Crave his touch

The digital beep of the machine that is keeping his greatest opponent alive is turned off after what feels like an eternity and relief runs through Kabuto's tense body when he realises that this part of their arrangement is about to come to an end, and much unpleasantness will be buried along with it.

All the resentment, hatred and jealousy he has suffered over the years will not plague him for much longer, at least not from this particular source.

Kimimaro is updated on the situation with Sasuke and that Orochimaru isn’t going to take his old protégé as his new vessel after all.

It was decided a long time ago, when the first signs of illness started to make themselves known and Kimimaro probably suspected this outcome all along, but Kabuto knows what it’s like to keep clinging to hope, however desperate, and he derives immense pleasure from being the one to burst the final fragile bubble of anticipation.

Kimimaro was doomed from the moment he turned ill and yet he never faltered in his loyalty to Orochimaru, in his belief that everything he could possibly offer his master would be taken willingly.

Giving himself was always the ultimate sacrifice, to become the much-coveted vessel that would help his master achieve his goals. There was never a single moment of hesitation to someone so devoted as Kimimaro, and the fact that he has now failed to be of any use after all, is plaguing him more than actual torture.

His whole purpose in life has been stolen from him, all because the body his master craved turned into a weakness instead of a strength, and his cheeks turn wet from silent tears as he realises the painful truth.

The sight is delightful and Kabuto greedily licks it up, every miniscule detail of the other man’s agony, and he doesn’t even feel shame for deriving such pleasure from watching another human crumble underneath the horrible news that his own greatest dream will never become reality.

Kabuto never liked Kimimaro, his heart always brimming with hate born from the knowledge that the other one was their master’s ultimate favourite, no matter how hard Kabuto tried to prove his worth and the longevity of his devotion and loyalty.

He never could cause the same spark of interest that glimmered in Orochimaru’s eyes when he was looking at Kimimaro, it was simply a futile effort, however much Kabuto still tried to compete.

Orochimaru is after all not a person easy to intrigue, he has seen and experienced so much during his life that few things manage to pique his curiosity.

As a scientist he is curious by nature but for that true interest to shimmer in his eyes, making eager fingers reach for something truly desired, he needs to be presented with something very rare and Kabuto knows it.

Kabuto is also a specimen that once caught his master’s attention but in comparison to Kimimaro he is a stone lying next to a jewel, there has never been much of a competition and even if he knows that he serves his purpose and Orochimaru wants him by his side, there is a hierarchy and Kabuto would never reach the same level as Kimimaro, no matter how much he might have tried, especially in the beginning, before he learned how to hide his resentment better.

So for Kimimaro to earn Orochimaru’s attention so effortlessly, by simply being born with a talent few could compete with, certainly stings for a person like Kabuto who was raised with nothing and had to struggle to reach his full potential, a potential still not good enough for his master to crave with the same zeal as he craved Kimimaro until illness overcame him.

Even in his weakened state, with no longer any true purpose to Orochimaru’s plans, their fickle master still shows far more mercy towards Kimimaro than he otherwise would show anyone else and it grates on Kabuto’s nerves to such an extent that he doesn’t even feel an inkling of sympathy when he watches Kimimaro’s heart break, before struggling out of his confinement in bed to show his final devotion to the only person ever worthy of his adoration.

He looks striking, which is surprising considering his weakened state, but adrenalin might do wonders apparently.

Kabuto has always resented Kimimaro’s appearance as well as his talent.

It is exactly the type of beauty Orochimaru favours, memorable and striking where Kabuto knows his own appearance is bland at best.

Grey, mousy hair, glasses, no memorable features, kind-looking rather than imposing and very easy to forget. It works in his favour as a spy and infiltrator but he sometime wishes he looked like Kimimaro, or Sasuke or even Orochimaru himself.

No one forgets having met either of them.

He swallows the instinct to frown at Kimimaro’s prominent figure, this body will not reap any further rewards anyway, why waste energy on getting resentful over something that will wither and die soon enough?

It’s better to just enjoy the fact that his pointed words of information managed to rouse the patient out of bed for one final time, running towards death on eager feet to serve his master one last time.

It's a gamble, Orochimaru might very well get angry with Kabuto for sending his precious underling, however useless he is these days, out to fight those standing in the way of Sasuke reaching their lair.

But most likely Orochimaru’s interest in Kimimaro is so diminished by now that he might not care much how his most favoured protégé spends his final hours on earth.

Kimimaro turned out to be a summer flower at best, a beautiful specimen and no doubt fascinating for someone like Orochimaru who likes to collect the most promising and unique samples that can be found, but Kimimaro is now just a fancy that never made it to be of proper use when the weakness of his body started to betray the once promising young man and the ambitions placed upon his shoulders.

Kabuto is fully aware that becoming Orochimaru’s vessel is the only thing that ever mattered to Kimimaro, his devotion and love is so strong that it has burned with unwavering force and will continue to do so until the very end.

Well, that end is here now and Kabuto feels no regret to be the one to turn it into a painful and heart- wrenching experience for his greatest rival.

He is pretty sure Sasuke will be a handful to deal with when that day comes, but he is equally sure he will be able to handle that boy much better than he ever managed to endure his jealousy towards Kimimaro.

Petty until the very end, he tells his rival that Orochimaru no longer has any use for him and that the pain currently wracking through their master’s body is so agonising that the furthest thing from Orochimaru’s mind right now is the weakened state of a servant that has already served his purpose.

Knowing full well that this will increase Kimimaro’s guilt, spur him on to make a reckless decision that will push the inevitable end to come even faster, he might just as well take advantage of that idiocy and turn Kimimaro into the weapon he was always meant to be, one final time, and prevent the pursuers from Konoha to reach Sasuke to stop him from reaching his destination.

Naruto is just a stupid boy but his tenacity is no trifling matter. Kabuto suspects that there is more than just friendship that spurs him to save his team member with such ardent effort.

Orochimaru, when in a surprisingly confessional mood, once told Kabuto that Konoha is full of unrequited feelings and unresolved sexual tension, making the village a veritable honey pot of sticky situations, so if Naruto feels something more intimate than mere friendship towards Sasuke, he would hardly be the first nor the only one.

Kabuto thinks about Orochimaru once being one of those entangled in messy feelings and sexual strain, when he was a young shinobi and that village still was his home and the people there meant something to him.

He thinks of Jiraiya and Tsunade, of Hiruzen Sarotobi, of Danzo, of Anko, of other people that Kabuto knows nothing about but who once must have played important roles in his master’s life, possibly even making some sort of impact.

There must be at least some amount of unresolved feelings floating in Orochimaru’s wake, a tension that reaches its talons even into this day and age.

Orochimaru isn’t someone who tends to look back, he doesn’t get nostalgic, his eyes always directed at the future instead of into the past, but Kabuto wonders who it was that once had his undivided attention and the privilege of sharing his bed. The one who took his virginity. The fumbling efforts of young love.

Everyone has a past, whether they like it or not, and not even Orochimaru can always have been the imperious, self-confident person he is these days.

Considering his reputation of being a hero in his youth, one of the greatest shinobis ever seen while fighting in the war, he might have been very different back then, or at least good at pretending to be someone else, and with talent as well as a striking appearance, he can’t have lacked lovers.

Orochimaru is still a person who has his fair share of sexual escapades and many people are eager for his hard-earned affection, but it can of course never the way Kabuto imagines that it was when Orochimaru was still young and was considered a true promise, a hero and legend and the world was at his feet in a different way than what it is right now where he certainly has more power and knowledge but he needs to keep running and hiding if he wants to stay out of reach from his enemies.

Kabuto sometimes wonders if his master regrets the choices he has made with his life.

Granted, every choice was not made by him, some of them were forced upon him and he had to act according to circumstances, but deep down they are all results of decisions he made in the first place.

Kabuto doesn’t pity his master, he is certain that he will achieve what he has set his mind on and every plan he has is more interesting than the next, Kabuto never tires of watching him grow more powerful and untouchable.

But there is a small part of him, the part that doesn’t just follow blindly, that sometimes wants to rebel against his master because his own mind is pretty impressive as well and his ambitions are not small either, and that part of him is the one that sometimes wonders if Orochimaru is walking down the right path or if his decisions needs to be challenged by someone of his equal.

Someone like Kabuto.

If Orochimaru just bothered to think of him in ay other way than a mere subordinate....

That’s why he takes advantage of situation like the one with Kimimaro right now, to serve his own ambitions as well as seemingly helping Orochimaru with his.

This means that he is playing a game that could backfire if Orochimaru takes the news of Kimimaro’s imminent death hard, but considering that the young man has served his purpose and Kabuto still has value in his master’s eyes, he believes that the benefits will outweigh the drawbacks.

There is always a risk that Kimimaro’s mysterious illness could be going on for years if he was kept alive in the machine, and Kabuto simply can’t stand the idea of having his rival continuing to exist, no matter the pity state he is in.

There is no accounting for Orochimaru not deciding to visit his sickbed and turn those visits into something intimate simply because the bond they have forged over the years have consisted of so many nights in a shared bed together, with Kabuto standing outside in the dark hallways, fingernails pressed hard into the softness of his palms until blood breached skin, his breathing heavy and agitated, his eyes behind the spectacles fiery with rage as he listened to the couple writhing in pleasure on the other side of the door.

He can’t stomach the idea of that possibility and feels confident in the knowledge that he will never again have to endure it now that Kimimaro has risen from his sickbed, thereby erasing the possibility of ever making it back alive.

Kabuto holds no doubt that Orochimaru has known every envious and jealous thought that has ever crossed his underling’s mind, but they have never talked about it and Kabuto pretends that he doesn’t care.

It is to save himself from the embarrassment of a weakness he has trouble dealing with but is wise enough to know is part of his personality and won’t go away, no matter how much he might try to supress the ugliness of it.

As he watches Kimamaro leave the lair, hasty in his steps despite his severe condition, he looks just as magnificent as he did in his glory days and Kabuto is immensely grateful that Orochimaru isn’t there to see it.

Luckily Orochimaru is busy with tending to his bodily changes, the new vessel having merged with him by now and Kabuto laments the fact that it will be some time before he will be able to look at his master and see the appearance he is used to seeing, the one he desires and wishes he was allowed to merge with himself one day.

What he wouldn’t give to be allowed to offer himself up for a superior cause, like becoming the vessel of the greatest man he has ever known.

He laughs quietly at the ludicrousness of that kind of thinking, he has ambitions of his own and he isn’t as blindly devoted as Kimimaro, he knows full well why he is not considered a worthy vessel.

He has nothing of what Orochimaru desires in the ultimate vessel, not the looks nor the formidable talent.

He is good as a medic and he is a decent ninja and a great spy, but he is not outstanding and Orochimaru would never entertain taking Kabuto as his vessel when he has nothing to offer that would entice the demanding snake lord.

It’s better to have what he has right now, this way he still gets to be as close as possible to the only person he revers sufficiently to do his bidding.

As he enters the room where Orochimaru is once more seated in his chair, his face hidden behind bandages, his hair an unflattering nuance of grey, short and common, just like the fighter it belonged to before Orochimaru devoured him, the subject of Kimimaro is almost immediately breached. Orochimaru tuts disapprovingly but with a hint of amusement at what he perceives to be Kabuto’s cruelty and it is one of those few times when he openly hints awareness of Kabuto’s jealous nature.

Kabuto is quick to defend himself by explaining that Kimimaru sealed his own fate by running along to face his end, fighting his precious master’s battle as a last gift to a deity he never could stop adoring.

“Poor Kabuto, so petty with your feelings. I should punish you for telling him whatever it was that made him make such a reckless decision. I’m surprised he even had the ability to move his body considering the state he was in.”

Kabuto bristles at the accusation and gives his master a stony glare.

“Such worship and devotion can do wonders with someone who loves as much as Kimimaru adores you, lord Orochimaru. You will probably never find such blind worship again, someone prepared to give everything to you with so much dedication. You were a God to him, nothing less, and who wouldn’t do a final sacrifice to a deity they so strongly believe in?”

Their eyes lock while a poignant question hangs between them like a heavy drop about to fall.

Because what is keeping Kabuto here if not devotion and loyalty?

Some of Orochimaru’s subordinates fear him of course and a part of Kabuto does as well, but it is not the reason why he stays, why they all stay.

They are all just as hopelessly ensnared and nothing short of miracle will be able to break the spell they are under, they both know it, just like every other devoted acolyte does.

The bond of serving their lord is stronger than anything else and Kabuto is the first to turn his eyes away and change the subject when no words are enough to answer the unspoken question.

When Sasuke finally joins them, after much tribulations and chaos, and Orochimaru welcomes his presence with an eagerness that makes Kabuto gnash his teeth in annoyance, he tries to remember why he ever though the poisonous venom of jealousy would ever stop flowing through his veins the day Kimimaro died.