He is not expecting the
Knock on his door
When it
Comes
Or the
Words that
Break
Him.
“It can’t be,”
He says.
“He wouldn’t
Do that!”
Do what,
Sandaime asks.
Iruka
Glares.
“Leave
Me.”
It’s an
Answer as much as a
Command, and then the
Hokage is gone, a
Shadow in the
Light.
Iruka closes the
Door and
Doesn’t know
What to
Feel.
His friends try to
Talk, to
Ask if he’s
Okay.
Do you
Need anything?
Are you
Sleeping?
At first he’s
Honest,
Tears up and
Shakes his head - then
Turns them away with
Promises they
Don’t know (but
Must
Suspect) are
Empty.
Then he
Refuses to
Reply. He
Learns to
Smile against he
Pain.
“Of course,” he
Says.
“I’m
Fine.”
All
Lies.
But his
Friends -
Asuma
Anko
Izumo
Kotetsu
Naruto
Gai -
Won’t
Leave
Him
Alone.
He gets
Angry.
He doesn’t
Want them to
Know that he
Cries himself to
Sleep, that he
Sometimes can’t sleep at
All for the
Nightmares that
Haunt him.
He doesn’t
Want for them to
Know that he’s
Too
Sick to
Eat.
He
Wants them to
Stop
Asking because it
Makes him feel
Weak.
(He’s been called
Weak before,
Weak because he
Cares - but he’s been
Told that same
Weakness makes him
Strong. Now the
Speaker of that
Encouragement is
…
Gone.)
Weak because their
Questions bring to
Light that he’s
Not
Okay. That he’s
Struggling.
Suffering.
Lost.
Lost without his
Pillar of
Strength, the
One who
Supported him as he
Followed Naruto’s
Guiding
Light.
He
Pushes them
Away.
He doesn't
Want their
Help, doesn’t
Need it. He
Shuts them
Out. He
Yells. He
Tells them he’s
Fine.
(It’s no
Wonder they
Don’t
Believe him, only
Watch him with
Sad
Eyes.)
The
Nightmares
Continue. Every
Night is another
Death - but the
Same death, the same
Helplessness.
He
Prays. He
Goes to shrines and
Begs. He falls behind at
Work, in his
Home,
Chores piling
Up for him to
Complete - that he never
Will.
The
Next time Kotetsu
Asks, Iruka
Throws a
Punch. He
Regrets it
Immediately - but also
Doesn’t, is just so
Done, so he
Runs.
Runs back
Home, runs from his
Friends, runs from his
Feelings. What
Else is there to
Do?
He shuts
Himself
Away. Without
Him
There, where can Iruka
Find
Meaning?
When the
Clouds remind of
Lazy
Cuddles and
Pastel
Colors remind of
Laughter and
Fond
Frustration,
How can he
Bear to be
Outside?
But Iruka isn’t
Stupid. He
Knows he’s on a
Dangerous
Path, knows
He
Would not
Want that for him.
Iruka
Talks -
To his
Friends, the
Sandaime.
A
Counselor.
He goes to the
Memorial Stone and tells
Him.
“Maybe,” Iruka thinks,
“He can
Hear me.”
He
Talks to
Naruto.
Iruka
Wonders if he’d
Forgotten that his
Boy was mourning
Too.
He
Apologizes. Naruto
Says there’s
Nothing to
Apologize
For.
Gradually things
Improve. Iruka goes
Back to
Teaching, and he
Finds he’s
Glad to be
Back.
(Maybe he
Should have come back
Long
Before this.)
But
Even
Though he can
Walk outside
Again, that doesn’t
Mean he’s
Ready to
Face his
Friends.
Naruto doesn’t
Quite
Understand - but he
Helps Iruka
Avoid the people he
Should be
Talking to.
Apologizing
To.
More time is
Spent with his
Kids, the
Students who have
Captured his
Heart.
Without
Him, there is more
Time for
Ramen with
Naruto.
(It takes some
Time before that
Feels
Okay.)
Iruka makes a
Point to
Visit the
Memorial Stone
Once a
Week. he
Doesn’t have the
Strength to
Visit
His
Empty
Grave.
(He
Still needs to
Clean the
Apartment they
Shared, but he
Has no
Strength for that,
Either.)
But
Laundry still needs to be
Done; Iruka
Gathers his
Courage and
Begins the
Process of
Separating the things that
Aren’t his.
Everything is
Washed. All that’s
Left is to
Put them
Away. But
Holding
His
Clothes -
His
Shirts,
His
Pants,
His
Masks -
Only brings
Torment.
It
Aches, a
Deep
Pain that
Comes with the feel of
Cotton at his
Fingertips - and the
Memories of
His
Smile, the smile
He let
No one
See except for
Iruka, the smile a
Taunt. A
Tease.
A
Promise.
(A promise
Kept yet
Broken, leaving
Shards of a
Heart bitterly
Familiar with being
Shattered.)
Eventually, Iruka
Decides that he
Can’t live in
Squalor anymore. He
Ties
Back his hair,
Shoves
Up his sleeves, and
Gets to
Work.
(The Academy is on
Holiday, so he has
Time. a
Lot of time - two
Weeks, in fact.
It takes him
One of those to scrub
everything.)
Then he
Finally visits
His
Grave -
And nearly
Dies of
Shock.
There,
Standing in that familiar
Slouch, grey and
Red trained on the
Headstone, is
He who’s
Name the headstone
Bears:
Kakashi.
Alive.
Iruka must make a
Sound - maybe a
Squeak or
Groan or
Desperate mimic of his
Racing
Pulse - because
He -
Kakashi -
Turns to
Look at him with those
Mis-matched eyes
Wide and
Just as
Shocked.
Iruka, the Copy Nin
Breathes.
“Kakashi?”