Sai closed his eyes gently, allowing Naruto to run his hands through Sai’s hair. He kept his face buried in Naruto’s chest as the latter hummed in peace. He didn’t want to ruin it for him, he wanted Naruto to stay content. It made his heart ache gently, unlike the soft throbs of love he’d felt before. He was loved by Naruto. He knew this from the cuddles in the morning to to soft kisses in the afternoon, Naruto showered him in affection. All it took was his heart, laying it aside to repay the favor.
He loved Naruto, he truly did. It was always him, filling Sai’s heart with emotion he thought he’d lost. Perhaps he wanted them to stay lost. Maybe it would have been less painful if Naruto loved him back. He was loved by Naruto. Not Sai.
Maybe it was the shape of his body, maybe it was the silky black hair that coated his face, or the cold emotionless black eyes that he held. Sai could convince himself that Naruto loved him for who he was in a twisted way if he tried long enough. But there was no denying that it was not Sai he loved. But that was okay. Love took work, as he learned. Sai could adjust.
He learned to ignore it when Naruto moaned out Sasuke’s name when he was buried in Sai. Naruto liked it best when he couldn’t see Sai’s face so he flipped himself over or tried his hardest to stay quiet, to let Naruto enjoy himself.
He learned to smile and play along when Naruto told him a joke only Sasuke would understand, he learned how to prod and nudge at his buttons like a master, tuning him for happiness.
He learned how to avoid the stares, avoid the grimaces in favour of Naruto’s laughter and shining eyes. He learned how to take the long route and avoid being cornered by those worried eyes. There was no reason for them to be worried. He was simply loving the way Naruto desired so that one way, Naruto would reciprocate.
“This isn’t right Sai.” Kakashi-sensei followed him through the streets, refusing to leave even after Sai sped up, “You’re not Sasuke.”
“I know.”
“I know Naruto doesn’t mean it but you shouldn’t have to deal with that. You don’t deserve this.”
“I’ll do it anyway.” Sai smiled, “Love is sacrifice.”
He was slowly losing his soul day by day as Naruto laughed and kissed Sasuke over and over again. What about Sai? There was barely any room for him in Naruto’s heart, but he had to try. There was nobody else waiting for him at home. He didn’t want to be alone again. So he sucked it up and smiled.
“Why are you smiling?’ Naruto teased gently, pushing his head up, “What’s got you so happy Sas—...”
Sai felt cold as Naruto’s smile faded, the joy leaking out of his eyes.
“I did it again, didn't I?”
Sai couldn’t answer, too busy attempting to protect what was left of Naruto’s heart, leaving his heart out on the field, unprotected.
“God Sai, I’m sorry.”
Sai tucked his face back into Naruto’s chest. He wanted the joy to come back, he wanted Naruto to continue threading his hands through his hair. He wanted anything but the cold empty bed, and the sorrowful man next to him.
“I’ll be whoever you want me to be Naruto.”
And with the look in Naruto’s eyes, he knew that whoever he wanted him to be wouldn’t be Sai. He felt his heart slowly peel away but he continued to act. Maybe one day he'll be more than a puppet on a string. Maybe one day the kisses will make Sai swoon like they’re supposed to.
Until then he’d let his heart shatter to the tune of Naruto gently pulling him back and threading his hand through his hair. If he noticed the tears, he said nothing.