Tek It
There I lay, flat against the area rug in my living room, i’d moved to a bigger apartment but threw away all my furniture besides my bed and this carpet. My headphones blare, the music so adolescently depressing.
"I
watch the moon
let it run my mood
can't stop thinking of you,"
I was sure laying here, below everything, where the air was the coolest would make me feel better. That somehow I was just playing a role, pretending to be everything and nothing all at once. I didn't want to believe i'd submitted to him, let him run everything I am, every role I accepted, whether or not I could smile for a picture, how to pose, where to look- who to look at. I was his pawn, I stood still and let him win.
I would do it all over again if I could, if it meant keeping the intimate memory to myself a little longer, if it meant being a pawn, I'd lose the match every single time, with a smile at that.
However, that doesn't rid me of this ever melancholy feeling, the thought that I may hope to perish on the spot, becoming nothing but dust, sprinkled with glitter perhaps, maybe then I'd regain some semblance of whom I was once.
'Out of touch'
His german accent is slight, I don't even particularly like this song, just this part.
'Out of time
just get lost without a sign'
There's a knock on the door, I pull my headphones back slightly, making sure i'm not imagining it. A few seconds later there it is again, I put my headphones to the side, standing with a sigh.
I take a breath before I open it, Frank sends whoever whenever he feels like it so there's no telling who it is, that is till I open the door, seeing the woman that haunts my dreams, hell, my reality.
I let her in before she can say anything, she glances around.
"Where's all your stuff?"
I look around my barren apartment, my couches, my tv, side table, coffee table, its all gone. Nothing but the carpet, a placement mat still on the floor from when I'd eaten earlier, as not to spill on the carpet. I'd gotten rid of the dining table too. "I threw it all away." I say plainly, not turning to look at her when I go to sit cross legged on the carpet, long pressing the off button 0n my headphones.
"Why?" She slides her shoes off by the door, dropping her bag atop them. I watch her patterned socks come into view before she sits across from me, now it's her knees.
"Does it really matter?" I say soft, looking to meet her eyes on me, lighter than they once were, without all the drugs I could see the hazel of her eyes, warm like honey melted under sunlight, it eases something in me even if it doesn't show on my face. "Just didn't need any of it anymore."
Truth be told, I got rid of everything because it reminds me of something I'd rather forget, when I was weak, truly weak for the first time. In mind, in body. I still smell the clive christian on Franks suit, burned into my memory. I take a breath and sigh, pinching my leg, snapping myself back to reality.
"I'm really not sure what to say..." I don't want to address the elephant. "How are you, really?"
"I...I'm good, I'm clean, have been for a little bit now. I'm touring soon"
"That's good." I whisper glancing at the wall, following the ridges in the paint.
"Yeah," she says back, I feel her eyes on me. I would say this is awkward, but all I feel is tension, unresolved.
"Please, cut the shit, what was that at the party? I'm not on social media right now, but I see pictures of you and him on TMZ sometimes, what happened to you? What happened with him?" Her voice drips with desperation, sadness I was accustomed to using with her when I used to beg her to get clean, to listen to any sort of sense. I look to her. "Please, it's been so long, I dont...no matter what I'm still your friend, I want to help."
I think for a moment, picking at the carpet fibers. "Skye,"
"Please," her fingers graze my hand. "Talk to me."
I let my lips part, waiting for the words to spill, waiting to gather the courage.
"I didn't know where you were after your accident, if you were alive."
I look back at the carpet, yanking the fibers out with my nails, feeling so incredibly small.
"Nobody was answering, nothing on the news. I just knew you'd had a bad accident." My brows furrow. "I knew he'd know, nothing in this industry happens without him knowing, I just needed to know if you were alright. He had other plans for me, but he knew you were okay, that's all I needed to know. But it came with a price."
"What do you..what do you mean?"
"He always wanted me under him, wanted me period. Skye, there were cameras in my dressing room last year, nothing I knew about, he had a video of us, of me and you..."
"Oh," she whispers.
"He told me he would release it unless I was- I was under him. That would've ruined you Skye, I couldn't let that define you when you got back, I knew you would come back. I had to protect you, I could handle it, I could, but I didn't want you to. Now, now I'm stuck."
"You didn't have to put yourself through any of that, not for me, not for that woman I was, she wasn't worth this sadness etched into your face, this" she motions to my apartment, its bareness, it's lack of everything that once was me.
"Skye, I couldn't, I couldn't just..let everyone see you like that, not after those pictures of you leaked, I couldn't let them see you your most venerable, not you. Never you."
She approaches slowly, I can't help but flinch, but my body, it leans into her, remembering her touch, remember what is was to be touched by the only woman I've ever truly loved. I feel my eyes brim with tears, I move before she even has a chance to, crawling to lay against her, she uncrosses her legs pulling me to straddle her, arms around me, holding me like I would disappear. I press my face into her shoulder, crying into her shirt, it all pours out of me. A floodstorm of everything I hadn't felt coming back to me all at once, oh how I ache.
I dig my fingers into the cotton fabric, outright sobbing into her. She doesn't shush me, rather she runs her hands over the nape of my neck, stroking.
I'm not sure when I stop crying, when my sobs turn into shaky breaths, and all I can do is struggle to catch my breath.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, my voice nasally. "I'm sorry." I lean back, sitting against her thighs, she doesn't seem to mind.
"Why are you sorry?" She wipes my cheeks with the pads of her thumbs, pulling a tissue from her pocket, wiping at my face until she seems satisfied.
"You almost died—I don't know what you've been going through, here I am crying like an idiot." My fingers find solace under the hem of my sweater, I hide them there. "I don't even know where you've been, I promise I wanted to call, I wanted to visit but he wouldn't let me, that's no excuse-"
"Hey, shh no, don't think like that. Just because i'm in a full body cast doesn't mean your broken arm doesn't hurt. Don't compare your hurt to mine," she strokes my temple. "I don't know what's happened outside of what you told me."
I lean back to rest against her shoulder, I missed this, this safe touch, I hadn't been touched in this way in so long, nothing cruel, nothing hungry. Soft gentle sort of loving. She didn't want anything from me, but me.
"I don't know what happened while I was in the hospital, while I was in rehab but we're going to figure it out."
I sigh, burying my face in her neck. "Frank would have a fit if he knew you were here," I mumble. "He would, y'know."
"And you don't think he's bluffing?"
"No." I say with finality. "He's not."
"How do you—"
"It doesn't matter how I know, I know." I say lifting my head, giving her a look.
She searches my eyes for a moment, running her hand over her face. I slide off of her lap, taking my seat back across from her, knees to my chest, I don't say anything. I can tell she wants to.
"Do you...do you have the video? A copy at least?"
I do, back when the deal happened he handed me a flashdrive, video transferred onto it. It was a power move, he knew I wouldn't do anything, or maybe he just wanted to let me know he had copies.
"What are you getting at?" I feel a headache at the forefront of my skull.
She takes a shaky breath. "Lets leak it ourselves then."
"What...?" I look at her like she's insane.
"I'm serious, you wanted to protect me, I don't need to be protected, not anymore. I lost everything the moment I got into that crash, my name was dragged through the tabloids, the paramedics fuckin' took pictures of me on the scene next to my dead boyfriend. I watched them do it, everyone in the hospital told me I was just out of it. I've been seen every which way, at my fucking worse," She shifts, sitting on her knees. "I don't know what the fuck happened with you this past year, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want. I love you more than anyone else in this world. I don't need you to protect me anymore, let me do this one thing for you."
"Skye..."
"Do you want to spend the rest of your career under him, letting him do whatever it is that he's doing to you?"
"No—but I don't know." I say feeling defeated, scared for some.
"What do you have to lose?"
"I'm scared, what will people say? How will this come back?" I bring my hand up to my mouth, chewing my nails.
"I'm not on the internet, it doesn't matter. Fuck them, fuck the tour." She rubs her back absentmindedly.
I look around, giving her a long look before standing up, I walk to my bedroom, coming back a minute later with my computer and a flashdrive. I sit beside her, logging on before plugging it in, clicking on its file. I look away when I hit play, there's no sound, but you can see us clearly. I stand up, not wanting to see it again, I've seen it one too many times.
She closes the lid 3 minutes later, not bothering to watch the rest, clearing her throat. "It's not that bad." she's lying.
"It's... Your label isn't going to cancel another tour, you can't just choose not to do it either, they'll sue you for everything you're worth, and are you even ready to be out, Skye this is going to change everything in our lives as we know it and the public perception. I have money saved, enough anyways because they're not going to offer me roles anymore, and maybe you'll be fine—" I take a deep breath, trailing off from my tangent.
"I don't care, I just need you, I want to get to know you again, bad and all. I want you to know me, you only ever knew me when I was high or when I'd been sober for a day or two, I want you to know me know, this version of me. You asked me who I was, who did I want to be. I want to show you, and in that I want to show you nothing is more important than me taking care of you like you did me. I understand what that may mean, but I don't mind, not if that means never having to see you on Frank Rights hip ever again, do you hear me?"
I look down, stomach clenching.
"Okay."
She opens the laptop
10 minutes later she closes it.
"Okay." she says sucking in a sharp breath.
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I haven't seen Frank in two weeks, I haven't seen the outside world in two weeks either.
I've been staying with Skye, curled under the sheets with my eyes closed, my heart heavy in my chest.
The fallout, well it's insane.
TMZ got the video first, you know how that goes.
It only went down from there.
I'm not sure what people are saying.
It's dark right now, coming up on 12, she walks back in the room, finishing up the phone call.
"That was my mom, I don't want to talk about the things I just heard coming from her mouth." She crawls into the bed, settling beside where I lay, I hadn't turned my phone since the video went up, I can't bring myself to. My face is pressed flat into the satin sheets, I shift my eyes up at her. I don't know how she's taking this so well.
"I don't want to know whether or not my dad is aware of what's going on...give me my phone."
I push myself up, long pressing the power button, watching the apple logo pop up.
And it's what you expect, hate, support, weirdos, every news outlet imaginable to man has gotten it.
There's one more message.
Frank Right, yesterday, 5 pm.
'You're over.'
I look to Skye, watching her watch me, I feel like i'm melting, my heart sits in my stomach. I throw my phone to the side.
"Can I show you something?"
She doesn't say anything, opting to nod instead, I reach into my bag laying on the side of the bed pulling a stack of magazines out, i lay them on the bed in front of me, crossing my legs.
Skye raises a brow.
"This was the only good thing that came out of working with him, the only good thing," I look over the covers, all me, life held in my eyes. "I knew I always had something, my talent, my hunger. I wanted this more than anybody else," I shake my head. "I used to wake up at 3am just to catch the train to the city when I lived 4 hours away every single day just to get to my acting classes on time. I swore I would make it, and I did, I knew I would." I slide them towards her, letting her shuffle through them. "I learned how to play on everyone else's level, don't be weak, don't let them know you're anything but cocky, walk into the room like you're the biggest one there. Until him, I haven't felt so small under another's gaze ever, i've never been reduced to nothing before. It shifted something inside of me, and I'm so hurt, I cry so much i'm convinced i'll turn into tears, my body aches with degradation and sometimes," I suck in a breath. "I feel like nothing but something to be presented, like I don't deserve this life, like I deserve this pain."
"Hey-"
"Wait," I wipe at my eyes. "But these, my picture proves that I made it. I did what I had to do to progress despite what it meant, I lost everything, I lost you, and somehow I managed to make it. I'm a fuckin enigma."
I pull out two more mags, holding them close. "I saved these first issues for you, these never got published they chose other photos so these are just for you." I give them to her flipped over, squinting my eyes, scrunching my nose.
She takes them, her look of shared sadness turns into shock, eyes wide. "Oh my god,"
I can't help but laugh through the weepy feeling dawned on my heart.
"Oh my god!"
"Yep.."
"These aren't published...you're telling me you were on the cover of-"
"Yes."
"And you saved these for me?"
"Were you really not on the internet when the published copies came out?"
"I only saw your vogue cover. I was in rehab when..." I watch her flip through the pages, sweating like a sinner in church, cheeks red when she reaches the centerfold.
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There I sit, in the audience of an awards ceremony, Skye stands on stage, dress glittering under the light hair slicked back, grown out at the roots.
"-i'd also like to thank my beautiful wife, for protecting me, for always putting me before herself. I promise I would be nothing if not for her. Thank you all for allowing me to accept song of the year once again, I never get over this starstruck feeling. Thank you to my fans for supporting me through this last year and a half, I will never stop being grateful to you all." After a round of applause she's sitting back neck to me, smile big and genuine.
I look to her. "I'm so proud of you, Skye."
"I'm proud of you too."