to change. He couldn’t even tell Madara where he’s going because he was afraid that it would only drive a wedge between them and Hashirama was trying to keep Madara calm. He was happy for every day when Madara didn’t look like he wasn’t sleeping, when the sockets under his eyes weren’t turning dark blue and when he didn’t sound like he could break down any minute. The wound after losing Izuna was still bleeding and didn’t heal at all. People said that after a year of losing someone, you live in some sort of a limbo, in a dense mist surrounding you.
These were the injuries Hashirama couldn’t heal. All he could do was to listen and give Madara time and compassion, but not pity as Madara hated when Hashirama pitied him. For Hashirama, Madara was living one of his worst nightmares – to be the sole survivor of the family. He still had Tobirama to whom he clinged to. When the wind was blowing, when the hurricanes came, when the forest fires happen, when the water flooded his room, when all the catastrophes happened at once, he had someone to go to. And it was his lovely younger brother who would help him clean the lumber and all the wreck. But Madara didn’t have anyone like this, so Hashirama volunteered. And if Hashirama’s presence made Madara at least a little less lonely, than Hashirama felt like everything was worth it.
Hashirama finally entered the restaurant where Hase was sitting. She didn’t look quite as delighted as he hoped, probably because she was waiting for Hashirama for a few minutes now and sipped her water slowly. Hashirama felt ashamed for making the lady wait. He wasn’t like this and he knew that he was supposed to come first and wait for her. He came to her table and bowed down.
„I’m so deeply sorry for the delay, Hase-san. I had to be at the meeting, but I’m glad I could see you today,“ Hashirama smiled wanderingly.
Hase looked at him, unforgivably. „Hashirama-san, good evening,“ she just said and noticed that Hashirama looked all over the place.
„I thought we could get to know each other before the marriage,“ Hashirama nervously laughed and took a place opposite from hers.
„That is a good idea. So, tell me, were you with the certain Uchiha instead of getting ready to see me?“ she asked simply.
„What?“ Hashirama breathed out. „There was no Uchiha at the meeting,“ Hashirama specified.
„I feel like my father made you marry me,“ Hase said.
„No, not at all, I find you very fair and pleasant to be around,“ Hashirama smiled. It was true, but these things didn’t necessary mean that he wanted to marry her. He didn’t want to, but it was hard to say no and risk the Hyuugas won‘t join Konoha. And she was quite pretty, although not his type.
„You don’t act like you are very fond of me,“ Hase reminded him and Hashirama had no idea what is going on in her head. She could despise him as far as he knew.
„I hold you in a very high regards,“ Hashirama was trying to avoid the hard conversation. He didn’t want to lie but he also didn’t want to destroy the union between Konoha and Hyuuga clan. And if this was the only way to make peace with Hyuugas, he would gladly accept it.
„What do you feel?“
„I feel like I need to get to know you. Most of the people I adore I‘ve known since childhood. It takes time for me to know the person. I’m a simpleton as my brother says and I tend to see the good in people, overlooking the bad. I’m the worst judge of the character so I need to be very careful,“ Hashirama squinted his eyes, but didn’t ask Hase the same, perhaps because he was too proud to ask her the same. He didn’t want to know neither.
„I don’t think you should be afraid. If you long for someone else, I don’t believe that my father should decide your life. He will retire soon and my older brother will claim his position,“ Hase informed Hashirama.
„I don’t long for someone else,“ Hashirama gave her a friendly smile. He felt like she was trying to read him, like she saw right through him, into his guts, saw his insides and could tell what was going on. The naked, shameful and unfortunate truth. Hyuugas were feeding on his doubts and Achilles heels. Did he live just for the expactations of others? Was he so afraid of the shameless rumors? They were pulling out deep secrets he was hiding even from himself. Hashirama couldn’t let them do it and it was safer to keep it inside, dig a hole for it, bury it once again in an unmarked grave and let it rot. Until there was nothing left but bones.. And then, maybe then, he could be safe.
Hase ordered grilled pork and Hashirama ordered udon. He was trying to keep the small talk going, while staring into her white, vacant eyes that seemed distant. It was like a freezing winter suddenly came to Konoha. He could only think of aching homesickness while he was spending time with her. She talked about their palace and about how she wants to be an academy teacher. Hashirama was telling her how Konoha came to be and how hard it was to design the Hokage gown because it wasn’t supposed to be his. At the end of the night, he paid, led her home as a good man should. It wasn’t particulary boring, but it wasn’t interesting either. Hashirama would need much more sake to enjoy himself with her.
--
That night, Hashirama sat in his bedroom’s window. It was a late Spring night yet Hashirama couldn’t forget what the Hyuuga leader said. It was tattooed in his brain whenever he allowed himself to look into Madara’s eyes, whenever he talked to him. The words were still on his mind. Was he disgusting? Would he disappoint everyone? Tobirama would never accept it, he would rather have another brother dead than this. The village beneath his feet was sleeping. Only a few lights were still on as wives were waiting for their husbands to come back from the restaurants. The wind was in his long hair. There were seconds when he wanted to jump out of the window just to stop being ashamed. To smack his head on the concrete so he wouldn’t have to feel foul. He cried, plenty of times, after the Hyuuga approached him. His vocation was to protect the village, even from himself or his failures. He was still to marry Hase who did not move him like Madara did. But as long as he kept it secret, as long as he didn’t tell anyone, as long as he didn’t marry Hase, he could hope that things will go the way he wanted. But even if they did, how would he tell Tobirama? How would he tell Konoha? How would he tell the Fire country representatives? How would he tell the whole world? It was a winless fight. They would cast him out.
The door opened and Madara entered with a bottle of sake and a scroll. „I brought you your scroll, from your… Future wife, I convinced her to give it back,” Madara stated first and put Hashirama’s scroll by the wall. Now they will trip over it again.
Hashirama smiled, but his smile was not real. Something was happening. „Thank you, Madara,” Hashirama said. He was pleasantly surprised that Madara was so kind to bring him the thing he held so dear. He didn’t ask how much he paid her, but Hashirama thought that.. A lot. But it was still a very beautiful gesture.
. „You are quite wistful last weeks, aren’t you? Is it because of wedding?“ Madara asked with a light smile. He still hoped that Hashirama will tear off the patch and stop the stupid idea the Hyuuga clan had.
The Moon was enlightening the room. Hashirama looked at Madara’s features under the grayish light and smiled, but there was something hollow about his smile, something gloomy. Madara looked almost divine. His eyes looked like another set of stars on the crystal clear sky. „Actually yes. I’m not happy about it,“ Hashirama announced.
„Why not?“ Madara carefully asked with a light breath of hope.
„Because I love…“ Hashirama stopped himself from talking. Madara would laugh at him. The whole Konoha would laugh at him, damn, even he would laugh at himself. „Because I don’t love her.“
„You don’t know her, you can’t possibly love her, Hashirama,“ Madara said with compassion.
„Do you think I should marry her?“ Hashirama asked. He wanted Madara to forbid the marriage. He wanted Madara to stop it, he wanted Madara to tell him to be his.
„It is your decision, Hashirama,“ Madara breathed in deeply. He didn’t understand why can’t Hashirama just decide for himself? What if Hashirama in fact wanted to get married and have children with any female? Maybe it was damned from the start because Hashirama wanted something he couldn’t give him.
„I don’t want to, but then, what’s left?“ Hashirama said with a forced smile. He knew what was left, but it was so out of reach for him.
„Then don’t marry her if you don’t want it, Hashirama, you’ve tortured yourself enough,“ Madara said while grabbing the contracts from the table. He slowly ripped it apart. He thought that Hashirama will stop him, but he did not.
It wasn’t much, but it was enough. Hashirama nodded and smile dat Madara, „you are right. I can’t do it. I could never love her.“ Then he looked at Madara, hoping that he will tell him something that would warm his heart.
„Why can’t you… Anyway?“ Madara asked with a bated breath and he made a step towards the window where Hashirama sat.
Madara was now close enough for Hashirama to touch him. Hashirama stopped, put his hand on Madara’s shoulder and with one movement he pulled him towards himself.
You know what the people are whispering…
Think about your reputation
It’s easily ruined and hard to build.
Think about your reputation
Think about your reputation
Think about your reputation
Think about your reputation
It’s easily ruined and hard to build.
It’s easily ruined and hard to build.
Hashirama then kissed Madara’s forehead. „Because I don’t have the money to support family, my dear,“ Hashirama answered his friend’s question. The fake excuse sounded like a fingernails stratching a chalkboard to Madara.
„I see,“ Madara said and pulled away.