Amanda sat quietly in that damn room, right next to where John used to lay. This room haunted her but she couldn’t leave. She was built here, she was supposed to be here. At least that’s what she thought. This place had such a weird way to comfort her, and she lived for it. She hadn’t showered in a week nor had she changed clothes, she had new scars all over her body and more needle scars than before. She looked like a lost puppy who had been kicked. All she craved was the same feeling John gave her.
—
Lynn sat in her car, staring at the building that haunted her, but not in the way it haunted Amanda. It haunted her nightmares. The feeling of the collar around her neck, the cold thick air, the way every voice echoed, everything. She had to go in though. She was sent here to find anything of John Kramers. Everything she could find would be sent to anyone that was close to John. She took a deep breath before getting out of her car, locking it behind her before walking to the big metal door. For some reason, it was unlocked. The paramedics must’ve not cared enough to lock it while taking John away. She stepped in slowly, looking around. “Hm. lights are on…” she whispered to herself, coughing at all the dust around her. Suddenly, she heard a crash.
—
Amanda swore under her breath as she knocked over a metal plate that was used to hold used drug needles and a razor. She began to tear up at the sound of the crash. She hadn’t heard that loud of a sound ever since John died… she hid in a corner farest away from the entrance of the room, shaking violently as she did. Someone was here. Someone she didn’t know. She didn’t want anyone here. This was supposed to be the place she died in. by herself. In the same bed John died in, but by different causes. Probably by an overdose… Amanda’s mind began to wonder off as she placed her head on top of her knees, trying her best to cover her face. Then, suddenly, she heard a voice call her name. A voice that was stern yet soft. A voice that was hurtful yet comforting. A voice that she knew very well. It was… Lynn?
—
Lynn turned the corner to see… Amanda? Sitting in the corner of the same exact room she was last seen in, but this time looking more.. Dirty. “Amanda?” she said, stepping closer to see if it was really her. To her surprise, it was. Amanda looked up at Lynn, her eyes filled with tears and her cheeks a rosy pink. She clearly either hasn’t eaten well in a week or hasn’t eaten at all in a week. Normally, Lynn would be pissed. She would’ve been yelling at Amanda, telling her how much she ruined her life like she always dreamed of doing, but she wasn’t. She felt… bad. The look on her face was horrible. It held so many emotions. Without saying anything else, nor replying to Amanda’s questions, she sat down next to her. Something in Lynn felt bad, like she had hurt Amanda in some way. “Oh… Amanda, hun… what happened to you?” She asked, turning herself to look at Amanda. She cupped her cheek with one hand, wiping away the tears that started to fall when she saw Lynn. Her other hand grabbed one of Amanda’s hands, drawing circles on top of it with her thumb. She watched as more tears fell down Amanda’s face, watching them lay on her shirt that had clearly already been stained with blood and tears. The tears seemed to land in almost a perfect circle.
—
Amanda cried as she finally felt the touch she had been craving for so long, trying her best to pull herself together. Once she pulled herself together, she yanked herself away from Lynn, standing up and dusting her legs off. “Nothing happened to me, Lynn. I’m me. I’m the me you met when you were in the trap. I’m the me that pointed a gun at you. I’m no different.” Amanda spoke, turning away from her. She knew deep down that she was very different, and it bothered her. She somehow got worse than she was before John’s death and before she even met John. She walked over to the knocked over tray, picking up all the needles and the razor, placing everything nicely as if they were some expensive prized items. “I don’t know why you’re here. You shouldn’t be here.” As she spoke, she refused to even glance at Lynn. She had this feeling that if she looked at her, she would start crying again. She doesn’t need to cry in front of her again.
—
Lynn was honestly confused. Is this not what Amanda wanted? Did she not want comfort? She doesn’t remember her being this confusing… She remembers her being very straight up and readable. Did she change because John died? Lynn began to trail off before remembering that she had to explain to Amanda why she was really here. She stood up, beginning to walk back to her to try and get closer. She was mostly worried about the newer scars on her arm. They look easily prone to infections and that worried her. “Well, I’m here to pick some stuff.” She explained. “I was sent to get some of John’s stuff, to be exact. It was an order by the police. For some reason, I was picked!” Lynn said in a tone that was a mix of excitement and sarcasm. “Listen,” She sighed before continuing. “I know you don’t want me here, I can tell. I need to do my job though.” She thought for a moment, deciding if it was really the best idea to express herself in front of Amanda. “And… I’m worried about you. Ever since I really got over what happened the best I could, I’ve been thinking about you. I wondered what you would do without John, and wondered if you’re dealing with the death well…” Lynn said, looking down as she spoke. She felt so vulnerable for caring.
—
Amanda scoffed, sitting down on the bed stained with blood and probably spit. “Listen, I don’t need your pity, Lynn. I’m fine.” Deep down, Amanda wanted her here. She needed her here more than anything. It felt weird for her to need someone else other than John. It kind of made her feel sick. She couldn’t be over John, not yet. They sat in silence for a moment before, for some strange reason, Amanda began to cry again. She was feeling so many emotions her brain didn’t know how to react other than to cry. God, why couldn’t she just keep her emotions in like she could before?
—
Lynn noticed very quickly that Amanda was crying again. She walked over to Amanda slowly, sitting next to her on the bed. Instead of reaching for her immediately, she sat there quietly, listening to her sobs like it was a song. Lynn learned this from taking care of trauma patience. She learned to give them space or just sit there until they were ready to talk. Soon, she felt Amanda move closer to her, which honestly made her really happy but she didn’t want to show that. As a couple minutes passed of Amanda sitting close enough to Lynn for their thighs to touch, Amanda eventually rested her head on Lynn’s shoulder. Lynn offered her hand out, and Amanda quickly took it. It had gone silent at this point. No more sobs, no talking, no crashes, just breathing. Soft, quiet, gentle breathing. Maybe this is what Amanda needed all this time, love.
—
Amanda honestly wanted to lay her head in Lynn’s lap, but that seemed like too much. What if she was pushed away? She loved all this touch, but it brought some thoughts with it. What if her head was hurting her shoulder? What if this isn’t what she wanted? What if her hands are too rough? What if she’s squeezing too hard? She went on and on in her head with these thoughts, but was interrupted. For some reason, Lynn seemed to be… humming? The tune seemed similar, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. Whatever it was, it calmed her even more. Amanda felt that if she were to be any more calm, she would melt. Just as she began to close her eyes listening to the humming, she heard a phone ring, causing her to push herself away from Lynn.
—
As soon as her phone rang, she knew it was over. “Fuck- I better take this… it’s my coworker. I’ll- I’ll be right back Mandy.” Before she could correct herself from calling Amanda ‘Mandy’ she was already out of the room. She quickly clicked the answer button, putting the phone to her ear.
“Hello?” Lynn spoke.
“Lynn! Where the hell are you!! The hospital is having a random rush and we still need to plan our stuff for after work!” Her coworker shouted into the phone
“Uh- traffic. Realllyyyy bad traffic. I’ll try to hurry, I swear.” Lynn responded
“You better. Bye, Denlon.” With that, she hung up.
Lynn stepped back into the room to see Amanda staring at a wall. “Hey,, Amanda. I have to go. I want to come back for you though. I want you to come to my place for a bit. I know it’s a strange offer but please. You need this.” She had to hold back from calling Amanda ‘Mandy’ again, even though she found the nickname cute.
—
Amanda sighed as she walked over to Lynn. She stood in front of her before grabbing her cheeks and kissing her. It just felt so… right. Perfect even. She pulled away and stared at Lynn before apologizing. “I’m- I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking I just-” She was interrupted by Lynn kissing her back, reaching her hand to the back of her head as she kissed her. Once they pulled away, Amanda hugged her, whispering into her neck. “Please come back for me.” Lynn nodded before leaving. Amanda backed up until she made it to the bed, plopping herself down. She always found Lynn pretty, but she thought those feelings were from the high of kidnapping her. She was so glad she kissed her.
—
Once Lynn was out of sight of the room, she rushed out. She ran into her car, checking herself in the mirror. Great, her cheeks were bright pink. God, she probably looked like an idiot in front of Amanda… but that doesn't matter. This means that Amanda actually likes her! Lynn always thought her feelings for Amanda were weird and maybe a way to respond to what happened to her, but after what happened in that room, she knew they were real. The whole way back to the hospital, she couldn’t stop thinking about that whole moment. Seeing her for the first time, touching her hand, the first time in months she heard her voice, seeing her cry, the feeling of her hair, the way she somehow smelt sweet like she did before, the feeling of her clothes, everything. She’s never felt this way about a girl, which confused her. It felt so wrong yet so right. She was raised around people who didn’t really like gay people, so how would her parents feel? How would she tell her parents if they became more than just kissing? Would she tell her parents? Would she tell her friends and coworkers? All these thoughts haunted her, but she cleared her mind before walking into the hospital. She felt she was the luckiest girl alive.