life goes on
things aren't better but they are.
a paradox but also the truth. gaara will perhaps never fully recover from everything that's happened to him.
but he can deal with it now. he can deal with it in a way that doesn't involve punishing himself, that doesn't involve blaming himself for something that was never- could never- have been his fault. the dark thoughts don't plague his mind every moment of the day now.
he can play with his nephew, hold his son, look at himself in the mirror. he reaches out to lee.
gaara had avoided speaking with him ever since that horrible night. when he tried his best to have sex with someone he knew wouldn't hurt him and failed miserably.
(wouldn't not couldn't. an important distinction. most can't hurt gaara but lee can. he won't though.)
lee has a child of his own now, adopted just like shinki. his name is metal. gaara thinks he's delightful, just as strange and strong as his father.
gaara tells lee the truth and his friend cries for him. he apologizes for pushing him out of his comfort zone and gaara explains that it wasn't lee that pushed but himself. he apologizes for putting lee in that position. they both tell the other to stop saying "i'm sorry" and agree to forgive each other even if they don't think the other needs forgiving.
they start writing each other every week and suddenly rock lee is his favorite person in the world. guy and kakashi visit suna during their travels and give gaara a very strange shovel talk. he doesn't know how to explain his and lee's relationship so he doesn't try.
gaara explains to lee that he's not sure if he'll ever be ready to have sex. lee, in typical fashion, is very optimistic about this. he says it doesn't matter if they do or not because he will love gaara regardless.
gaara starts working on loving himself that fiercely. it's an uphill battle. he knows all the strategies and coping skills, but putting them into practice is hard. he tries, though. he tries everyday. he journals and practices distress tolerance skills and talks to his friends and family about his feelings. sometimes he does well and other times he fails spectacularly.
he keeps trying though. he doesn't give up even when it's difficult, even when it feels impossible.
he's still hounded by nightmares and flashbacks and panic attacks. but he can manage them most of the time.
the man that hurt him doesn't rule his life anymore. gaara rules his own life now. even when he fucks up or breaks down or blows up. he can handle it. he does handle it.
it's his life after all.
and no one can take that from him.