On My Mind

Behind his mask, Kakashi hid more secrets than he could ever allow spilling from his lips. They were the same secrets that put a burden on him and his shoulders, an insufferable weight that was beginning to suffocate him. Every lie weighed on him more, and had him feeling trapped in his own actions. Yet, there was no one he could share his burden with, no one who knew of the weight he carried.

"If you love someone, you show them your true self. If they can't accept it, then they don't love you.".

He had to tell Izumi, he had realized that by now. Honesty was something she valued deeply and something she always strove to show him, for him to not be able to reciprocate that felt wrong, hurtful even.

The last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt her, whether intentionally or unintentionally. That was exactly why he had asked her to come over to his place after her shift in the Barrier Team ended, and the fact alone that he was expecting her made him nervous. His hands felt clammier than usual, and his heartbeat picked up in pace.

Kakashi thought that the effect she had on him was unfair. He didn't see her acting the same as he did around him, rather, she was as she always was. How he couldn't stay calm and nonchalant in her mere presence, he did not know, but it drove him crazy .

That was also why Kakashi startled too much when a dog resonated at his door, echoing through his entirely silent apartment. The mere sound had his stomach churning already in worry and his expression faltering from its usual nonchalance. That also made the way to the door more difficult, his legs practically trembling as he hurried over to open it, revealing a certain smiling brunette.

“Kashi!” Izumi grinned as she stood in the doorway, excitement written all over her face.

He swallowed harshly to desperately keep the red away from his face. "Hey, I-Izu."

Why are you stuttering, idiot?  

Concerned, she titled her head at him. "You look a bit red, are you alright? Do you have a fever?" With her hand, Izumi reached out toward him to rest her hand on his forehead, before he took a step away from her to avoid said hand.

"I'm fine!" Kakashi frantically blurted out, wanting to avoid any contact that could further inflame his skin. "No fever. Not sick. Nothing ."

Hesitantly, Izumi nodded at him. "If you say so … Can I come in then?"

His heartbeat again increased, practically thrumming against his chest. "Yes."

He was a Jōnin of Konohagakure, keeping his feelings in check was part of his career and yet, in her presence, he failed horribly to do so. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't control himself and the feeling was dizzying .

Again, she reached out to him. "Are sure that you're-"

Kakashi held up a hand between them before repeating, "I'm fine." He wasn’t, not that he’d ever say.

To calm himself down as much as he could before beginning the important conversation, Kakashi decided to first repeat the etiquette taught to him by his late father: offer the visitor something to drink or eat. After brewing up some tea for the two of them, settling down on the couch came easier for Kakashi than it did mere minutes before.

“What did you want to talk with me about, Kashi?” Izumi sat opposite him, carefully cradling her cup of tea in her hands. “Is that why you look so feverish?”

While he deeply adored how she managed to surprise him time and time again, sometimes, he also hated the fact of the occasion.

“I’m fine.” He again said, attempting to be convincing.

It was obvious that she did not believe him.

The silver-haired let out a sigh. “You worry about me too much.”

Izumi shook her head at him. “I don’t worry about you enough.” 

“Maybe you shouldn’t at all.” He murmured under his breath.

Kakashi wished that she did not worry about him at all, he would prefer that over her even wasting one thought on him. And yet, she always did so. Presumably, since they had gotten to know each other over a decade ago, she had spent so much time worrying about him time and time again.

“Kakashi!” She scolded. “I worry about you because you are my best friend and that is what friends do.”

That stung, to say the least, and he couldn’t keep himself from beginning to frown. Right, best friends, that is what they were and presumably always would be. He loathed the fact. 

Couldn’t they be more than that?

He diverted from the topic right into the next red zone. By clearing his throat, he caught her attention again. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

In her seat, Izumi leaned closer to him with a smile. “I’m all ears.” Then she took a sip from her tea and diverted her whole attention to him again.

His palms felt sweaty and his heart beat harshly against his chest. The air around him felt tight and utterly suffocating, making it difficult for him to breathe properly.

Could he do it? Kakashi did not know. It was best to get it over with as soon as he could, he was well aware of the fact and yet, it was just so difficult to do. He hadn't expected it to be easy or anything like that, but that much trouble was not expected either. One more moment, that was what he needed. To calm down, to think, to-

Kakashi blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, "How is Fuji?"

Visibly, Izumi slumped down and set down her cup of tea onto the coffee table before her. "Dad's doing better," She let out a small sigh, her lips dropping into a frown. "He … he will be staying in the hospital for a while longer, just to make sure. The doctor insisted. I'm not sure when he can come home, but I hope it's soon. I miss him , but at least he is slowly getting better. I was just with him, and he's not looking as pale anymore, so that's good."

The news had Kakashi smiling. "I'm glad." At least his parental figures were doing better.

She let out a small laugh. "So am I. But something tells me dad's condition isn't what you wanted to talk about."

His mouth felt as dry as the Sunagakure desert, and he swallowed harshly. "You'd be right about that."

"Then tell me what you wanted to talk about. You know that I'd never judge you, right?" Within seconds, her facial expression underwent several changes, going from a smile to a scowl and finally a frown. "Or does it have something to do with me? With us ? Do you not want to be friends anymore -"

The word stung in his heart, but he let the feeling slide.

"No, I never said that!" He sputtered out with panic seeping into his voice. "I'd never -"

Izumi went to place her hand above where her heart lay, breathing in deeply as she spoke, "For a moment there, I was worried."

Not in a thousand years and not if it were a situation of life and death would he end their friendship. To do that, it was way too important for Kakashi, something he simply couldn't give up, not at all. No matter the cost, he could not lose having her in his life, which was why he needed to speak the truth, now at best.

Kakashi took a deep breath before he blurted out, “I was part of root .”

Izumi merely stared at him with furrowed brows. “ Wait - what’s root?”

Right, he had forgotten the part where the general public was not intended to know anything at all about the darker side of ANBU. While on one hand he could understand why, as they were supposed to operate in private without anyone noticing, on the other hand that also meant that the gruesome side of it was also hidden away from public knowledge.

“The Root is a branch of the ANBU …” It was not easy to explain the entire concept underlying the Root subdivision, especially since Kakashi only knew bits of it, as the entire truth hidden away from him. His terrible excuse of an explanation appeared to set off the brunette opposite of him pretty much immediately, as her face underwent many emotions within one minute. Anger, however, stayed .

“ Fucking Danzo ,” Izumi swore. “How dare he- who does he think he is?” Once she looked over at Kakashi, her expression instantly softened. “Oh, ‘Kashi, I am so sorry. I should have noticed and helped you. Oh, kami,” She went to bury her face in her hands, letting out a sigh before looking at him with a sorrowful expression. "I'm so sorry."

"I didn't know better." Kakashi whispered.

From her seat opposite of him, Izumi immediately sprung up and almost knocked over the tea cup standing on the table. Her hands went to rest on both of his cheeks and her face leaned so close to his that the tears shining in her eyes now becoming obvious to him.

" Never again sad that it is your fault, okay? It isn't! You were a child and you for sure aren't an adult now. You couldn't have made that choice, you shouldn't have been forced to make a choice like that. It isn't your fault, Kashi. Don't blame yourself, I beg of you."

He still felt like it was his fault.

"Many things are my fault, though." At least that was how he felt, that he was the reason of bad things happening.

Izumi remained cradling his face gently. "Such as?"

Kakashi's breath stuttered as he breathed in. Whether that was due to the close proximity between them or his words, he could not determine. “Ever since Rin died, I always had nightmares about her death and how it is my fault-”

"We already talked about this, it was not your fault. Rin, she-”

“-and nowadays, I dream of you dying instead.” Kakashi finished.

The grip Izumi had on his face faltered. " Oh ." He had rendered her fully speechless, for which he couldn't blame her at all. How was she supposed to react to that, after all?

Kakashi leaned back against the couch, away from her touch. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." His stomach was churning uncomfortably, scolding him for his recklessness.

"Kakashi," She rarely ever used his name. "You don't have to be sorry, I'm- I'm just glad that you were honest with me."

His heartbeat picked up in an instant and he subconsciously found himself leaning forward, toward her. The touch he had shaken off, he now craved for, to feel.

"I should've told you sooner-"

"It's fine, what matters is that you were honest with me."

"I shouldn't have hid that from you for so long."

"In the end, you told me. It's okay ."

"I couldn't tell you sooner because I was scared you wouldn't accept me."

Izumi let out a gasp, " What ?"

"I-" Kakashi was well aware of what he said, that he could not take the words spoken back.

Though, luckily for him, he did not have to wait long for a reply.

"Kakashi, you're my best friend ," The hesitation in her words glaringly obvious, just not to him. "No matter who you are and will be, I'll always be by your side."

"If you love someone, you show them your true self. If they can't accept it, then they don't love you."

Rin had been right and yet, disappointment crawled through his veins. Being her best friend was something he cherished, but he yearned to be more than that. With all he could, Kakashi loved the girl sitting opposite him and he could not help himself from doing otherwise. Every cell in his body called out for her touch, inviting it in.

Only his mind protested, not viewing himself as worthy of her. He thought that she deserved better than what he could potentially give her, the things he could offer. So Kakashi kept back, his yearnings to himself and his wishes close to his heart.

If he only knew that the girl opposite him only wanted him , no matter how flawed.