Lost Inside the Habit
There was a strange heat polling inside her stomach that made her entire body burn. Her heart-beat was beginning to sound too loud in her ears, and no matter how many times she had already tried to close her eyes, sleep refused to come. She had been tossing and turning for at least 3 hours now, stubbornly battling against the urge to get up and do something in order to save what was left of her night.
It will pass, she kept telling herself, knowing very well that was a lie. It was not going to pass. Not anytime soon, at least. She sighed for the seventh time— but who was counting, right?— and tried to appeal to her logical side to free herself from that inner turmoil.
The shinobi world was at peace, her patients were well and her loved ones were safe and sound, probably enjoying the warmth of their beds at that exact moment. Naruto’s dream was getting closer with every passing day, her sensei was doing a great job as the Hokage and Gaara had agreed to expand her recent project to the Wind country.
Nothing was wrong, except—well— everything was.
The air inside her lungs felt heavier than all the boulders she has crushed with her bare hands during the war, and as soon as her lips started to tremble, Sakura knew she was losing it.
The eight sight came. Fuck, she muttered.
She used her forearm to cover her eyes as she bit the insides of her cheeks. It was way too late for her to be awake, let alone to be so filled with such unexplainable rage— or maybe not so unexplainable as she would like to admit.
It was all because of those stupid words. Words that could mean nothing, but since they came from his lips, could also mean everything. How could he say those things about a stranger? How could he ruin her day like that after talking about someone else with such easy words?
How could he compliment a girl he had just met when all she ever had were the recurrent “you're annoying”s? That jerk.
Though Sakura has always considered herself to be above such things, experiencing those feelings for the first time was a lot harder than she had originally expected. Jealousy hurt. It stung her heart like multiple needles, and the simple memory of that fleeting moment was enough to make her feel another projectile penetrating deeper into her core. It made her disgusted to even think of him, and more than that, it made her feel ugly inside.
She should be better than this. She’s a highly ranked medical ninja and shouldn’t let those feelings corrupt her like that. If anything, she should be happy for him, right? Happy because, after so long, he was finally being able to interact with different people and move on with his life.
Sasuke deserves to be happy. However and with whomever he chooses to. And if she really was his friend, she should be happy for him.
If she loved him— truly loved him, then she should be happy for him.
But she was not. She just couldn’t. Instead of happy, Sakura was mad, resentful and begrudging.
She was ashamed of herself.
Ashamed for not wanting to share a free and independent person with a world of his own choosing simply because she somehow felt entitled to a position that has never been hers to begin with. In all of those years he was away from the village and she was trying to get him back, it never crossed her mind that, perhaps, just that didn’t make her special at all. She was his teammate and friend, sure, and even the only girl he has ever spoken to for over 10 minutes straight, but there was never any guarantee that she would ever become more than that.
Just because she was the only one by his side, it didn’t mean she would be theone if he ever opened himself to those kind of experiences.
Sakura had no right over his love life. She had no advantage or extra points for being who she is.
His heart is not a prize to be conquered at the end of a game. There’s no winner, but she was certainly the loser.
Her cheeks turned red and angry tears were threatening to spill from her eyes at that moment. She was feeling like a spoiled little girl, crying in order to solve her problems. She had to get herself together. He has always done whatever he wanted and there was no reason it would be any different when it came to the matter of his heart.
He leaves whenever he wants to and returns whenever he pleases.
And as always, she simply accepts it all. It’s their own routine— an old habit which she refuses to abandon. Sakura has settled into that kind of life of waiting for him to make the next decision, and that was fine until she realized that, maybe, the one decision she’s been waiting for him to make might not involve her.
In fact, it might even take her away from his life.
The stubborn tears finally fell down the side of her face, and her eyes widened. It became harder to breathe at the idea of losing him forever and it was as if her chest was being crushed. Her fingers were now clutching the covers until her knuckles turned white, and the turmoil was now stuck in her throat, making her sick.
And if she didn't do something— anything about it, she was going to throw up.
Without thinking twice, she threw the covers away and stood up from her bed. She didn’t know exactly what she was doing, but before she could convince herself otherwise, the pinkette was already jumping through her window. With her bare feet, she was running through rooftops, the winter night gracing her exposed skin. Her heart was beating faster now, adrenaline rushing through her system, and as she jumped around, her eyes could already see her destination from afar.
Her cheeks were burning due to the icy breeze, but she didn’t care. Sakura had to get to him. She had to listen to a different voice from the one hunting her thoughts.
Once she got to the Uchiha compound, she ran towards his house, only stopping at the threshold. She was not thinking straight anymore for, in the dead of the night, she started banging on his door, calling his name, and had he had any neighbors, they would all be cursing her at that moment.
“Sasuke-kun!” She screamed, her heavy fist almost making a hole in his door. Her voice was rushed, and she could see the white haze escaping from her lips. “I need to talk to you! Sasuke-kun!”
Her heart was beating as fast as she was knocking, and for a moment, she decided to stop banging to see if her ears would capture something coming from inside the house. Nothing. The only sound she could hear came from the night wind and that was not what she needed.
Her emerald eyes glared at the door, a pout taking over her lips. It was impossible for a skilled shinobi like him not to hear all that noise. She was growing anxious and even considered the idea of invading his house through the window, however; she knew better than to believe that catching him by surprise like that would be a good idea. It was Uchiha Sasuke’s home, after all. She could bet anything that he had traps all over the place. Breaking in was definitely out of question.
She shook her head and decided that it was too late to start changing her original plans— not that she has any plan at all. The pinkette raised her fist, then, ready to start knocking all over again. When she was about to move her hand, though, the door suddenly swung open, only to reveal the alarmed figure of the man she had been looking for.
“Sasuke-k—”
“What!? What is it?! Are you okay!?”
He sounded breathless, his mismatched eyes scanning her from head to toe, as if he was trying to find any injury or any trace of blood. His dark locks were a mess, and his lips were parted in awe. Now that she was thinking about it, showing up like that was probably not the best of the ideas if she didn’t want him to get all worked up. There was really no need for all that, but there was no way he would know it. Especially when she was the one who started all that noise to disturb his sleep.
She would have to do something about that, too.
“Calm down, Sasuke-kun, I’m fine.” She sighed, her head now starting to throb. “No one is hurt or anything.”
“Huh?” His brows arched in confusion, his lips still slighted trembling until they formed a frown. “Then what’s wrong, Sakura?”
Everything. “Nothing. I—“
“Nothing!? Tch, bullshit. If you’re here in the middle of the night, almost breaking my door, then something must be off. Is it something with Naruto?”
“No, he’s fine.”
“Kakashi, then?”
“No, he’s okay, too. I—“
“Are you sure you are okay?”
“I’ve said I’m fine already, didn’t I?!”
With every question, she could feel her anxiety building up inside of her. Of all the things that could have happened that night, being practically interrogated by him was not something she had imagined at all. And whether she liked to admit it or not, that was probably better than what she had originally planned— which was, again, nothing at all.
“Sakura, then, why—“
“Can you just shut up for a minute and let me talk!?”
Her heart was beating too fast inside her chest now, and she realized she had no control of the situation anymore. Sakura was just there, growing mad for no reason at all, and he was also growing slightly irritated because it was the middle of the night and she had just woken him up so she could literally stand there making no sense.
God, what a night.
Silence settled between them for a couple of seconds and her green eyes started to inspect him out of habit. His breathing pattern was slower now, his eyes still trying to read her, and Sakura was starting to feel overwhelmed by that. She had to say something. Anything or else he was going to think she was insane— and maybe she was because she didn’t really know what the fuck she was doing there anymore.
A new sigh escaped her lips, and she closed her eyes for a second, trying to recollect what was left of her. She looked at him, then, and took a deep breath, the cold air reaching her lungs. “Look, no one is hurt. The village is safe, and for all I know, all of our friends are sleeping safely right now.”
“Then why—“
“Why am I standing at your door at such stupid hours and making a fuss for nothing?” She asks, rhetorically. “Honestly, I don’t even know, but here I am.”
He stopped for a moment, his face now holding a very confused expression. His fingers reached for the bridge of his nose and he closed his eyes for a moment, the adrenaline from earlier finally wearing off. He was annoyed, she could tell. Still, at least the interrogatory was over.
“Look, Sakura… I’m going to ask you something and I promise your answer won’t change the way I see you as the respectable shinobi you are.” He stopped for a second, tension now building up inside of her. “Are you drunk?”
Her brows knitted in confusion, and his question took her completely by surprise. She had no idea of what kind of expression was spread across her face right now, but she could bet it was a strange one. He couldn’t really be serious.
“What?” she asked, not really believing he was asking her such a thing.
“It’s a completely normal question. Did you go out for drinks with the Godaime?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Are you sure?”
"I’m not drunk, Sasuke-kun!” She yelled at him, her red cheeks now puffed in anger. She clenched her fists, but loosed them after a second. It was late and cold, and damn, she should’ve thought properly before crossing the village wearing only one of her father’s large t-shirts and some fluffy trousers. That was not working at all. “Can I come in?”
When she asked him that, it was like something clicked inside of him and he realized that they were, indeed, in the middle of a winter night. Whatever was happening, they could do it inside his house, where it was clearly more comfortable. “Aah, of course. Come in.”
“Thanks.”
They entered his house, then, and for she was already used to it, the pinkette ended up leading him towards his living room. She sat on his couch, and with no ceremony, he sat next to her, their knees practically brushing. He was close enough so she could feel some heat radiating from him, and somehow that offered her some kind of comfort.
Of course it did. He is Sasuke-kun, the boy who has been holding her heart for at least a decade now. The same boy who can make her smile and cry with a single smile— or the lack of one— and the one who has dared to compliment a girl in front of her. Ugh, not that again.
“Can I get you some tea?”
“N-No, I’m fine, thank you.” She bit her lower lip, the ugly jealousy starting to bite her insides again. “Sasuke-kun, I need to ask you something.”
“Hn. I’m listening.” And indeed he was. He has always been a good listener, and perhaps that’s why it has always been so easy for her to talk to him. Just being with him has always been enough for her, but now— now that it was late and she knew there was a chance that he could, eventually, be taken away from her— it just wasn’t. Not anymore.
She had to get it out of her chest. No matter the risks, she had to be honest, and whatever he decided to do with that honesty, she would have to accept it.
“The thing is… I don’t want to lose you, Sasuke-kun.” She bit her lip, her cheeks growing warmer. “Not again.”
His eyes widened, and she noticed the way his expression slowly melted into a softer one. His lips were pressed in a thin line, and he was looking at her with all the tenderness in the world, as if he immediately understood her. “I'm not running away from the village again, Sakura. I won’t—“
“Not like that.” She spoke, and she could feel her cheeks growing redder in embarrassment. “I’m not worried about you leaving the village again, Sasuke-kun. I’m just scared that, when you decide to stay… It won’t be with me.”
Though she had decided to be straightforward about the whole thing, Sakura didn’t think she could use any other words to describe her feelings at that moment. That was the best she could muster at that moment, and that would have to do.
Her eyes were looking straight at him, carefully searching for something— anything that told her he had understood the real meaning behind her words. She could feel that her heart was about to burst out at any moment now. Her hands were shaking on her lap, and with every second of torturing silence, she could feel her senses screaming at her to run away and never look back.
Perhaps, if she ran home at that moment, he could go back to bed and pretend it was all a strange dream. Perhaps she could try to convince him she was, in fact, wasted after a night out with her master. Perhaps—
A sudden warmth enveloped her small hands, and when she looked down at them, she saw his big, calloused palm over them. His skin was warm and his thumb carefully started to caress the back of her hand in circular movements. Her eyes widened at that, and when she lifted her head to look at him, his eyes were already on hers.
They were so deep at that moment— so delicate and caring that she just couldn’t bring herself to look away from them. His eyes have always been her favorite things about him, and even after everything, she still found them the most gorgeous things in the entire world.
“You’ve always had the strangest concerns, Sakura…” He spoke softly, as his lips slightly curled upwards. “How could it not be with you?”
Her eyes were tearing up now, her lips twisting into a pout. A wave of relief was spreading across her body, and she knew she was really close to start ugly-crying in front of him. “It couldn’t?”
“Of course not.” He squeezed her hands. “As long as you don’t change your mind, then—“
She cut his words before he could finish his sentence as she pressed her cold lips against his warm ones. It was an impulse she couldn’t control, and she was glad for that. After years of holding back and imagining how actually kissing him would feel like, there she was, making the first move and making sure he knew there was no changing her mind.
His lips, as she realized, were soft as she had always pictured them to be, and she couldn’t help the sparks that took over her at such simple contact. She had dreamed about that for most of her life, and once she felt his hand cupping her cheek as he started to kiss her back, Sakura realized that it was all worth it in the end.
She was smiling against his lips, and though chaste, that was probably the most intimate moment they’ve ever shared. Once they parted, she noticed that his hand remained on her cheek, and she couldn’t help but lean against it. Her eyes were holding a smile of their own, and even if her life depended on it, she didn’t think she could hide the happiness radiating from inside of her core.
Not from him. Not at that moment.
“I won’t ever change my mind.” She said, eagerly.
“Hn, that’s good to hear.” He said, caressing her cheek one more time before letting his hand slide from her face.
“And you better not change yours either, Sasuke-kun!”
“Where did you even get this stupid idea from, anyway?”
“Eh?” Her eyes widened, a new blush taking over her cheeks. How on earth was she going to explain to him that she woke him up and kissed him in the middle of the night just because he complimented a random girl the other day when the whole team 7 was together having lunch? He would never stop mocking her if she told him that. “No particular reason…”
“Tch.” He scoffed. “Honestly, you’re spending too much time with that Dobe.”
“And whose fault is that?” She crossed her arms across her chest, a mocking tone lacing her words.
“Hn, you might have a point.” He nodded, accepting her words, but choosing not to comment on them. “Are you feeling better now?”
“A lot. I was going insane back home, and I just had to do something about it. Sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night.”
“It's fine. Whenever you need."
“Hey, don’t get used to me just coming in and kissing you!” She blushed madly, finally remembering her boldest move.
“Your words, not mine.”
“Shannarou.” She sighed, her heart a lot lighter now. Anxiety was no longer torturing her from the inside, and the green monster of jealousy was now silenced in the depths of her mind.
In the end, Sakura was glad for doing what she did. She was proud for finally taking a stand and not just keep waiting for a magical moment that might never come.
She took the first step towards a new future filled with possibilities, and though she didn’t really know what was to come next, at least, she knew for sure that, in the end, they would be together. And for the moment, that was enough.
fin.