Shits about to go down.
Three years. That's how long had passed since Izuku'd gotten kidnapped and blackmailed into joining the "biggest menace to society in the world," according to Deidara.
He was incredibly childish, for being nineteen.
Izuku had turned eighteen in July, and Deidara had turned nineteen in May.
They were sitting on the floor of the base, eating bread. It was really good bread. Tobi made it.
"I didn't know Tobi knew how to make bread," Deidara said.
"He didn't. Sasori taught him." Izuku heard the story of his uncharacteristic niceness from Tobi too many times for his liking.
"Really? I thought Sasori didn't care enough for that."
"Apparently he has a soft spot."
"You're going on a mission," Sasori said. He loitered in the doorframe, arms crossed and hat tilted down.
Deidara and Izuku glanced at each other.
"Both of us?" they said.
"Yes, both of you." He turned from the doorframe, back facing them dramatically. "Meet Pain in his office. I don't like to keep people waiting." He walked away.
Deidara got up first, then waved to Izuku to come along.
"We need to go meet Pain."
"What the heck is that asshat's real name, anyway?" Izuku muttered, running after him.
"You will be trying to kidnap the Kazekage of the Sand Village." Izuku wondered what would happen if he put a magnet by Pain's face.
"The guy Izuku had a crush on?" Deidara asked.
Izuku turned red.
"NO I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON THE KAZEKAGE- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO IT IS!"
Deidara laughed.
"Is there a certain plan we need to follow?" he asked.
Pain sighed.
"Make one up. Just succeed."
"Will we need to kill him?" Izuku asked.
"I said kidnap, right? So listen to directions."
"That's what my mom used to say," Deidara muttered.
"Same."
"If I get compared to your mothers one more time I'm making Sasori come with you. Now go."
Apparently Pain knew how much they didn't like Sasori.
Izuku and Deidara nodded, did the Attack On Titan salute because they were nerds, and left.
Walking through the hallway was when Izuku came to a certain conclusion.
"Are we going to need food?"
"Of course." Deidara looked at him weirdly.
"How much food? How far away is Suna? Won't most of the journey be desert?" Deidara sighed as Izuku kept muttering.
"The journey should be two days if we're slow, and we'll need two days worth of food."
He looked very proud of his math.
"Really?" Izuku said sarcastically. "I couldn't tell. I guess we'll need four foods."
"Meals, you mean?"
"No. Food items. Bread, a box of cereal, et cetera."
"You couldn't have just said that?"
"Let's just go."
The journey was short. The food items were eaten. A plan was made. It was simple, really.
Izuku would take out the guards, and Deidara would fight the Kazekage, knock him out, and bring him back to the base. If needed, Izuku would help in fighting.
(But knowing Deidara, he would use the Kazekage's one known weakness: the village.)
Then Deidara would make a bird and fly back.
The end.
They'd discussed it on the way there, and most of it was Izuku's. Deidara was very proud of coming up with the bird part.
They executed the plan. (GET IT?)
Izuku ended the lives of all of the guards at all of the entrances with Black Whip. There was a wall all the way around the city, so the entrances were just holes in the wall.
"Well, this is it," Deidara said at the last entrance. Izuku blinked.
"What?"
"Well, we don't know what'll happen." Deidara shrugged, looking to the side. The moon glinted oddly off of his eye, and his hair blew in the wind.
Izuku made a face of confusion and grabbed the skirt of the Akatsuki robes he'd been given. Then it dawned on him. He looked up. His eyes were wide.
"You mean you might. . .?"
He nodded.
Izuku let his hands lazily fall to his sides. His head dropped and eyes half closed and blurred for some reason and breathing and thinking and he couldn't think the word "and" played over and over in his mind and and and and and an s ndand and and and sndand and ad nsa dndjs anandnn jna ndjn sjfhrukai
The words blurred.
"-zuku. Izuku. Izuku." Izuku quickly snapped out of it, and looked up at Deidara, who was grasping his shoulders tightly and who's eyes were wide.
"Sorry. Panicked," he laughed, scratching the back of his head. But upon closer inspection, Deidara was panicked as well.
His eye was wide, and his face was contorted in a sort of soft pain.
"D-Deidara-kun?" Izuku said. "A-are you okay-"
Deidara, in a single motion, pulled him into a hug and pressed his head into his chest.
"I don't want to," he said. Izuku stood stunned for a moment before returning the embrace. Deidara usually hated being touched and physical affection as a whole, but everyone knows that's just a lie every touch starved person tells so they don't get hugged for more than thirty seconds and start crying.
"Don't want to what?"
"Die."
A soft "oh" escaped from Izuku. Of course, it was obvious. Nobody truly wanted death, just different circumstances in which they could be happy. Even a suicidal maniac like him.
"Can we switch?" he asked.
"What?"
"You fight? I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, I can't do it, this sounds selfish, I'm sorry, I can't do it-"
"I'll do it."
Deidara was silent for a moment.
"Really?" he asked. Izuku nodded.
"Yeah."
A pause. Neither wanted to let go. They both really liked feeling loved.
"But I don't want you to die, either."
"Dei-kun-" new nickname unlocked, I guess- "neither of us are going to die."
Izuku felt him smile.
"You promise?"
He nodded.
"I promise."
He resisted the urge to say "I swear on my life."
Izuku, quiet as a bullied kid in middle school, hopped from house to house, until he got on top of one of the tallest buildings.
He was to yell something Kazekage-provoking, but he would need confidence for that.
Usually Deidara would do this. . . he thought.
"Don't be mean," King said. He'd gotten used to having a voice in his head by then. "He literally just had a breakdown."
So did I. Shut up, dickhead. I'm gathering my strength.
"You know what? I'm done."
Wait what.
A bright light emerged from Izuku, causing him to see colored spots in the shape of Africa. It was purple-ish.
Then standing there was a figure. It looked like a biblical angel, with thousands of silver eyes and rings made of brass probably instead of a body.
"God damn is that your true form?" Izuku asked.
"No, but this seems to give a lot of nonbinary people with goblin energy gender envy so here we are," he said. "Why don't we just go into his office and pick a fight with him there, then discreetly kidnap him? Or bring it outside if we need to?"
Izuku sighed.
"That's a really good idea," he whispered to her. She disappeared back in to his mindscape.
And he ran.
The Kazekage's office was really boring.
It looked like the Hokage's office but more depressing.
Izuku suddenly remembered he had a mask in his pocket, and he put it on. It was like an Anbu mask, but completely flat and white with shapes signifying a face, like a noface from Spirited Away, but see through one way.
Also, he had a beanie on, which hid his hair. Also made him look bald, but he didn't really care.
Nobody was in there, so he just hid under the desk.
It was a good ten minutes before Izuku heard the door open.
"Hand me the paperwork later, I just finished everything else." The voice was familiar, and that wasn't a good thing.
Oh well, with the mask, the voice wouldn't be able to see him. Nothing would happen.
"Now is one of those times I wish Gaara could do this paperwork shit," the voice muttered bitterly. "I just wanted to be a medical ninja, damn him."
The voice got closer and closer, and Izuku could pinpoint exactly who it was.
When he got to the desk, the only thing Izuku could see of him was a pair of sweatpants and ugly-ass sandals before he sat down, sighing.
The leg spot under the desk was short, but long, so Izuku moved all the way to the back of it.
"I'm done with this crap. Freaking Temari can take care of this garbage. I'm too tired."
He sighed again.
Izuku was sure.
The man crawled underneath the desk, much to Izuku's disbelief.
Judging by the face paint, the cat sweatshirt, and the stupidity childish swear words, it was definitely Kankuro.
He sighed, slamming his head back against the desk. Then he glanced in Izuku's direction.
"Are you here to kill me?" he asked.
"Uhh, not technically. Are you the Kazekage?" Izuku asked. He made his voice go deeper, so Kankuro wouldn't recognize him.
"I'm not going to be hiding under the table of someone of higher rank than me."
"So that's a yes?"
"No. My brother's the Kazekage. But he doesn't do any of the freaking paperwork, so I kind of am."
Izuku felt his face flush.
"Well, who's your brother?"
"Gaara."
Izuku blinked. This was very easy.
"You know you just told me the name of the person who I'm told to kidnap, right?"
"Yeah I know."
"And that I now need to drug you with an incredibly painful incurable poison?"
Kankuro looked him right in the noface eyes.
"Really? Damn I thought I cured them all." He sighed, putting his arms atop his knees then slamming his head into his arms. "Can I just be depressed for a moment before you go and kill my brother?"
Izuku blinked.
"Hey- um- I know I'm supposed to be torturing you right now but- uhh- are you okay, man?"
Kankuro looked at him dully.
"Yeah. Just overwhelmed with this paperwork crap, I guess."
"I really don't want to sound like your therapist when I tell you a thing."
"I don't have a therapist," Kankuro said.
"Get one. Why don't you just tell G- the guy- that you're overwhelmed with this paperwork crap?"
Kankuro looked at him again, raising his (painted on) eyebrows.
"That would sound stupid, both to me and him," he said.
"No! It could go like this!" He made little mouth guys out of his hands.
In an absurdly low voice, he pretended the hand said, "Hey man. I'm kinda overwhelmed with paperwork right now and kind of want to die to get out of it. Please do some paperwork for yourself or I will literally die of boredom."
With the other hand, and with a stupidly high pitched voice, he said, "Yeah sure dude. Your health is more important to me than anything, and it would be sad if you died of boredom. I'll do some paperwork."
He put his hands down.
"Then they all lived happily ever after."
Kankuro was staring at him with the same dumb expression the whole time, then burst out laughing.
"THAT'S- SO STUPID!" he laughed. It actually went on for a weirdly long amount of time, until he was literally wiping away tears.
Izuku began laughing, too, at one point. He couldn't tell when, but both went until they were literally crying laughing.
It was odd.
At one point they both quieted down, and looked at each other.
"So you aren't a hallucination?" Kankuro asked.
"No. I'm actually going to kidnap your brother. Sorry."
He nodded. Frowned.
"Well, my name's Kankuro," he said. "I have no part in this, so I'll just go." He didn't go.
"You aren't going," Izuku pointed out.
"What's your name?" Kankuro asked.
"What's who's name?"
"Yours."
"I don't know anybody named Yours. Sounds stupid."
Kankuro sighed.
"I told you mine, now what's yours?"
"You didn't have to, I already knew it."
He then proceeded to slap himself in the mask.
"What?" Kankuro tried to stand up, but hit his head. "Who are you?"
"I'm-" he was cut off by his mask being torn off.
He hid his face in his hands, his oversized sleeves rolling down to see all the damn scars from breaking his bones too much.
Then, his hat was torn off.
"Fuck," he said, and set his hands in his lap.
"IZUKU-KUN?" Kankuro yelled.
He smiled shyly and waved.
"WHAT ARE YOU- WHAT?"
Izuku frowned.
"Sorry, Kankuro-sama, but you know too much."
"Izuku, what are you talking about. . ." He froze as Izuku pulled out a vial of awful-smelling poison.
He was debating using gasoline, but this poison was more painful.
"W-what is that?"
"The incurable poison I told you about."
Kankuro's eyes widened and pupils dilated. He backed out from under the desk, clumsily trying to get up.
"Hey, man, I thought-"
He shut up as Izuku crawled out (like an idiot) then stood, smiling at him.
"This isn't- you were never- you aren't-"
"I am," he said. "Kankuro-sama, I don't want to hurt you-"
"THEN DON'T!"
"-but I have a mission to accomplish, and if I don't then, well," he laughed, "the Akatsuki won't be very strong, now will it?"
Kankuro swallowed.
"Why did you join them, Izuku-kun?"
"Well, they did kidnap me, so it wasn't really a choice." He enjoyed the way Kankuro looked so guilty. He enjoyed the fact that he suffered for his actions, or lack thereof.
"I'm sorry, Izuku-kun, I should have-"
"Yes," Izuku interrupted. "Yes you should." He smiled. "But you didn't. So you get to pay for that."
Before Kankuro could even try to move, he stabbed him in the neck with the vial and injected it into his system.
Immediately, he began to scream, a mind-bending awful, painful scream. Izuku winced, about to cry from shame. He really didn't deserve that, but it was possible to be cured, so better than gasoline?
Someone walked in to the room just as Izuku put on his mask, leaving the beanie to die.
"Aah, Kazekage-kun!" He clapped his hands like a teacher and grinned, though Gaara couldn't see it. "Glad you could join us."