Red String of Fate

When he was a child, Hatake Kakashi was not a firm believer in the fact that everyone had a soulmate. While in the academy, he had been taught what soulmates are and how the concept of them worked, he was never one to fully immerse himself in the subject. Even when forcefully brought up in conversations, such as the ones with his sensei Minato, he often avoided speaking about the topic altogether, acting as though it did not exist.

In some place of his heart he had always known that somewhere out there, there was someone who was born to love him . His perfect half was somewhere in the world with an identical red string tied around their pinky finger, most likely searching for him, searching for the connection they were destined to have. And here he sat, denying and depriving the said person of their shared birthright. Some part of him cared about that, that part left him feeling guilty. The other part on the other hand deprived him of his perfect puzzle piece and found him undeserving of such affections.

While on the month-long mission to watch a pregnant Uzumaki Kushina on the orders of her husband, the Fourth Hokage Namikaze Minato, more so than ever before, Kakashi had been confronted with the concept of soulmates . One had to be blind to overlook the fact that the couple was destined for each other and irrecoverably so, totally in love with one another. When together, the two of them practically oozed out all the love they felt for the other, always staring at the other with a lovesick expression.

Following their deaths, Kakashi realized that their love was so great that they even followed each other into the afterlife, where they could reunite. Whether he would have a love as vigorous as they had one day was a question he knew would go unanswered for long, one he knew he didn’t want to have answered for some time.

His opinion on the matter of soulmates, two halves of one, was inconsistent during his time in the ANBU. Kakashi actively avoided human contact above the necessary, never seeking out the help or presence of anyone. On the days when Gai came around for a rivalry match or a spar, he sometimes found himself indulging the spandex-wearing teen, but more often than that he made his quick escape as soon as possible.

Later Kakashi theorized that back then there the part of himself that was more self-hating than anything else had consumed his being more so than any other part there was. Had he met his soulmate then, he wouldn’t be sure if something more could have blossomed between the two or if he would have pushed them away. The latter was more likely, Kakashi concluded.

At the same time, his ANBU self had often been comforted by the thought of a soulmate. The thought that somewhere out there was someone who would love him for who he is and who would be in the future helped him sleep during missions. When he woke up with the crimson blood of his teammates and friends staining his pale hands and when he did his best to wash off the stains, the thought of someone out there for him specifically helped ease his worries. He often imagined their hand in his, helping him scrub off the blood from every crease and crevice, soaping in his hand delicately before drying it off for him to let out a sigh of relief.

The blood was gone, and beside him was no one .

After his nightmares, Kakashi often felt lonely . It wasn’t often that the apparent loneliness haunting his everyday life became obvious to him, and it was rare for him to overthink it. On those days when the thoughts consumed him, and he found himself drowning in his chosen solitude, the thought that there was someone eased his worries. His fingers would absentmindedly play with the red string tied to the pinky and pull on it several times, reassuring himself that on the other end there was someone .

Sometimes he even felt how the person on the other end of the string also pulled on their connection, a sensation which left him stumbling in shock several times. His heart stuttered every time they initiated the confirmation, every time the string tightened when he was on a mission to foreign lands. Once the string began to slack between them, did his heart drop to his stomach again. Every time, he appeared to get closer to his soulmate or his soulmate moved toward him, did their connection relax again after reaching a new high of closeness.

For a long time, the fact frustrated him greatly .

Was he undeserving of his soulmate? He had a soulmate, that much he knew. Never did the string connecting them go entirely slack or indicate that when he pulled, no one would feel the pull on the other side. So what kept him from keeping the person on the other side? Was he not meant to meet them? Or even worse: did they not want him ?

The thought often kept him awake at night.

Kakashi may have been a genius, but soulmates were a topic he did not entirely grasp. It left him befuddled, confused . Whether he would ever meet his own, he did not know. He could only wish for it to happen.

Seeking them out appeared to be impossible. Kakashi had concluded that from the several attempts at finding his soulmate. After getting permission from the Hokage to do so, he had tried to follow the red string, to have the connection between them tighten, to pull himself closer to his other half. To him, it was as if every time he moved closer to his soulmate, they took a step backward to compensate for his progression. So every time the connection tightened, it slacked yet again. The distance laying between them only got bigger the more he tried.

Fate, it seemed, did not want them to meet. At least not yet.

Now that he was the Sixth Hokage of Konoha, Kakashi wasn’t so sure if he even had time for a soulmate. During his time of reluctance to get inaugurated, the fact that somewhere out there still was a soulmate was something that occupied his mind. Often he found himself sitting in Ichiraku, his favorite miso sitting before him and chopsticks in hand, while his talkative ex-student talked his ear off about anything that came to the blond’s mind. Many times they were joined by a sullen-looking pink-haired, another ex-student of his, who had to deal with the departure of her own soulmate.

Every time Kakashi heard her talk about her other half leaving, the thought of his other half leaving him behind, once they found each other, came up. Mindlessly, he twirled his chopsticks in his hand, not paying much attention to what he was doing. His identical charcoal eyes stared at the meal before him instead of eating it as he should, ignoring the rumbling of his stomach after his long day at work.

“Kakashi-sensei, are you alright?” Came the inquiry from his other side, said pink-haired Kunoichi staring at him with a worried expression. Sakura’s brows were drawn into a furrow, her bright green eyes raking him over once for any outward sign of injury or illness.

Kakashi waved his former student off with a lazy wave. “ Maa , Sakura, no need to worry about me.”

Sakura did not look convinced at all. Rather, she quirked an eyebrow at him, giving him a questioning glance. Her determination shone through the way her lip quirked downward, almost into a melancholic drop.

“Sensei?” Sakura spoke up with a timid voice, almost reminiscent of when she was a mere Genin in his team, under his command. “Do you think soulmates are meant to be together?”

The silver-haired Hokage froze at the question, no longer playing with the food in front of him. The noise he made at the back of his throat was anything but civil, coming out both shocked and hurt at the same time.

Awkwardly, he cleared his throat. What Sakura needed now was encouragement from her sensei, not his silence in response.

“Well …” Never before had Kakashi felt this awkward when talking to one of his students. Save for the one time, he had to explain to Naruto that he could not marry his ramen. Underneath his mask, he bit his cheeks while formulating a reply to give. “Sakura, you and Sasuke have gone through so much. Distance won’t be the end of your relationship.” His words rang true as a smile blossomed on Sakura’s face in an instant, her green eyes becoming brighter. “You think so, sensei?” Her tone was hopeful, almost dreamy, as she leaned closer and practically radiated excitement.

His words rang true as a smile blossomed on Sakura’s face in an instant, her green eyes becoming brighter. “You think so, sensei?” Her tone was hopeful, almost dreamy, as she leaned closer and practically radiated excitement.

Kakashi nodded with a close-eyed smile.

Sakura looked so delighted when in the presence of her soulmate. She was practically glowing from all the joy she was not only feeling, but also expressing. In Sasuke’s presence, she wore a smile that was more radiant than the one at work.

The silver-haired Hokage couldn’t help but wonder if that was how he would feel around his own soulmate.

Icha Icha only fueled the scenarios he was able to dream up in his spare time. Curled into his bedsheets after midnight, his body gave in to the exhaustion burned into his bones. His back sunk into the mattress and the sheets lay comfortably over his chest, yet the peace to be able to dream did not come easy to him. Distantly, he could feel his hand reach out for the worn volume of his favorite literature placed on the nightstand before he pulled it back, choosing to leave the book where it lay.

The side of the bed beside him felt cold, as it always did. Why he had even bothered to get a bed for two, Kakashi did not know. More than anything, to do so had been a subconscious choice of his. He had practically gravitated toward the piece of furniture he ended up buying, not even looking at any others.

Now, as he lay alone in something meant for two, he wasn’t so sure whether he regretted that choice or not.

Faintly, the red string around his finger glowed a soft shade of crimson, one that eerily reminded him of the Sharingan he used to possess. They were similar in their shade, but the string was without a doubt the one that had a more gentle aspect to it in comparison to the harsh tomoe swirling in the crimson.

Kakashi’s other finger went to wrap around the red string of fate and tugged on it several times. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he did so, whether it was a reply or for the other end of the string to emerge, but when nothing happened, the disappointment settling in his chest did not feel foreign anymore. It was a familiar feeling, one that haunted both his many nightmares and sleepless nights.

At least there was someone at the other end, he thought bitterly.

It could be worse, he always told himself.

Even after over three decades of living, Kakashi had not been able to meet the person at the other end of the string. There weren’t many fates out there worse than his own, so much he had been able to conclude from watching his friends’ fates. Many of them had met their soulmates before they had even become a ninja, before they had even gone on their first mission, and before they had even learned the significance of their fate.

As much as Kakashi wanted to, he could not count himself as part of said group.

Still, the constant feeling of the string around his finger brought him some sense of comfort.

The omnipresent hope he held too close to his heart brought his harsh breaths to a softer tone and calmed his body down from the high of a long day at work. He was able to have his muscles relax from their constant tensed state and simply lay there, his mind no longer working hard for the village. In his mind, instead, lulled the thought of a figure drawn so bleary that Kakashi could not decipher their figure. Neither he could see clear features such as the shape and color of their lips and eyes or their skin tone. All he knew was that there was someone.

Someone made for him, someone born to love him. There was someone there. For the fact that throughout all seconds of his life he had never been alone, for that he would always be grateful.

Even if he never got to meet his soulmate, the red string of fate wrapped around his finger served as a reminder that Hatake Kakashi was deserving of love, so the fates had decided.