Job Interview
The Browbeat Files 2: Job Interview
Browbeat had to admit that Martha, the cleaning ball of light, served a tasty cup of tea. They had been chatting about the spiritual world while he waited for some guidance about his eternal fate. It was a nice distraction from the fact that he was not really wanted by anyone in said spiritual realm. "So wait, Earth Bet doesn't have an afterlife of its own? How does that work?"
Taking a sip of... something that looked like rainbows(?), Martha replied. "It's not so much that your world doesn't have an afterlife, as it's been co-opted by the source of Parahuman powers. For people who Trigger, that results in an imprint of your soul bonding with said power in an area called "Shard Space." For anyone without Parahuman abilities, well, they sort of get stopped at the door."
Before the teenager could ask for some clarification, the entrance to the area burst open. Waddling through the portal was a shaking, four foot pile of paper. Before both Browbeat and Martha's gaze, said paperwork made its way over to the throne at the middle of the waiting area. At that point, it was dropped, and he could finally see the latest thing to interact with his waiting soul.
Standing at a bare two feet tall, the little figure reminded the deceased Ward of Tinkerbell from Peter Pan. Little glossamer wings, delicate pointed ears, pretty face with shinny green hair all formed an image of a woodland sprite. Of course, that image was ruined by her serious expression, business casual outfit, and little librarian glasses. "I apologise for the wait. My name is Cloro and I'll be your caseworker today." Even her voice sounded professional.
Martha's reaction was less so. "Clo! They have you working with clients already? I thought you were still finishing the paperwork review portion of your apprenticeship!" With that, the image of the two foot tall professional became a blushing, fidgeting mess.
Shaking her head, the little creature shot the ball of light a glare. "Martha! I'm trying to be serious here! My supervisor said they had an emergency case and he trusted me with the opportunity to take over! I would never turn away the chance to help a deserving soul from..." With that, the fairy-like being glanced at the top sheet of her pile before wilting. "...Earth Bet. Damn it, I am reporting that ass to HR. There are some things you just don't leave out of the briefings!"
Feeling more than slightly insulted, Browbeat cleared his throat. "Excuse me. There is no reason to be rude. I can't help where I come from, you know."
Sighing, Cloro started shifting the paperwork around. "I know, I know, it just limits things so much! Why the heck are you here anyways? Most people from your world end up in Shard Space." Turning over another report, she blinked. "Ah, never mind. I had no idea that HE was hanging around your dimensional cluster. People are never going to believe this."
Completely confused, Browbeat stepped forward. "I'm sorry, but can we figure this out already? I am getting maybe one reference in three and it's beginning to annoy me."
Nodding, his caseworker finally grabbed a stack of paper nearly as tall as she was. "Very well, let's start. First, it says that you were a Hero when alive? Can you please give me some examples of your work?"
Thinking back, Browbeat started slowly. "Well, I only had my powers for a few months, but I was getting better! I had some fights against the Empire 88, that's a gang of Nazis, the Undersiders at a Bank Robbery, and I faced Leviathan! That last one is apparently why I ended up here." It was a short career, but he felt like he did his best.
The Fairy apparently did not agree. Frowning, she discarded a third of the gathered paperwork. "Oh dear, a rookie hero on Earth Bet. Maybe a dozen official instances of combat, with no leadership experience. That takes out most of the official Destined Protagonist options right there. Maybe some of the Non-human Item Reincarnation Paths? I think there is a Legendary Sword still looking for a soul."
Standing, the young Parahuman crossed his arms. "Now hang on. I know I didn't have the flashiest power, but if you need a Brute, I'm your guy! I can enhance my striking power and defensive ability to ridiculous levels! Sure it wasn't enough to take out Leviathan, or survive Leviathan, but if you give me a chance I'm sure that I could surprise you!" Browbeat had been proud of his power and enjoyed the work he put into Power Testing and the like. Such effort should not be so easily disregarded!
Cloro was unmoved. "Right, that's great and all, but there is one small problem. You don't get to keep your powers upon reincarnation. All Parahuman abilities are quarantined to the Earth Bet Dimensional Cluster. So, when you reincarnate, you are going to have to gain completely new abilities."
That took the steam right out of the teen. "Wait, really?"
Nodding, the caseworker continued to discard various forms. "Most worlds view the source of Parahuman abilities as overly destructive or infectious. Either they have something safer or better that can do the same job. You did not have leadership potential, so the "Unknown Growing Into a Hero" path won't work. No real hobbies besides treating yourself like a science experiment, so the more obscure heroic paths won't work. You weren't even a good cook, so the pizza...oh nevermind, the Pizza Making High Callorie Hero position was taken recently. So that's out."
Martha, bobbing silently until now, seemed to studder in surprise. "What, really? That's been available forever! Who finally got it?"
Shrugging, Cloro continued to dig. "Some Japanese worker who got hit by a pizza delivery scooter. He's actually doing pretty well, and already got engaged to a cute yet hungry elf. Truck-kun is apparently looking into franchises. Anyways, with that gone, we are left with the Reincarnated as an Object Paths. Less fun but less picky, so it evens out."
Somewhat disturbed by the description, Browbeat forced himself to ask. "Okay, so what does that mean exactly? What kind of objects require souls?"
Picking out three sheets of paper, the Fairy sighed. "Well, the first is a Legendary Sword. You would spend at least a hundred years bound before your Destined Partner would draw you. They would go on to fight an evil monster and it's army, while you would make the odd quip. No physical sensation, and the closest that you would get to a relationship would be speaking to the true hero. Upon their death, you go back into stasis and repeat the next time a hero was needed. So, job security at least!"
Picturing hundreds of years stuck in a stone somewhere, Browbeat shuddered. "What's next?"
Frowning, Cloro picked up the next page. "Hm, well there is the Legendary Shovel option. You would have to empower a special shovel tasked with digging out cursed jewels. That one has a princess in need, which is always a nice perk. But, no method of communication and you would not be freed from your prison until the defeat of the Ultimate Evil. Then you would be stuck in the reincarnation cycle until a legendary tool is needed once again."
Twitching at the description, the teen shook his head. "I am not some sort of spiritual hardware store. What else you got?"
Sighing, the Fairy grabbed the last page. "Well, there is a fairly nice Shield that can summon the winds...wait." Glancing at the paperwork, she tossed it over her shoulder. "Never mind, it was claimed by a Demonic King, only to be converted into a sleep aid for a captured princess. No luck there."
Picturing a life of endless imprisonment as either a blade or a garden tool, Browbeat rubbed his temples. "I don't mean to be a jerk here, but is there anyway for me to get other options? I mean, I know I was kind of young when I died, but can't I just study until you can assign me a better afterlife?"
Biting her lip, Cloro started flipping through the last few pages in the stack. "Well...there IS one final option. It only really comes up when someone is cut down too early and doesn't have the appropriate karma or experience for a reincarnation. But it could take a while. However, IF you manage to pull it off, we could probably get you a starter gig raising friendly slimes."
Dimming, Martha bobbed in place. "Are you sure? That method is kind of..."
Tired of the whole situation, Browbeat threw up his hands. "It can't be any worse than being stuck in a magic shovel! Plus, I eventually will get credit for a better life, right? So, since no one wants me on their world, why not prove I can be worth it if I'm just given a chance?"
Smiling, Cloro floated to his eye level. "Well said! Plus, if I want to file that HR complaint, I need to get to it sooner rather than later! So off you go, and remember! Points for creativity!"
With that, the lights went out.
-----
When Browbeat regained consciousness, his first thought was that he could not move. His body was gone, and in its place was a pillar with a glowing orb. The light filled a room made of natural stone, carved by a billion drops of moisture over countless millennia. Before he could properly freak out, text appeared on the far wall.
(Welcome, Heart of the Dungeon! Would You Like To Start The Tutorial? Y/N?)
What. The. Fuck.