A Stupid Favor

Day One - Afternoon

They got their salads to go and went back to Iruka's apartment to eat.  Iruka settled Kakashi at the kotatsu with instructions to go ahead and start eating while he made tea for them.

Kakashi hesitated for a moment, his fingers twisting in the fabric of his mask.  Part of him wanted to just pull down his mask and let Iruka see his face.  Iruka, after all, had given him the seal still burning a hole in his flak jacket pocket.  Iruka had also shared some of his secrets, including the types of skills that one normally kept quiet except on missions or with one's captain.

...Iruka had also held Kakashi as he thrashed his way out of a nightmare.

But he found that he couldn't.  Not yet.  Maybe at some point, but not yet.

"I'm coming back out," Iruka called from the kitchen.

"That's fine," Kakashi said, letting go of the fabric of his mask and dropping his hand into his lap.

Iruka padded quietly but not silently back out into the living room, where he set down a teapot and two mugs on the kotatsu.  He poured the tea and said, "I won't look, if you'd like to take off your mask."

"Thank you," Kakashi said.  He hooked a finger over the edge of his mask and pulled it down, letting it gather around his throat.

He fidgeted with the fork Iruka had given him, his heart pounding.  Somehow, after everything Iruka had shared with him, Kakashi found himself more inexplicably nervous around Iruka.  He didn't want to look like an idiot.  Or rather, he didn't want to look like more of an idiot than he already did.

He ate more carefully than usual, trying to be as tidy as humanly possible.

Iruka's knee brushed his own, and he felt his heart jump into his throat.  He had to remind himself, firmly, to swallow his food and to breathe.

With just a brush, Iruka could totally immobilize him, Kakashi knew, but that wasn't why his heart raced.  He had every reason to be nervous around Iruka, now more than ever, and yet he felt both wildly anxious and yet completely safe.

He believed Iruka's promise.  I promise you, I would never harm you.

There was something counterintuitively exciting about the fact that Iruka could harm him.  When was the last time Kakashi had been in the presence of someone who casually knew, with utter certainty, correctly, that they could harm him?

Impulsively, Kakashi reached out until his fingers clumsily bumped into Iruka's hand.  He wrapped his fingers around Iruka's hand and squeezed lightly.

"Thank you," Kakashi said feelingly.  "Thank you for everything you've been doing for me.  You've been making sure I know what you're doing, you've been generously helping me with everything, and you've been incredibly honest with me.  Thank you."

Iruka set down his fork with a slight clatter and slid his free hand over Kakashi's.  His hand, even over the back of Kakashi's glove, was warm.

Just like Iruka himself.

"You know, I'm glad you asked me," Iruka said softly, his voice low.  "It's been really nice getting to know you."

"I almost didn't," Kakashi admitted.  "I honestly didn't think you would agree."

"I guess we were both surprised, then."

Kakashi hesitated before drawing back his hand.  "Still, it may be better if you take me back to the hospital for tonight."

"Hm?  Why do you say that?" Iruka asked.  "Oh.  I made you uncomfortable, didn't I?" he asked morosely.  "With the seals thing.  I'm sorry."

"No, no, that's not why," Kakashi said quickly, sensing the bitterness Iruka hid where he stung himself below the skin.  "I think it's remarkable, what you're able to do.  No."

Iruka hesitated.   "Then, is it because of...?  I hate to think you might be having those kinds of dreams alone," he whispered, almost to himself.

Kakashi sighed.  "No, that's not why.  Well, I mean, that's not most of the reason why," he amended.  I think I'm developing feelings for you.  Or rather, I developed feelings for you a long time ago, and it's just getting worse, he tried to add, but it wasn't a seal that kept him frozen this time.  "I just hate to be a burden," he said lamely instead.

"You're not," Iruka said warmly.  "You know, it's been kind of pleasant, having someone to talk to.  Who's not a parent, I mean.  Parents can be... ugh."

Kakashi chuckled lightly.  "That bad, huh?"

"And worse," Iruka agreed.  "It's been refreshing to have you as my guest."

"But you're sleeping on your floor," Kakashi protested.  "And I woke you up in the middle of the night."

A shifting of fabric in the shape of a shrug.  "I don't mind if you don't."  Iruka hesitated for a moment, and then he said, "You know, I still wake up with nightmares from the Kyūbi attack, sometimes.  In those moments, all I want, more than anything else, is for my parents to be there for me, like they were when I was a kid.  Of course, they both passed away during the attack, so...."

Kakashi stayed silent, knowing inexplicably that Iruka wasn't seeking words of comfort.  But he understood the sentiment, even if he hadn't been prone to nightmares until after he'd found his father's cold body on the bloodstained tatami.

"It would be nice, if no one had to be alone in those moments," Iruka murmured, as if to himself.  "If everyone had someone at night, when it's dark and we feel the most alone."

Yes, Kakashi wanted to say, it would.  If he had been a little braver, perhaps he would have said it.

The truth was, now that Iruka had said the words, a not-small part of Kakashi yearned to be there during Iruka's moments of darkness, and to have Iruka there during his own.

He'd never had someone like that before.  Not since Minato was his jōnin-sensei, and he only barely qualified, since Kakashi hadn't been consoled out of nightmares even by Minato once he'd moved into the apartment he kept even to this day.

"It was... nice," Kakashi whispered inadequately.  "It was nice to have you there last night.  I haven't thanked you."

"I'm glad I was able to help," Iruka replied softly.  "Kakashi-san... if I've made you uncomfortable, I really do understand.  I can take you back to the hospital, if you prefer."

"That's not why," Kakashi muttered.  "I... have personal reasons."

"Kakashi-san," Iruka said slowly, "would you like for me to take you back to the hospital?  Or would you like to stay here tonight?"

"I think it would be best if I went back to the hospital."

"I understand," Iruka said gently, "but that's not actually what I asked.  I would like to know what you would like to do, not what you feel you should do."

Kakashi stilled, not quite frozen, but not quite able to move.  Trust the teacher to catch the thing he had been attempting to hide underneath the underneath.

His scattered thoughts finally provided him with the question, "Do you have a preference?"

"Yes," Iruka said simply.  "But this isn't about me."

"What is your preference?" Kakashi asked, feeling like a mere observer as the words spilled over his lips.

There was a long, pregnant pause.

"Are you sure you'd like me to say?" Iruka asked quietly.

"Yes, please," Kakashi said quickly.

"I'd like you to stay," Iruka said, his voice almost too low to hear.  "But I don't want you to stay if you don't want to.  And you?  What would you like?"

"I'd like to," Kakashi blurted before he could stop himself.  "That is, if it's really okay with you."

"Yes," Iruka said with a hint of a smile and some relief.  "Yes, of course."

Kakashi mentally kicked himself.  It would have been so easy to lie and say he wanted to go back to the hospital.  It would have been so easy to be freed of the warmth of Iruka's hand, the bed that smelled like Iruka, and the low, flowing narrative as Iruka puttered around his apartment.

Instead, his stupid mouth had told the truth.

"Would you mind reading to me again?" Kakashi asked impulsively.  "Anything.  One of your books.  It doesn't have to be Icha Icha.  I just....  Your voice is easy to listen to.  Has anyone ever told you that before?"

"Why, no," Iruka said, sounding surprised.  "Is it really?  I wouldn't mind reading to you, but I only have things you would find pretty boring.  Maybe we could find something at the library?"

Kakashi shook his head.  "I'd rather not go out more than necessary," he said.  "No sense in letting people know I can't see."

"Of course," Iruka said.  "Would you like to sit on the couch?  May I look up?"

Kakashi had almost forgotten there was a couch.  He lifted his hand to pull his mask back up over his nose and mouth, but his hand faltered.

He could just... leave his mask down.  He could just let Iruka see his face.

He pulled the mask up over his nose and mouth with a jolt of anxiety.  His face was the only thing that kept him anonymous, when he went undercover.  He still wasn't quite ready for Iruka to know who he was beneath the mask, after all.

"Yes, thank you," he said a little breathlessly.

He heard Iruka unfold himself from the other side of the kotatsu.

"I'll come take your hand.  Is that okay?" Iruka asked gently.

"Yes," Kakashi said, feeling the thrum of his heartbeat in his ears.

"Alright.  I'm on your left.  I'm going to take your hand."  And then his fingers slid over the metal plate on the back of Kakashi's glove, wrapped around the edge of Kakashi's palm, and slid home into Kakashi's hand.

Kakashi climbed to his feet and followed the motion of Iruka's hand.

"The couch is about a half step in front of you.  A little higher than knee height," Iruka guided Kakashi.

Kakashi felt in front of himself and slid onto the cushions.

The cushions were comfortably soft: easy to sink into without drowning in them.  He could feel throw pillows behind him and some kind of throw blanket over the back of the couch.  The cushions seemed covered, too, by a soft blanket.

Kakashi reluctantly let go of Iruka's hand to arrange the throw pillows around himself more comfortably.

"I'll go get a book.  I'll be right back," Iruka said.

Kakashi nodded and continued making himself a comfortable little throne of pillows.

Iruka padded away to a bookshelf, where Kakashi heard something slide from the shelf.

"How about, Combining Seals and Barriers: Current Research and Theory?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi made a face.

Iruka laughed.  "I'm kidding.  Here's one called Morino Shikaku¹: the Father of Fūinjutsu.  It's more interesting than it sounds, I promise."

"Wasn't he a poet?" Kakashi asked curiously.

"He was," Iruka agreed.  "He was also one of the fathers of fūin.  Without him, seals would look entirely different than they do today."

Kakashi gave Iruka's general direction a doubtful look, but said, "Alright."

"Do you mind if I sit next to you on the couch?" Iruka asked.

"Not at all," Kakashi replied, shifting further into his corner of the couch.

"You can put your feet on the couch," Iruka said, walking over and climbing onto the cushions.  "Naruto and I always do.  I keep a cover on it so I can wash it if I need to."

Kakashi smiled over his mask but kept his feet on the floor.  That seemed too presumptuous.

He listened as Iruka flipped open the book in his hands.

"'Water shimmering/Five cicadas sing to the sun/Dog barks, tiger growls, dragon roars.

"'Unsealing technique: Water Barrier.  Morino Shikaku.'  There's an image of a five-point seal utilizing the water element," Iruka explained, "and it creates a water barrier.  It's not a particularly powerful barrier, but once put to paper, it could be used by someone even without chakra control with the hand seals of dog, tiger, dragon.  Useful for civilians who contend with forest fires."

Kakashi hummed acknowledgement.

"Alright, let's see.  'Chapter one.  The Morino family were a hunting family from Nomura², a small village which existed near the southern coast during the Warring States Era.  Naturally, even during that time, people had to be fed.

"'They were probably a relatively poor family.  Surviving records suggest that constant warfare caused the loss of a great deal of the wildlife around the village.  Farms were razed and burnt, and Nomura ultimately vanished from the map.

"'Before Nomura was abandoned, however, the Morino family had the strange fortune of encountering the famous poet and seer Hokkusei³.  Hokkusei told the family that they would bear a son, whom they should call Shikaku.  He also left a small book in possession of the family, though none of the family could read it.  Hokkusei departed and was later killed at the site of a battle between the Senju and Uchiha clans'."

Kakashi felt himself nodding off a little.  It wasn't that the book wasn't interesting, because it seemed to be, thus far.  But something about being on Iruka's comfortable old couch, surrounded by pillows and with Iruka's voice washing over him, made him realize just how tired he was.  It wasn't a single nightmare or a single injury (though the current chakra bindings certainly weren't helping); it was a lifetime of always looking over his shoulder, always trying to be the best... always failing.

"'The details of Shikaku's childhood are murky, particularly because the only literate member of Nomura, a priest of the local shrine, passed away when Shikaku was only a year old.  However, the common legend says that at only a few years of age, despite there being no one who could read in the village, Shikaku suddenly found that he could read the little book Hokkusei had left.

"'In it were strange poems of faraway lands.  These were unpublished works of Hokkusei, written by hand.  These works concerned lands beyond the sea, places where the languages differed and the people wore feathers and bones.  They concerned people who could step upon the moon's face and bathe in the light of the sun.  But most importantly, they concerned chakra'."

Mm.  Faraway lands.

Kakashi could imagine them now: places where Hatake children didn't become genius shinobi, where their bodies weren't constantly aching from injuries old and new, where their friends lived and laughed together well into old age, safe in the warmth of Iruka's voice.

"'Chakra was, of course, well-characterized even by this time.  However, in the tiny village of Nomura, chakra was little more than old wive's tales applied to the growing of crops and the luring of wild creatures.  So when Shikaku read these works that discussed the fine control of chakra, he became intrigued.

"'By the age of twelve years old, Shikaku knew he no longer belonged in the tiny village of Nomura.  He set out with only his pet dog, intent on discovering the secrets of chakra.

"'It was at this time that Shikaku first acquired fine ink and paper from the capital.'  Oh, are you asleep?" Iruka whispered.

"No," Kakashi denied sleepily from where he had slowly nodded off against Iruka's shoulder.  He tried to pull himself upright and failed, his whole body lethargic with warmth.  "It's interesting.  Keep going."

Iruka made a little sound of amused disbelief.  "You're falling asleep on me."

"Sorry," Kakashi mumbled, slowly pushing himself upright.

"It's fine," Iruka said quickly, hooking an arm around Kakashi's and pulling him close.  "You want a pillow?"

"No, I'm good," Kakashi said, settling back against Iruka's shoulder.

"Here, c'mere," Iruka said softly, swinging his arm over Kakashi's head and turning to lie back against the armrest.

Somehow, Kakashi found himself curled up on the couch against Iruka's side, his head pillowed on Iruka's shoulder.  He made a dissatisfied noise at the way his hitai-ate knot dug into the back of his head and pulled it off, looping the band loosely around his wrist.  His arm came back down to rest on Iruka's chest.

He could hear Iruka's heartbeat, a little fast, and he could feel the rise and fall of Iruka's chest, a little sharp, like he was nervous.  He could feel Iruka's arm wrapped around him, holding him close.

"Is this okay?" Iruka whispered.

Kakashi nodded, already dozing again.  "Your seals."  The words fought him, struggling to stay on his tongue.  "What else can you do?"

He heard the book close and drop gently down to the floor.

"All sorts of things," Iruka said softly.  "Traps, barriers, jutsu.  It's mostly stuff I do for fun, though, you know?  The only things I really use are wards for personal use, like the ones you have on your apartment, and protective traps at the Academy.  Oh, some of the stuff used on the Hokage Tower, the Archives, that sort of thing.  Most of that wasn't me, though."

"What's your fighting style?" Kakashi mumbled.

"Eh... I rely pretty heavily on shurikenjutsu, actually.  I'm better at ranged battle."  He sighed softly.  "Or at least, that's true as long as I'm up against adults.  I'm pretty much useless against children, as you know."

"You're too soft-hearted," Kakashi murmured.

He didn't expect Iruka's long sigh or the resigned words whispered into his hair, "I know."

"You could be one of the best," Kakashi mumbled.  "With your fūinjutsu and your speed."

"I'm not that fast," Iruka said quietly.  "I just know where to look."

"Close enough.  Even better, maybe."

"I'm nothing special," Iruka said softly.  "Not like you."

Kakashi huffed a humorless laugh.  "Blind and chakra-dead.  The best of the best."

"Temporarily blind and temporarily chakra-dread," Iruka reminded him.  "I bet you would be just as remarkable if you had time to get used to it.  Just take Gai-sensei and Lee.  They use very little chakra, and both of them are incredible.  And there have been some truly powerful shinobi who couldn't use their eyes."

"I suppose," Kakashi acknowledged.  "Why are you helping me, Iruka-sensei?"

"Because you asked," Iruka reminded him.

"So all I needed to do was ask?" Kakashi asked muzzily.

Iruka hummed an affirmative.

"What else would you do, if I asked?"

Kakashi felt himself waking up a little at the words that left his mouth, his nerves sparking his heartbeat faster.  He forced himself to remain relaxed, his chakra squashed down, so Iruka wouldn't guess at his nerves.  He could feel his lungs suddenly demanding more air as his heart rate jumped.

"I'm not sure what you'd ask, so I'm not sure.  I guess you'll have to ask to find out," Iruka mused thoughtfully.  "You're welcome to ask anything you like."

"This is nice," Kakashi whispered.

"Yeah?" Iruka asked gently.

"Will you please keep doing this?" Kakashi whispered, even more quietly than before.

"Of course," Iruka said softly, his words buried in Kakashi's wild hair.  He slid his free hand over Kakashi's arm and shoulder, holding him in a loose embrace.

"You could kill me without even trying," Kakashi observed, feeling conversely and shockingly safe in Iruka's embrace.

"I doubt that.  But you could definitely kill me without even trying," Iruka pointed out.  "So?"

"Doesn't that scare you?"

There was a long pause as Iruka thought about this.

"No," he finally said.  "I mean, I guess a little bit, when I think about it that way.  But... I trust you.  I don't know that we know one another very well, but, well," he shrugged slightly, "you've had plenty of chances to kill me."

"Did Mizuki?" Kakashi asked quietly.

"Yes," Iruka replied, just as quietly, a spiderweb-fine line of tension in his voice.  "Yes, he did."

"I don't want to hurt you," Kakashi whispered.  "I don't know why anyone would."

"Jealousy?" Iruka suggested, and the cobweb of tension was only a cobweb, collecting dust and breaking apart.  "Fear?  Hatred?  Because their village told them to?  There are a thousand reasons."

"You're too kind."

"For what?" Iruka asked, puzzled.

"For anyone to want to hurt you," Kakashi said.  He yawned and felt himself relaxing more deeply into his half-asleep state.  "No one's ever done this for me before."

"Never?" Iruka whispered.

"Never."

"You've never....  Haven't you had a girlfriend to hold you?"

"Mm... no," Kakashi slurred.  "Never wanted a girlfriend."

"A... um, boyfriend?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi shook his head slightly.  "'s't bad?  That I've never had a koibito."

"Why would it be bad?" Iruka asked.

"Dunno.  People want experience, don't they?" Kakashi wondered fuzzily.  "You ever dated?"

"Yeah, a few people," Iruka said softly.  "A few women.  One man.  Ah, not at the same time."  He chuckled softly.

"You prefer women?" Kakashi wondered.

Iruka went silent for a moment.  Then: "I don't think I prefer either over the other, inherently.  But...."

"But?"

Iruka sighed.  "Well, my boyfriend dumped me for a woman and later stabbed me in the back with a fūma shuriken, so...."

Kakashi woke fully with a start.  "You dated Mizuki?"

"Don't remind me," Iruka said with another sigh.  "I've dated some real winners."

"What happened?"

"A long string of stupid decisions on my part," Iruka admitted.  "One woman cheated on me with seventeen people, threw a shuriken at me, and then blamed me for all of it.  I got a cute scar on my butt for that one.⁴  Another ended up moving in with me, then kicking me out of my apartment.  Another one was really nice, but kind of crazy."

"All of them sound crazy," Kakashi informed Iruka flatly.

"No, I mean, she thought that watermelons were vampires trying to steal her soul.  I don't even know.  She would have these fits where she would spend huge amounts of money, buying the weirdest things, like a thousand fishing poles.  Literally a thousand.  She didn't even know how to fish.  And there was the watermelon thing.  She also sometimes became convinced that I was, like, her brother pretending to be Iruka?  And trying to kill her from the afterlife, or something?  I'm not really sure, because she didn't even have a brother.⁵  She ended up needing to go to the capital for treatment.  I guess she's doing much better, now, but... yeah.  She had actual mental illness.  I shouldn't call her crazy, I know.  It's not very sensitive of me.  But... it got exhausting."

"I can only imagine," Kakashi mused.

"One woman was actually nice, sane, and pretty stable, but she'd gotten married young, and her ex-husband kept breaking into her house trying to poison her, so she had to leave Konoha."  Iruka sighed.  "So, yeah."

"When was that?" Kakashi asked.

"Years ago.  I haven't dated anyone since... god, I guess since Mizuki.  So not for four years or so."

"I can't say I blame you," Kakashi whispered.

"I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now," Iruka mused quietly.  "I'd be open to trying dating again, you know?  I don't want to spend my whole life afraid of the things that are in my past."

"You're crazy," Kakashi told him flatly.  "If I were you, I think I would have run for the hills years ago."

Iruka snickered.  "Ah, yeah, I thought about it once or twice.  Becoming a monk or something."

"What stopped you?"

Iruka hesitated.  "Well, a few things, I guess," he said slowly.  "Sandaime.  Naruto.  The Academy.  Uh, I've also had feelings for someone for a few years.  Wishful thinking, I guess."

"Who?" Kakashi asked, feigning disinterest.

"I think I've told you enough of my embarrassing secrets," Iruka said lightly, smiling.  "Anyway, I think some people might want their partners to have experience dating, but I'm pretty sure nobody wants the kind of baggage I come with, at this point."

"I wouldn't mind," Kakashi said.

His brain caught up with his mouth, and he screeched silently at himself in horror.  Too much, too much, abort, abort!

Iruka chuckled quietly.  Kakashi could hear Iruka's heart racing in his chest.  He could feel the way Iruka trembled, faintly.

He could also feel his own heart racing, battering his ribs, as adrenaline shot through his limbs and made him tremble, too.

"Are you nervous?" Kakashi asked impulsively, his voice low to hide the trembling.

"Very," Iruka said, a slight quaver in his voice.  "Let's change the subject."

"Can I ask you something?" Kakashi asked.  His throat closed with nerves, and he reminded himself to take in a deep breath.  Let it out, slowly.  Take in another.  Let it out, slowly.

"Anything you like," Iruka said, that little quiver still in his voice.  He was trying so hard to hold himself together, Kakashi realized.  Trying so hard not to panic.

"I'd...."  Kakashi swallowed around the lump in his throat, trying to get it to move.  He felt faint.  "I'd like you to kiss me, please."