The Art of Deception

The Hokage breathed a long plume of smoke out of the corner of his mouth, eyeing the ninja gathered before him. The relaxed atmosphere around the room belied the fact that every person standing within its walls was a stone-cold contract killer.

"The finals are in one week," rumbled the Hokage. "The corpses in the forest turned up only dead ends, but we have every reason to suspect that Orochimaru is still in the area. Jiraiya of the Sannin has been dispatched to all the districts around the village, and ANBU patrols outside have also tripled. If Orochimaru is planning something, we can be rest assured that it will happen on the date of the final. All of you are hereby ordered to remain vigilant. Your students will be your responsibility on that day."

"Lord Hokage," boomed Gai, "is it wise to have the finals in such a scenario? Perhaps we should hold off on the event until investigations turn up something concrete…"

"As much as I would like that, Gai, I'm afraid it is not a possibility," answered the Hokage. "Tickets have been sold at a premium, the Daimyo has already set out, and the Leaf cannot afford to back out at the last moment and show any hint of weakness." Gai nodded his acceptance.

"Want a little more time for the finals, Gai?" Asuma chuckled, puffing on a cigarette near the window. "Don't tell me you're afraid of losing your little bet with Kakashi? You have doubled the stakes, after all."

Gai, exuberant as ever, heartily crossed his hands in front of his body in denial. "Never! Even though Neji has denied my assistance to train for the final, I'm sure the strength of his youthfulness will take him to the very top. Soon we shall see an unmasked Copy Ninja walking around the village with empty hands, this I swear!"

All eyes turned to Kakashi, but the lanky jonin was immersed in the orange book he was holding. He looked up slowly. "Hmm?" he asked, making the others in the room groan immediately. "Did I miss something?"

The Hokage raised his hands to forestall the imminent explosion, as Gai swelled up like one of Jiraiya's toads. "Enough. Kakashi, pay attention," Hiruzen admonished. Kakashi shrugged his shoulders, not taking his attention off his reading. The Hokage let it slide. "Report on the progress of your students, now, before you're dismissed. Have they taken the message of the second phase to heart?"

Asuma spoke up immediately, evidently eager to broach this topic. "The little Nara picked up on it immediately. The first thing he asked me was if their activities over this month would be tracked and counted towards his final promotion as chunin. I didn't confirm or deny, of course, but the little genius has been training with his father every day for the last three weeks. His stamina and hand to hand has improved, his tactics were already jonin level. He's the full deal, Hokage-sama."

"He's ready for a promotion, then? What of his opponent, Dosu of Sound?"

"Shikamaru's got a flair for the dramatic," replied Asuma. "He hasn't let me in on his plan, but he's told me that he's got thirty-six different scenarios planned out. If he manages to stay in his matches long enough to demonstrate his talents, he's a sure bet for promotion."

"As impressive as his father," said the Hokage. "Very good. Gai?"

"As I said, Lord Hokage," said Gai. "Neji has not come to me for training. Both his 'heaven' and his 'earth' are ideal for a genin on the cusp of promotion, but his personal issues are affecting his teamwork. He will progress far on the day, but," Gai sighed, his earnest face falling, "I do not think he is ready to be promoted, based on what I have seen. He is a great soldier but he is not yet a leader of men."

"Not every chunin is a born leader," chided Hiruzen. "Leadership is important, yes, but every ninja in the village is professional enough to put the mission first, no matter how…difficult their leader might prove, as long as said leader is tactically sound and does not ask the unfair of his teammates."

Gai shook his head. "There is a reason they are apprenticed to us, are they not? They will be the future elites of the village, Lord Hokage. Someday they will have genin students of their own. If Neji is passed on the merit of his skill alone, he will never be great. It will be a waste of his youth."

"There are plenty of good jonin in the village," protested Kurenai. Hiruzen noted the deliberate distance she'd put between herself and his son. "All of them are a credit to the system, and indispensable to the functioning of Fire Nation. Neji might yet thaw his disposition and bond with his peers before he advances further, but a genius like him will surely resent being held back, sooner or later."

"Neji's hurts run deep," said Gai. "You are, of course, correct, but I believe that we must hold our students to a higher standard. Until Neji faces his past, and comes to terms with it, I myself will block his promotion to chunin," he bowed his head. "Lord Hokage."

"At ease, Gai. All of you know your students best," said Hiruzen. "I only ask for your reports, and yours will be the final word when it comes to their progress. Very well, Gai. It heartens me to see that you are dedicated to growing three ninjas as compassionate and well-rounded as you." The eccentric jonin flashed a smile, throwing a thumbs up. The Hokage snorted. "Kurenai?" he asked, turning his attention to the only female in the room.

"Shino has been training hard over the last few weeks, Lord Third," said Kurenai. "Like Sarutobi," she continued, deliberately formal, "I am not too aware of the details of his training with his clan, only that he has been working from sunup to sundown unless he's been reviewing with me. While he has trouble with his emotions sometimes, I believe that he has been enthused by the second phase. But he is also…disturbed," she said, "at what he perceives as dishonour to both his teammate and his teacher. Depending on who wins the first fight, he says that he will settle the matter on the ground once he defeats Kankuro of the Sand."

"And does his teacher feel dishonoured?" asked Kakashi lightly.

Kurenai shook her head, the dark locks around her face swaying hypnotically. Hiruzen blinked, and then blinked again. "I am a teacher, as much as I am a ninja of this village. While I admit that I behaved a little more rashly than I should have, I have grown attached to my team and thought that the threat to them was real. Besides," she said, her red eyes glinting, "as someone who specialises in deception of the mind, I can appreciate a trick well done. I hold no hostility to little Uzumaki, and I only hope that he enriches his talents in service of the village. If you want, I can offer him some tips in the mind arts, to show both him, and my team, that there is no animosity between us," she offered.

"That's good," said Kakashi, "your offer. But also," he clarified, "that you care so much for your students. In that aspect, Kurenai, you are perhaps ahead of all us, on par with Gai. If Team 8 ever needs to learn some ninjutsu, I will help where I can. I appreciate that we settled this."

"How youthful!" boomed Gai. "It warms my heart to see such understanding between comrades!"

The Hokage also nodded his head in approval.

"The village will grow with such wisdom leading it forward," he remarked. Kurenai's cheeks pinked gently, and her eyes shone, glowing like rubies in the dark. The Hokage blinked again.

His son was either a fool or a hero.

"And on the matter of his promotion?" he asked.

"I am not sure, Lord Third," she answered simply. "I believe that, unlike most Aburame, Shino's difficulties do not lie in a lack of emotion. Instead, he is unusually sensitive for a boy his age, with hidden depths. For him, it is expressing those emotions that is the problem. I fear that they might come out expressively one day. For that reason, I have not talked to him about the prelims, and let him deal with his feelings himself. His final promotion will be based on how he performs in his match, if I have calculated correctly."

"Excellent," the Hokage complimented her. "A level of insight befitting of a genjutsu expert, jonin. Very well, I shall keep a close eye on him next week," he said. "Now, to the final two rookies. Kakashi, Ebisu?"

The special jonin melted out of the shadows, bowing his head at Kakashi, indicating that the jonin should speak first. Ebisu was a man of tradition. Despite his rank, it was with chunin that he interacted, more than the jonin of the village. For all of his talents, the man still deferred to his seniors steadfastly, to the point where his respect for them would not allow him to even speak between a conversation, unless it were for a mission. He was a rigid man.

Kakashi accepted the invitation with his usual ill grace. "I am sure you remember our last discussions about Sasuke, Lord Third," he said, continuing when the Hokage nodded. "I am pleased to say that Sasuke has progressed even beyond my expectations." To those who knew him, the Copy Ninja's posture seemed to radiate pride and satisfaction. "His skills are not in question, and I have only augmented them over the past few weeks. Suffice to say," his lone eye roamed around the room. "He can win the entire event should the stars align in his favour."

The Hokage cut off Gai before he could begin to reply to that. "A strong statement, my boy. But that is not what you are speaking of, unless I am mistaken?"

"Perceptive as ever, Lord Hokage," Kakashi nodded. "Ever since the Wave disaster," Hiruzen snorted, "Team 7 has been coming together into a cohesive unit. While Naruto has always made overtures towards his teammates, in sometimes…unusual fashion, it is only recently that Sasuke has become receptive, and even reciprocated. I believe that the two of them already had some sort of rivalry, even before the team had formed, but Naruto's solution to the second phase, as well as his preliminary fight," he nodded at Kurenai, "has opened his eyes to Naruto as a true peer. Both times, Naruto was clean, clever, and decisive, traits I believe Sasuke can respect. I've even seen the boys bonding over their likes, but most importantly, when I offered him my teaching over this month, his first response was hesitation."

"The Uchiha baulked at the idea of training with you?" asked Asuma, surprised. All the higher-ups in the village knew of the boy's self-proclaimed ambition, and how driven he was to achieve it.

"Not at the idea of training with me," answered Kakashi. "The idea of me training with me, without his teammate. After all, I am the only jonin who has two students in the final, so it was inevitable that I would need some support."

The Hokage leaned back in his seat, amused at the sour looks the other jonin tried to hide, but also pleased at this new development. "How was the matter settled?"

Kakashi shook his head, his lone eye curving in a cyclopean smile. "Naruto settled the matter for him. Despite their newborn camaraderie, both boys are aware of the danger Sasuke's opponent poses. After I assured the boys that I'd gotten the ideal instructor for him, Sasuke consented to make the trip with me, as long as he, in his own words, 'got to fight the dead last' in the semifinals."

"The boy is that confident in his rival's abilities?" questioned Gai, rubbing his chin. "The only way that they will meet is if Uzumaki beats my student. I do not mean to brag, but that will be a tall order."

Kakashi nodded. "As I said, a new respect has bloomed between them. Right now, Naruto is Sasuke's first, and only, bond that is tying him to the Leaf Village firmly. Where tens of teachers and classmates have failed, Naruto, against all odds, has succeeded. I won't say that Sasuke has given up on his revenge, but he has been more contemplative over the last month than I've ever seen him. An immediate goal, separate from his desire to hunt down his brother, has been good for him."

"Do you think the bond will hold?" asked Kurenai, taking the words out of the Hokage's mouth. "Hypothetically, if Uzumaki pulls out another shock victory, how will he take it?"

Kakashi sighed. "And that is why I don't know if Sasuke is ready to be a chunin, Lord Hokage," he said. "Like the Aburame, he can only be judged after the fact. All I know is that he has been sneaking out during the evenings sometimes, to spar with his teammate, and even to dine with Naruto and Sakura a couple times." Kakashi chuckled. "I'm not sure of the specifics, but I think Naruto has converted the boy to the ways of ramen. I hear him muttering about it now and then. They are building their bonds, and possibly exchanging lessons as well. A week in, I caught Sasuke trying to walk on water, a skill I hadn't taught him then, but one I believe Ebisu has been working on, with Naruto." The special jonin nodded. "He has not bonded with Sakura to the same extent, but Naruto's crush ensures that they include her often, something I myself deemed unimportant at this juncture."

"That is excellent news, Kakashi. Perhaps there is hope for young Sasuke's future after all," said Hiruzen. "Very well. I will observe the boy myself, and ask you to do the same. Perhaps he shall be a good fit with the hunter-nin, if your observations are correct. A series of short term objectives that will both take his attention and also help him grow strong enough to fulfil his ambitions." Kakashi nodded in agreement.

"Very well," said the Hokage, pulling deeply on his pipe. "And now, on to our most enigmatic participant. What are your thoughts on Naruto, Ebisu?"

"Lord Hokage," Ebisu bent his head in submission. "Uzumaki is dense, poor at abstract thinking, and he has no scholastic skills to speak of. He takes some things far too literally and disregards others, he can be loud and obnoxiously naive, his dietary habits are abysmal, and his manners are worse than a feral animal." He raised his head, his face shining. "That being said, Lord Hokage, the boy is beyond ready to be a chunin. If you are willing to take personal recommendations into account, that boy should be drafted into ANBU post haste. He will be a Captain before he reaches adulthood."

Hiruzen played with the idea of Ebisu being one of the ninjas conspiring to send the demon fox to his death, and discarded it. He recognized the look on his face - it was won he had worn himself, many times, when speaking of his old and misguided student.

"Those are some contrasting statements, Ebisu," said Kakashi, a raised eyebrow the only testament to his surprise. "What makes you think that Naruto could qualify for ANBU with such a laundry list of defects?"

"It's simple," replied the special Jonin. "The boy is a diamond in the rough. Half of his faults are only because he is a thirteen year old boy, and the other half will be taken care of after a few missions with the black ops, as long as he has a proper safety net back home to allow him to deal with the fallout. Lord Third," he said, "I will not mince words. The Academy completely failed, perhaps deliberately, to understand the child. He is no intellectual, poring through blocks of text for research. Perhaps that will come with age but the boy is one who learns through fists and cuts and bruises, through word of mouth and instructions."

The special jonin placed a thick file on the Hokage's desk. Everyone came closer for a better view, as Hiruzen opened it to find detailed reports and observations on Naruto. The Hokage couldn't hide his surprise as he flipped through the pages.

"Some of these are his own assignments," observed Kakashi, smoothly reading Naruto's surprisingly tidy scrawl upside down.

Ebisu nodded. "Like I said, the boy does not do well with books and tomes. However, if given relevant material, like packets on chakra control after his first evening of training, or even basic politics, after a round of mock missions, he will diligently work his way through the information. After some prodding on my part, he has even learnt to ask relevant questions. That is not to say that he is not curious, but he prefers to go to his teammate Haruno for any follow up information that might interest him, and the girl does oblige him, if a little violently at times. In that way, Lord Hokage, Team 7 is perfectly balanced."

The Hokage nodded, still working through the pages. "Tactics, stratagems, logistics, even basic history and geography and," the Hokage raised his eyebrows. "Etiquette and comportment. How on Earth did you manage to teach him all of this, Ebisu?"

"If you will allow me a bit of hubris, Lord Hokage," said Ebisu, "like the jonin are elites in different areas of the martial, I am an elite in the field of education. They have developed unique skills in their fields of interest, and I have tailored my teaching abilities to teach every student, irrespective of their levels of abilities. Once you get a handle on Naruto's learning methods, his ability is unquestionable." Ebisue waved a loose arm at the papers on the Hokage's desk.

"Put him in as a squad member of an infiltration mission to Lightning Country, and he will learn, in bits and pieces, of the history, geography and politics. Tell him that he is on an undercover protection detail in the Daimyo's court, and he will display a stunning development in his etiquette. In a mock assassination mission," Asuma coughed a little, inhaling more smoke than he meant to, "he learns to use his clones in tandem instead of all at once, and the results are…interesting," he said, sweeping his hand at the file on the table. "He was a bit resistant to the idea of 'fake' missions, at first, but once I framed it in terms he understood, he, in his own words, said that there is 'no shortcut to becoming Hokage', and worked diligently at the matter."

"I see," boomed Gai, shooting Ebisu a thumbs up. "It is how you advised me to help Lee focus on matters other than his physical prowess, by framing the academic as training to overcome his rival. How youthful!"

"Exactly," said Ebisu, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "The boy has progressed in his weakest area more than even I could dream of. He has improved his chakra control, polished his hand to hand skills and even improved his weaponry. He is still terrible at advanced mathematics, but displays an astonishing ability in the practical abilities, with an eye for advanced manoeuvres with shuriken and kunai. Where he really shines, however, is his ninjutsu ability. I have not taught him more than a few, but he tweaks and modifies and experiments with them constantly, even working on hand seal theory with his female teammate."

Hiruzen felt his own interest rise. He was called the Professor for a reason, after all. "Ninjutsu experimentation, you say?" he asked. "Have you seen any results?"

Ebisu smiled. "It seems all of your subordinates have a touch of the drama, Lord Third. My student is also ready for the finals, and there is one thing he has done that none of his competitors have."

"He's not very subtle, sometimes," grumbled Kurenai.

"Subtle enough for a genin," chuckled Asuma. "My little Nara, for all of his intelligence, still hasn't realized that he's being spied on."

"The Hyuga have come forward to me about his attempts," said Gai. "Of course, none of them have intervened, since every prospective chunin should always be wary of counter-intelligence. His efforts seem to have not borne much fruit, but I have requested them to remain neutral, to allow Neji to learn his lesson and grow as a ninja."

"Ah," said the Hokage. "He has been spying on the opposition. That, alone, puts him in the running for a promotion, then. Excellent, Ebisu. I look forward to seeing him in action next weekend. The daimyo is sure to be pleased with such a talented pool of genin. I, myself, am looking forward to a day off at the office and a chance to see the next generation of the Leaf."

"Actually, Lord Hokage, perhaps there is a way for you to get a sample of Naruto's talents before the exams begin," said Ebisu.

"Oh? Do tell."

Ebisu fidgeted a little, but the man seemed to be giving off an air of smugness. "If you will excuse a little misuse of your facilities, I pulled a few strings. Training Ground 83 was open tonight, and I and a few of my colleagues have set an actual mission for little Uzumaki to undertake."

"83?" asked Kurenai, shocked. "You want to put a rookie genin through the Fortress? I thought you wanted to recommend him for ANBU, Ebisu, not put him through ANBU wargames!"

"The parameters have been altered, the trap difficulty lowered, and the guards are all from the chunin pool, not from ANBU. I simply received permission to use it for an evening," said Ebisu. "Since Naruto technically failed the information gathering portion of phase 1, I wanted him to prove to me that he has improved under my teaching. He has been told that this is a real mission, with both money from my pocket and an advanced technique as a reward. I have officially put the mission difficulty as C rank."

"But still -" protested Asuma.

"Is it really any different from the clans' personal training areas?" asked Kakashi. "The Hyuga Maze, the Yamanaka Twister, the Nara Gauntlet. Besides, unless I'm mistaken, Gai has also tapped the same ground to put his team through mock missions there."

"Indeed!" answered the excitable jonin. "It is a most youthful method of training, one that should be commended, not criticised! I for one trust my dear Ebisu if he says mission parameters have been altered. Oh, if only I were a youthful genin again, trying to -"

"Also," Kakashi cut in smoothly, "I doubt that Naruto will be running it alone. Sasuke, for some reason, wanted an early end to his evening training even before I told him I wouldn't be available. I believe Naruto has contacted his teammates to run the mission with him," he concluded, pleased."

"I see," said Hiruzen slowly. "But I'm afraid I don't see how we can review his performance from here, really."

All the ninja in the room turned a deadpan expression on him. Hiruzen even imagined that he could feel the stony looks of the ANBU hiding in the corners of his office.

"Oh, I don't know, Lord Hokage," said Asuma acidly. "Surely there isn't a convenient crystal ball that keeps track of our single biggest asset any moment he's within five kilometres of the village wall?"

The Hokage glared at his son. "If such a device existed, it would be a secret, my foolish son."

Asuma met his look with a face carved from stone.

Hiruzen blew out another puff of smoke. "Very well," he said. "It seems that even the Hokage's office is cursed with loose lips." All the ninja around the room gathered eagerly around the sphere he took out from his drawer and placed on the table.

The crystal remained blank for almost half a minute before it began to show images, hazy and distorted, in its depths.

"That's strange," muttered the Hokage, scratching his beard. "Training Ground 83 is close enough to establish a quicker connection."

"Um, Lord Hokage," said Kakashi, "that's not the Fortress."

"And that's my team," said Kurenai, peering into the ball.

"And mine," said Asuma, snuffing his cigarette out with a burst of chakra. "What the hell?"

"For the last time," whispered Ino, looking at the compound in front of them. "Are we sure about this mission?"

Naruto rubbed his temples. The blond ninja was unrecognizable, dressed from head to toe in loose black clothing, a similar headband hiding his brightly coloured hair. The only things visible were his electric blue eyes, and he pulled a pair of round black goggles over them. "Yes, Ino, I'm sure," he said, his voice slightly muffled. The blond handed a similarly dressed Shikamaru another pair, who pulled it over his face. "Ebisu-sensei told me it was a real mission, but he was working with wrong intel. I've been," the blond paused, "collecting information of my own for the past few weeks, and my source is a hundred percent guaranteed right."

"You have been trying to spy on your opponents before the finals, that much has been established," said Shino, a touch coldly. The tall boy buzzed a little, sounding displeased.

Naruto turned to him. "Well, duh," he said. "I can't believe you guys haven't been doing the same. Besides, your place is harder to get into than the Hyuga's, buddy. Way, way too many insects," he said.

"Indeed," said Shino. His buzzing sounded a little happier.

"Screw that!" said Ino. "The Forest of Death was something else, this is literally a step away from being a suicide mission. You want us to infiltrate the fucking Sand's lodgings to look for proof. You broke Sasuke!"

Sakura, who was hunched over next to a squatting Sasuke, looked up at that and scowled. "I'm going to kick your ass once this mission is over, you idiot," she hissed, while running gentle circles over Sasuke's back. "I can't believe you pretended to be Sasuke to - to seduce - that sand harlot!"

"Hey, Sasuke's fine with it!" protested Naruto. "Right, Sasuke?"

Sasuke turned wide, unseeing eyes at him. "I can't believe you did this to me…again."

"Never mind," said Naruto quickly, before Sakura could pick up on that line of questioning. "Sasuke's got the easiest gig anyway, so he's going to be fine. Besides, he's got you as backup, Sakura!" Sasuke's eyes flashed red for an instant.

"Bottomline," said Naruto, ignoring his hyperventilating best friend, "Temari has fallen into an ill-timed romance with the last Uchiha," he sniggered. "Since she luuuuurvs Sasuke so much, she has spilled her guts about the Sand and Sound's plan, and now we need to get in and find the details out."

"Yeah, but why not take it to the Hokage?"

"Listen, if you're being chicken, I can -" began Kiba, but Shikamaru cut him off.

"No. Kiba, you and Choji are the muscle for the operation. If things go south, the two of you are going to be our first and last line of defence while we try to escape. Sasuke's going to be otherwise occupied, and Naruto's the only one who's infiltrated it before, so he needs to be with me," said the Nara sternly. "Besides, think about it. There's a reason Ebisu gave Naruto this mission. If Leaf jonin or ANBU are found inside the compound, that's an international incident. If a few genin are found sneaking in, the higher-ups can just say that it was a stupid attempt to spy on the competition, and the most we get is a slap on the wrist. Or disqualification, which would honestly be nice," he muttered to himself.

"I'm just saying," Ino protested weakly, before steeling herself. "Right, no, you're right. We can do this. Let's go over mission parameters one last time."

"Very well," said Shino, stepping forward. A dark line crawled out from his jacket, and arranged itself into an outline of the compound at their feet. "The mission objectives are, in essence, simple. He raised a finger. "Information." He raised another. "Sabotage." A third finger joined the other two. "Distraction."

The Aburame pointed to the U-shaped row of rectangles on the ground. The outline of the main building started moving around in a loop. "The main building. Heavily guarded and patrolled. Luckily, Temari of the Desert has told Naruto, or Sasuke, from her perspective, an easy opening so that the two of them might have a romantic tryst." Sasuke whined. Sakura rubbed his back harder.

"In ten minutes, the moon shall go behind the clouds. Sasuke will enter Temari's room through the right-most window on the third floor, while Sakura will hide underneath in the bushes to act as a distraction. At the same time, Shikamaru and Naruto will infiltrate the senior officer Baki's room. Temari has reported that he will be in town tonight, leaving her open to have her intimate meeting with Sasuke." Another whine. Both Ino and Sakura shot Sasuke concerned looks, before glowering identically at Naruto.

"Ino will go here," another house in the compound started moving in place, "to where Naruto has reported the armoury is. There is only one guard, to avoid extra suspicion, I believe. If she finds any sort of weapons, she is to either sabotage them to the best of her abilities. I have provided her with a special contingent of my parasites for the same purpose." The Yamanaka heiress nodded.

"Choji and Kiba are the backups," continued Shino, while the Inuzuka scowled. "In case the mission is in jeopardy, and help is needed, they will enter and assist as needed."

"And finally," Shino hummed in satisfaction, "I am mission central. Each of you have received three different species of insects, one on each shoulder and the last in the small of your back. Remember, the one on the left is for immediate backup, the one on the right is to call Kiba or Choji, who shall be held in reserve for an escape, unless things are utterly dire. Finally, the one in the small of your back is for the distraction. Simply squeeze the insect, and it will release a pheromone with a range of 1 kilometre. The one on the left will call the nearest team for help, and the other two are self explanatory. You will feel a bite, not unlike an inoculation, and then my peer will lead you to the person in distress. If the closest team is in trouble, then the distraction will auto-activate in five seconds unless the response team squeezes their insect in turn. I will be keeping track of all of you inside from here. However, there are still," some of the insects on the ground broke off and moved around the compound walls, "ninja on patrol. Any movement you make will have to be calculated and careful."

"And remember, Ino, Naruto, no chakra," added Shikamaru darkly. "Kiba's seals will hold, but some of us," he looked dryly at Naruto, looking like an overgrown insect himself with his goggles, "have way too much and will break them under stress. Sand has some of the best sensors in the Elemental Nations. One drop of chakra, and they will be on us like white on rice. We're going in on stealth alone."

"So no pressure," said Kiba, still a touch bitter at being relegated to the sidelines. He'd provided the gear from the hunter-nin stores of his family, while Choji had brought an entire supply of different kinds of pills.

"No pressure at all," said Naruto. "Listen, guys," he said seriously. "This means everything to the village. The exams, the finals, the prelims, none of it matters if there isn't a village to return to. Stay close to the ground and the walls, move with the clouds, and call if you need help. Sasuke," he addressed the blond, "buddy, you got to think of the Leaf and just go for it. I believe in you," he added, and the Uchiha nodded shakily, a little colour returning to his cheeks. "We're ninja of the Leaf Village," he whisper-cheered, "we got this. Bring it in."

He put his fist out, and the other genin circled around him and repeated the gesture. Sasuke met eyes with him and nodded firmly. "For the Leaf," whispered Naruto.

"The Leaf," repeated the others.

"He's actually good at that," whispered Ino to Sakura, as they huddled in the no man's land between the Sand and Leaf patrols. "Why is he good at that?"

Sakura shrugged. "It's Naruto. He incited an entire country to revolution, this is nothing."

Ino wanted to ask, but then the clouds covered the moon and darkness swept over the grounds, and there was no time at all.

Like rats in the dark, the genin scrambled straight for the walls of the compound. Shikamaru stood against the wall and Naruto boosted himself onto the top, before twisting smoothly and pulling Shikamaru up. The two of them landed lightly on the other side and immediately ducked into the bushes, silent and focused. Even without using chakra to stick to things, they were still trained ninjas by description.

Shikamaru held his breath as he heard the patter of feet pass overhead, his heart beating so loudly that he was sure the patrol would hear it. He grit his teeth as the footsteps faded, and without speaking, both him and his partner lifted from the grass and half-ran, half crawled through the undergrowth.

He counted silently inside his head as they moved forward, his heart hammering against his ribs. Seven seconds. There was a patch of light in front of them, illuminated by a lone window on the ground floor. Shikamaru's brain sped through the mathematics, calculating the time till the next patrolling ninja would come around, their speed of travel, the distance between them and the patch of grass beyond the window, the chances of someone appearing at it while they passed -

The muscles of his legs tensed, and then Naruto dragged him harshly down into the grass. Shikamaru heard the sound of another patrol come and go, the blood thundering in his ears.

He had just miscalculated, and only Naruto's quick thinking had saved them for discovery. His brain now rushed through the different scenarios that could happen if they got caught - after all, he'd told Ino a barefaced lie. There was as much chance of death and dismemberment on discovery, as there was of a trip to the Hokage and disqualification for resorting to unfair means.

Shikamaru weakly tried to get up, his arms feeling weak, but Naruto's fist held him firm against the ground. The blond slowly tapped on his chest. And again, and again.

The Nara boy tried to match his heartbeat to the sound of Naruto's taps as he heard another patrol come and go, and then another, and then another, wondering just how Naruto had gotten enough experience to be a stone cold infiltrator. After a while, his breathing turned even, and he squeezed his fist over Naruto's to signal that he was fine.

Naruto squeezed back. As soon as the next patrols passed, they moved forward again, and this time, Shikamaru felt his mind fall into its familiar calm rhythms. He was a Nara. The shadows were his fiefdom. He would be fine.

Like spirits in the night, the two of them crept along to the edge of the main building. It was a giant, wooden building made in the traditional Fire Country style, with multiple storeys stacked on top of each other and three giant roofs, from big to small, and balconies encircling each floor. Shikamaru lay against the side and listened to the sound of crickets chirping and the birds calling to each other occasionally, interrupted by the light footsteps of the ninja patrolling the walls.

A summer swallow burbled from the other side of the compound, and an owl hooted in response. Shikamaru swallowed, his throat dry. The other three were also in position.

Naruto shifted against him. Quietly, the blond crouched to his knees like he was one of Shikamaru's own shadows, and chanced a quick peek inside the ground floor before collapsing bonelessly to the ground again. He felt the Uzumaki crawl up next to him, his muffled breath still hot against his ears.

"Nightingale floors," Naruto hissed into his ears, and Shikamaru nodded his head. It was an old defence against ninjas, dating back to the Warring Periods, when clans would leave the nails on their floorboards purposely loose so that any intruder would be caught immediately because they didn't know where to step.

No matter. He adapted their plans accordingly. The two of them huddled together on the ground and Shikamaru calmed himself by watching the clouds pass, a small touch of normalcy in the middle of a crazy mission.

The moon vanished behind clouds again, and the two of them flared out the black cloaks tied to their wrists, and began to climb.

Ino dropped off the special package Shino had given her, and quietly lifted a window and slipped inside, pulling it shut behind her.

She flipped her dyed hair over her shoulder and crept into the corner, waiting for the moonlight to reappear.

When it did, the first thing she did was to head over to the uniforms in the corner and pull one of the traditional Suna coats over her clothes, grimacing at the sudden, stifling warmth. And then she focused on the weaponry around her, sorting through boxes of storage seals marked 'kunai' and 'shuriken' and 'ninja wire'.

Quiet as a mouse, she waited for the patrol to pass before leaping over to the next corner, and then the other, ever aware of the clock ticking down. The back of her neck grew damp under the stifling collar, as she sorted through windmill shuriken and more wire. She paused for a second at the boxes of spare puppet parts, but decided to leave them alone.

She froze for a moment as she heard a sudden curse split the silence. Shino's scorpion had done its job, and she listened in quiet glee as the genetically modified poison did its job. Within seconds, she heard the slump of a body falling against the door.

Nodding in satisfaction, she sent a quick prayer for the infiltrators two houses over, and resumed her job with a touch more freedom. Even with her experience, there seemed to be far too much equipment for a Chunin Exam final. Grunting as she shifted boxes, she flipped through more and more equipment, until she hit the payload.

She opened a box marked 'kunai' and ran a quick eye over it, and was about to close it shut again when something caught her eye. Shifting the scrolls on top aside, she found layers of neatly stacked scrolls, smaller than the ones used to store weapons. Ino had almost no experience with the Sealing Arts, but even she could tell a difference between these and the other, standard, ones.

With a start, she realised that they reminded her of the Heaven and Earth scrolls that they had been given for the second phase. Like those scrolls, they were smaller and more compact, barely bigger than the palm of her hand.

"Well," she muttered to herself, "here goes nothing. She reached for the pouches around her waist and opened one, shivering as a row of bugs crawled up her arms and lined up over the scroll. She held her breath and counted to thirty, and then sixty, before they quietly marched back into the pouch.

She scoffed at her shaking fingers as she unrolled the paper. Her blood ran cold as her eyes ran over the same matrix that had summoned their chunin teacher in the Forest of Death, rows of kanji radiating out from the circle in the centre.

Ino quietly shifted to another box in the pile and looked through it, and then another. She estimated at least a hundred and fifty summoning scrolls hidden with the weaponry.

That could be a hundred and fifty jonin summoned into their village in the blink of an eye. Images of an entire army flashed through her mind as she undid all the pouches without hesitation, standing as still as a statue as she let them flow all over her and into the boxes. Reaching for her ankles, she took out a larger bug and squeezed, activating the final piece of extra equipment Shino had provided her.

The Yamanaka heiress smiled coldly as minutes passed and then another column of bugs crawled in through the small gap she'd left in the windowsill.

"Leave the weapons," she whispered. "Suck all the rest dry."

Miraculously, or perhaps they'd had a taste of the chakra, the insects understood, and left the weapon scrolls alone. She watched as they moved like a regiment through the summoning scrolls, quietly packing the boxes back into place.

Engrossed in her work, she almost didn't catch it when the light opposite her room switched on. Ino muffled a curse and slammed herself against the wall, but it was too late, she'd been spotted.

She made a split second decision, and squeezed her left shoulder, and began counting.

And then the sound of an angry roar shattered the quiet.

Naruto crept onto the ledge next to Baki's window, mirrored by Shikamaru on the other side. Slowly, with experience born of years of pranking, he slid the window open, careful not to disturb the Cloak of Invisibility technique. The next instant, the two of them were inside the room, tucking the cloaks back into place as they settled into the rafters of the room. Shikamaru leapt from the edge to the centre of the room as Naruto hung upside down and slid the window down, before he crept to the door.

Hanging upside down, he slid the door open a sliver to keep watch, before lying down on the beam and peering at the dimly lit corridor outside, also watching his partner-in-crime out of the corner of his eye.

Behind him, Shikamaru surveyed the room with a practiced eye, kneeling on the edge, before shifting a little to his right and leaping onto the floor. Naruto released a tense breath when the floor didn't creak.

"Memorised the spots," grunted the Nara, as he riffled quickly through the room, opening drawers and checking under the bed and under the covers. When the search turned up nothing, he silently shifted the tatami mats on the floor and peeled back the flooring to look at the hollow space underneath.

"Nothing," the Nara whispered. "Are you sure this is - "

Naruto only pointed to the corner of the room, where three copies of Baki's uniform hung from the wall. Shikamaru swore, climbing back up to the rafters and moving to sit next to Naruto.

"It's a bust," whispered the Nara. "If there's something, it's not here. "Think, think, where else can it be? Where would an infiltrator not look?"

Chouji, whose family often took jobs as builders and had refurbished this place years ago, had shown them the floor plans. Naruto had gone over it with Shikamaru, doing his best to commit it to memory.

Eight buildings stood in a row to each side of the main building. The two near the gate were guard posts, the one after the building closest to Baki's building was where Ino was going through the armoury, and most of the others were for the civilians.

"The civilians," murmured Shikamaru. "Nobody would think of the civilians being involved in an invasion. It's the perfect place to hide it, but where would they keep it? There are six buildings in total…" Shikamaru's face was pale with sweat, his lips moving silently as he shut his eyes and engaged his mind at full capacity.

Naruto wasn't as smart, but he had one thing Shikamaru didn't - years of pranking experience. He kicked the Nara out of his contemplation, making the boy glare at him eerily through his goggles. "Look underneath the underneath," he muttered. "That's the first place they'd expect us to look, because that's where nobody would expect it to be." Bait and switch at its simplest. And if Ebisu's lessons were to be believed, that would just cause -

"Harass the civilians, get nothing to show for it, the Leaf is humiliated and looks paranoid, while the Sand stands vindicated. Basic," the two boys smirked at each other, their thoughts exactly in sync.

"Hey, Naruto," said Shikamaru, "if someone had the plans for a top-secret prank, what would they do with it?"

The two of them looked at each other. "Keep it on them at all times," they whispered together.

The smiles slid off their faces when they heard footsteps coming up the stairs at the end of the corridor. Quick as a flash, Naruto edged the door closed. Untying the rope, the two of them barely made it out the window before the door slid open.

Baki's footsteps entered the room with loud thuds before they stopped.

"You know," his voice floated around the room, "I am a master of Wind Techniques. My sensitivity to the element is such that I can even tell when the air in a room has been disturbed. So why don't you stop hiding," his footsteps came closer, "and just come out!" The window slid open sharply.

Naruto fought the urge to vomit as all the blood rushed to his head. He hung upside down from the beam under the balcony, his arms under Shikamaru's shoulders, straining to hold the boy up with the sole strength of his legs around the slanted wooden pillar.

"My, my," said Baki, "I am dealing with a clever foe. But you won't be the first clever Leaf nin I've killed tonight. If you hurry, there's a body that's slowly bleeding out on the ground floor." Shikamaru stared up at Naruto, the dark of his goggles unable to hide the tension in the boy's arms. Baki's heavy footsteps stopped at the balcony above them.

Slowly, straining from his very core, Shikamaru lifted his hand up towards Naruto's back. "I admit, I am not so talented at sensing the air in open spaces. But that doesn't mean," achingly slowly, Shikamaru's hand found the small of his back, and squeezed. "That I'm not a sensor."

The two boys held their breath, praying to Kiba's seals. Baki was silent for a moment, before shifting. "A crafty foe, or my mistake?" he muttered.

Naruto froze when he felt a sharp sting on his left shoulder. Shikamaru's arms, looped around his, did the same. Both boys began to count backwards from fifteen in their heads, Naruto's mind jumbled from the blood rushing to his head.

They reached eight when someone yelled from three rooms over. Baki cursed, and leapt away.

The two boys jumped down to the roof beneath them, Naruto unable to resist taking deep breaths of air. His head was swimming, both with the thought of a Leaf Ninja captured by the Sand, and their comrade in danger. He froze for a dangerously long second, but Shikamaru made the decision for him.

"Get to Ino," muttered the boy, before running around to the other side of the house.

Naruto gulped, and jumped down.

Sasuke was not having a good time. Creeping through the dark like an assassin, spurred on by Naruto's words, had been fun, but his legs felt like jelly again as he crawled up the lone trellis under Temari's room and slipped in through the window.

"You came," said a husky voice, and Sasuke froze. Sasuke Uchiha was good at many things - hand-to-hand, shuriken, fire techniques, even brooding. He was not, however, good with women. Shutting the window behind him and turning around, he came face to face with Temari of the Desert, whose painted lips were pulled up into a delighted smile.

Sasuke's eyes ran down from those blood-red lips, to the loose robe she was wearing, and then to her…chest area, where the robes were loosely tied. He snapped his gaze back up to meet her gleaming green eyes.

"Like what you see?" said Temari, smirking and completely unoffended. "Baki's out tonight, so if you're lucky, you might get to see a whole lot more if you play your cards right. After all," she walked forward slowly like a stalking predator, "you're mine now."

And then her lips were on his, soft and warm, and Sasuke knew he was screwed when he failed to react instantly, his hands still limp at his sides, his body processing the new and wonderful feeling.

Temari leaned back, her face falling for an instant before she arranged it back into a smile. "What's wrong, Sasuke-baby?" she asked, sliding her hands up to his face, and Sasuke had to hide a flinch both at the nickname and the touch.

"Just - just a little nervous," he stuttered out, his voice cracking shamefully.

"Oh?" A little bit of confidence re-entered her voice. "I understand," she said. "No matter how much you have been neglected by the Leaf, left friendless after your clan was killed, some corner of you still feels something for the village. That's fine, my dear," she said, running her hands through his hair and then pulling him close. "I'll kiss it all better."

This time, Sasuke was ready. When their lips met, he returned the pressure of his own, and without any input from his brain, his hands went around her slim waist and pulled her close, as she opened her mouth and deepened the kiss.

Both of them were panting when they parted, Sasuke's thoughts spinning out of control as he unconsciously leaned in again for a quick nip, before Temari pulled him close.

"I'm glad," she said, her voice soft. "I'm glad that I've finally found someone who can look past who I am, who I'm related to, and see me for myself. I've been so scared, waiting in my room after I confessed the plan to you, but I'm glad you chose me over the village. Just seven more days, and the Leaf will be gone, but you and I will still be together, bonded by our loneliness."

Sasuke's ninja brain kicked back into gear, and he carefully allowed his body to melt into his embrace, pretending that she wasn't testing his reactions by pulling him close and pouring her heart out to him. A corner of his mind even admired her skill as a ninja.

Satisfied by what she felt, Temari pulled back and softly touched her lips to his again. Sasuke was caught between cursing Naruto and naming him the heir to the Uchiha fortune in case of Sasuke's untimely death.

"Come," she said, "sit with me, baby," she took his hand and pulled him over to her bed. Sasuke did not run his eyes over her as he followed. He did not.

They sat together on the mattress, and Sasuke did his best not to focus on the fact that the sheets smelled of Temari, light and ever so slightly floral.

Temari ran her hand over his, meeting his gaze from under the shadow of her hair. Clinically, Sasuke noted parted lips and dilated breathing. Because he was a good ninja and did not want to blow his cover by engaging too much in conversation, he leaned down and captured her lips again, threading his hand around the back of her slender neck.

Temari answered enthusiastically, her hands coming up on his shoulders. The two of them forewent the need for air as they kissed deeply, shifting closer to each other until Sasuke leaned over too much and they fell into the soft mattress. Sasuke lay on his back, his chest rising and falling sharply as he stared at the ceiling, trying to soak the moment in. Distantly, he wished that the others were also having a time as easy as his, and he wondered that he was ever nervous at the prospect of this mission.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Temari softly, linking their hands together.

"Naruto," Sasuke answered without thinking, and then winced at how that sounded. "Even though I have been alone for a long time," he hastily added, "he is the one person who's come close to breaching my walls." I want to buy him a mansion and a lifetime supply of ramen, he did not say. "Not like you," he said instead, squeezing his palm against hers. "Not like you," he repeated, unable to think of anything else to say.

Temari laughed, mercifully. "Should I be worried that you're thinking of another boy when you kiss me?" she asked, before rolling onto her side and leaning down on her elbow to look at him. Her face softened. "I understand, baby," she said. Sasuke liked the kissing, but he wished that she'd stop calling him that. "Even in your darkness, I'm glad you had that one light. If he is captured, I will plead to Baki for his life. This gift I will give you."

"Temari…" said Sasuke, in what he hoped was a charming voice, for lack of anything else to say. Despite his lack of social skills, even he knew that 'I'll put a hole through your chest if you even lay a finger on my friend' would not be the right thing to say.

"Yes, baby?"

He managed not to twitch at the infernal nickname, but he was now put on the spot.

Sasuke's brain reverted to the one thing it could always count on. "I want to fight you," he said dumbly, and then proceeded to mentally stuff a Chidori down his throat. "In the finals," he added lamely, carefully looking at the ceiling. "When two warriors fight, they can exchange their deepest thoughts with every move of the battle."

Sasuke thanked his late father for his habit of dropping meaningless musings at the dinner table.

Temari bought it. "My Uchiha warrior," she chuckled. "You do know me," she said, leaning down to brush his lips. "You know a way to a desert woman's heart. To us, war is love, and love is war. And you and I, baby," she slid sinuously over his body, lying on top of him, "we're warriors and," her breath mingled with his, "lovers."

True to her words, her lips met his in battle, and this time, they moaned as they came together again, tongues duelling and teeth clashing. Temari shifted on top of him and her robes came loose, but she only sat up and opened them further before leaning down again.

Sasuke's Sharingan activated and evolved instantly. Everything turned into slow-motion as she leaned forwards, and she was - he was -

Distantly, Sasuke heard the sound of the window opening, hyper-aware of every instant, and the sound of feet touching the floor. Then he heard a scream of rage.

"You fucking whore!" His Sharingan deactivated as Temari gave a yelp of fear and rolled off the bed, landing sharply before scrabbling to her feet. Sasuke came back to himself and sat up sharply, coming face to face with an incandescent Sakura who took in his ruffled hair and red-marked swollen lips, and charged straight at Temari with her kunai drawn.

Sasuke barely had time to jump in between the two girls before the door crashed open and people poured in, and the sand jonin-sensei came in through the window.

"What is going on here?" asked Baki menacingly, as even more ninja crept in through the window behind him.

"This fucking whore," repeated Sakura, her chest rising and falling in rage, "thought that she could steal away my Sasuke."

Temari, who'd been frozen like a deer caught under a hawk, screwed her face up in anger. "Your Sasuke?" she asked, her face flushing. "Sasuke-baby is mine. Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm his teammate, that's who," roared Sakura, and Sasuke barely intercepted as she jumped at Temari, who bared her teeth and picked her fan up from the floor.

"A nobody, then," she sneered. "Dearest, move aside so I can cut her to pieces."

A ninja who Sasuke recognized as Temari's puppeteer sibling whistled. "Catfight, Uchiha? Stand aside, I'm willing to put money on this."

"Shut up!" both Temari and Sakura hissed, before shooting identical glowers at each other.

"All of you shut up!" roared Baki. "Temari, why is the Uchiha in your room? Uchiha, why is your teammate in Temari's room?"

Temari quickly tied her robes back together and answered before Sakura could open her mouth again. "Sasuke and I are together," she hissed, raising her chin at Sakura. "This…stalker must have followed him here like the snake that she is!"

"I will grind your bones to dust!" roared Sakura, struggling against Sasuke's grip with surprising strength.

"Enough," said Baki, "enough!" he roared, and Sakura settled. "Uchiha," he gritted through clenched teeth. "Why are you in the Kazekage's daughters room, and why are you in the Kazekage's daughters room with two different women?"

Sasuke sent up another prayer to Fugaku and did his best to channel his old man. "I am indeed," he said, tilting his chin and pretending that he was worth the fan sewn onto the back of his shirt, "together with the Kazekage's daughter. This girl," he faked a sneer at Sakura, "is nothing but one of my annoying stalkers who must have followed him here. She's nothing," he added, looking down his nose at his pink-haired teammate.

Sasuke knew that both him and Sakura were playing their part, but he had to look away when Sakura stepped abruptly back from his arms and lowered her eyes to the floor, her pink hair falling over her forehead and hiding her eyes.

"Ha!" said Temari, "so you see -"

"You," said Baki, "will remain silent. What possessed you to invite a ninja from a rival village here before the…finals?" he asked, his voice deadly.

"But he's -"

"But nothing," said Baki firmly, cutting her off sharply. "You have disgraced the family, Temari of the Desert. And you, Uchiha," he turned his gaze to Sasuke, "you and your teammate will be coming with me to the Hokage. This matter is out of my hands, but I will see you disciplined if it's the last thing I do."

Sasuke only nodded and raised his hands in surrender. His casual behaviour only seemed to incense Baki further. The ninja took him by the shoulder and marched him out of the room, with others following behind with Sakura.

Sasuke still had his part to play, though. Shrugging off the grip of the older man, he turned back to Temari, who was standing forlorn in her room. "Dearest," he said, and Sakura flinched next to him. "Stay strong. We will meet again at the finals. Until then, I will bear our separation with silent strength," he finished with a flourish.

Temari's eyes flashed, and she nodded, lifting her head again.

"Touching," Baki said dryly. "It warms my heart, truly. Kankuro," he shot out, "there are some modifications from Suna for your puppet lying on the ground floor. See that it is cleared out when I'm back," he said, "or there will be hell to pay."

Sasuke watched the boy pale and nod, but let himself and Sakura be dragged out without further protest. His Sharingan flickered as he relived what he'd last seen with his cursed eyes, and he decided that Naruto was the brother of his heart.

Ino watched, heart in her mouth, as ninja from all over the compound ran over to Temari's room, mentally running over Shino's instructions. Moments later, the window slid open and Naruto jumped in, pulling his goggles over his head and looking at her.

"What's the matter?" he asked, looking at her dumbly. "Shikamaru hit the distraction alarm, but we felt you calling for us."

"We got massively lucky," Ino replied. "I just got spotted by the house opposite us, and you guys distracted him just before he came over."

Naruto whistled in agreement, before ducking as the sand jonin-sensei and a procession of ninja led Sasuke and Sakura out of the compound. "That's our distraction gone," she muttered. "Hey, wait, there's a body outside -"

"Pulled him into the grass already," Naruto said, and she breathed a sigh of relief. The Uzumaki looked around and spotted the insects still teeming in the boxes. "You found the payload, then?"

Ino was about to explain, when somebody knocked on their door. "Is someone inside? Where's the guard?"

Naruto froze for a second before diving for the corner and jamming a Sand bandana over his head, yanking his mask down from his mouth. Ino looked desperately at the bugged boxes and her mind went into overdrive.

"Naruto, come here," she hissed, pulling him into the centre of the room. She ripped her gown open and jerked the blond towards her sharply. They overbalanced,and Ino felt the wind get knocked out of her as Naruto landed heavily on top of her, and he scrambled to get up even as she jammed her lips onto his, and his hands -

"I'm coming in!"

The sand ninja opened the door to find another embracing couple on the floor, locked together at the lips, dresses ripped open and the boy with his hands up his partner's shirt. Both of them froze and looked up at him, horror written all over their faces.

He chuckled. "There must be something in the air tonight," he said. "You're lucky it's me who found you, and not Baki. Lady Temari's in for a hard time already," he laughed. "Hey, where's the guard gone?"

Naruto suddenly realised his position and jerked away from Ino, who whimpered and pulled her clothes over her body. "Wasn't there when we -" he croaked, still a little dazed, clenching and unclenching his left hand.

"Ah, he's probably off doing the same thing. All of you young folks, all passion and hot blood. I suppose there's no time like it when you're going to war in a week," The man said.

Ino ignored everything her body was telling her at the moment and made the man's word pull her back to reality. "Yeah - yeah," she choked out. "Listen, can you -?"

The sand nin raised his hands. "Hey, missy, I'm no snitch. Just make sure there's a guard here when you're," he snickered, "finished. Just be sure to mind the kunai, eh?" he laughed again, and Ino felt herself flush.

"Yeah, thanks, old man," Naruto said, "er -"

"I'm gone, I'm gone," said the Sand nin, shutting the door behind him, still chuckling. Ino crawled to her knees and made sure that he was really gone before she turned to face Naruto.

"Did we -" asked the Uzumaki, his mouth hanging open.

"Yeah."

"And I -?"

"Y-yeah."

"Oh," said Naruto, turning a deep red. "I mean - I'm sorry -"

"Don't worry about it," said Ino, more breezily than she felt. "It happens on a mission, right?"

"Right," said Naruto, before perking up. "Hey, the mission. Listen, Ino, I need to go, things have gone really, really bad."

"Yeah, yeah," said Ino, feeling oddly formal. "I'll be done here soon, and I'll find my way out. You guys be careful."

"You got it," said Naruto, grinning. "Hey wait," he said, his smile falling off. "My cheeks -" he gestured to the lines on his face.

In the sliver of moonlight arcing into the room, Ino found that Naruto's characteristic markings made him look rather roguish. She waved her hand at the curtain-like cloth hanging from the Sand bandana. "They hid most of it," she said. "And it was pretty dark in here."

"Great," said Naruto. "All right, I'm going to -"

"Hey, wait," she repeated his words. Naruto crouched at the window, still watching absently for the patrol. "How were you so good at it?" she asked, flushing a little.

Naruto smiled, a full, wide smile that lit up his entire face, and Ino felt heart flutter. "I had practice."

"Oh?"

"A good ninja never tells."

"Stop acting so smug!" Ino said, before lowering her head, "It was my first time, so -"

"Hey, Ino," she felt the rough calluses of his fingertips lifting her chin up, and then she felt his lips, riding over her own. Ino lifted her hands around his neck and opened up to his invitation, feeling his hands settle around her waist.

They stepped back, both breathing heavily, and Ino lifted her fingers up to feel her lips. She blinked, and the room was empty.

"My first kiss," she mumbled to herself, before feeling her lips curl into a smile. "That Naruto, acting so cool…"

"I'm going to make him take responsibility."

Shikamaru crept around the walls of the house as the commotion drew the attention of all the ninja in the area. He did not dare to breathe as he peeked in through the windows, sliding along the balcony of the house.

Lying in the third room from the end was the body of the proctor from the preliminaries, drenched in blood, chest weakly rising and falling. He had been bandaged roughly but the wrappings were already soaked red.

Shikamaru, for once, did not stop to think. He pulled the window open and crept into the room, landing next to the body. Without hesitating, he ripped the cloak of his back and tore it into strips, tying it tightly over the bandages.

"First aid, that's the right step," said a voice behind him, and Shikamaru felt the hairs on his arm stand up. "No, no, don't stop on my account, you're doing good, kid."

The voice was deep and entirely too gleeful. Shikamaru went through his actions mechanically, expecting a kunai through the back of his head any instant, but his body seemed to be on autopilot. His mind came up with and rejected hundreds of scenarios in milliseconds, because every one ended with his cold body next to the proctor's.

Bandages reinforced, he turned around to find a giant of a man standing in the corner. He was dressed in sand jonin fatigues, and his dark eyes were regarding Shikamaru's black getup in amusement.

Shikamaru pulled a kunai out of his pocket.

"Oh, a wee ninja tool," cooed the man. "Your chakra's suppressed, what are you going to do, tickle me with it?"

"You can't know that," answered the Nara, his mind flying. "Surrender, and the Hokage might still give you mercy."

The sand nin snorted. "What, that old fart? I eat ten of him for breakfast every day. You're going to need to do better than that."

"I don't, really. The entire place is surrounded, and the ANBU will mobilise in ten seconds. Kill me if you want, but there's no way you can escape."

"Now that's a good bluff," said the jonin, nodding his head in appreciation. "Unfortunately, I don't believe you. Also unfortunately, someone's coming."

Shikamaru whipped his head around as someone put their hands on the door to slide it open. Strangely enough, he heard a toad croak, and then he felt strong hands on his shoulder. The next thing he knew, he was standing somewhere pitch dark, his eyes unable to see even an inch around him.

The Nara didn't hesitate, stabbing himself in the knee with his kunai.

"Oof," said the same voice. "Now you're getting somewhere. You kids are really something, huh?"

A light sparked, and Shikamaru suddenly found himself standing in a long pink corridor, stretching endlessly on each side. The sand jonin was standing a few hands away from him, a little fire flickering in his fingertips.

"This sucks," he heard a voice coming from somewhere all around him, echoing through the area. "Temari gets to suck face with the Uchiha, and here I am, cleaning up the Sand's messes. How am I even meant to get rid of this with a puppet?"

"Don't look so freaked out, kid," the sand nin chuckled. "Come closer, it's about to get good, you don't want to miss this."

Shikamaru didn't move, raising his kunai instead.

"Oh come on. I could have killed you about five hundred separate ways in the past two minutes. I'm not going to do it now, just for the hell of it."

"Is that an indefinite promise, or?" Shikamaru asked dryly, but stepped forward. Suddenly the walls of the pathway turned translucent to give him a view of the room he'd just been standing in.

"Nifty trick, huh? You guys pulled a neat mission, but it was depressingly amateur. Always remember, the first rule is to not hamstring yourself by cutting off your chakra."

"I'm gonna need a storage scroll and lots of cleaner," muttered Kankuro through the diaphanous partition, setting his puppet down in the corner. The boy rubbed his temples before walking out of the room.

"So, he'll be back in about two minutes. What's the plan, chief?"

"Gut you, get out of here, get the body, get out. Get him medical help."

"Oho, a smartass, eh?" The jonin chuckled. "Don't sweat it. I've already given him some Plasma Pills. He'll bleed more, but it's going to keep him stable for a little more time. Little guy needs to stay alive just a little longer."

Shikamaru's brain stuttered to a halt at that, before changing directions and rumbling again. "Who are you?" he asked. "What's your game?"

"Now there's some manners, finally. Kids nowadays, you'd think they'd been raised in a zoo…" Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Oh hold on now, there's been a twist in this tale -"

Shikamaru watched as the window to the room slipped open, and Naruto crept into the room.

"So that's your partner, is he? To think I'd see him here, of all places. Gamajiro, belay my last order."

Everything clicked into place. "You're Jiraiya of the fucking Sannin," Shikamaru deadpanned, even though his body went weightless with relief.

"Fucking? Dear boy, I wish, I wish. Tsunade, not Orochimaru, before you ask. I don't know why that keeps coming up. Now, what's blondie going to do?"

"How do you know he's blond?" asked Shikamaru, before he could stop himself. Jiraiya turned his head to look at him. For the first time, Shikamaru noticed the red lines under his eyes.

"Kid, I'm the Leaf's spymaster. I know everything, now shut up and let me watch the show."

Naruto was crouched down next to the proctor, checking for a pulse. Suddenly, the blond looked up, and then he was climbing up to the rafters.

"Sharper hearing, hmm? Good reflexes, too," muttered Jiraiya.

The door opened, and Kankuro walked in again, holding a large scroll under his arm and a bucket of cleaning supplies in his other hand. Shikamaru watched Naruto watch Kankuro, looking like an overgrown bat looking down at the puppeteer.

"Come on, kid," said Jiraiya, as Kankuro unrolled his scroll. "Show me something good."

Kankuro placed the scroll on top of the proctor's body. Naruto crept down the other side of the room, and before Kankuro had unrolled it and made the seal, he had a kunai around the sand ninja's throat.

"Make a noise and I kill you," said Naruto, his voice a deep growl. Kankuro raised his hands slowly. Naruto reached into his pocket and started pulling out equipment, from kunai and shuriken, to small scrolls and a paintbrush. "Move and I kill you."

Kankuro did not move. Naruto reached his other hand into his pocket and pulled out what Shikamaru recognized as one of Choji's Plasma Pills. "Open your mouth," ordered Naruto. "I said open it!"

"Is he acting out the final scene from Action Ninja 9: The Return of the Black Wave?" asked Jiraiya incredulously. "What sort of idiot is this kid? Does he seriously think -"

Kankuro opened his mouth. Jiraiya slapped his hand to his face. Naruto forced the pill down Kankuro's throat.

"Swallow it or I swear I'll put a kunai through your throat," said Jiraiya, together with Naruto. "Kid's lucky that the Kazekage doesn't let his kids watch any movies. I've got one of my own adaptations coming out this winter," he added.

"You're insane," surmised Shikamaru.

"Oh, indubitably," said Jiraiya. "Hold tight now, he's gonna hit him with the good bit."

"That was a slow acting poison you just swallowed. Undetectable, untraceable, incurable," said Naruto menacingly. "It's got only one antidote in the world, and that antidote is in my safehouse. The plant that it came from is now extinct. You cannot find it anywhere else, you cannot make it yourself. In seven days, you're going to start feeling your toes get numb. By the tenth, you won't be able to touch your wiener and feel it. By the twelfth, you won't be able to speak. Fourteen days in," Jiraiya mouthed along with him, "you're going to be a prisoner in your own body. I hear they make you mummies in the desert. You're going to be locked into your own body while they dry you up, and then you're going to scream and scream helplessly while they shut you up and lock you away, until you die silently begging for help."

"Oh, a classic," said Jiraiya, wiping a fake tear from his eyes. "Beautiful delivery, kid's got real talent."

"What do you want?" asked Kankuro quietly. To his credit, his voice did not shake.

"I want you to think very carefully about what you love more. Your village, or your life."

"Oh, Ninja Impact 16," said Jiraiya, sounding delighted. "Your friend is a man of good taste, hmm."

"You are going to tell your superior that you disposed of the body. You will clean it up after I am gone. You will not speak of this to anyone, or you will be dead before the full moon rises."

"Night of the Ninja 4," murmured Shikamaru, before Jiraiya could speak up. "My dad loves that crap."

"Crap?" Jiraiya shot him an affronted look.

"All right," agreed Kankuro. "How can I get the antidote?"

"You can get it," Naruto paused, "by going up, and getting me the plans for the Invasion."

Jiraiya whistled, loudly and at length. "The balls on this kid. Where has Sarutobi been hiding him?"

Kankuro stiffened. "That's impossible. I can't -"

"You can't? You can't?" Naruto brought the kunai against Kankuro's throat. "You want to die now, or you want to die later, scum? Because you will die if you don't follow my every instruction."

"Ninja Bride 2: The Return of the Ninja Bride," said Jiraiya and Shikamaru together, and then looked at each other appraisingly.

"You don't know what you're asking of me -"

"I know exactly what I'm asking, Kankuro of the Sand," Kankuro's eyes went wide. "Yes, I know exactly who you are. I know who your family is. I know who you're working with. I know where you'll be sitting, seven days from now. You have a choice, Kankuro," said the Uzumaki, tugging threateningly at the sand nin's throat. "Make the wrong choice, and every one you love will be dead before they raise their weapon. Make the right one, and the Hokage might show mercy."

"I don't recognize that one," said Jiraiya. "A bit weak, compared to the other ones."

"It's probably an original. And why am I indulging you?"

Jiraiya winked. "I'm very charismatic."

Kankuro rose to his feet as Naruto kicked his weapons aside and backed away.

Jiraiya clicked his tongue. "And he was doing so well…" He made some quick hand seals and pointed his finger at Kankuro. The puppeteer stumbled for a second, before continuing out of the room.

"Genjutsu," explained Jiraiya without prompting. "Kid's good, but he forgot to warn him not to raise the alarm or return with weapons. Now he'll be too busy trying not to swallow his tongue out of fear to think about any of that."

Shikamaru mentally raised his estimation of Jiraiya's threat level to the top of his terrifying list.

Naruto scrambled to his feet, pacing around in frustration.

"Shikamaru, where the hell are you? You better not be dead or in Gaara's room when Kankuro gets there. Do I call for help? Call for backup? Argh," the Uzumaki ran his hands tensely through his hair. "This mission was a fucking roller coaster. I'm going to kick Ebisu's ass once I get out, he better pay me enough to buy a palace. Shikamaru, where the fuck are you, your mom's gonna kill me if you're dead…"

"You should let me out," said Shikamaru. "He's going to blow it if he keeps this up."

"Relax, kid. I'm here, aren't I? Let the kid take it all the way. He's done a solid job so far. Why Gaara's room, though?"

"It's the safest place to hide any plans. Gaara's got a defense nothing gets through, and he always carries a gourd of sand around with him. It's the perfect place to keep something you don't want to found."

Jiraiya hissed a breath through his teeth. "And two rookies figured this out? Hell, it would've taken me about thirty more minutes to find them."

"Naruto's a professional at this stuff," Shikamaru said, making Jiraiya peer at the boy in interest.

"Professional, you say? Can't say I dislike the sound of that."

Naruto stopped moving again and the door opened moments later.

"Stay outside," the blond called. "Roll the scroll into the room and leave it here. Return to the room in fifteen minutes. The scroll will be here, and everything else will be gone."

"Compensating for his lapse, nice."

"What about my antidote? Where do I find you?"

"Find me?" asked Naruto. "You're going to spend your miserable life looking over your shoulders, hiding from shadows, and afraid to leave your room. You're going to die inside, every day, until death is the only release you can find. And then, I will find you, and pass my judgement." Naruto paused. "Roll the scroll in."

Kankuro complied, and slid the door shut.

"And that's my cue," said Jiraiya. "Gama!"

There was a sudden sharp hitching feeling in his gut, and suddenly Naruto, the proctor, and the scroll were all flat on the ground next to Shikamaru.

"Hey what the fuck?" asked Naruto. "Shikamaru? What the -"

Jiraiya pulled a brush out and painted some lightning fast shapes on it. He produced another scroll with a puff of smoke and then made some hand seals. The next moment, both of them vanished.

"Hey Shika who is this guy - "

Naruto's words were cut off as Shikamaru felt another jerk in his gut. The next thing he knew, he was rolling out of something and onto the ground, and his friends were crying out in alarm and rushing to his side. Naruto groaned on the ground next to him.

"What just happened?"

Shikamaru felt something sticking to his forehead. Reaching up with shaking hands, he ripped a note off and focused on the words.

Thanks for the assist, kid. Taking Hayate to the hospital. Head over to the Hokage and wait your turn while the Uchiha has a new hole ripped into him. See you guys soon!

PS - Say hi to Naruto from me!

"Troublesome," muttered the Nara, and let the chatter of his friends wash over him. There would be hell to pay for this.