JOIN THE MOTHER DUCKING AKATSUKI
Izuku woke up.
His entire living corpse hurt.
"Pizza fuh. . . worm I?" he drowsily asked, eyes closed due to the fact that if he opened his eye he would have to deal with it and he wasn't ready to make that commitment yet.
"You're in the doctor place," said some extra.
"Where Gah?"
"Gaara's in the bed next to you. You're high on whatever they drugged you on."
"I fud'a chin n datow youre bone."
"You f- did a chicken and that's how I was born?"
"Birbrane."
"I swear to god-"
Gaara awoke to Deku and Kankuro arguing.
"Its my purpsin life to death bring!"
"Deet," said Deku. "Prove't, kill Kankro."
"DON'T KILL ME! WHAT?"
"Birbrain."
"STOP IT WITH THIS BIRD BRAIN CRAP, GREEN BOI!"
Izuku awoke, energized but fatigued, somehow at the same time.
Kankuro was laughing, incredibly hard.
"What?" Izuku asked.
He showed him a video of he and Gaara fighting over how to pronounce "crayon," but one pronounced it "bran" and the other "hand."
"Delete that."
"Never."
"Why?"
"Blackmail.
"Valid."
Kankuro went to piss. Never did come back.
Gaara's whole body throbbed, and he'd never felt so much pain.
It was oddly endearing.
Mostly awful, though. He was suddenly very thankful for the sand, protecting him when he didn't need protecting.
Deku had a large amount of bandages on him, all horrifyingly bloody.
Deku seemed to notice someone looking at him, and turned to look at Gaara, then smiled softly.
"Least I didn't break my arms this time."
"You told that joke before."
Deku laughed regretfully, once. And then Gaara noticed the bandage on his face, practically bleeding through the white gauze.
"Oh my god your face."
"I knew I was ugly, but not that ugly," Deku said.
"I'm serious."
"Hi Serious, I'm Izuku."
He laughed, a lot this time. Gaara smiled a very small bit, then said, "I'm not kidding."
"Hi Not Kid-"
"Deku your face is bleeding out. And your arms. And chest. But there is literal blood dripping down your face that's not a good sign."
"Hey," he said. "I'll have an epic scar, at least."
And with that, Gaara's face fell.
"What?" he said, so quietly it shouldn't even be capitalized.
"Scar. I'll have one. Three lines, right there." Grinning, Deku traced three lines over one cheek.
"Oh."
Izuku noted Gaara's obvious feeling of guilt, so he ignored it.
"Yeah."
"Sorry. About that."
Izuku looked at him with wide eyes and a comically confused expression.
"It's not your fault," he said. "Why would it be?"
Gaara looked at him like he was stupid.
"Because I attacked you?"
"Well, I attacked you, too. Bet you got pretty hurt from that."
"I did not."
Izuku looked at his knees and sighed. Then smiled.
Not looking at Gaara, he said, "Well, either way, it isn't your fault."
"Tell me one way it's not my fault."
"Because I-" Izuku paused. He felt like slapping himself, but he'd pass out from the pain. "I don't blame you."
"Well, I do."
"You shouldn't."
"You should."
"I don't."
"Why?"
Izuku felt like they'd had this conversation before. Then he remembered.
"Do I need to ask to fight you again?" Deku asked. "Because it worked on Kacchan."
"That was like a month ago."
"Three weeks, tops."
"Yeah, yeah."
Izuku laughed. They never spoke of that again.
They both healed very quickly, maybe three days, since chakra doctors.
They both got several scars, though, Izuku because they were infected (sand is definitely not good for wounds), and Gaara because he had the fairest skin in all the land. Snow White can't compete with this son of a person.
"You're sure you're fine," Gaara said, "because I can ask if we can stay for a few more days-"
"I'm fine," Izuku said. Smiling the most genuine smile ever, he said, "I told you, if anything you need to stay."
"Why?"
"Because I won."
Gaara huffed, and Izuku chuckled, and they exited the building.
Kankuro was waiting outside for them.
"So," he began, "most of the others died. Arm go boom boom guy whose name I forgot? Dead. Guy named Yoroi? Dead. Guy named Kin? Dead. Guy called Akumi? Dead. Sasuke? Unseen. The others are either in a coma or out of the hospital."
Izuku nodded, concerned.
Gaara stared at Kankuro with a dead look of boredom.
"Anything on the next phase of the exams" Izuku asked.
"We have a month to train for the next part. I-" Kankuro coughed. "I should probably tell you what happens for our- you know."
"What?"
"You know," he hissed.
"Oh, the thing? Yeah okay."
So they walked in silence. Izuku tried to make conversation. He failed.
Kankuro, Gaara, and Izuku sat in the middle of the field. Kankuro sitting criss-cross, Gaara layed on his back, eyes closed, and Izuku was laying on his stomach like a young child.
Kankuro explained the plan.
It was a fucking stupid plan.
However, Izuku let him explain. He would try to change the plan later.
Basically, Izuku was to distract the other shinobi. Play as bait. He would attack random people on patrol, causing other shinobi to gather, and because of Kankuro overestimating his strength, getting most of the Leaf shinobi to fight him.
"It would be better if you killed them. And since you have no headband, they won't know what hit them!"
Gaara would use a jutsu to knock himself out, causing Shukaku to emerge and kill people.
Kankuro, after making sure Izuku and Shukaku killed the people, would return Gaara to normal and get the duck out of there.
"Can't you kill people and I get Gaara to not kill people?" Izuku suggested.
"Why?"
"Well, I can't just kill someone."
"Why not?"
I guess simple two-word questions ran in the family, Izuku though.
"Well, I can't just kill them. They're just protecting their village."
"And we're protecting ours."
That's when Izuku realized Kankuro didn't know.
He shoved his face in the ground to keep from laughing. Gaara placed his head in his hands.
"What?"
"I'm- ah- not actually from Suna. . ." Izuku said, smiling guiltily.
Kankuro went utterly still.
"What?" he whispered.
"He's from a town called Mafumafu," Gaara incorrectly clarified.
"That's a singer. I'm from a city called Masutafu."
"WHAT!?"
Izuku winced.
"Sorry."
"OKAY FIRST OF ALL WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION."
"I didn't think it was relevant?"
"HOW DO YOU NOT-" Kankuro inhaled for a very long tile, then exhaled even longer.
Izuku rolled over on his back.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Technically," Gaara interrupted, "he's not from any other village, so he can't be spying on us."
"You don't KNOW THAT though!" Kankuro growled, yelled, then flopped on his back. "IDIOTS. BOTH of you, IDIOTS."
Izuku sat up and tilted his head downward.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Gaara and Deku, after that stupid conversation, went to the convenient store, which was in a very inconvenient place.
Gaara bought some earbuds and a used iPod.
He put in the earbuds, but Deku took one and put it in his ear instead.
Gaara gave him a really? look but continued.
Deku casually took the device and scrolled through songs.
"Did you not like my song choices?" Gaara asked, having played Suki Suki Daisuki, a song Deku did not apparently like.
"I thought of one I thought you'd like," Deku distractedly said.
Gaara watched him scroll through songs that seemed to be in a different language.
A familiar song began playing in his ear.
"Cotton Eye Joe? Seriously?"
Deku stuck out his tongue. "I like this song."
"Your music taste is hot garbage."
"I am painfully aware of that. My mom used to get annoyed when I'd play this."
"I can see why."
Gaara's hand brushed Deku's, so Deku did the anime protagonist walk and Gaara crossed his arms.
"I'm not doing the mission."
Izuku started.
"WHAT!?"
They were sitting on a hotel bed, and as always sand was swirling a bit, more so than usual.
"The mission. I'm not doing it."
Izuku nodded, pursing his lips and raising his eyebrows in a shocked but stupid look.
"Okay. Okay, not doing the mission of which you are a very crucial part of. Okay."
There was a moment of silence.
"Why?"
"It's just as you said."
Izuku nodded at him to go on, eyes wide.
"I can't just kill people. They're protecting their village." A pause, a very loud one. "Also I don't. . ." He mumbled something indecipherable.
"Uhh. . . Could you repeat that?"
"I don't want you to get hurt again."
"Oh." Izuku turned red. "Oh."
Gaara nodded and looked at his hands.
"Well, if you aren't doing this then I'm not, either," Izuku decided.
"Oh?"
He smiled wolfishly, nodding slowly. A glint in his eye showing madness and determination.
It immediately disappeared. A dank aura swept over him. He animatedly tilted his head down in realization.
"How are we gonna do this?"
Gaara was waiting for that question.
"We leave."
"Leave?"
Gaara nodded.
"We leave. Of course, I'm able to change plans if you're attached to the village or something."
He was, for better or for worse, half-joking.
Deku shook his head.
"I'm willing if you're willing."
"I'll miss Temari, though. Possibly Kankuro."
Deku cocked his head to the side.
"Why would you-" it dawned on him. "You- we- aren't going back to Suna, are we."
Gaara shook his head, playing with his hands.
"I'm going to live as a hermit in the woods," he joked in the same bland tone as always. He was not very good at joking.
"We could join a gang," Deku said.
"I cannot tell if you're kidding."
"Nope."
Gaara nodded.
"They yes, let's. . . do that."
They say silently, until one spoke.
"Do you know of any groups around here that are accepting members?"
Gaara paused, trying to think of one and failing.
"We'll think of that when we finish the first step," he said.
"Right! . . . One last thing."
"Yes?"
"How are we gonna get there and when are we gonna go?"
". . . Duck."