On My Mind

Kakashi could feel the bile crawl up his throat, his body shivering at the sensation. The wounds and cuts littering his body throbbed painfully, a burning sensation drowning at coherent thoughts.

At the end of the street, the silver-haired ANBU spied a familiar house. The brick he would recognize out of a thousand choices and the way it was illuminated by the warm streetlight left his heart clenching in a painful way, his expression brightening slightly underneath the porcelain. Without much thought, as if it happened on instinct, his feet carried him to the safe haven of his childhood, his figure coming to halt before the front door. As he always did when coming over, he raised his arm to knock, his fist coming to push gently against the wood.

But for some reason, Kakashi couldn’t bring himself to knock.

His head hung low as he stood in the warm light, leaning it against the wood. The porcelain of his mask clinked softly against it as contact, his mismatched eyes coming to flutter shut as he did so. A sigh pushed past his lips.

If they saw him like that, would they be disappointed? What would Fuji and Miho think of him?

What would Izumi think?

He should just go home, or so Kakashi thought. It would be best not to burden them.

At the same time, as his mind spoke, his heart refused and only drew him closer to the blanket of comfort once enveloping his frame. And before Kakashi could stop himself, he knocked on the door and then took a step back, his heart thumping against his chest. He could see a light turn on in the hallway, its dimmed remnants visible through the small glass cutout of the door. Inwardly, he cursed himself for having woken them up.

He took another step backward, stepping off of the porch as he did so, his eyes widened in surprise underneath the mask. A hiss escaped his lips at the hurried motion, and before he could turn around and run away, pretending like he had never been there, the door opened.

Highlighting by the warm light stood his best friend in the doorway, her dark brown hair messily lying atop her head, sticking into more directions than he had ever thought possible. Sleepily, she rubbed her eyes as she stood before him, the cerulean of them shining as bright as ever, or so he thought. The shirt she wore gave nothing away about her figure as it hung loosely, going all the way down to her thighs, and neither did her shorts, also fitted loosely-

“Kakashi?” She asked. “What’s wrong?”

-and he was not going there with his thoughts. He was not going to stare at his best friend wide-eyed as she stood before him, obviously worried about him.

Out of his mouth, he could not get a single word in response. Instead, he stood there with his porcelain mask still settled on his face, saying nothing.

“Come inside first,” And when Kakashi made no move despite her words, Izumi reached out to him and gently grasped his hand in her own, pulling him along with her. “Come on.”

Not only was it inside significantly warmer than it was on the outside, but her hand was much warmer than his was. The next to gain heat were his cheeks flushing underneath both of his mask, taking on a pink tinge. He barely notices when she sits him down in the kitchen, her hands gently pressing down on his shoulders, his body moving with her motions without protest. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” Izumi told him, her voice as soft as always. She shook her head gently while reaching out for a washcloth and dampening it in the kitchen sink.

Kakashi hadn’t noticed how she had taken out medical supplies from somewhere, and had only heard her giggle of ‘I’m accident-prone’ after placing them down on the table beside him.

Though what he does notice is how her legs shake as she walks, trembling as though she were shivering. On her skin were not goosebumps and neither did the hairs on her arms rise up from a potential coldness, so he knew that wasn’t the case.

“How are you?” asked Kakashi, his voice coming out slightly muffled as he did so.

“I should be asking you that, Kashi,” Izumi scolded, shaking her head at him. “You don’t need to tell me, just … let me help you, alright?”

Kakashi nodded.

Izumi’s hand reached out, scars marking the palms of them, and placed themselves on the edge of his ANBU mask, gently removing it from his head, revealing his face to her. As soon as she saw it, she smiled, though a little grim at the sight of blood decorating his features.

“Is there anything under your mask- you know, your other one?” asked him Izumi.

Kakashi shook his head. His tongue felt dry all of a sudden, twisted into a knot, rendering him unable to push out words.

“Okay, good,” Izumi set right off to work. “I have to warn you, though, I’m nowhere near a medic-nin, Kashi. But for you, I’ll do my best.”

The last words made his heart flutter violently in his chest.

Kakashi barely minded the soft pats of the cloth against his forehead, however, he did mind the way she placed her hand on it, pushing his wild hair upward to gain more access. He also minded the way she had leaned closer to him, her breath almost fanning his face as she took concentrated breaths, her eyes scanning his face in quick motions.

“Did you know that Sen is like a fully-fledged medical-nin now at the hospital? That’s like so cool!” In spite of her enthusiasm, Izumi spoke softly. “Last week Daisuke and I went on a scout around the village and to our disadvantage, I did get hurt, but Sen patched me up immediately. Not without a warning, though.”

“Daisuke?” echoed Kakashi back, his heart skipping a beat.

“I told you about him ages ago, Kashi. He’s the other apprentice in the Barrier Team. Huge jerk, really. You’re lucky you don’t know him,” Izumi let out a scoff as she spoke of the blond boy. “He’s the worst and always so mean. I don’t like him.”

Kakashi had to keep himself from responding ‘good’. For some reason, her opinion left him with a sense of satisfaction.

“Oh, and Chihiro works with his mom in the restaurant now! Sen and I went there last week and the food is absolutely amazing. I have never eaten anything better than I have eaten there, trust me. Next time you should come along, Kashi, I’ll invite you.”

“I would like to,” spoke Kakashi. “It would be on me then.”

“No,” warned him Izumi. “don’t you even dare, Kakashi. I invite you, I pay. No buts.”

Kakashi opened his mouth to argue, but a shush from the brunette opposite of him shut him up immediately.

“This is going to hurt, I’m sorry,” In her hand she held a needle and thread, making the teen wince in response. How had he not noticed that she had picked it up? His thoughts really were beside him today. “It has to be done, unless you want me to send you to the hospital,” She gave him a pointed look. “Why didn’t you go there in the first place?”

Kakashi shrugged and Izumi went to still his shoulders, scolding him from moving just as she was about to use the needle to sew together a wound on his arm.

Izumi held the needle a good distance away from his skin and tilted her head, she looked at him, both concern and care gleaming in her eyes. “Are you alright, Kashi? You’re acting differently from what you usually do.” Her brows were furrowed together as she spoke, as though she was trying to read him.

“I’m fine,” He dismissed. “save for the cuts.”

The brunette let out a short laugh at his quip, a soft smile blossoming on her features. “I like it when you joke. But if there is something … troubling you, let me know. Okay? I’m here for you.”

He nodded.

"I'm always worried for you, Kashi," Izumi spoke just as soft as she dabbed the cotton ball on his wounds, disinfecting them. "and I know you're wondering, mom isn't here, she's with dad in the hospital. I won't tell them, but …" She sucked in a harsh breath. "I know your field of work is dangerous, but I just want yoi to be alright. Mom and Dad would probably say that you are too young for this,” told him Izumi earnestly. “I think so too. You’re fifteen …”

Kakashi couldn’t bring himself to reply. If he could, what would he say?

"We care about you, a lot. So make sure to stay safe, Kashi." She did not expect him to reply, just to listen to her words.

"Thank you." Kakashi couldn't remember ever properly thanking the family for all they have done for him, for caring about him, for loving him.

Izumi felt startled at the words. "Don't thank us. We have to thank you for allowing us to come into your life."

Kakashi shook his head. "Just accept it, Izu."

"You don't have to thank us for anything, Kashi. Family does that for family."

In his heart, he hoped that maybe they weren't entirely family, that she didn't see him as that but as someone more, someone who could hold a special place in her heart. At the same time, his own hopes and dreams scared him, and left his fingers trembling in both frustration and wishful thinking.

For her sake, he wished for her to only see him as family. For his sake, he longed for more than that.

There was a line between them, but Kakashi knew he wouldn't cross it. Yet it was beginning to blur, so avoiding it became more difficult, just as difficult as avoiding the hiss at the disinfectant cleaning his wounds.

"Sorry!" squeaked out Izumi, immediately removing the cotton ball from his arm. With her other hand, she had gently grabbed his biceps, keeping it in place as she worked. "And this is why I'm not a medic."

"You're doing well." complimented Kakashi. Cleaning up his wounds by himself was much more difficult than having someone clean them for him. While her handiwork was not the most skilled, he appreciated it regardless.

Izumi let out a small laugh, one that sang to his ears. "A compliment from the one and only Hatake Kakashi, I'm honored."

"Stop deflecting," He huffed, wincing at the unintentional movement of his arm. "Accept the compliment."

“Alright," Izumi cleared her throat awkwardly as she realized something. "I need you to lift your shirt up."

"You want me to- what?!" In an instant, Kakashi's face erupted into flames, his skin feeling too hot to touch.

"No, ugh, you have a wound there!" Izumi's face matched his in color now as she squeaked out the words, stumbling over them.

Kakashi gaped at his friend.

"Can I?" Her hand softly brushed below the wound and her other hand came to curl around the end of his top, unmoving, waiting for permission.

"Yeah." He hoped she couldn't hear or feel how his heartbeat spiked.

Izumi's own heartbeat increased as she began to pull up his shirt to where the wound ended, the mesh he wore pulled right along with it. The skin was irritated and an inflamed red, blood pooling around the wound. She let out a small gasp at the sight, immediately beginning her work.

"This is going to hurt." warned Izumi, her eyes only fixated on the wound. In her head she was attempting to properly remember what Sen had taught her about caring for a wound, not wanting to make a mistake.

"First of all, Izumi, you got to disinfect the wound thoroughly. Got it?" Sen gave her a pointed look, lips twisted into something reminiscent of a scowl. "Don't you dare chicken out again, I saw how you disinfect. You're a wimp."

A hiss escaped Kakashi's lips at the disinfectant, the odd sensation startling him.

"I'm sorry, sorry, sorry." murmured Izumi as she disinfected his wound properly, her expression contorted into a focused scowl.

“Then you wrap it properly, with a bandage if possible. Otherwise, take a cloth and bandaging material and properly place it on the wound. You have to make sure that it is not only thoroughly cleaned, but also fully covered before wrapping it.”

Kakashi only squeezed his eyes shut at the sensations, both the painful throbbing of his wound and the harsh thumping of his heart taking over his mind. To add to them came the soft touches of her fingertips to his skin, almost kissing his wound better.

"All done," Izumi gave him a smile, one that increased the flush raging on his cheeks. The wound she had fully cleaned out and covered with the appropriate material, only the throbbing sensation of it left behind. As best as she could, she secured the bandage, making sure not to hurt the silver-haired as she pulled down his shirt and mesh again. "I would recommend going to see a doctor, though. Maybe Sen could help you."

"Sen hates me." huffed out Kakashi. Every time he came into contact with the lazy raven-haired she either teased him about his supposed crush or mocked him, there was no in-between.

"Maybe it was too much for me to hope that you two would get along someday." For years, she had attempted to get them to interact without insults, yet not one of her attempts was successful.

"You believe in us too much." 

"It's difficult not to," admitted Izumi while averting her gaze from Kakashi. "I try not to force you, that would be mean of me. But to have the most important people in my life get along is important to me. Luckily, you and Chihiro get along. But admittedly, Sen is stubborn and so are you. But … as long as all of you are alright, I can't ask for more. I love all of you too much to not care." 

Kakashi made a weird noise between a gasp and a sound of excitement in response, one that left his friend in shock.

Izumi brushed off her own comment, too embarrassed by the weight of it to bring it up again. "Right, I'll get you some clothes, so you can freshen up and all." And with that, she rushed out of the room and upstairs to get him the clothes, leaving him sitting alone in the kitchen.

It was confirmed, she loved him … as a family. The mere thought made him hang down his head, his lips twisting into a frown as he did so. Kakashi was more than just aware how she viewed both Chihiro and Sen: as her siblings, as her family. And just now she had compared them with him, put them in the same listing as them.

There all his wishful thinking went.

Kakashi could practically see his own melancholy before him. The one person whom he saw himself to spend his life with, the one he sometimes saw beside him in the best dreams he had, the one to stay by his side through thick and thin, who went over every obstacle with him didn’t love him as he did her. That hurt.

What was he even thinking? Spending his life with someone? The mere thought was already dangerous, lulling him into a false sense of security. Yet his dreams were something which clung to his heart, were practically etched into it.

He should forget about it, let her find her own happiness.

Yes, Kakashi was certain, that would be the best idea.

"I got you clothes to change into." In her hand, Izumi held a pile of neatly folded clothes, including a pair of joggers and a wide shirt.

As Kakashi took them from her hold, he noticed again how her leg trembled. "You better sit down, Izu." For him, she shouldn't struggle.

Izumi waved him off. “Don’t you worry about me, worry about yourself first. Do you want to take a shower before changing?”

Kakashi shook his head, and before he could say anything else, Izumi had already hurried out of the kitchen to somewhere else, leaving him in peace. The only thing he could hear was her footsteps traveling upstairs again, thumping against the stairs with every step. The sound made him cringe, her discomfort obvious.

As quickly as he could, he changed into the clothes he had received, the familiar material now covering his skin comforting him. Kakashi recognized the garments to be ones he had left at the house during several of their sleepovers, ones Izumi had obviously stuffed somewhere for him to return to.

It had been a while since they had a sleepover, or since she had forced him to participate in one, and it left Kakashi wondering how his old room looked if it had been kept or was now something else. The curiosity got the best of him, and so he found himself climbing up the stairs to the second floor of the family home, his footsteps loud as he climbed up, his dirty laundry in hand. At the top of the stairs, he found a familiar pair of slippers waiting for him, ones he easily slipped into before continuing the familiar route.

At the end of the hallway, he found a light shining in the room that once belonged to him, its door standing open as noises came from the room. In quick steps, he made his way over there, leaning against the door frame once he had arrived. Inside stood his best friend, widely arranging the bed in which he used to sleep daily, preparing it for him. The way she fluffed out the pillow before turning to face him with a smile on her features left his heart stuttering for a moment. He smiled back, albeit a little wry once he saw how her leg shook as she stood, sometimes even coming close to collapsing.

“Can I help you?” asked Kakashi.

Izumi shook her head at him, still smiling, regardless of the ache in her leg. “I’m done now. I just assumed you would stay over, and recover a little before going home.”

“I would like that.”

“Let me take the laundry first,” Izumi came over to him, her leg still unstable with every step, and gently took the bloody clothes out of his grasp. “I’ll bring them to the washing machine, you’ll have them back tomorrow.”

Kakashi opened his mouth, ready to protest. “But-”

Izumi gave him a knowing look over her shoulder, stopping in the doorway. “Mom and dad won’t know, don’t worry. I’ll let them wash overnight and take them out before mom notices.” She then made her way out of the room and hurried over to the bathroom to start the machine, leaving Kakashi to his thought yet another time.

The room was so familiar to him, that it almost left him aching. As they had always been, the walls were painted a navy blue, a color that perfectly matched the outfit he had always worn as a member of his old team. On the walls still hung a few pictures, one of them his team picture, the others of the family he had grown to love. Just as he had left it all those years ago, the room was almost untouched except for the items he had moved as he moved out or during sleepovers. It was almost as though they had preserved everything for him.

Izumi had returned quickly, breaking his thoughts process. Distantly, he could hear the whirring of the washing machine, it was most likely blaring through the whole bathroom. By now he had sat down on his old bed, the sheets familiar under his touch. His brunette friend sat down beside him, a small smile gracing her features.

Kakashi turned his head towards her, curiosity shining in his eyes. “How has your physical therapy been going?”

“It’s alright. I’ve been doing better, but it takes time to recover from the injury as it turns out, especially if your leg had already been injured beforehand,” At her own wording, Izumi began to frown. “I’m going every other day. It is quite difficult to get a lot of appointments when so many people require it at the moment. I’m grateful for every opportunity, I just wished it wouldn’t take so long. It feels like I will never recover from this.”

“You will,” told her Kakashi firmly. “You will recover. You are strong like that. Believe in yourself.” Positive affirmations, that is what he thought she needed at the moment.

Izumi’s eyes were downcast, refusing to meet his piercing stare. “I’m not so sure, Kashi. It’s all so slow and while I have returned to work, it is more difficult than ever. I will remain apprentice for forever at this point.”

Kakashi let out a small sight, not used to having to cheer her up. “Don’t put yourself down like that, Izu. You are one of the strongest people I know, stop talking bad about yourself.”

“Thank you, Kashi. Just … sometimes, being strong is hard,” Subconsciously, she leaned toward the silver-haired, resting her head on his shoulder. From her position, she peered up at him, her eyes shining wildly in the soft light of the room. “I try and try again and again, and it just goes wrong. I refuse to give up that easily, though. I can do this.”

Kakashi nodded. “That’s right. You can do this, because you deserve that.”

“And so do you.”

“Between us there is a difference. You don’t deserve the pain, but I do.” He murmured quietly as he stared down at the material of the shirt.

What Kakashi had not expected was for her to rapidly sit up and then grasp his face with her hands, forcing him to look again. "Dare to say that again, Hatake."

The words died on his tongue.

"You don't deserve this, Kakashi," As she spoke, her voice shook with pure anger. "Never say or think that again! You deserve much better, so much better than you have received, and I will personally make sure that you will get your happy ending."

Kakashi let out a dry laugh, one that came out more mocking than anything. "What if there is no happy ending out there for me?*

"Then I will make sure you will get one, I will write one or whatever is necessary." Or Izumi would give him hers. Either way, she would make sure he would be alright.

"How would you even do that?" The mere idea of doing something like that appeared unfathomable to him.

Izumi shrugged. "I have my ways, don't you worry about that."

A wry smile tugged at his lips, a chuckle almost pushing past them.

"You deserve the best, Kakashi. Don't ever believe something else.”

He couldn’t help but do so. It came almost naturally to him.

“You know what, you deserve more than the best. But first you need to rest a little, recover and all,” Izumi gave him a stern look as she stood from her position on the bed, previously sitting beside him. “which means you will go to sleep now and tomorrow we will work on the happy end we talked about. Alright?”

Kakashi looked up at his friend, expression contorted into one of delight at the sight of her. “Alright,” He cleared his throat before he began to settle himself into the bed, cuddling underneath the blanket. “We can do that.”

Izumi let out a small giggle at the shuffling he did, shaking her head at the sight of him. It was rare to see him acting so carefree, more like a teenager than any other day. So when she stood in the door frame, ready to turn off the light in the room, she felt her heart swell at the joy she was feeling.

“Good night, Kashi. Sleep tight.” She turned off the light and slightly closed the door, her hand lingering on the doorknob for a moment longer.

“Night, Izu.”

Knowing that he was safe, lying in bed with his wounds treated, gave Izumi the comfort she needed. With heavy steps, she made her way over to her own room, turning off the light before settling into her own bed.

A good night indeed.