Ever since that one day after the big war, where she had sat in front of the fire and sang, her voice followed suit. Getting ready early in the morning, cooking, cleaning, just wandering through the house, doing really nothing at all. She found herself humming softly, or singing something low, words she knew by heart but that were muffled by her mind.
Caitlyn seemed to enjoy it, closing her eye and listening while the melody rang out in the echoey, warm halls. Wrapping an arm around her waist, or leaving a chaste kiss on her face, a little way to show her enjoyment. Ever since that war with Noxus, things outside had been strained, smoky and quiet. Nothing had quite the same feel anymore, but the people of both Zaun and Piltover were recovering.
Her voice was not the only thing that followed the destruction, just one of the many. Yes, now she'd never have to worry about skipping meals just for the cost of it, or surrendering them to an inmate for an extra tattoo to cover her scars, not even to a starving little sister she had to care for. No. She had a safer life now with the woman she loved, far from Stillwater, far from her Pow-Pow. Far from what Jinx grew up to be. Far from what had fallen off that ledge with Warwick.
Everything was just far.
Even if she didn't have the same things to worry about, she couldn't break old habits, they were easy to see. When she got upset and Cait wasn't around to talk her through it, and she'd depart for the gym to hit the punching back until her knuckles were red and she couldn't breathe and her arms had gone limp. When she refused food because she couldn't stand to look at it without thinking about how many meals she'd missed before. When she skipped out on sleep, opting for wandering around the broken, battered streets late at night.
Old habits would die hard, dammit, harder than she realized. The first time Caitlyn ever brought it up was a few days after the big fight, when she was humming a small thing as she laced up her shoes in the dim dark for a run. She felt restless, upset, too upset to concentrate on it. The cold of the air and the strain seemed like the right combination to rid her off the feeling.
"Violet, where are you off to?" Her girlfriend had asked, standing in the doorway of the mudroom, hair falling over her shoulders, arms crossed.
"On a run, Cupcake. Don't worry about it, I'll be back a little after you fall asleep" So much was true, Cait was usually out by 11:30 due to her early mornings. This would only last for so long though, as the nights grew warmer her days grew shorter, and she'd no longer be able to evade speaking about how she felt.
"It's late, Love. Just stay, let's talk" She was met with a brisk swish of red hair and a head shake.
She needed to get out, to run it out of herself, not to talk it out. Talking would mean admitting something was wrong, admitting she'd been skipping more and more meals, admitting that although her life was the most comfortable it'd ever been, she still wasn't all okay.
Vi pulled off her jacket, not wanting it to steal from the sensation of cool wind on her skin as she flew over rooftops and between broken buildings. She'd have a good view of the bridge from almost anywhere in Piltover, though she'd try not to look. If she did, she might've had to start all over again. It was not a good place for her, as it wasn't for so many others.
"Vi, stop" Caitlyn admonished after she'd been dismissed, taking the shoulder of her lover and turning her so their eyes met, "If you're upset, just tell me. We can talk through things, but you know it's not smart to go out on your own in the night" She didn't mean in the sense of any other people giving her trouble, Vi was very capable of holding her own. No, what she was insinuating hurt more. She was saying that leaving her on her own with no one to observe wasn't smart due to the choices she might make, her impulsivity and evasiveness leading to reckless, stumbled decisions made in the cold fall night.
It hurt because she wasn't wrong.
"Why're you making a deal of this? I'll be home soon" She pushed on, turning to stretch her leg a little. This was unfair of her, so much was apparent. But she'd already made the choice to go, and having her girlfriend act so- so worried about her, it was making her sick. Sick, and angry. She just wanted out, and instead she was being bothered.
"I know you're upset. But running yourself dead is hardly the way to fix it" Vi huffed, rolling her eyes, running a hand through her messy red locks, tickling the back of her neck in the process. She was not 'running herself dead', jesus, she was just trying to blow off a little steam. She didn't like being controlled, she didn't like thinking that what she was going to do wasn't something she should do. IT was just a run. It was fine.
"Can you just let it go, Cait? I'm gonna be gone for like, an hour. It's not a big deal"
As was apparent, Caitlyn didn't like being talked down to, or dismissed. She stood up straighter, face hardening, no longer stopping in to check on her, but preparing for a disagreement.
"It is to me! I don't like you losing sleep, working your head off instead of speaking to be about it. I love you, Violet, and I am your girlfriend. You should feel comfortable expressing your emotions around me. Gods, I thought we'd moved past this by now" Vi refused to meet her gaze, toying with laces that were already tied. "Look at me" Caitlyn commanded, and Vi's head moved without question. Fuck.
Her blue eye was icy, calculated. Deciding something. She walked over to where the red-head sat on the bench, and took her chin, eyes locked together, Vi staring up with her head locked in place and blue waves of hair slipping over her cheeks as she scrutinized. "Don't go" And so Vi didn't.
She sat there, letting her girlfriend hold her face until her mind calmed. No, running wouldn't fix anything. She didn't want to have to, but she had to. Slowly, she stands up and pulls of her shoes, getting on her tiptoes to press her forehead to Cait's shoulder, closing her eyes. Arms wrapped around her, and she could feel that buzzing, that stirring inside her, subside some, and all that was left was the pain, and none of the impulsivity.
The two made their way back to the fire in the living room, sitting on the couch. Vi leaned her head against the navy-haired Kiramman, warm and safe. Slowly, the words began falling from her.
"I guess I just...I'm having to get used to living like this. Growing up, there wasn't always enough food, wasn't people who wanted to hear about...how I felt, and stuff. Vander did, but I didn't know how to talk about it. And I had Pow-Pow to look after, and Mylo nad Clag looking up to me. And then- then I lost them...and I was in Stillwater. I just never talked about any of it, of the shit that I went through...I'm sorry I was pushing you away"
Small kisses were left on her head, the cold sternness and anger seemingly left behind. She was warm again, she had someone who could be the one providing for her instead of the other way around. Someone to listen, to help her. It was just a massive sense of love, and dread, and security. She wasn't taking care like she had before, where the dread was rooted. But she didn't have to. She was okay being cared for. No one needed her care for the time being.
"Thank you, Love, for that. I am truly sorry for all you have been through. And I am here to listen, to help you find a way to talk about it" Vi nodded, sighing.
"...I feel like I don't deserve to eat" She blurted, not sure where it came from, but realizing the truth in it. It felt like there was someone it should've gone to. She always gave Powder the bigger portion to ensure she was never without food, always passed on everything to make sure everyone else's needs were met. She was a burden once, to someone, under their care. And now they were dead. She didn't want to ever make that mistake again. Caitlyn seemed to understand, even though a tear welled up in her eye as she too took a deep breath, laying kisses on her cheeks and scars and tattoo.
"It hurts to hear that from the woman I love" Caitlyn concedes, swallowing, "But I am so incredibly grateful you feel as though you can tell me. I promise you, everyone is cared for. You don't have a reason to give up your meals, Darling. I want you eating, and I want you feeling as though you deserve to. You do, so so much. I want you to have the help you need. I'm here, Violet. I'm always here"
Vi felt asleep on her shoulder than night, sprawled on the couch.
She was finally getting better at staying in one place.