Misplaced Princess

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe but I do have an imagination of my own. I love your reviews and will be glad to take advice and suggestions from my readers while continuing the story.

Thinking

Biju, etc. speaking

Biju, etc. thinking

Emphasis

She breathed in heavily as her eyes steeled - although she refused to look at her captor's faces. "Uzumaki Naruto, Academy Registration Number 012607. By the Shodai's Second Law, subsection C, that is all I am required to give you as a future shinobi and citizen of Konohagakure." She looked up at the Sannin and snarled at them. "One more thing: kiss my ass."

"Find Yamanaka Inoichi," the shaking Yondaime Hokage ordered. Ibiki left the room, feeling like he just avoided nearly more insanity than even he could handle. The Hokage disappeared in a yellow flash.

Kakashi sat with his mouth still open underneath his mask. His pack... the way the girl looked like sensei - and Kushina-nee - he suddenly found upon continuing to stare at her… It made sense, but it was impossible, right? How? How could…? No, this couldn't be his little sister! Could it? He continued to watch as the blonde was put under anesthesia without further problems. He needed to find his sensei.

Inoichi Yamanaka was pissed but understood he had to serve his village and friend who happened to be the Hokage. As his teammate would've said, it was a real drag, though. The three members of the Ino-Shika-Cho team had worked hard both during the Nine-tails attack by fighting and afterward in supporting the village. They hadn't been sent out to look for Minato and Kushina's baby but had been placed in charge of various things throughout the village, as well as dealing with clan duties. After the entire fox mess, he and his bros really wished they hadn't allowed the sweet-talking Minato-kun to ruin their lives by taking over Clan Head duties on top of everything else they had to deal with as shinobi. Sure, Minato needed them and the rest of their classmates to support him on the council, but it was too troublesome now. 

Kami-sama, I'm turning in Shikaku.

Chouza was basically in charge of physical reconstruction, his clan's jutsu being perfect to carry around the large loads needed to replace fallen walls and buildings. Shikaku - that lazy bastard - was strategizing… in other words, physically doing nothing while being forced to put that big brain of his to work. Inoichi himself had been heading up all intelligence regarding - well, everything - but especially matters regarding the Bijuu attack, as well as scouting and approving medicinal plants and poisons. His family's shop was a mess - and not because of the attack. Tsunade-hime was in town and damned if that scary woman wasn't grabbing pieces of every precious plant, flower, and tree in stock. He sighed as he read over a report handed over by Ibiki on the subject he had to examine. "No fucking way."

It was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever read… a 13-year-old female jinchuuriki who thought she was the Yondaime's child. He would've laughed out loud if his friends and he weren't mourning the actual Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze's disappearance. "Naruto:" leave it to Kushina and Minato to name their kid after ramen…

Gods, if it was Ino-chan missing, he wouldn't know what to do, aside from killing the bastards that dared lay a hand on his baby girl. He groaned and stood up from his chair. Ibiki-kun was making the preparations needed for him to walk this girl's mind. The whole thing was dangerous - it was plainly against code to mind walk a jinchuuriki - but if this obviously delusional girl could help with finding the real baby? He'd do it.

Catching Ibiki in the hall, Inoichi told him he was going to briefly speak with his father. He doubted his dad had ever mind-walked a tailed beast's vessel, but someone in the clan had made that rule, so it must have happened before, with terrible results. He shook off that thought. He'd just ask his father about the rule, not letting the man know he was going to actually do such a thing. Perhaps Pops can give me some advice to avoid danger, as long as I don't let him know I'm going to actually go through with it… Gods knew that if his father found out, he'd probably tie him up and go do the jutsu himself. His old man was strong enough physically to do so, no doubt about it, but the entire clan knew that Inoichi was the best at their craft. He put the girl's report in his flack jacket and headed out.

"Kakashi-kun, what's going on?!" Kushina asked worriedly. Minato had come home earlier and hardly even looked at her, which wasn't like him at all, especially after earlier asserting that she was some weakling who needed care. Kakashi didn't respond and Kushina got a horrible feeling in her gut. "Kakashi-kun, did you go to T&I? Did you find the girl? Oh, Kami: is she still alive?! Please," she began, holding tears at bay.

"Maa, she's… just fine, Kushina. Is sensei here?"

No honorific: so unlike Kakashi. She felt like Kakashi was telling the truth, but her senses were dulled right now, so she couldn't say for sure. She tried smiling up at the boy. "He's upstairs right now, Kashi-kun, but I think something's wrong." The brat didn't bother to look surprised. Hmmm… "He actually carried up a bottle of sake. Weird, huh?" Kakashi only nodded, then headed upstairs. Something is definitely off with those two!

Inoichi returned to his office and took a deep breath, His father hadn't given him any information about handling a jinchuuriki, other than telling him, "DON'T."

He had no choice, though. Minato was his friend and had totally saved his team's asses against Iwa in the war repeatedly, plus he wanted to help! No matter how much the Yondaime denied the truth as Inoichi saw it, he and so many others owed the man a life debt.

Walking into his special interrogation room, the one only his clan could fully utilize, he looked over the young blonde's face. Her body was in The Box, and she was out cold. He grabbed his chair from the desk and pumped the footrest to hold him up higher so that he could relax while performing the jutsu. Before he began, he prayed that Kami allow him to not only get the information they so badly needed but also to allow him to survive intact so that he could continue to support and love his family. Two of his fellow Yamanaka clansmen came into the room and took their seats on either side of the box. He held out his hand to the girl's head, took a deep breath, and went inside the girl's mind. 

A sewer?

An unending sewer, it seemed. He walked and walked through stagnant waters - Kami, this girl has problems - before reaching a block. He saw huge sealed gates on either side of him up ahead, and gods was that frightening. A tailed beast was not something he ever wanted to see again. Before he could think of it more, memories began replaying in front of him, beyond the gates.

Odd. It was all from her perspective, of course, but he had the sensation of flying or flipping and falling. Inoichi had to hold himself in place because it was so… different. He heard a baby's cry. Dear Kami! Does she have memories from when she was this young? It was nearly unheard of. "She must be a genius." His words were followed by what he thought was a low, loud snort, but that was impossible. Unless it's part of what she's experiencing as an infant? He watched as colors blurred and images he couldn't make out continued on what was basically a screen between the two cages.

Sadness, and pain. It was nearly overwhelming, and Inoichi had seen a lot in his time. And I've felt a lot from others while using this jutsu, too. This felt about as bad as he'd remembered ever experiencing, though. Just as he wondered how long things would remain so dark, a bright light appeared. It was the opening of a door. A closet… He saw brooms, glass on the floor, then saw a little hand and emaciated arm - her hand, her arm - just as his blood ran cold. It was Konoha's orphanage matron: a woman he and his teammates had just seen two days ago when they delivered baby Choji's outgrown clothes and blankets...

She had the most horrifying expression on her face, and he felt the child flinch in terror. "Demon!" "Monster!" She - this woman he KNEW - hit the girl! She couldn't be more than a toddler at this point. Something greenish-brown was thrown at the girl, along with water that he felt hit her in the face before the woman once again slammed the door closed. Inoichi felt sick as he realized the child was desperately eating whatever had been thrown at her, and she was trying to drink the water on the ground. This scene repeated itself again and again, and he jumped ahead, unable to stomach it anymore.

Suddenly she was jerked out of the room, thrown into a bathtub, and scrubbed down viciously. "Listen you little brat, the Hokage is coming and you won't say a word!" Inoichi felt the girl's fear as she nodded at the teenager she was facing. Something was thrown over her head and eventually, she was nearly dragged down the stairs. Seeing the Sandaime in his old Hokage robes nearly threw Inoichi out of his jutsu, it was so shocking. The man looked terrible as he lowered himself to look into the girl's eyes. The girl was trying to look away, but Hiruzen Sarutobi gently patted her head and only smiled.

"Hello, Naruto-chan. Do you know who I am?" Inoichi watched through the girl's eyes as she shook her head - it was a powerful memory, so clear and real! He noticed the ANBU behind the Sandaime - the man who was for some reason wearing THE Hat that indicated that Sarutobi Hiruzen was in charge again.. If he wasn't mistaken, the men behind the Sandaime were Minato's guard and student. The Sandaime picked the girl up and proceeded to tell her who he was, and what a Hokage is as she listened attentively. Eventually, she bowed in greetings to Minato's guard - no doubt about it, there was a senbon sticking through that Bear mask - but Minato's teenage brat sunshinned away before she reached him. The girl was excited, though, having never seen anything so fast - although Inoichi felt more than annoyed at the silver-haired ANBU's reaction to the girl. Time passed, but things didn't get any better for her unless she was outside - and often locked out. She would wave at the ANBU in the trees, sensing them, he supposed. The poor little thing tried to make friends at the Leaf's orphanage but they'd only call her those terrible names or cower in fear of her. It was disgusting.

She ran away, thank Kami. It was becoming torture, and the girl kept healing perfectly in spite of it. Inoichi wanted to scream for her to tell the Sandaime, who was a somewhat regular presence in her life. How long she then lived on the streets, he could not tell, but when she was tempted to go into Ichiraku's by the ramen chef and his daughter, he felt her fear increase again. It was no wonder. She was being treated like filth by almost everyone, many he even recognized. She didn't even know how to use chopsticks at first: "You can call me Ayame-nee: I'll teach you!" Suddenly everything became light: the girl's mood had brightened so. She spent a lot of time at the stand, it seemed she was there almost daily. And good gods: she ate like his friends, Minato and Kushina. Scary.

He watched the Sandaime find her and take the girl to his office: yes, the Sandaime was using his old office - Minato's office - as his own. The girl was falling asleep on the couch - she barely looked like a girl, her hair was shaved so short when he saw her in a mirror earlier, as he heard Sarutobi say, "Forgive me, Minato-kun." Inoichi had to pause his jutsu to consider and stomach everything. It was obvious: in her memories, Minato was dead. What the fuck?

Inoichi took a deep breath and observed his surroundings. Calming his mind, he went through various exercises to ensure he was not being fooled. How can this be real? He checked off possibilities: programming, genjutsu, blocks, seals, anything that could possibly allow him to see these impossible things: these things that were just so wrong. After exhausting his extensive list of what could affect the jutsu, he logically at this point knew what he was seeing was real, at least from her standpoint, but his heart didn't want to believe it.

A new apartment: a pathetic excuse for a sweet little girl's home. The Sandaime gifted it to her and gave her money to spend. Was he insane? The village hated her! She had to go out, untrained, and try to buy food or anything else, which was terribly overpriced if she was even allowed into a store: it was ridiculous! And she's all alone.

Things got interesting. It seems the little blonde had enough of the taunts and fists of villagers and she began seeking vengeance, which she called pranks. She got in everywhere, doing terrible things! They deserve it though, although her actions were probably a reason the Sandaime looked and acted even older now. Kami, they really needed Minato…

The Academy: it looked nearly the same although some of it looked like it had been rebuilt. The girl was swaying back and forth slowly on a swing, all alone, aside from ANBU who were in the trees. Oh, she knew they were there and following her, but they never spoke to her. That was probably the reason the girl went after the ANBU - including its HQ - on a regular basis. How could they not catch a child with so little education? She was fast, he'd give her that. Inside, Inoichi compared her speed to her fath-, er - Minato's. She wasn't quite as fast as him when she was his age but still: the kid could move, and she was slippery.

"Get away from her, morons!" Inoichi watched as a little Hyuuga was defended from bullies much bigger than her by this blonde, brave little stinker. She got the worst of it - one couldn't even really call it a fight - especially as she laid in the snow, shivering.

"Here!" The little Hyuuga handed her a red scarf. Stuttering terribly - weird for a Hyuuga, even a Hyuuga child - she eventually managed to get out, "Arigatou!"

"Meh, it's no problem, I hate bullies! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! What's your name?!"

"Ano…" More weird stuttering. "My name is Hyuuga Hinata, it is a pleasure to meet you Naruto-kun!" Dear Kami: Hiashi's baby girl. Can it be? Oh, she thinks Naruto is a boy... He watched, feeling little Naruto's happiness until an older Hyuuga Ko appeared. That little brat had the nerve to pull Naruto's new friend away! Naruto even heard him warn the little Hyuuga to "stay away from that boy at all costs, Hinata-sama, or I will have to speak with your father." Inoichi felt a degree of pride as Naruto blew a raspberry at him and used an obscene hand gesture to reply to his insult.

Inoichi pulled back again. "Alright, I'm getting emotional," and attached? I've always had this issue when dealing with children, especially since Ino-chan was born. He shook his head and continued the jutsu, watching the girl as she grew, failing the clone jutsu again and again. He would've wondered why they weren't changing the jutsus needed to pass as they normally did each year a bit, but it was obvious the girl was being purposely stopped from progressing.

The mind walker faltered as he saw himself and his teammates through her eyes. She was on that swing again… She continued to look at his team before looking away again, especially as... Inoichi closed his eyes. Three children: his teammates' boys, and his own little girl. "You're so troublesome, Ino-chan," muttered a boy that could be Shikaku's little clone. He continued trying to see his daughter through the girl's eyes - he couldn't help himself - but Naruto was paying more attention to the chips little Choji, who wasn't so little, continued to stuff in his mouth. He occasionally caught sight of the girl who was so obviously a Yamanaka - his daughter? - flitting around with a pink-haired girl. Inoichi wasn't sure he'd ever seen pink hair before. He wondered why Chouza was glaring at little Naruto, although it was obvious even to her that he and his team were whispering about her. Are we really that obvious?

"It's very nice to see you again, Naru-chan," whispered a male voice behind the girl. Way too close, Inoichi thought. He felt the girl beaming like the sun at the long-haired Uchiha.

"Weasel-chan!" The boy held up a finger to his lips. "Sorry, Itachi-kun," she giggled.

"Aniki, who's this loser?" the boy's kin said arrogantly. What kind of little punk is this, and this Itachi-kun's way too old for her, Inoichi thought, just before the indignation finally rolled off Naruto-chan in waves.

"What did you say, Bastard?" Inoichi didn't remember the girl ever really standing up for herself to a child verbally before. Suddenly the little Yamanaka girl was screaming in her face - dear Gods, don't let that be my child! - along with the pink-haired one and a few other normal-looking girls. He felt Naruto flinch and back down, before looking over to the Uchihas. There was an older one laughing in the back - another weird thing, for an Uchiha, anyway - as the Itachi-brat scolded his sneering younger brother. Kami, that little shit made expressions like that ignoramus, Fugaku, but looked like his wife. The older one had it nearly the opposite, poor thing. He'd better keep his hands off the little Uzumaki, though.

A new sensei. One that she continually harassed and ran ragged. Umino? Holy shit: Ikkaku and Kohari's kid! Crap: Kohari was in the hospital following the attack, but she should recover...

Time went on as Naruto - whom it seemed everyone but the Hokage thought was a boy, and Gods did the kid look like Minato - made friends with a school-aged Kiba Inuzuka, Shikamaru and Choji. They really needed discipline, that's for sure. The girls - his supposed daughter included - couldn't stand the girl as they inappropriately swooned over the younger Uchiha. I am so not allowing that to happen, and my daughter will be wearing more clothes than that!

He paused his jutsu again after learning that the Uchiha clan was annihilated, aside from two members, one being the clan slaughterer. Unthinkable! They were one of the founding clans of the village, and now they're supposedly gone?

Why Naruto was playing up a stupid act as she continued to yell about being Hokage, he could only imagine, but Inoichi was getting tired of it. That all changed when she failed the clone jutsu again and she knocked out the Hokage with that unbelievable jutsu. He had to admit it: if that thing were unleashed on him, he might fall for it too, bloody nose and all - if he hadn't seen it here first, reflected in the glass case behind the Hokage's desk.

Heartbroken. That asshole traitor of a sensei told her she was the Kyuubi itself, and that she'd killed her hero, the Yondaime, and Umino's parents. He reigned in his KI, not wanting to frighten his clansmen in the room outside of this mindscape. He didn't want to pull out of his jutsu, either, as he'd have to begin again. Inoichi could admit it: he was invested, and even felt pride when suddenly hundreds - or maybe a thousand or more of the orange-clad girl appeared and nearly beat the traitor to death, after which she finally got her headband. Inoichi realized he was smiling despite himself.

Great: his so-called daughter and the pink banshee just beat up the girl following an accidental kiss that Naruto herself was gagging over. Fortunately, Umino put an end to it. Hatake, huh? Isn't that interesting: the brat is coming back into her life. He watched Sarutobi's son take over as the new Ino-Shika-Cho sensei; Asuma had an actual beard, unlike now, and Naruto's nose confirmed that he probably smoked as much as his father. Kurenai Yuhi was a sensei, too: she looked hot. Inoichi slapped himself as he watched her leave with her team: she's actually just a teenager, idiot!   Only three kids left: Team 7, which seemed to him to be cursed right about now. He hadn't seen Jiraiya-sama, either, so he wondered if he was supposedly dead, too.

Naruto's prank eraser fell on her sensei's head. Kami, the brat had gotten a lot bigger than he'd expected: his body along with his crazy silver hair. Still wearing the mask, still had his gifted Sharingan covered, he was just Kakashi with a lot of height and muscle packed on, but with a lazy gait. And Hatake seemed dangerous, as he told the kids he hated them at first sight. That pissed Inoichi off, especially as the girl recognized his chakra. He was sick of seeing everyone being so mean to the kid.

Is that… porn? There was definitely a big NO symbol around a number 18: yeah, Minato's brat student is reading porn in front of what is obviously his daughter - as much as I can tell now. Oh, he couldn't wait to tell Minato: his prized student/pseudo-son was creating an excellent impression of Minato's own sensei, only obviously more apathetic to an extreme. The kid/man didn't even stand up straight or keep that one eye of his fully open. Probably isn't peeping because he's too damn lazy. Hatake-kun, or "Kakashi-sensei," obviously didn't want the team but they managed to pass that old bell test by the skin of their teeth.

After a few words regarding the importance of teamwork and rule-breaking, the blonde looked at the Hatake like the sun shone straight out his absent, perverted ass. Unreal. He couldn't believe that Tora was still alive, although he'd heard that his sensei's team had chased after the horrible cat, too.

Naruto fought with Sasuke every single day until they went to Wave. He was impressed by Kakashi's amazing skills against one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, although the team should've never been there alone: hopefully, this would be Hatake's wake-up call. Asking his newly graduated students if they should go on after dealing with some B-ranked assassins on their first trip out of the village while Naruto was poisoned? Kyuubi or not, she was lucky to eventually burn off that poison, and Inoichi could feel how sick the girl felt. ...Sick and guilty for not reacting as well as her "rival" did. She came out on top in the end though, saving a woman and her son, saving Sasuke - who had also saved her - and had a damn bridge named after her before they left. She'd also learned some important hardships and truths about shinobi life.

Continuing his idiocy, Kakashi-brat registered them for the Chunin exams. I thought he was supposed to be a genius?! How long had they even been registered Genins? And he tells them the DAY BEFORE the exams? After turning up hours late again, which his whole Genin team had come to expect?! Inoichi really wanted to hit the little soon-to-be-pervert now, and just might do it after his jutsu was over.

Orochimaru? No! The Snake Sannin was known to be beyond pissed that he hadn't been "crowned" as the Yondaime Hokage - and everyone knew he was a weirdo - but this was too much. He bit the Uchiha in a matter so disgusting it was nearly unimaginable. It was also pretty obvious to Inoichi that the crazed man - who looked like a (shredded) woman even more than he usually did - knew exactly who Naruto was, as he did something to her seal. Plus there was this blood-lust crazy Suna red-head that wanted to kill everyone. Feeling the little blonde's embarrassment over farting on the Inuzuka helped Inoichi's tension a little: it was just so ridiculous, and the fact that she won was the icing on the cake.

There you are, Jiraiya-sama! With everything he was witnessing, he was actually relieved to see the Toad Sage. Peeping on women as usual: how did this guy make enough money to cover all his sexual harassment lawsuits? Oh, dear gods, he's gotten the little blonde to help him - and she showed off that scandalous jutsu to get him to help her prepare for the finals. He does know she's a girl, right? Surely he knew that. Or so Inoichi thought, as the toad sage began regaling tales to a reluctant Naruto all about the wonders of the female body. Then he threw her off a cliff.

Who knew the Kyuubi could talk? Grumpy fox… The blonde was awfully rude to the most powerful of all bijuu, though.

Seeing Minato's toad underneath her was surreal, but things just kept getting crazier. The beyond-help Suna redhead told Naruto and Shikaku's kid he'd kill them, just before a grown-up, muscle-bound Gai-kun saved a mini-Gai from being sand crushed or something. Once again, he could hardly believe what these barely teenage kids were going through in their home village. He could also barely believe that Gai had not only failed to give up that horrible green spandex, but he'd convinced another kid to wear the same thing. It was awful!

She - this little girl whose head he had entered - beat a Hyuuga prodigy, then almost immediately beat a fully transformed Tailed Beast, and saved its red-headed host. Her words were so sad but so truthful.

On this one day of her life, Inoichi found that Hizashi was long dead after a Kumo attack on his niece - which was absolutely horrible - then nearly fell over upon realizing that another Hokage was dead. This one - in this timeline or whatever it was - was also killed by his student. That is if Obito-kun was responsible for the Yondaime's death in her "time." Truthfully, he didn't know what to think or call what he was experiencing.

Naruto was now Jiraiya-sama's official apprentice, and they took off to find Tsunade to be the Godaime? Did that make any sense?! He watched her as she ran into another Swordsman of the Mist and her Uchiha crush who had killed his entire clan. He thought that she was going to die until her teammate came in running, Kakashi-kun's original jutsu blazing, but got his ass handed to him by his older brother. It was horrible. Thank Kami Jiraiya-sama came back, although seeing him carrying a young woman once again pissed him off. Honestly, you'd think he'd be a little more responsible with Minato's daughter.

Crap, I'm beginning to really believe all of it. How could he not, though? Not only was he seeing all of it through her eyes, but he could feel her happiness in being out of the village, her fear, anger… all of it!

Even Jiraiya-sama believed that Itachi-kun was a monster of a ninja, and just a monster, it seemed. Kami: he's such a sweet little boy right now. Inoichi shook off the incredibly disturbing thoughts, as he watched the little blonde give the incredibly powerful drunk Tsunade-hime hell with a truth-dunk of fantastic proportion. He would've laughed out loud at seeing the kid master the Rasengan it had taken his genius leader three years to complete (and she did it IN A WEEK!) had she not had to use it to save Tsunade-hime from that boy and Orochimaru, who tried to kill her. He thought he might have seen a young version of that Kabuto-asshat somewhere... Tsunade came through, though - and Kami help us all, because she became the Godaime Hokage. How bad would the village's luck get with the Legendary Sucker in control?

Inoichi groaned. Pretty fucking bad… The younger Uchiha left the village in the heat of jealousy over the blonde and vengeance. Orochimaru's "curse mark" led to a disgusting physical change in the boy as he repeatedly attacked the girl; he used Kakashi's Chidori on her again. Inoichi had to hold back his nausea when Naruto looked down to see the little shit's arm going THROUGH her chest and back. He could feel the kid's horrible pain and hear the Kyuubi bitching and screaming at the kid, who for his own reasons saved the little blonde.

Why did the kid care about getting her teammate back to the village? Well, at this point, Inoichi knew that Naruto was just not normal, as she was off - mostly left to her own devices - for years with Jiraiya-sama. She trained like her life was on the line, which it was. He had to admit it was damned funny when Naruto couldn't take her master's lecherous ways and told him that she was a female. It was also great to see the old perverted Sage nearly instantly turn into the most overprotective grandpa he could even imagine. He didn't take too well to Naruto secretly dating the formerly-murderous, red-headed, soon-to-be-Kazekage when they were training and hiding out in the Sand: that was certain.

When she came back to the village it was obvious to everyone, apparently, that she was a young woman: one that got a lot of attention, much to Jiraiya's and Kakashi's chagrin. Tsunade was still a drunk, but apparently had her shinobis' respect - although the amount of paperwork in her office showed that she really wasn't cut out for the job. It was a job Naruto still wanted, no matter how silly she was. Her pink-haired teammate worked with her as a fellow kunoichi but was obviously terribly jealous of the blonde. Inoichi was worried it would end in something bad, and he could tell that Kakashi-kun was, too.

Her ex-boyfriend the Kazekage was dead - killed by those hunting the jinchuuriki. And then he was alive, saved by some unknown jutsu by that nasty medic puppeteering woman from the Second Ninja War. Kami, these Akatsuki members were frightening, certainly S-class rogue shinobi, Inoichi thought worriedly. He snickered at Kakashi's threats to the Kazekage regarding his relationship with Naruto before he was piggy-backed by the Green Beast. The Sabuku kids definitely weren't bothered in the least by the mutterings of the chakra-exhausted "Copy Ninja."

A Mokuton user. Was he maybe Tsunade's kid? He supposed they had to be related. And added to the misfits was the most obnoxious and pale kid Inoichi had ever seen. Even if it was a temporary assignment, it was not okay to call your female teammates, "Ugly and Bimbo." This Sai kid had a death wish, that was certain.

"ROOT?" Danzo's private army? Fucking hell! As her sensei and captain explained Danzo's forces - and how it had been approved by the Sandaime, Naruto - and Inoichi - were horrified. How stupid could the Sandaime be? The blonde tried to get more answers, but apparently, Kakashi had saved this Yamato - or was it Tenzo? - when he briefly entered ROOT for Kami only knows what reason, so he knew only a little about it. The Mokuton user showed a seal on his tongue and Naruto dove into fuuinjutsu, swearing to get it off of him.

In came little Anko-chan, not so little in Naruto's eyes. In fact, she was quite grown up. She had a cursed seal from Orochimaru, too, as she described to Naruto what had happened when she was just 13. If he wasn't mistaken, the sassy girl was about that age now. Kami-forbid Orochimaru does this to a child in the present time! The A-ranked shadow clones Naruto threw around like an aunty with coins at a fountain continued working hard on fuuinjutsu: it seemed to be in her blood.

Who knew the Rasengan wasn't really completed? Did Minato even know - he'd never mentioned it to him but did that mean anything? His friend was always training when not inundated with paperwork and other duties, along with eating ramen with Kushina... He watched as the girl trained with her superiors, and he would swear that Kakashi was leering at her and her clones from behind that porn of his as she worked in a rather skimpy swimming suit to split a waterfall, which sounded insane until she managed it.

Asuma was dead. Kami, who else? His teammates' kids and Kakashi went to get revenge on this pair of "Akatsuki:" oh, he was so not letting his little girl do shit like that! And she was way too provocatively dressed, kunoichi or not! Inoichi immediately decided that a hideous orange jumpsuit would do Ino-chan just fine.

A man who couldn't be killed was taken away alone by Shikaku's son, while Naruto jumped in with the biggest, most destructive fucking jutsu he'd ever seen to destroy the guy who had to be the oldest shinobi in history. They got them! How did this immortality even work? He'd heard of those Jashin-worshipers, but he never thought they were something to be feared - unless, of course, you were on the other end of their profanity. Their language was far worse than even the little blonde's he was observing.

Jiraiya was dead; Naruto's grief was overwhelming. Once again she transferred her feelings into her training to become a Sage, like her mentor. Like Minato…

She returned with a battalion of battle toads to the village after hearing of its attack. Kami-sama, the village was utterly destroyed. What the hell could cause this devastation? Internally, Inoichi begged for this not to be real - to never be real! Kakashi was dead now, too - and Naruto could sense everyone. She saved Tsunade before going after these orange-haired bastards with a vengeance. One of them called the recently deceased Jiraiya "Sensei?" And the asshole had killed the Toad Sage?

The Hyuuga girl saved the blonde's life, but in response, the blonde unleashed the Kyuubi. He could barely see through the red haze of fury surrounding the girl until she was… transforming? Being caged in a moon or planet of some sort? It was horrible, and the Kyuubi was taking advantage of the girl's rage and grief. Suddenly Minato appeared: telling his daughter how proud he was of her, while the girl couldn't even understand that she was his daughter at all. He explained his death at the hands of that orange-masked idiot and the Kyuubi and said Kushina's chakra had been implanted with his to help her in the future. He told her he believed in her. Her father fixed her seal, and she was herself again, standing atop the floating rocks, then jumping down with determination to finish off the last of these "Peins."

He, a future-Inoichi, was all but screaming at her to stop. Kami, I look old, but not as old as Shikaku, he briefly thought. This amazing child found the original Pein - an Uzumaki - along with another one of Jiraiya's former students and defeated him. With heart and words. Inoichi realized he had tears falling down his face freely. No way, no matter how powerful this Pein was could he return life, though, right? But there was Kakashi-kun, carrying Naruto forward to a roaring crowd. She'd saved them all.

If he thought Danzo was bad before, he was horrified by his actions now. He'd ordered the Uchiha massacre, and Naruto's first crush had actually been a hero to the Leaf. Granted, Itachi-kun's actions drove his younger brother batshit-crazy, but the elder Uchiha had kissed a damn bird into the blonde's mouth that Inoichi felt might save them. It had a Shisui Uchiha's eye implanted into it. 

Gross. 

Gods, if this is real there's so much we need to do...

Kami-sama, it's Kirabe: the rapping jinchuuriki menace was her new shishou. He thought living things in the Forest of Death grew too large, but this Turtle Island was unreal! He watched her train with the man and eventually fight the Kyuubi along with her mother, Kushina, for the Bijuu's chakra. Man was the Kyuubi pissed, but she won. Inoichi was expecting it by this time. Then she sensed the war and escaped from barrier after barrier with the rapping crazy man.

He thought the war he had fought in was bad! First, she had to race the Raikage without dying to prove she was worthy of being the Child of Prophecy or something ridiculous. Inoichi knew the man just wanted another chance at beating the Yellow Flash. Naruto was a whole different manner of Yellow Flash - she was glowing, literally, and she did eventually beat him. The war though? Dead brought back to life, weird cannibal beings sprouting from the ground who could completely copy someone? Everyone was fooled by them aside from Naruto, apparently, who was now turning up trees like a mini-Shodaime. What the hell was that about?

The ten-tails: something he'd never heard of… Horrific! And there was Obito - a grown man now who was absolutely delusional and a complete psychopath. As much as Inoichi was not enjoying this Kakashi-kun's presence in the girl's mindscape, Obito had no right to say the things he did to the silver-haired man. Obito's affection for his teammate was enough to cause him to want to end the real world, to put everyone in a massive genjutsu? Things got even weirder from there. He saw the four dead Hokage, his friend included, back at the behest of Orochimaru and the last Uchiha of all people in a form they called the "Edo-Tensei." At least these four figures who had the jutsu used upon them were on their side though, unlike the rest had been.

Madara Fucking Uchiha was a monster - and one who refused to be sealed or die. A giant Octopus, Kirabe in his full glory, along with Naruto basically riding a giant nine-tails in its chakra cloak. Gods, she was calling the Kyuubi who had a name he couldn't hear - it was muffled every time either uttered it. But the beast was now Naruto's friend and partner. Inoichi shook his head in disbelief, watching the horror, as he found out how he died. Then Naruto was dead.

Who is this floating guy with that Pein guy's eyes: the "Rinnegan," right?

You've got to be shitting me! Inoichi watched as the fucking Sage of Six Paths said that the girl's carrying his kid's chakra - along with the crazy last Uchiha carrying his other kid's chakra? Oh, and they were also reincarnates of Senju Hashirama and Uchiha Madara? Sure, why the fuck not… Naruto came back to life as an insanely strong powerhouse, glowing with weird balls around her, while she levitated over one dimension after another, as she, the Uchiha brat, Kakashi-kun, and their pink-haired teammate battled a "Rabbit Goddess" and black thing along with a reformed half-dead Obito Uchiha. And they ended up beating the Goddess.

Everyone else was in weird tree pods, where they were getting their chakra sucked out. He watched Sasuke tell the blonde teenager - it was her birthday: what an asshole - that he was going to kill all the Kage and basically take over the world. Their fight at a now-destroyed Valley of the End was as devastating as it was unbelievable. Were they both dead again? Idiots… He saw Naruto wake up, followed by the Uchiha - each missing an arm. Dear gods: they were certainly in horrible shape and bleeding out. Thank Kami the pink-haired medic arrived along with the kids' sensei, but the young woman refused to heal the blonde.

"She has the Kyuubi, sensei! Sasuke doesn't," this Sakura person said. Naruto knew she was dying again, and would really die for good this time. With her last words, she forced the crying Kakashi and Sasuke to stop screaming at the Pink Harlot, asked Sasuke to promise to release the tailed beasts, begged all of them to make sure everyone got out of the "God Tree" safely. She reached up into Kakashi's hair and pulled the man closer.

"Kakashi, take care of the village for me… it doesn't look like I'll become Hokage after all, ne?" He could feel her smiling up at him as everything went dark.

Inoichi was wiped out. So much had taken place in these memories: important memories for the girl, that he had probably been in here much longer than he was normally with… well, normal shinobi. She certainly wasn't normal, he thought once again. She's extraordinary, he thought as he began to release the jutsu, only to find that the screen began to flicker again. That's not right…

A baby's cry - it had obviously been flung in the air by someone with a lot of orange: Obito. Explosions… Faces that couldn't be make out but the hair coloring? It was obviously Minato's and Kushina's, and he could nearly hear their last words to their baby this time.

What is going on? Inoichi really didn't want to witness this again unless he was forced to.

Happiness, love, security. What the hell? The last time he witnessed the girl's early life it was almost nothing but pain and loneliness! Once again, he slowed things down.

"Come, Naruto-chan, we have to talk your Uncle Asuma into staying. You can help me, ne?" He looked through her eyes at the Sandaime, whose Hokage robes were on a chair in his mansion's living room. Inoichi knew this had to be real, because how else would the girl see things exactly as he, himself, had seen them in this same room at various times since he was a child? Naruto nodded at the man, and this time she had long, wild blonde hair all around her vision. "You're such a good girl, Naru-chan. Grandpa can always count on you to help when I've screwed up." He felt the girl's love for the Sandaime and she beamed up at him while he held her hand. "You're the master of talk-no-jutsu, Naru-chan!" The girl blew a raspberry at him before throwing herself on Asuma-kun, who was grumbling and packing up in his room.

"Uncle Asuma, you aren't leaving me are you?" He could nearly feel her pout, as Asuma sunk down on his bed. Inoichi caught a look at her in the mirror, and good gods she looked different as a child this time. Healthy, shiny, bright… She was an adorable little thing, dressed in a fancy little kimono, as she tried to talk Asuma out of joining the Guardian 12.

Oh, he was wearing their emblem in the last… group of memories wasn't he? Inoichi didn't think about it too much then but now wondered why the man was leaving.

Aa, fighting with his father, wanting acknowledgment. Sure enough, the little blonde made him listen, and although he was still leaving, Asuma and his father shared some tender moments. He also realized from their discussion that Hiruzen's older son, Hibiki was dead. Terrible. I hope that I don't have to see what happened last time again. Hibiki's wife was expecting though, and eventually, Naru-chan had a little brother. Wait: it makes sense, but last time the kid named after the village was her little apprentice, though - and he thought she was a boy, for years.

Gods, he was getting a headache. How did this make sense? Now Naruto - or Naru-chan - was living and being hidden from outsiders by the Sarutobi Clan. Jiraiya-sama was training her in secret whenever he was in the village, as was Tsunade-sama. This is fucking crazy. What's the truth?

Aaaaand, once again he saw himself with the same little blonde girl, who he introduced to the "Princess" as his daughter, Ino-chan, and they became fast friends. Ino-chan was so beautiful...

Inoichi sat down on the sewer floors. Screw the stagnant water: he was mentally exhausted and needed time to try to figure out what was going on. A person couldn't live two lives, it just wasn't possible - right?