2022
The apartment this year was busier.
Maria had gone all out, dragging Val along for tree shopping, cooking plans, and even cleaning. Not that she’d admit it, but it was her way of keeping him grounded. Val had spent more time at SHIELD than at home lately, and she wasn’t going to let him disappear into his work. Not today.
By the time Clint and Kate showed up, the living room was already festive—red-and-gold garlands, twinkling lights on the tree, and a faint smell of cookies and spices coming from the kitchen.
Yelena was next, arriving with a bag of actual gifts this year and her usual sharp grin, though it softened when she saw Val sitting by the window. She didn’t say much—just nudged his shoulder as she passed and dropped a small wrapped box into his lap.
“Don’t open it yet,” she said, flopping onto the couch. “You’ll cry.”
Val snorted, despite himself. “You’re assuming I cry.”
Yelena gave him a look that shut him up.
They were all there now—Maria, Clint, Kate, Yelena—and the place was alive with the kind of energy Val was still learning to be comfortable with.
The next knock at the door startled him. Before Maria could answer it, the door opened, and Bucky stepped in with Sam Wilson behind him, both carrying bags that Val was pretty sure had food and alcohol.
“Well, look who’s slumming it with us,” Clint teased, rising to clap Sam on the back.
“You’re lucky we like Maria,” Sam shot back, setting his bags down.
Bucky glanced around the room and found Val lingering at the edge of it all. He raised an eyebrow, something wordless but not unkind. “What are you standing over there for, kid?”
Val shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Trying to decide if I’m awake or dreaming.”
“Definitely awake,” Bucky said, dropping onto the couch like he belonged there. “I’m not this fun in your dreams.”
That earned a faint laugh from Val, but it was brief.
Dinner was a success. Somehow, they’d ended up with three main courses, countless side dishes, and more desserts than anyone could finish. Val spent most of it listening, pretending not to notice how often Maria or Yelena glanced his way like they were checking on him.
“SHIELD Academy’s doing good for you,” Sam said at one point, studying Val carefully. “Bobbi says you’re holding your own.”
Val’s fork paused mid-air. “I’m trying.”
Bucky tilted his head, cutting through a roll. “Trying’s good. Better than not trying.”
Clint snorted. “High praise from Barnes.”
The laughter settled over the table, but Val felt the weight of the words anyway. He wasn’t sure “trying” was enough. Carsten’s voice still haunted his nightmares. Natasha’s memory still hovered over every mission he trained for. There were too many shadows.
After dinner, the gift exchange was loud and chaotic. Clint nearly knocked over the tree trying to give Yelena her box. Sam and Bucky opened matching scarves from Kate, both muttering something about “team bonding.” Val got a new holster from Maria, tactical and reinforced, like the one she always wore on her hip.
Yelena finally handed him the box she’d teased earlier.
Inside was a worn book, its leather cover scratched but sturdy. Val opened it, frowning as he flipped through the pages.
“Notes and Tactics of the Black Widow,” Yelena said softly. “Nat’s.
Val’s breath caught. He looked up at her, but she didn’t meet his eyes. “I thought you should have it,” she said.
He swallowed hard and nodded. “Thanks.”
Val slipped out to the balcony while no one was looking.
The cold air hit him immediately, crisp and sharp, but he barely felt it. He leaned against the railing, staring at the snow-covered rooftops below. The city lights stretched far into the distance, blurring through his unfocused eyes.
Inside, he could still hear the others faintly—Kate teasing Yelena, Sam arguing with Clint over something stupid.
Val closed his eyes and exhaled, trying to steady the tightness in his chest.
“Valerik?”
He opened his eyes as Yelena stepped out onto the balcony, her expression somewhere between exasperated and concerned. Behind her, Maria hovered in the doorway, arms crossed.
“I needed air,” Val muttered.
Yelena snorted. “This is not air. This is freezing.” She glanced back at Maria, then sighed. “Come on. Don’t do this.”
Val shook his head, looking away. “I can’t do it this year. I’m not there yet.”
Maria stepped forward, her voice soft but steady. “We don’t need you to be anywhere, Val. Just here. With us.”
He didn’t answer, his shoulders tight.
Yelena hesitated, then glanced at Maria and stepped back inside, leaving the two of them alone.
Maria moved closer, stopping at his side. “It’s loud in there, I know,” she said quietly. “But they care. I care.”
Val swallowed hard, gripping the railing. “I’m still trying.”
Maria’s hand found his shoulder, grounding him. “I know. And you’re doing good.”
He closed his eyes, her words settling something inside him. Slowly, he exhaled, his breath misting in the cold air.
“Come back in,” Maria said after a while. “Please.”
Val opened his eyes again, glancing toward the apartment. The light spilled out through the glass, warm and inviting, silhouettes of the others still moving inside.
Finally, he nodded.
Maria squeezed his shoulder once before leading him back in. This time, Val didn’t linger at the edge of the room.
For the first time in a long time, the noise didn’t feel quite so overwhelming.