Uchiha Sasuke is six years old and life is going pretty great.
He’s top in the academy, and he loves both of his mother and father blindly and fiercely in the way children love their parents. He has the best brother ever who is also the coolest ninja in the whole world. Uchiha Sasuke is six years old and is secure in the knowledge that he is loved.
Now if Kiro obasan’s tomatoes were ripe and stupid Shisui stopped teasing him about pink hair and green eyes, life would be pretty perfect.
Uchiha Sasuke is seven years old when he becomes acquainted with death.
Death and mortality weren’t avoided at the academy. It was common knowledge that shinobi were expected to die for the village.
Sasuke had just never thought anyone he cared about would die.
Cousin Shisui had been larger than life to him. A constant annoying fixture at some family dinners who always appeared at the worst times…! At Itachi's side.
Uchiha Sasuke becomes acquainted with death when his favorite cousin's dead body is fished from the Naka river. His body is bloated and his eye sockets are empty. His eyes had been gouged out of his face and in death Shisui was so pale.
The wail his mother let out had been awful.
His father had simply stood there, shaking with rage
And Itachi—Itachi seemed to go blank. Shut down.
Sasuke doesn’t know how to feel. Shisui is gone and he’s not foolish enough to think that he’s coming back. He simply stares at his favorite cousin's body feeling hollow.
Uchiha Sasuke is seven years old when he comes back to a clan compound smelling of blood.
He walks into his house—his home. And sees his dead parents with his big brother standing over them.
Sasuke panics. A horrible grief is consuming him but right now he needs to move. The person who murdered his parents might be coming back so he needs to get Itachi and run.
He still doesn’t quite believe it when his brother tells him that he killed the Uchiha clan to test himself
Sasuke believes it when that man puts him in Tsukuyomi for 72 hours.
He believes it when he sees his clan—everyone that Sasuke has ever loved is killed.
He is forced to watch for five hundred eighteen thousand four hundred times. He sees the Uchiha clan's decimation.
He wakes to the title of the Last Uchiha.
Uchiha Sasuke is seven years old when he becomes an avenger.
Sasuke is twelve years old and he is honest to kami contemplating murder.
His new teamates were actually fucking idiots.
Uzumaki Naruto was the dead last. And would not stop talking. Sasuke grit his teeth and forcibly smoothed down his face. Just because his fucking sensi was hours late does not mean he is going to lose his cool. He violently stamps down the urge to set something on fire when the fangirl steals another glance at him and giggles.
Haruno Sakura is a different kind of torture completely. She’s his fucking fangirl and now she’s on his genin team. He remembers a time–when well–he had felt something other than disdain for her. Although that was back when she actually had some character and respected him enough to not fight over him like he was some object. Now, all he feels is mild disgust and revulsion for the girl. She’s weak in a way even Naruto isn’t.
When his sensei gets here all he feels is a faint horror and crushing disappointment. This was the man assigned to them? He was a fucking moron.
When they take the bell test and fail, Sasuke is nearly bursting with anger. Their jounin sensei was acting like this was no big deal. Like his vengeance didn’t hinge on this stupid test.
However when they pass, he quickly stamps down the flare of pride and turns away. He–he is an avenger and he can’t let himself forget.
The mission to wave changes things.
When Sasuke sees the eye in Kakashi’s socket everything fades away and he can’t breathe. Sen–Kakashi is a bloodline thief. The only time he had seen the Sharingan before was when he saw that man standing in the compound of the clan he had slaughtered.
(That was wrong actually, Sasuke had seen the Sharingan before. His mother had used to flick it on to carve the happy moments into her memory. The family dinners, Sasuke’s first steps, Fugaku’s look of pride when Itachi had hit a perfect bullseye for the first time. Fugaku had used it rarely, turning it on when Sasuke had smiled up at him for the first time, when his boys had been caught camping outside with Shisui sprawled on top of them. The Sharingan had been a point of both sorrow and happiness for the Uchiha. They had made sure to temper the blood and death with the moments that had balanced it all out. He had forgotten though, the massacre had sunk its claws into his memories. Tainting every interaction.)
Sasuke hadn’t thought there had been anything like that in him anymore. Hadn’t realized that he cared enough about Naruto to die for him. Hadn’t thought that he would have entrusted his vengeance to Naruto. To trust him enough to avenge his clan. His family.
It scares him, how easily he would have thrown his mission away for him. How easy the choice had been.
Sasuke still isn’t happy, but his thoughts are no longer all consumed by revenge. He thinks that maybe, maybe with time they could kill that man together. He wouldn’t be alone anymore. He would stand tall with his team at his side. Happiness is still out of reach for him, but that might change with time.
When that man comes back, Sasuke’s bubble pops.
He had allowed the razor sharp loss of his clan to dull and fade.
And when he rushes at him with Chidori, he’s brushed aside like he’s nothing. Like his life hadn’t been ruined by him. Something in him twists, hot and angry when the man tells him he’s here only for Naruto. For the dead last.
He had stagnated. Grown too complacent, team seven had weakened him. Lured him into dumb missions and trading insults with Naruto and fooling around on missions that wasted his time.
Everyone had miraculously expected him to move on. As if time had dulled the open gaping wound of loss. Like his clan hadn’t been wiped out by the person he had trusted most.
When he wakes from Tsukuoymi to a clinical hospital and his teammates fussing over him like he was weak, like he needed protection, something in him snaps. He slaps the apples away from Sakura and challenges Naruto. He needs to prove to himself that he’s not weak, Naruto has been dead last for all his life. If Naruto, Naruto can beat him. Sasuke isn’t strong.
Kakashi ties him to a tree and tells him to forget. To forget about his revenge. And something in Sasuke bends and snaps again. How the fuck would Kakashi know? How dare he tell him to give up, to forget. He has no right. He has no right saying that to him with a Sharingan in his eye. Telling him bullshit like he’ll feel empty after he’s killed that man. Does he think Sasuke is stupid? Sasuke knows that killing that man won’t bring his clan back. But to tell him to give up fills him with a hot rolling rage. Does he think that Sasuke can just stop? Stop his revenge like that isn’t the very foundation of who he is? Like he can just stop his vengeance on the person who took everything from him. When he kills that man, his ancestors will finally be able to rest knowing that the kin killer had been put down.
To turn your blade on your own kin is unforgivable. For Uchiha it is unthinkable. Uchiha feel more than anyone. To kill your own is worse than treason. It is turning your back on yourself. The title of kin killer is not given so easily. Uchiha Itachi had readily earned the label when he had slaughtered men, women and children, all for the sin of bearing the name of Uchiha.
The battle at the final valley takes something from Sasuke and he’s not sure what it is. He doesn’t regret leaving. He needs power. And he couldn’t get that staying at the leaf.
When Naruto screams at him that they're the same he can’t help but scream back. Because how could Naruto ever understand? Naruto had started at the bottom, he hadn’t ever lost anyone because he hadn’t had anyone to lose. Naruto could never understand what it feels like to have everything and then nothing. To lose everyone in the span of a single night. Why can’t Naruto understand that he can’t be enough for Sasuke to stay? Naruto–he can’t be enough. Sasuke–he–doesn’t have it in him to be happy anymore. Not since he was seven and came back to a compound to see that man standing over the bodies of his parents.
Sasuke trains for three years and tries to forget back when he had almost been happy.
When Sasuke defeats Orochimaru he knows he’s ready. Three years, and the Uchiha clan will be avenged.
Team Hebi is an indulgence that Sasuke can’t help.
They remind him of Team 7. A weakness Sasuke justifies by their fighting skills and the convenience of having a sensor nin.
Sasuke fights Itachi. A man he had once loved more than anyone. It's almost funny how much Sasuke hates him.
When Itachi is dead by his hand he feels nothing. Victory vaguely surfaces but is quickly shoved aside by the overwhelming apathy he feels.
Itachi is dead. And the Uchiha clan has been avenged. Now–maybe–maybe, before he passes out he thinks of golden hair and sky blue eyes.
When he is told the truth his world collapses around him. The Uchiha clan had been killed on orders–Itachi had done it for him–Itachi who had loved him. Who he had killed. Konoha who had ordered the eradication of the Uchiha clan. Had forced a thirteen year old boy to carry out the orders. Konoha who he had trusted–had been the reason his clan had been exterminated. Like a dog being put down.
He hates Shimura Danzo with an all consuming rage. The Sharingan arm makes him explode. Bloodline theft had been taboo since the Warring era and even then it had not been tolerated. The Uchiha had been notoriously protective of their young. Uchiha children had been protected to the best of the clan's ability and it had been highly rare to see Uchiha children under the age of six outside. That had changed after Konoha had been founded. The Uchiha had trusted Konoha, had allowed Uchiha children out of the compound for the first time ever. The Uchiha had trusted Konoha with its children and Konoha had ordered their massacre.
He doesn’t regret stabbing through Karin.
He doesn’t regret trying to kill Haruno.
When Naruto talks to him–it doesn’t even register anymore.
Uchiha Sasuke is alone.
He is alone and he will bring Konoha to its knees for what it's done to the Uchiha.
When they summon the Hokage he asks about the village. What had made his brother so loyal to the Leaf to destroy his clan? What did it mean to be a shinobi? To live and breathe loyalty to the village without question?
He understands now. He always knew that something in Konoha was rotten. Corruption had spread throughout breeding hatred and mistrust. He sees now, he will become Hokage, he will be the one to carry everyone's hatred. Sasuke will change Konoha for his brother. For Itachi.
When everything is over he and Naruto fight for the last time. It's sloppy and raw and Sasuke is so tired of everything. He’s so lonely. And he can’t remember the last time he was happy.
He misses–-he misses his brother–he misses his clan. He wants his family back.
Naruto–Naruto is the sun, always has been ever since they were young. He draws people to him, attracts them because everyone can see how good he is.
Sasuke is tired of being alone.
In the end he admits it, he lost.
It’s almost justice. The only thing the moon loses to is the sun. The darkness is vanquished by the light.
After everything is done, Sasuke still leaves Konoha in the end.
He had thought–maybe–but he sees how Hinata had looked at Naruto. Had seen them on the battlefield together.
Sasuke is bad for Naruto–has hurt him too many times. He can’t be selfish now. Not after everything Naruto has done for him.
It doesn’t mean that he can stomach seeing them together though.
He knows how Sakura feels about him. He knows that he could be content with her. He won’t ever love her though. Not the way she loves him.
He still notices the looks Naruto shoots his way, but he sees how the glances are becoming less and less frequent. He is exchanging Sasuke for stability with a girl who has loved him from the beginning. Naruto is not alone anymore, and Sasuke is no longer the center of his world. He refuses to acknowledge how much it hurts him. How deeply his heart aches.
Naruto loved him too early and Sasuke loved him too late.
He still can’t come to their wedding.
He sends a message to Sakura, extending a silent offer. He pretends that this is what he wants. Who he wants.
In the end he settles down with Sakura and builds something for himself. He will always love Naruto, fiercely and deeply in the only way he knows how.
He cares for Sakura, at one point had liked her–maybe–in another life he would have been happy with her.
The arrangement they have works. He pretends to love Sakura in the way she wants to be loved and Sakura pretends she doesn’t know that Sasuke is incapable of reciprocating what she feels for him.
He and Kakashi talk sometimes, Kakashi is perhaps the only person who understands. After all the same thing had happened with him. He talks about Naruto and Kakashi talks about Obito and they both pretend as if they are satisfied with where life has led them. Pretend as if they both aren’t stuck in the past, unwilling to move on without the ones they love most.
Sasuke still longs for his clan.