"You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself, it's time you won." - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova in Once
It was Christmas eve and the village was decked with lights. The cold air was forgotten as people took to the streets to enjoy the night. There was a small fair arranged and both couples and children alike flocked there. The popular Konoha couples were there too, Naruto and Hinata were currently slow dancing on the ice as the populace looked on. It was all the more romantic when the first specks of snow landed on Naruto’s red scarf-the one Hinata had knit for him last.
But Beauty was not here tonight. Sai frowned as he searched the crowd for the pretty blonde. He spotted Temari and Shikamaru talking as they strolled lazily, Chouji and Karui sharing cotton candy but he could not see Ino anywhere. Her absence unsettled him, as he perched over a roof to watch. An uneasy feeling creeped up his chest and suddenly all he wanted to do was find her, look at her and make sure she was okay.
Perhaps she was at the flower shop. Impulse seized Sai and in less than a few seconds he found himself racing through rooftops to reach the Yamanaka shop, only to find the shutters drawn with a basket of daisy’s mixed with mistletoe and bows placed outside.
“May you find happiness, take a daisy with you.” Said the handwritten note over it.
The basket was still full, and Sai had to wonder how no one had noticed the treasure hidden here. It was right there for everyone’s taking, but no one seemed to want it. These flowers were beautiful, fresh and sweet against his fingertips, but they were not Ino. He picked a daisy and a strand of mistletoe, gingerly tucking them into his pocket before continuing his search.
The training grounds were empty and on the way he spotted Sakura kissing Sasuke in the dark. The Uchiha had sensed him and flared his sharingan for a brief while. But Sai didn’t want to fight. He just wanted to find Ino. And so he asked the couple in the middle of their make out session,
“Have you seen Beauty?”
Sakura looked at him incredulously before shaking her head. “Not since the afternoon. I left the hospital early today, she offered to take my shift so I could meet Sasuke.”
“Thank you Ugly.” Said Sai as he took off towards the hospital. He didn’t notice Sakura get angry or Sasuke look on with amusement.
The hospital was decorated well, especially the children’s wards. Sai could sense Beauty’s chakra everywhere. He knew at once she’d been the one to bring in the Christmas tree in the lobby, that she’d arranged the flowers in every room, that at least a few of the gifts settled beside each sleeping child was from her. A warmth spread across his chest in an emotion he could not recognize. A little girl at the corner bed poked her head up just then.
“Hi Mister.” She said, putting her hand in her mouth. By reflex Sai came close to her and bent down to look at her.
“Hi Puny.” He said seriously. The little girl giggled and gave him a daisy.
“For me?” he asked in surprise.
“Yes!” she said happily. “Ino said I could give it to anyone I want.”
“Beauty, is she still here?” asked Sai at once.
The little girl shook her head not once questioning why Sai had referred to Ino as Beauty. She rubbed her eyes sleepily as she yawned.
“She went home after tucking me in. I pretended to sleep so I could see Santa.” She said. “You are Santa aren’t you?”
Sai felt a soft blush creep up on his face. The little girl looked so earnest.
He nodded. “Yes, I am one of the Santas.” he said.
“Yay!” said the girl flopping back on her pillow. “I saw Santa. I am sleepy now.”
She closed her eyes and was out like a light. Sai didn’t know what pushed him, but he pulled the covers over the sleeping form and tucked her in. Then making sure everything was alright, he stealthily leapt out of the window and rushed to Ino’s house where he finally found her.
Sai was perched across the window, hidden behind the thick branch of a tree. With practiced ease, he hid his chakra as he looked on. Even though he had been trained not to feel, the sight before him made his chest clench. He couldn't label it, he didn't know why something hot was bubbling up in the back of his throat, he didn't know why his hands were clenched around the kunai, eager to kill anyone who was responsible.
He saw her choke on her sob as she collapsed to the floor. There was no one else home and she had been crying harder every minute. Sai couldn't see her face anymore and that made him feel ... different. She was weeping heavily now, her chest was heaving and he could tell she was parched. Could grief kill a person? Sai couldn't remember. She sat up and buried her face into her drawn knees and continued to sob silently. Sai couldn't explain what he was feeling, but his chest was hurting, his skin itched to reach out and touch the crying girl. When she didn't look up, and his trained ears caught a soft whimper and hiccup, he found himself feeling a different kind of pain. His whole body hurt and he knew he had to do something or he felt like he would die. His body moved off it's own accord and he found himself tap against the glass on her window.
She stopped crying instantly, drawing her kunai quickly. It was a testament to how seasoned a kunoichi she was that Sai could no longer see the traces of tears trailing her cheeks. Perhaps it was a henge she cast. Any other time, Sai would have been impressed.
"It's me, Sai." he announced before she threw the weapon. Confusion etched her face as she looked at him through the window. He let his chakra flare so she could recognize it, knowing she was a sensor. It worked as understanding filled her eyes and she came closer to the window to open it.
"What's wrong Sai?" she asked at once, wiping her face on her sleeve. "Do you have a message for me?"
"No message Beauty." he said and marveled as a soft blush colored her skin. "I need your help with an emotion." Somehow it didn't feel right to tell her he'd seen her crying just yet. Considering her actions, since he announced his presence, she clearly didn't want him to know.
Ino paused at his words. "Oh!" she said hurrying to open the window properly. "Come in, come in." she welcomed him inside and herself hurried to the bathroom. "Sit down Sai, I'll be right back."
Sai took a seat on the small bed, where she'd been curled up and crying mere minutes ago. The pillow was wet and he could see spots of water on the floor. The ache was back in his chest, he really wasn't lying when he told Ino he was feeling a new emotion.
Beauty had been helping him retrieve his memories and emotions every week. She had done a good job breaking down many of his mental walls. But sometimes, Sai would remember things and the memories would overwhelm him. He'd discovered physical pain last week on his own and memories of all the battles he'd fought had crept up on him. He had felt as though his nerves were on fire, making him feel every muscle tearing shuriken, the dizzying sight of a pool of his own blood, the katana that almost split him in two back in Suna, the stabbing needles of rain in the Mist village, the torture he'd suffered at the hands of Danzo. He'd woken up screaming at the hospital one night.
Ino had been by his side within minutes. He remembered seeing her look tired, with her hair dishevelled and thin body dressed in pajamas and a t-shirt. He was screaming when she'd entered his mind without his having asked her too. She felt warm, like a salve on his wounds. Her presence didn't hurt and she seemed to drown out everything else. She found him curled up, surrounded by memories of pain. She crouched down and hugged him, closing out all the ear-splitting voices in his head. They'd experienced the remaining memories on pain together. He wondered how Beauty had gone through with it. He knew, once inside his head she felt what he did. And if she did, she did so without comment and shielded him from the worst of it.
When it was finally over, it was late in the morning and Ino collapsed on the bed beside him. Sweat glazed her forehead and she was severely chakra depleted. Sai had called for help, his head felt dizzy and his limbs shook, but his heart clenched so badly when he found Beauty's breathing was getting slower.
Sakura had stepped in instantly and helped Beauty get better. She had chastised her when she awoke, telling her she couldn't risk her life for Sai every time. His chest had ached at that too and he found himself agreeing with Sakura. Beauty should not be doing this for him or anybody.
"Stop this Beauty," he'd told her when they were finally alone on adjacent hospital beds, saline drips on both their wrists. "You must not die because of me."
Sai could never forget the way she smiled at him back then. She looked into his eyes and grinned. "I'd do it every time Sai." she said merrily. "You're my friend. A precious one. If I die trying to save you, I'd have fulfilled my purpose."
"No." he'd argued. "You can't. I can't..."
"Alright." she said agreeably. "How about the next time you feel something intense coming on, you come find me? Triggers can be everywhere Sai and this can happen anytime, but if you ever sense something is not right, I want you to find me and let me know. That way I can get inside your head and figure out how to free you and keep you from getting overwhelmed. All you need when an emotion is discovered, is for me to cast a slow release jutsu on it. So it unravels over time and doesn't hurt you. Promise me you will, Sai?"
Sai snapped out of his thoughts as Ino returned from the bathroom. She looked tired and her eyes were red and puffy, but that meant she had got rid of the henge. She trusted him. A little bit of the ache dulled in his chest and he found himself left with a growing heat of rising bile on his throat.
"What do you feel?" she asked concern etching her pale face. She'd brought a large bottle of water and was drinking it in huge gulps. His chest loosened a little more when he found she wasn't hiccupping anymore.
"My chest, it clenches and there is a bitterness in my mouth." he said clenching his knuckles as he recalled the feeling when he'd seen Ino on the floor crying uncontrollably.
"Is it heartburn?" asked Ino frowning when Sai shook his head. "Can I go in?" she asked, but Sai was already nodding. He needed her, the confusing state of his mind was making him dizzy. He needed her, needed her close, needed her safe inside his mind, where he could make sure she wasn't crying.
It was a new feeling, she was always the one who saved him from his demons, but now he wanted to cocoon her in his head so she would be safe. Whatever had hurt her in the outside world could not get close to her here. Ino made the hand signs and said softly, "Shintenshin no Jutsu". The jutsu completed and Ino's limp body fell against his chest. He cradled her close, unable to explain why he needed to.
He watched as the sparkling golden presence of Ino in his mind spread far and wide. She found an unruly burning colour of red and she closed in on it.
"Sai? Why are you angry?" she asked, casting a slow release jutsu on it. The redness dulled and the fire stopped spitting embers but it continued to simmer. "I see a lot of anger. Something must have triggered it. Could you tell me what it was?"
Sai was about to when Ino spotted a flame of blue darting past her. It was a fleeting presence, but there nonetheless. She caught it with the palm of her hand. "Sadness, but this is a small piece. Come on Sai, show me the rest."
He led her to a dark corner of his mind. It was dark blue and full of memories. "Sai," said Ino as she let her warmth spread. "This emotion you are feeling, the clenching of your chest, it's sadness. How long have you been feeling it?" she asked.
"Today, a few minutes before I knocked on your window." he said. “And last week when Ugly said you almost died because of me.”
"Oh," she said in understanding, her golden light thawing some of the memories. She stood shocked as she came face to face with the tiny darting blue memory.
She saw herself in it, she was crying, hunched over, tears streaming down her face. He was watching her from a distance, shaking with anger at who had done this to her. He wanted to kill them, to make them suffer. She was on the floor now, grieving so hard, she wanted to die. His chest was clenching uncontrollably with grief. He felt pain and hurt knowing she was in the depths of sadness.
"Oh Sai," she said softly casting the justsu on the blue pile and releasing the mind transfer. She returned to her body, but retained the position of her head against Sai's chest. They were both breathing deeply, tired from the sudden chakra exertion.
"Are you alright Beauty?" he asked quietly. He expected Beauty to be upset he'd seen her. "I am sorry."
"I am okay Sai." she said closing her eyes. "I am not upset you saw me, I just wish you didn't have to see me like that."
"Who hurt you Beauty?" asked Sai, eyes darting down to catch her blue ones.
She couldn't help it, she felt tears well up in her eyes again. "No one did Sai. I've been overwhelmed lately by a lot of things." she said leaning back so she could look at him. He continued to keep his arm around her shoulders, somehow unwilling to let her go.
"What things?" he asked no longer caring if he was being nosy.
She sighed a little. "It would have been my Dad's birthday today. Every year, he'd call me his little Princess and we'd cut a cake together. He'd let me blow out the candles and make a wish. He used to say all his wishes were that mine would come true.
Mom had to be with her sister this month, and it's the first time I've been truly alone since Dad died. I couldn't go with Mom as I had a mission...I haven't seen Shika or Chouji in months...Sakura invited me to her wedding with Sasuke...and I just..." she stopped. "I haven't been taking care of myself. I've been working extra shifts at the hospital and the interrogation department, just trying to keep busy. I don't remember when I last ate and I ... God Sai, I am finding life so hard right now."
"You're lonely." he said, finally understanding.
Ino wiped her eyes before the tear drops fell. "Yes."
"You're not alone Beauty." he said standing up and offering her his hand. "I am here."
I always am. He wanted to add.
She smiled at him, a genuine one that reached her eyes and Sai found a warmth spreading across his chest. "Thank you Sai," she said taking his hand and standing up. “Come on, I’ll make us something to eat, I am starving.”
Sai followed her to the kitchen and helped her cook a small meal. They worked in silence for a while, with him helping her chop the vegetables and she setting the fish to grill and rice to boil.
“I’ll put on some music.” Said Ino when the silence stretched too long, and switched on the radio. The empty house seemed to light up at the sound.
Elvis Presley’s Can’t help falling in love with you started to play and Ino blushed. “I really like this song.” She said, getting back to stir the gravy pot.
Sai did not know what inspired it, but he took Beauty’s hand in his own and asked, “Would you like to dance?”
She froze, shocked at his words, before returning the ladle to the sauce and turning back to look at him. “I’d love to.”
He’d learned how to dance before. Everyone at the Root was taught at some point with the expectation that they would need to perform seduction missions. Sai couldn’t remember if he had ever been sent on one, but he remembered how to dance.
He held Ino close by her waist and as she rested her hands-on shoulders, he found himself moving to the music, guiding Ino’s body with his own. She was tucked against his chin, her sweet smelling hair tickling him ever so slightly. With her in his arms like this, safe and warm, the clenching in his chest disappeared completely and was replaced wholly with a glowing warmth.
“Merry Christmas Sai,” she said looking up to catch his eye. “Thank you for coming here tonight.”
She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “I was spiralling today Sai, you saved me.” She siaid. “I wish I had some mistletoe.”
“I do,” said Sai taking out the tiny branch and daisy from his pocket.
“Sai…” said Ino looking at him with a mix of delight and shock. “You went to the shop?”
“I went to the hospital and the fair too. I was looking everywhere for you Beauty.”
Ino wrapped him in a tight hug and Sai’s hands moved to hold the mistletoe over them. He didn’t know why he did it, but he bent his head ever so slightly and caught her lips with his own.
For a brief second he was worried she would pull away. But she didn’t she cupped his face and kissed him back. The whole world seemed to melt away at that, and Sai brought both his hands down to pull her closer. Her lips were soft and tasted of honey. She was a nervous kisser, her slight tremors an indication of her inexperience. He broke apart when he sensed she was losing her breath.
“Beauty,” he said tucking a strand behind her ear and looking into her eyes. “I think the sauce is ready.”
That earned him a laugh and a gentle punch to the chest. “Oh Sai,” she giggled as she went back to the kitchen to switch off the stove.
When she turned around, he kissed her chastely. Her heart fluttered and her breath seized.
“I’ll set the table.” He said knowing she hadn’t been eating well.
They sat down at the table, to a simple dinner of miso soup, gravy, rice and grilled fish. It wasn’t a Christmas dinner at all, but she wasn’t alone and she couldn’t remember the last time she ate anything other than crackers and water.
“This is good.” She said as she tucked in quickly as her stomach growled. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was.”
He nodded, starting his own meal. He found that when he was with her, she ate better and she smiled. He liked that. She felt less lonely with him around. She wasn’t crying anymore and she’d let him kiss her. She’d danced with him. He wanted to do all of this again. Everyday if he could.
“Beauty,” he said when they were done with their supper and he was helping her dry the dishes. “I want to be here for you.”
“Sai?” she asked, turning to look at him.
“I want to do this often, I – you take care of yourself better when I am there.” He said. “I want you to keep your smile.”
She had to kiss him after that. The soapy dishes forgotten she linked her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his. He responded instantly, guiding her mouth with his own, teaching her to part her mouth and share the taste.
“Beauty?” asked Sai, expectantly. “Can we?”
Ino nodded. “We can.” She said. “We’d be a couple, are you ok with that?” she wanted to be clear about their relationship.
“Like Sakura and Sasuke?” he asked seriously.
“Yes, but better.” Said Ino.
“I can take you out to the training fields and kiss you when the fireflies light up the sky?” he asked sincerely.
“You can take me anywhere.” She said sealing the promise with a kiss.