You just weezer’d in the wrong neighbourhood

The sun’s rays peek between the blinds of your bedroom window. You stretch your arms above your head; it's a brand new day. The sun is out, you're feeling chippy and bright. You get up and you let your golden locks down from your hair tie as your silky locks drop down to your lower back. staring in the mirror, your face looks tired but your lapis blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight.

Your feet stumble and trip over each other down the stairs as you go to have a reasonable breakfast of dry oats with water. Many have questioned why you eat oats with water (making sure to pour the water before the oats) But you always reply with the same thing - oat. water. Taste……good. But of course, they always look with a petrified look and tell you “there's nobody there [Y/n] …“ or “you’re talking to a pot plant [Y/n] are you ok?” You alway brush off their silly remarks . There's nothing wrong with you! You are completely fine and normal.

But there's one thing that's been on your mind the whole morning - your date. You happen to be going on a date with a certain group. contradictory to the stereotypical fanfictions it’s not One direction, as you’re not like other girls and you’re quirky and different. wowzers!

You start getting ready for your date. Your dress looks beautiful, but you feel slightly uncomfortable with the sheer amount of cleavage and breast showing. Your dress reveals all of your curves and pushes out your boobs. As a rational human being you should take it off and change it but as this is fanfiction, you keep wearing it anyway because I dunno plot.

You say goodbye to your family at home and take the bus to the restaurant. Your date said that they wanted to take you to someplace that’ll fit your fancy, so they told you to meet in front of the nightclub at 69 Kaihehim street. For plot convenience, the bus ride will take all day and you’ll arrive at the bar in the evening because I’m a lazy writer and I couldn't be bothered with this shit right now.

You hop off the bus with your main character charisma and see your dates waiting outside the bar.

“I'M HEREEEEEEE!!!” you shout, waving your hands in the air with unnecessary energy.

“Y-Y/n? Is that you?” One of your dates stutters, looking through his greasy, black, off-centred middle part.

As you run towards them, you lose your footing and the world starts to move upwards.Your feet slip as you fall face-down onto the concrete. But instead of feeling something cold, you feel something warm and firm. Your eyes peer up through your lashes to see a familiar bob-cut wearing face.

“Weezer member 2 from the Weezer blue album??! I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I’m… so s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sorry.. I fell into your chest…..”

Your face flushes beet red as your cheek rests on his not-so-muscular chest. You’ve never been within this vicinity of someone, (especially someone who smells as bad as he does) and you're already going into heat thinking about it. You close your eyes and try not to think about the lewd thoughts rushing through your head like a stampede.

He rubs the back of his neck. “Ahh… don’t worry about it. It’s a main character thing”

He snaps you out of your weird horny trance and you step backwards, trying to make some space between you and his erotic chest. Weezer member 3 approaches you.

“Hello [Y/n]. Wow…” You watch his gaze wander to your pushed up breasts and swiftly shoot up to meet yours. “You look really nice. You got good tits.”

you blush “aw..thank you.~” the other Weezer members all stand behind Weezer member 3. You can tell that they’re nervous (probably due to not seeing a woman with boobs.the concept of woman nipples scare these people ) “I think we should start heading inside. I really wanna get COMPLETELY smashed tonight!”

They all reply at the same time. “Alright, let’s go!”

With enthusiasm the five of you walk to the entrance of the club. Light and loud music subly shake the ground from inside. You peer up to see a handsome man with a cool-ass hoodie standing with confidence by the entrance of the nightclub’s doors. You assume he’s the bodyguard, considering his attire and nice shades. You examine that his stubble is well kept, and so is the small amount of hair sprouting from his head. A vibe of Christianitism and momma's boy radiates from him. You immediately recognise the mysterious figure.

“Kanye West?! Is that you?!?!??!!”

He looks at your petite, cute figure. “HEY [Y/n]! How ya doin? What’s up?”

You make a genuine smile “My dates and I would like to go through. It’s that ok with you sir?”

He nods. “Hell Yeah you can go in! Walk through. Stay Yeezy my friend!”

He unclips the velvet rope from the tip of the golden pole (ayo-?) , granting you and your dates access to the nightclub. The five of you walk down a tight staircase. The stairs are narrow and deep, cramming you and the 5 virgin men together. Every time you took a step down, the back of your head would hit against Weezer member 2’s cock (who was walking behind you), making it more erect the further you went down the stairs. Even though it’s an inconvenience for him, This made you turned on more than you were already. You just love yourself some virgin penis.

The Weezer members and you walk down into an open room, but stay at the exit of the hallway smushed together like sardines. In front of you is a room full to the brim of sweaty people. The music is loud and feels assaulting to your eardrums. A puff of steam seems to be radiating from the people as they all rub up against each other in all sorts of space-invading erotic ways. You watch a man gripping onto a beer with his grubby fingers fling his dick around like that one meatspin shock site. Is that even legal? Anyways, You turn around to face the Weezer boys. Beads of sweat drip down their faces. They all look nervous but determined.

Just as your lips parted to speak, BOOM. a huge explosion fucks up the dancefloor. Blood and corpses fly, painting the walls crimson and bloody. Body parts scatter on the floor. A wall of smoke sweeps through, and you use your arms to block the breeze of smoke from irritating your eyes. As the smoke settles, a large figure stands in the centre. His stature is intimidating; a curvy but gaze damning arua. his stubby tail flicks and he rests the nozzle of his AK47 to his shoulder. Your eyes lock contact.

“I ermm..thank you…stranger” you choke out, inhaling some of the dust.

The stranger sighs. “Well, I had to do this. John’s blackmailing me with 10 kilos of lasagna to do this job.”

“Well uhh …Remind me, who are you again-?”

his head turns to look into the distance behind you and dark dramatic music starts to play (seemingly out of nowhere). After a long dramatic pause he replies with a deep brooding voice.

“Garfield”

A few seconds go by standing in complete silence. You stand there. He stands there. He doesn’t move. He’s still looking far off into the distance .you glance around and twiddle your thumbs awkwardly. As youre about to slowly commence your exit, he snaps back from his trance.

“Sorry about that. I get flashbacks from the war. I haven’t been on my meds recently so they’re been happening more frequently”

“Ahh i see… wait-“ you turn behind you noticing that your dates are no longer present. Where did weezer go?!

“Aw for fucks sake this always happens to me!” You throw your face into your hands.”they always never make it! First it was Lemon demon, then it was Queen Macbeth-“

“Queen Macbeth?! You fucked Queen Macbeth?!”

“Yeah I did. She was pretty good in bed. Her pussy poppin fr”

“Damn [Y/n] didn’t know you were getting laid.”

“I actually do. Ya know that tomato from veggie tails?”

Garfield’s face sours. “You didn’t…”

You grin with malice. “I did”

Tears form and start to fall from Garfield’s eyes. He aims the gun at his head. With a ‘click’ his head blows up.

his corpse slumps to the ground.

You watch in a petrified state. Why? Why would he do this? Was it because you hot steamy sex with the tomato from veggie tales? No…it can’t be. It’s the tomato’s fault. You need to assassinate that tomato. That is the reason why Garfield killed himself. You’re always never the victim. It’s all the tomato’s fault.

But to kill the tomato, you're gonna need some backup. So, you decide to call an old friend of yours.

You hop in your car, and gun da pedal. You drive into the city (running over two Civilians on the way) and drive into the car park of an area. Your buddy is performing a kpop concert. He’s the main idol and everybody loves him. His skin is soft and lush, but many don’t know that he’s a MASSIVE druggie. But he’s your little meow meow anyways.

But, the only issue is getting past the backstage guards. Usually they’re big and pretty beefy. So, you slide a mediaeval sword into your sock. It will stay hidden because everybody in this fucking fanfiction is apparently pretty stupid.

you sneak up in the hallway where the guards stand. You stand far away on the over side of the wall, and listen in to their conversation to calculate the best moment to strike.

You hear a gruff voice speak. “Hey Griffith… I know we’re had a rough past but.. lately I’ve been feeling some type of way”

A male voice replies (but slightly feminine, like Micheal Jackson) “Really? What do you mean by that, Guts?”

You stay on the other side cupping your hands to your mouth . Some shit’s about to go down.

“Well you see… I’ve been noticing you, Griffith. I mean that…I started to notice you differently than I did before. These days you seem more…well, attractive”

“Well Guts,” You hear clothes being ruffled. “when I said a long time ago, that I wanted to “own you” - I meant that in every way…you understand that right~?”

Your eyes widen. you slowly peek around the corner. You just couldn’t resist. The blondes man’s arms rested around the larger dudes shoulders.you could smell the sexual tension in the air. It feels incredibly wrong that this is happening. you try not to shudder as you continue to watch.

“Well Griffith , clearly you're very eager eh? You’re lucky I’ve wanted you for a while as well”

“What about Caska? Aren't you a loyal man?”Griffith inquires.

“I’m more loyal to you…Griffith”

You stare at two men smash into each other, kissing each other deeply and passionately. You watch Guts’s tongue go into Griffith’s , deepening the kiss. Guts pushes Griffith up against the wall, conveniently clearing a path for you to walk through.

You scurry past them as fast as possible. That was probably some of the most uncomfortable shit you just had to witness. The whole thing felt…devious. Even the writer thinks that it’s pretty fucked up stuff. But admit it they kinda had sexual tension for a bit at some points during the manga don’t deny it ya wank. Also shoutout to Guts’s ass .

Anyways you make it backstage to see your buddy. You see him playing super smash bros on the wii with Jesse. They always do that for some reason.

“WALTER WHITE! JESSE!”

“Oh hello, [Y/n!] “ Walter replies . He walks up to you and gives you a hug. Jesse follows suit.

Jesse slides his hand through his tiktok f-boy haircut. It looks quite soft and fluffy.
“Y/n it’s been a while, what’s up?”

“Guys, I need your help. I need to kill the tomato from veggie tales. He made Garfield kill himself. Garfield did the offie…..”

Walter white’s mouth drops. “No way that’s impossible. He’s an expert in military artillery and a skilled assassin! Why would he do that?”

“I just need you guys to help me. Please…”

Jesse places a hand on your shoulder. “We’ll help you [Y/n]. We just have a show to do right now, so we’ll help you afterwards.” You nod .

“Just go stand in the crowd. We’ll dedicate a song to you”

Half an hour later, the show begins. Walter white starts off with singing I love little girls and pumped up kicks . The crowd goes wild. they start to do the stanky leg and oppa gangnam style. You can imagine all the thirst traps that are gonna be created soon. Jesse does the best whip nae nae EVER, so much so that half of the crowd collapses and fucking dies due to the immense strength and immaculate performance of the dance move.
It was later reported that there were about 420 deaths and 69 casualties.

“WOO YEAH THAT WAS AMAZING!!!” You run around in circles excitedly backstage.

“Alright let’s go prepare our weapons and go to that bastard tomato’s house.”

with weapons in the boot of the car, the three of you hop in and start making your way to the tomato from veggie tale’s house. You suggest that you stop at a bar on the way there for pre-celebratory drinks. After a few too many drinks at the bar with Jesse and Walter white you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Staggering in your short little dress, you use the door and walls around you for support . After making it to the sink You splash your face with cold water, until you feel a cold hand wrap around your wrist.

You look in the foggy mirror to see a tall broad man staring behind you. He has hazel hair that is gelled back with tidiness and intent. His suit is pristine and slick, and a watch that barely shines in the flickering fluorescent light is clasped around the wrist bearing the hand that holds yours. The years of grime building up on the mirror creates difficulty for you to distinguish his face.

“You got wo’ah on meh my soot.” The man says with an ugly, thick, British accent. If you’re British reading this, fuck you.

You turn around to face him with you back up against the sink. Now that you get a better look of his face, you notice that he is quite admittedly a handsome chap.

“Whaaa…what’re you’re doin here? You’re a creep! A Weirdo! “ you slur, somehow drunk after a few minutes of drinking. Pussy.

He hushes you. You feel his clammy, chilly hand grasp your chin. It sends shivers crawling down your back. He turns your face and examines the shape and texture of your skin. His face is VERY close to yours.

“Quite the fine lady. Moh name is Patrick Bae’men, “ he leans and whispers into your ear. “ an’ yoo have piqued meh interest”

You gulp loudly. Suddenly he lets go of you, and starts to wander off into the stalls.

“Tell me ya lady, what is your name?”

You stand there with no purpose as you watch him walk into one of the stalls.

“[Y/n]. Th-that’s my name. “

“Oh I see. Bi’ of a basic nayme innit? A bit like Arizona?”

“Wh..what…?”

“Oh nothing. It’s just that Americans seem to have quite simple naems, don't yoo think? David, Bob, Sara, quandale dingle… all of th’ sorts.”

You lean onto the sink. Your head feels dizzy . “Uh uh…” everything seems to go kinda wavy and warpy. He continues to ramble nonsensical words at you.

“But you see, [Y/n]. Ther’ is one name that I indeed enjoy, even if it may be considered more of a phrase than a name. oh goodie!

Through hazy eyes you see him walk out of the stall and slowly walk towards you.

“Deez. Deez [Y/n].”

“Deez….Deez what?”

It was too late before you noticed the shining axe in his hand.

“Deez nuts you submissive little bitch”

SLASH

****

Jokes you’re not dead. Your eyes flicker open, for you to quickly realise that you’re laying on the restroom floor. You rub your eyes.

“Auughh how the fuck am I not dead”

“I killed him”

Your eyes shoot up to see a black and white figure standing in front of you. It has a small short skirt on , and is wearing a pixelated black hoodie.

“I killed Patrick Bateman . I used my epic fortnite skills to defeat him.”

“Really?”

“No I used his axe you stupid bitch. God you’re so annoying. Were you dropped on the head as an infant?”

“Ah…so you did…. Also…who are you? How long was I out?”

“A whole week. I peepeeed and poopooed in your mouth to keep you alive”

You just look at it. “whatthefuck why would you do that”

“It was my only option. I’m grateful you’re alive . I’m An Intruder. I’m sure you’ve heard of me before”

you think about it, before the cogs start to churn in that little empty noggin of yours. “Of COURSE! From the Mandela catalog reality Tv series !”

“Yes, that’s me! Anyways ya wanna smoke this pack I got I stole a good one from my buddy Ronald , he sells the good stuff. “

“Yah sure let’s go”

You smoke some pot with An Intruder. Jesse and Walter white remember your existence . They walk in and join your smoking too. Collectively, you all get high together and smoke some of that sweetass pot. Everybody starts sharing their deepest darkest secrets with each other, as if they’re best buddies. An intruder suggests that everybody does human centipede, so you do. You end up at the back of the centipede, but you’re ok with that since you’ve always been a submissive little bitch , get some balls. Pussy.

Walter suggests a sleepover at his place, so everyone brings their jammies and choccies and turns up at his house. He tells everyone that they need to be quiet, as his mom loves watching Married At First Sight and hates loud noises when that show is on. So everyone heads up into Walters room, sets their sleeping bags on the floor, and begins to play spin the bottle. First, it’s Walter's turn. He spins the bottle, and you all watch it as it spins round and round, until it slowly comes at a stop at Jesse. You and An intruder listen to them make out in the cupboard for 7 minutes.

they really got into it. Squelching, clapping..all of those other…sounds. Also here is a joke for the day: what do you call two gay midgets having sex? Microtransaction. Laugh at the screen, it’s supposed to be funny.

You’re insane. Furry. Cum penis poo. This is all a dream. You need to get help. Did you eat well today? Did you drink water? I saw that porn tab open in your private browser. Your mother would be disappointed. God is dead, there is no god. Why are we here? What is our purpose of existence? Do we have meaning? Does anything we do have any important or meaningful impact in the future? If you think about it, once you die you will be forever forgotten. Your body will decompose and rot, and after a few generations you will be forgotten. Does this story even matter? All of the hours I spent on it? Any stories on the internet?does anything actually matter?

You groan as An intruder pulls your head toward it, sliding its tongue into your mouth. After Walter white and Jesse were finished, it was An intruder and your turn to go inside. Crazy switch up am I right. Anyways, At first it was shy and very timid, then it started to wrap your hands around you and passionately make out with you.

“Agh Intruder~ my pookie bear ~” you moan. You feel it’s hand grope your voluptuous ass, squeezing it. Your hands slide under its shirt and you pinch its small nipples, making It squirm with delight. You can tell just by Its reaction that it’s an omega. And you happen to be the Alpha.

you let go of its lips and lean in to whisper in its ear. “An intruder. I am going to plant my seed inside of you. I want you to raise my offspring. You cannot say no”

“Please do it, [Y/n]. Please breed me. I want you to impregnate me.” It gasps.

Swiftly, you unbuckle your pants to reveal your massive, throbbing member. Veins wrap around it, making your omega shiver and drool . Even it was kind of established that you were a female at the beginning …uhhhh you have a penis now. Let’s just say you grew one .

“Please me, omega.”

With its petite, shaky hands , an intruder barely manages to wrap its hands around your magic stick and starts to pump it. Eventually, it stiffens to the extract length of 16 FUCKING INCHES WOW. Within belief moments, you shove your weewee into the intruders gaping wet pussie. You thrust hard , feeling its slimy insides tighten around the big D. Its hips buckle and its legs start to shake. You thrust harder and harder into the V.A.G.

“My little omega, I’m going to plant it inside of you now.”

With one last extraordinary hump, you release your seed inside of the omega. Sticky thick liquid ( the c-u-m word) dribbles down the insides of its thighs. It sighs with pleasure.

You pull out your now deflated (but still quite large cock) and zip up your pants.

“I wish you luck with it, Intruder”

And you leave it in the closet alone.

Now here’s a massive timeskip because the writer is a lazy fart. The writer has to skip REAL school work to write this shitty story because someone wouldn’t stop asking for the link. You know who you are. Get ratio’d. I i had sexual intercouse with your mother.

You arrive at the tomato’s house. Guns blazing. All that crap. You run through the hallways and stomp down the door to the tomato’s bedroom.

“TOMATO!!”

The bedroom is a mess, with pictures of feet scattered on the floor. He stood in the middle of the room.

“Who..who are you?! Watch ya doin in ma house?!”

“I’m going to kill you! You…you sick bastard! I’ll kill you the name of Garfield!!”

He shuts his eyes. “He killed himself…because of you, [Yn]”

You lower your weapon. No…this can't be true… it’s impossible . “What do you mean by that, my kitten?”

“I found out that Garfield loved me [Y/n]. He confessed to me. It broke his heart to know you slept with me. Even tho the sex was crazy ngl.”

“Yeah. your insides are pretty good for food fucking. Soft and wet… wait jojo reference!?”

He nods and looks around the room. “See this [Y/n]? After the war, I became a discord mod. I get foot pic from my kittens.”

He then picks up a photo of Sonic the hedgehog off the floor. Sonic’s carpet Tuggers are handing out. The tomato uses telekinesis to do so. He doesn’t have hands. He is a tomato.

“So this is why I will self combust right now.”

The tomato from veggie tale self combusts. Nothing but ashes are left on the ground. Your task is complete. You have nothing left. What now? How will you fulfill your empty , sad soul? Then out of nowhere, Naruto and Sasuke from Naruto shippuden crash through the window. Glass sprays everywhere, and you use your arms to block the shards. Then you see an intruder standing behind them.

“[Y/n] ! ARE YOU OK?” It runs up to you and squeezes you tightly (the most affection you’ll ever receive you virgin bitch) Naruto looks at you, and he seems to be pregnant. Mpreg….

“[Y/n] we need your help.” He asks. “The word is in danger. Only YOU can save us!”

“ok.”

“Also…Intruder is pregnant…”

You leave the country immediately.

You purchase a ticket to live in Canada. You change your name to Jacob D Williams. You start a job as an office worker. You do an onlyfans as a side hustle where you take photos of your feet. You cut contact with anybody that you knew before. Bitches gotta stay mad. This was the plan all along. You plant your seeds into submissive men, leaving them to take care of a fatherless child. You’re so devious. Just a little bit of tomfoolery. A few shenanigans.

You marry Shane dawnson and watch him have intercourse with his cats on a daily basis. Honestly, it’s kinda gross (even for you) so you’re probably gonna shove something explosive up his dirty asshole.

You live happily ever after, the end.

Unless something else happens?!! Wtffttftfttfd!!?,

Ok bye