The Aftermath
Every other day, Izumi was not awoken by a nurse knocking at her door to bring more medication, but instead by loud proclamations of never ending youth. In the doorway to her room then stood a teen clad in green spandex, wearing a bright grin on his face as he entered with all livelihood anyone could possess.
Seeing Gai so early during some mornings cheered the brunette up every time he came by.
"If the hospital allows visitors by the time I begin my morning training, I cannot not share my youthfulness with you lovely flower." Gai had once told her enthusiastically, practically smothering her with all his joy. When he entered the room, he was practically skipping in.
More than anything, his visits were sporadic and surprising. Izumi never really knew when she could expect Gai to come in next to share his positive energy. What she did know however was that he boosted her recovery significantly. His daily delight left her mourning her own optimism, the same one she was working on slowly digging out of its metaphorical grave in her heart. Being optimistic, it was something she dearly missed. Especially during the days when the pain became overwhelming and barely bearable, her previous unalterable optimism was something that had usually guided her through it.
She was no pessimist, so Izumi knew. For her, the glass was half full and not half empty. Her negative thinking was something she couldn't stand anymore, the self-loathing in which she drowned was something she could no longer endure.
Izumi was a fighter as much as she was a lover. She was determined to find back to herself, even if it took time, she would.
The flowers that now stood at her bedside certainly helped with her newfound resolve.
“Thank you, Gai.” Izumi said, carefully watching the teen in green spandex from the peripheral of her vision.
While he had placed down the flowers in the empty vase placed on the desk beside her bed, the brunette turned her head toward him, a small smile playing on her lips as she watched his moves.
“Anything for my eternal rival’s flower!” Gai gave her an enthusiastic thumbs-up as he spoke, grinning brightly.
To see him as youthful as always made her genuinely happy.
“I appreciate it.”
Izumi just hoped that the bright flame of his glee would always burn high and mighty, no matter the circumstance.
━━━━
After much talking, the energetic teen in green spandex left the hospital to begin his morning training. With a wave, Izumi had seen him off from her hospital bed, thanking him one more time for keeping her company.
The peace and quiet in which the brunette found herself was both comforting and frustrating. While on one hand, she sought the comfort of another person, on the other hand, the lonely stay brought her another form of comfort.
"You're a mess." In the door frame stood the silver-haired Izumi had grown to cherish over the years, expression drawn into one of concern.
She could practically feel her heart stop.
The brunette didn’t feel like confronting him now. It scared her.
"Please, leave me alone." Izumi murmured, turning away from him. Facing Kakashi would be the hardest thing to do, hurting him had become her worst mistake. To avoid facing him was a cowardly move of hers, but she couldn’t help it.
It broke his heart to have her almost beg for him to leave her be.
"I can see that you have been crying."
Izumi turned away at that, an embarrassed flush overtaking her features. "That doesn't concern you." From what he could discern, her tone sounded anything but genuine, more forced than anything.
Kakashi startled at her response, eyes widening. She was pushing him away? Never had he expected for something like that to happen, for her to actively turn him away. Yet the last few weeks have proven to him that it is possible, have shown him the pain she had felt every time he had done the same to her, he had pushed her away.
It hurt, so badly. It made Kakashi wonder if the same heartache was the one she felt every time he had hurt her, if the same feelings plaguing him now had plagued her.
"I'm sorry, Izumi."
Her head snapped into his direction dramatically, her expression sunken as she stared at him absolutely bewildered. The way he stood in the doorway, hands stuffed into the pockets of his uniform, his brows knitted into an expression of discomfort and sorrow, made her stomach churn.
"Why are you apologizing? I should apologize, I ignored you, Kashi!" Guilt was practically eating her alive right now. Not facing those she was hurting was much easier than facing them.
The hospital had given her more time to think than she would have preferred.
"I must have hurt you." To admit that aloud stung even more in his heart, left it thumping harshly against his chest.
Izumi turned away from him, her head hung low and eyes fixated on the blanket with which her fingers were playing nervously. "It's in the past now."
"I-"
"Stop it, Kakashi," She held her hand up, still not looking his way. "let's not discuss that now." If she was entirely honest, she felt too tired to talk about it now. Exhaustion weighed down on her bones, leaving her with a heavy feeling on her body.
Yet again, she had rejected him. Being rejected lay heavy on his heart, making it ache terribly.
“I should have pushed you to talk sooner,” Kakashi admitted, whether it was to himself or to her, he did not know. Gently, he closed the door behind himself, leaning against the wall beside it, his head tilted upwards toward the ceiling. “but I didn’t. I was a coward. Every time I barely came back from a mission or something happened, you were there for me, you comforted me without question. You never hesitated. And something happens to you, and you push me away, and I don’t fight back.” He should have done more, he knew that now.
"It's okay." The way she spoke was unlike her, it was dismissive.
The words were a stab to Kakashi's heart.
"No, it's not!" In a manner unlike him, Kakashi had slightly raised his voice in protest. He had lowered his head by now, his gaze fixated on his best friend. "Stop saying that."
Izumi felt a shiver run down her spine at his voice but remained stoic, her head turned the opposite direction of him. "Kashi-"
"No," Now his tone was firm, almost demanding her attention. "It's not fine. You did everything for me and I can't even bother to be here for you as you were for me. I need my friend. I need you, Izu. I need you to be alright."
Without her, he didn't know what he would do. It pained Kakashi to see her in such a state: her eyes devoid of the light always shining in them and her lips curled into a persistent frown, replacing her usual carefree smile.
Kakashi pushed himself away from the wall and moved towards her bed, reaching out with his arm to drag a plastic chair along with him. In a twist of fate it was crimson, reminiscent of all the times Izumi had sat by his bedside, patient and persistent.
“Kakashi …” Izumi was unsure of what to say, unsure of how to keep the fear and tremble out of her voice. All she wanted was for everything to be alright again, for them to be alright. Yet, nothing would ever be the same.
"You're my best friend, and I don't know what to do without you." The admission was soft-spoken in a hushed tone, almost like he was admitting it more to himself than to her, not entirely sure whether she should hear.
But as she always did, Izumi heard his every word.
"You're my best friend too." Her words were accompanied by a smile only for him.
Kakashi breathed in sharply. "I just don't want to lose you."
“Trust me, Kashi. Losing you is the last thing I want to do,” Izumi told him genuinely before sighing. “I just-” Just what? The brunette herself did not know what it was, there were words stuck in her throat but not coming out. The fact left her frustrated, so much so that she promptly burrowed her face in her hands while breathing in and out to gain a clearer mind.
He waited, but most importantly, he listened.
“I’m so confused,” Izumi breathed out shakily. “I just- I’m scared, and I don’t want to be scared anymore. I hate feeling scared, I hate it. I can’t change it, and I really want to. I don’t know how to handle it! I thought pushing people away was right, but it wasn’t. I felt even more scared, and I felt bad and guilty and lonely. It was so lonely. I never want to be away from people ever again, I don’t want to be alone. I don’t know how to talk about it, I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know anything. I have never felt this way before, and I am so scared, Kakashi. I don’t even know.”
To every word, Kakashi listened, practically clung to every syllable accompanied by a sob. He listened until she was able to blink away the tears gathering in her eyes and until she had stopped speaking, her chest heaving up and down with every harsh breath, Izumi took.
Kakashi placed a hand on her shoulder carefully and squeezed once. “You need to calm down first.”
“I don’t know how!” Izumi cried out. The world felt heavy on her shoulders and the white room spun in her mind, tears blurring her vision.
Why did everything have to change? She wanted everything to be back to the way it all had been before Obito died, before Rin had died and especially before Kushina and Minato had died. Was that how the others felt? Was that how Kakashi had felt?
“Calm down.” Kakashi’s words only spun the web of panic in her mind, practically setting it into place.
Easier said than done.
“I’m trying-” Izumi really was, but to get some air into her lungs got only more difficult with each second passing.
Another hand rested on her shoulder, this time the other, and the material of harsh gloves tickled her skin even through her shirt. The sensation of hands almost touching her skin sent a shock through her body, helping calm her down from her blurring thoughts.
“Focus on me.” Kakashi’s voice was uncharacteristically soft as he spoke, but rang in her ears as the only thing she could hear above the blood pumping.
In front of her sat a singular charcoal eye, one that practically burned with concern and fixated solely on her. A pair of silver brows sat furrowed on pale skin decorated by beads of sweat. The rest of his anxious features were hidden underneath the mask he always wore, all except for the frown of his lips that was. They were slightly visible underneath the harsh hospital light, their shadows showing through the mask.
It was a bit vain, but Izumi couldn’t help focusing on how pretty the teen opposite was. Her cerulean eyes traveled over the individual strands of his silver hair covering parts of his forehead, not held back by the hitai-ate he usually wore. Instead, they were a mess sitting atop his head, as unruly as usual. She got the sudden urge to run her hand through it, but shoved it aside as soon as she could feel her fingers twitch.
“Better now?” Kakashi asked.
Izumi could only nod. With the back of her hand, she wiped the tears from her eyes, letting out a breathy laugh as she did. “I’m sorry for being so dramatic.”
“Don’t apologize.”
“I’m tired, Kashi,” The brunette confessed to him, now rubbing her eyes with the palm of her hand. “haven’t gotten a proper sleep in days.”
In his position seated by her side, Kakashi froze to a point that was almost comical, his visible eye widening by a fraction. “Do you want me to leave?”
Immediately, Izumi’s hands shot out to grasp his, her own expression now mirroring his. “No!” Her words were spoken loudly, almost yelled. “I didn’t say you had to leave. You can stay … if you want, that is. I just need to lay down for a moment.” Her head was still spinning, with a harsh headache forming.
For a moment, Kakashi merely watched his friend move around in her bed awkwardly, trying to find a comfortable position in which to lie down. He bit his tongue, saying nothing at first.
“Has the pain … gotten better?”
“It has. But sleeping is difficult. I sleep best when mom and dad are here with me, they are comforting to have here. Alone, it is more difficult,” Izumi’s cheeks burned at the confession, but she continued. “a presence here makes the pain fade away, so I can fall asleep.”
“Is that why you asked me to stay?” Underneath his mask, Kakashi’s cheeks, too, burned a crimson.
“Uh huh.”
“Oh.” Kakashi was not sure what to say, as the situation was both new and unexpected.
“Yo-you don’t have to sit there on the chair, you c-can sit on the bed if you’d like.” As soon as she offered that to him, Izumi immediately felt utterly stupid for potentially overstepping boundaries. The blush on her cheeks further flared up, and she squeezed her eyes shut to avoid looking at the silver-haired. Though, when no sound came from him, she allowed them to flutter open again.
In careful and hesitant motions, Kakashi began to climb into the hospital bed, making sure the mattress wouldn't dip down enough for the brunette to feel discomfort.
“Is this okay?” He asked, settling himself beside her but keeping enough space between them. By now, he had stretched his long legs out on the hospital bed and kept his arms by his side, almost fully pressing them into them.
“Y-yeah.”
Between them reigned an uncomfortable silence, one that was ruled by the way Kakashi’s hand grazed the brunette’s with every twitch of his finger. Subconsciously, while settling in, he had moved closer for their arms to now touch, keeping the constant contact between them.
Everything appeared to come closer to the way it had once been, or so the silver-haired had decided. He just wanted his best friend back.
“Can I hug you?” He randomly blurted out without much thought, immediately regretting having spoke.
He was deeply aware of the fact that the girl beside him was someone who found comfort in physical affection. If that was what it took for her to be happy again, for things to go back to the way they had once been, then he would go so far.
Izumi made no noise and only focused on calming down her burning cheeks.
Kakashi reached out from his spot on the bed and wrapped his arm around the figure of the brunette, slowly pulling her closer to his own body. When no noise or action of protest came from her, he only tightened his grip, his arms almost trembling as he did so.
And Izumi hug back, allowed herself to be embraced with her cheeks still flaming. One step forward at the time, that was what they would do.