Everything Sucks

Naruto groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He felt like utter shit. 

“Yo,” someone said. “Finally awake.”

“Ugh,” Naruto replied, looking at the person blearily. “Where am I?”

“The hospital,” they said. “You’ve been here for three days.”

“Three days?” Naruto shot upright, pressing his palms into his eyes. He finally recognized the voice as Shikamaru’s. “Why am I here? Where’s that old pervert? The last thing I remember—”

Naruto brought his hands down, clenching them into fists. 

“Yeah?” Shikamaru prompted.

“That piece of shit,” Naruto growled. “He threw me off a fucking cliff!”

The room suddenly grew darker. Naruto’s skin prickled with the abrupt chill that swept over him.

“Who?” Shikamaru asked in a low voice. 

“Jiraiya,” Naruto said through gritted teeth. “That lazy motherfucker. He kept telling me to use more chakra. I was holding back.”

There wasn’t much he wanted to tell Shikamaru, not yet. Not about Kurama, maybe about the toads. The hospital wasn’t the place for either conversation, though. Naruto could have used his chains to stop his descent, but the kyuubi was a secret Jiraiya already knew about. So he’d pumped a ton of chakra into his kuchiyose and brought out a huge toad named Gamahiro. Naruto actually thought he was a frog, since Gamahiro’s brown and mint green skin was smooth compared to the other toads he had summoned. He had two giant katana, which was awesome. He was a pretty cool guy, and not even that upset about being summoned midair in a ravine.

Then Jiraiya had made him try again, because Naruto had only used his own chakra to summon Gamahiro. That was when Gamabunta had shown up.

“Fuck,” Naruto said. “Did I miss the third exam?”

“It’s tomorrow,” Shikamaru said.

Naruto laughed emptily. “Great. I feel so ready.”

“You’ll be fine,” Shikamaru said, picking something up off the ground. It was a basket filled with fruit. “I brought this to share with Choji, but the medic-nin said he’s not allowed to have any.”

“Were his injuries that bad?” Naruto asked. “It’s been a month!”

“No,” Shikamaru said. “Asuma took us out for barbecue after I finished my own training. Choji ate too much.”

“Is that even possible?” Naruto asked, taking a pear. He was famished. “Let’s go see what’s up with him. I need to stretch my legs. Three days, for fuck’s sake…”

“What the hell is he doing here?” Naruto whispered. 

Shikamaru turned to look down the hall they had just passed. He could see the shadow of a giant gourd on the ground before the door slid shut.

“Nothing good,” he said, following Naruto down the hall. “Let me go first. I’ll immobilize him.”

Naruto nodded and moved to the side, letting Shikamaru take the lead. He motioned for Naruto to take a position next to the door. Someone was moaning in pain inside of the room. At his signal, Naruto slid the door open and Shikamaru leapt inside, his shadow unfurling and latching onto the intruder’s own. 

“Sabaku no Gaara,” Shikamaru said, frowning at the boy. Naruto silently appeared at his side. Shikamaru glanced at him, saw how the whiskers on his cheeks stood out. There was a dangerous air to Naruto, something wild. Feral. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Naruto demanded.

Shikamaru looked at the bed, and saw Yakushi Kabuto. He was either unconscious or asleep. Or pretending to be. There wasn’t much information on him. Kabuto had been promoted to genin at ten, and had remained a genin for almost a decade. He had been adopted by someone in the medical corps. That was it. 

And now he was covered in sand, and Shikamaru was using his kagemane to pull Gaara’s hand away from the prone man. He didn’t think he could do anything about the sand itself, unless he spread his shadow and captured every grain. 

“Well?” Naruto said. 

Gaara was staring at Naruto. Shikamaru pushed more chakra into his shadow. He could strangle the kid if he had to. 

“I was trying to kill him,” Gaara said, his voice emotionless. 

“Why?” Shikamaru asked. “You already crippled him. You won. Is it a grudge?”

“Not at all,” Gaara said. “I simply wish to kill him.”

“Oh, duh,” Naruto said sarcastically. “That was pretty dumb of us, Shika. Obviously he’s just trying to kill him for fun!”

“That’s a pretty selfish way to have fun,” Shikamaru said, watching Gaara carefully. “What kind of messed up childhood did you have? I’m sure you’ve got a good excuse.”

“If you get in my way,” Gaara said, “I’ll kill you too.”

“I’d like to fucking see you try,” Naruto growled, taking a step forward. 

“Calm down,” Shikamaru said. “But my friend here has a point. We know you can do your sand thing, and we’ve seen how strong you are. However, you’re at a disadvantage. It’s two-on-one, and you have no idea what either of us is capable of.”

To be honest, he had no idea what Naruto was capable of. A lot could change in a month. It certainly had for him. 

“I’ll say it again,” Gaara said, narrowing his eyes. “If you get in my way, I’ll kill you.”

Naruto laughed harshly. “I won’t die even if you kill me!”

“Naruto,” Shikamaru hissed warningly. “Stop provoking him. This guy’s got the strength of a monster!” 

Most people were unnerved by his kagemane. Gaara had shown no reaction at all. Shikamaru had never worried about someone breaking out of it, but it wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility.

“A monster, eh?” Gaara said, drawing his attention again. “I’ve been called that before. It’s true, in a sense.”

Naruto had gone still next to him. The suspicions that Shikamaru had been forming for years, the whispers and the stares and the curses spat at his best friend, the damning silence of his parents, the things they avoided talking about…it all snapped into place.

“As you said, I had a rather unstable childhood,” Gaara said. “I took the life of my mother when I was born. To make me the ultimate shinobi, my father had sealed a sand demon inside of me.”

Shikamaru saw movement from the corner of his eye, Naruto’s fingers twitching in ANBU signs. Shikamaru frowned at the odd message, but tilted his head in affirmation. He noticed that Gaara didn’t mirror him, which was not a good sign. 

“I was born a monster,” Gaara said. Beside him, Naruto softly snorted. 

“It’s called Shukaku,” Gaara continued. “It used to be sealed in a teapot. It’s said to be the spirit of an elderly Sunagakure priest.”

“Fucking idiots,” Naruto breathed. 

“Binding a spirit to someone before they’ve been born?” Shikamaru said. “To go that far…that’s insane.”

“They could have at least waited until after you were born,” Naruto said. “It’s only polite.”

“That’s not what a parent should do,” Shikamaru said. “What a twisted form of love.”

“Love?” Gaara asked. Shikamaru glanced at the red kanji on his forehead. “Don’t judge me by your standards.”

“It’s not love,” Naruto said, walking forward. “It’s duty.”

Naruto was making signs behind his back. He wanted Shikamaru to cut open Gaara’s shirt? What the hell? He saw chakra gathering at Naruto's fingertips. Some kind of technique that required skin contact?

Without thinking too much about it, Shikamaru pushed as much chakra as he could spare into his shadow, grabbed the bottom of his mesh shirt and ripped it off before Gaara had time to resist. Naruto darted forward, slamming his fingers into Gaara’s exposed stomach. The pressure in the room disappeared, and Shikamaru took in a shaky breath, surprised at how much lighter he felt. Gaara’s eyes bulged open in shock, then rolled to the back of his head. Shikamaru recalled his shadow, and the boy slumped to the floor, unconscious. 

Naruto easily picked Gaara up, a conflicted expression on his face. 

“We’ll have to turn him into ANBU,” Naruto said. He smiled crookedly at Shikamaru. “It’s a shame he’s batshit insane. I think we could have been friends.”

Naruto looked at his fellow competitors. There was Hinata, pale as always, but standing with stoic determination. Lee was bouncing in place, blushing every time his eyes landed on Sakura. Sakura looked different. Her hair was tied back into a bun, exposing the forehead she was so self-conscious of, and she had on a pair of gloves. Akamaru was barking excitedly from atop Kiba’s head, while Kiba smirked confidently. Tenten was playing with a kunai, smiling slightly. Maybe she thought Sasuke’s absence would mean an easy win for her. Shikamaru looked as bored as always. Gaara had been arrested. 

Naruto had been a little surprised Shikamaru hadn’t questioned him about what he had done to Gaara. It wasn’t like him, and Naruto felt dread at what conclusions Shikamaru had drawn. He was brilliant, and could make terrifyingly accurate guesses from the smallest amount of information. It wasn’t a secret how Naruto was treated in the village. It wasn’t a secret what the villagers feared most. Naruto remembered the first time he had seen Shikamaru. That angry shop owner who had called him a demon. It wasn't the first time Naruto had been called that, and it hadn't been the last.

But Shikamaru hadn’t asked him anything. He was waiting for Naruto to be ready to talk about it. 

He rubbed the back of his head, feeling strangely warm at how considerate his best friend was. 

I can’t go through this again, Kurama murmured. Kushina was bad enough.

What? Naruto asked.

You’ll figure it out, Kurama said. The sooner the better. At least I won’t have to endure that again.

What!?

Hayate coughed. “Stop looking around,” he wheezed. “Face the customers. This is the main event, and you kids are the stars of the show.” 

Naruto looked up at the roaring crowd and sighed. Being a shinobi wasn’t a spectator sport. He killed people. For money. Someone could die today. With Gaara out of the picture, and only Konoha genin fighting, that was highly unlikely, but accidents still happened. A kunai thrown too hard, a fall at the wrong angle. This crowd wanted to see it. They wanted their sanitized blood and violence. 

He looked at the Hokage’s box, surprised to see the Kazekage sitting next to the old man and not dealing with his incarcerated son. There was no way Konoha could hold Gaara indefinitely. He hadn’t actually killed anyone, at least not that Naruto knew of. 

Naruto stopped his musings as the Hokage stood. 

“Thank you all for coming to Konohagakure’s Chuunin Selection Exam!” the Hokage said. Since he and Naruto had handed over Gaara to ANBU, Shikamaru had done a lot of thinking. His respect for the Hokage was now non-existent. He slouched and looked up at a passing cloud. Naruto had a dumb smile plastered on his face. 

“So that’s how you’re playing it,” Shikamaru muttered to him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Naruto whispered back, devotion shining on his face. “I’m gonna make jiji proud!”

Shikamaru’s lips quirked. Let them think he was laughing at Naruto, and not with him. 

“We shall now begin the main matches between the eight contestants who made it through the preliminary round! Please stay and watch until the end! Enjoy!”

“Just to let you know,” Hayate coughed at them, “Gaara has forfeited. Other than that, the matches will proceed as normal.”

Naruto raised his hand. “Hey.”

“What is it?”

“What happens if Sasuke doesn’t show up?”

“If he doesn’t appear by the time of his match, it’s a default loss.”

Naruto lowered his hand, biting his lips. Sakura looked like she had swallowed a lemon. 

“What is Kakashi-sensei thinking,” she hissed, “making Sasuke-kun late!”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Tenten said airly. 

“Don’t fret, Sakura-san!” Lee exclaimed. “The flames of youth burn brightly in your teammate! I am certain he will arrive on time! If he doesn’t, I will—”

Tenten slapped her hand over his mouth. “Could you at least act like a respectable ninja?”

Hayate coughed loudly. “Hyuuga Hinata, Uzumaki Naruto, you have the first match. The rest of you, go up to the waiting room.”

Shikamaru shuffled behind the others, looking over his shoulder to where Naruto stood. His friend looked…guilty. What was he planning?

Naruto looked at Hinata. She didn’t seem as beaten down as she usually did, and was actually meeting his eyes. She kept looking at the stands, though, and Naruto followed her gaze. He saw rows of black-haired, pale-eyed people. Her clan. Possibly that shitty cousin of hers, her father, her prodigy little sister.

He could end it in one move, shut Hinata down immediately, and the best part was no one would even see it, except her and her clan. But then Hinata wouldn’t get a chance to shine 

Naruto grabbed his hair and groaned in frustration. Had she been warned not to flaunt any secret techniques? Would her family be proud of her being able to do them, or furious at her indiscretion? Was any of it his responsibility?

No, Naruto decided. It wasn’t. His normal taijutsu was a bad match for the Gentle Fist. It involved a lot of grappling and slapping seals onto people. 

“N-Naruto-kun?” Hinata said. 

He glanced up, realizing the match had already begun. Hinata had her Byakugan activated and was in her stance. People in the audience were jeering.

“Sorry, I was just thinking,” Naruto said, grinning at her. “Let’s do our best, okay?”

Hinata smiled tremulously, then nodded. 

Getting up close and personal with a Hyuuga was absolutely stupid, but Naruto did it anyway. It was better than making Hinata chase him around the arena. He charged right in. She easily slapped his first punch to the side, and Naruto followed the movement, letting himself fall to the ground and kicking up. Hinata leaned back, looking a little startled when he twisted around and kicked at her again. If he was going to do this—he flipped away, tossing a few shuriken at her—he was going to make it look good. 

Shikamaru groaned and draped himself over the rail. He thought he knew what Naruto was going to do, but apparently he had changed his mind and decided to drag it out. 

“What a pain in the ass,” he complained. He wondered how poor Hinata was interpreting this. Naruto was doing her a favor, playing to her strengths, letting her show off. She had probably seen whatever he had done in his match with Temari, had to know at least some of the tricks up his sleeve. 

“Hinata!” Kiba shouted. “Kick his ass!”

Shikamaru snorted, then glanced at Sakura, who was frowning. 

“He’s not using any—”

Shikamaru groaned louder, and she shot him a dirty look. 

“Don’t go saying things,” he said to her. “You’ll just give his next opponent an advantage.”

“His next opponent is me,” Sakura said fiercely. 

Shikamaru glanced at Lee, who was shouting encouragement to both Hinata and Naruto. “Maybe.”

“Definitely,” Sakura insisted. 

There was a lull in the fight. Hinata was saying something, and after a moment Naruto nodded. He took out a few smoke bombs and threw them on the ground. 

“What an idiot!” Kiba cackled. “Hinata can see through that!”

“That’s the point, moron,” Shikamaru mumbled, sinking to the floor. He yawned. “Wake me up when it’s our match.”

“You’re holding back,” Hinata said, a slight hitch in her voice. 

“I don’t want to show off any jutsu in front of an audience,” Naruto said, smiling apologetically. 

“Naruto-kun…”

He sighed. “It’s fine. I have a solution to that, but it’ll be boring for most of the audience.”

He dropped a few smoke bombs and was engulfed in the orange clouds. It was a disadvantage for him, but not much of one. He made a few shadow clones for Hinata to play with while he hung back, peppering her with weapons. He was surprised by the sound of clones popping out of existence, trying to process their memories. Hinata had spun around and produced some kind of chakra shield. Deflected his clones, the weapons, and dispersed the smoke. She stood in the center of a bare circle of earth, panting slightly.

“Holy shit,” Naruto said. “That was awesome.”

Hinata blushed. “Thank you.”

“After this,” he said, feeling a little ill, “would you like to go on a date?”

“Winner, Uzumaki Naruto,” Hayate announced before succumbing to a coughing spell.

“What the hell did he do to her?” Kiba shouted. 

Shikamaru slowly opened his eyes. “So he really did it, eh?”

“Hinata! Hinata!”

“Shut up!” Sakura snapped. “You’re more annoying than Naruto!”

“It could be worse,” Shikamaru said, watching as Hinata was carried out on a stretcher. “At least she isn’t experiencing blood loss. He held back.”

“Blood loss?” Sakura said, watching as Naruto left the arena. “What could he possibly—” her eyes widened. “No! He wouldn’t!”

“Everyone has a weakness,” Shikamaru yawned. 

“Rock Lee and Haruno Sakura, please come down.”

“Yes!” Lee shouted, jumping out of their box. 

“I’m not doing that,” Sakura said, turning to walk down the stairs. Naruto was just walking up, grinning from ear to ear. 

“You,” Sakura snarled. “We need to have a talk about how you treat ladies.”

Naruto looked confused by this pronouncement. “Okay, well, good luck.”

“Luck has nothing to do with it,” Sakura said, stomping away. 

“What crawled up her ass and died?” Naruto asked, shaking his head. “Whatever. That sucked.”

“What did you say to her?” Shikamaru asked, making sure to place himself between Naruto and Kiba, who was practically foaming at the mouth. 

Naruto chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head. “I asked her on a date.”

Shikamaru felt his heart stop. No, it was the entire world. He barely registered that Sakura and Lee had started fighting. “You what?”

Naruto sighed, looking defeated. “I know, I feel like an asshole giving her false hope. We can get food as friends or something, I guess. Maybe dango? Girls like dango, right?”

“Try your best, Sakura-san!” Lee shouted, giving her a thumbs up and a blinding smile.

“I wouldn’t know,” Shikamaru said flatly. “I only know what things you like.”

He was rewarded with a blush. “Shika! Knock it off, I want to see what Sakura—”

Naruto was cut off by a demonic voice emanating from the area. The stadium shuddered around them. 

“Don’t fuck with me!”

Haruno Sakura stood in the center of the crater she had punched into the earth with her bare hands, breathing heavily. She had studied the various fighting styles of Konoha relentlessly since their disastrous mission in the Land of Waves, trying to find something she could make uniquely hers. She was smart. She had perfect chakra control. She liked punching things. She was more than all of that.

She glared up at her opponent. Rock Lee looked back at her with hearts in his eyes. She had never had a boy interested in her, and even though Lee was decidedly odd, it was a little flattering. However, it wasn’t his attention she wanted.

“Amazing, Sakura-san!” Lee effused. 

“I know,” Sakura said, grinning at him. She also knew she wouldn’t be able to beat Lee in a straight taijutsu fight. It was a joke to even attempt it. She had seen how fast he could move, landing a hit would be impossible with her current taijutsu ability. 

Lee was still admiring her. Sakura closed her eyes and dropped a flash bomb at her feet, then quickly formed the signs for the jutsu she had worked on just for Lee. She used shunshin to get behind him, her movement controlled and flawless, pulling ninja wire out of her pouch. Lee was standing stock still, trapped in her genjutsu, staring dopily at the bunshin she had left behind to distract him. She watched him twitch, but the genjutsu had him paralyzed. In the seconds it took him to process this, Sakura already had the wire looped around his neck. 

“Forfeit,” she whispered, pulling the wire tight. “Or I’ll cut your head off. Trying to attack me will have the same consequence.”

She didn’t dare take her eyes off Lee to check the stands, but she knew Ino was up there watching her, seething with jealousy. Sakura smiled to herself as Lee raised his hand.

“What the hell is wrong with your team?” Kiba growled at Naruto, even as Hayate was calling their names. 

Shikamaru smiled to himself as he headed down to the arena. He passed Sakura, who was storming up the stairs with a vicious smile. Though the civilians in the audience wouldn’t be able to tell, it was obvious Sakura had used genjutsu. And she was fast, too, aiming for a swift and decisive victory. A drawn out fight would have been bad for her.

Shikamaru walked across the cracked ground, skirting the crater Sakura had made. It was a good distraction, and she had layered several more on top of that. Shikamaru would bet the genjutsu was a subtle one too, luring Lee into a false sense of normalcy. If she tried anything too outlandish he would have noticed immediately. 

He came to a stop in front of Kiba, who was setting Akamaru on the ground. Shikamaru wasn’t looking forward to how Kiba would react. 

“Begin,” Hayate said weakly. The proctor was looking rather pale. 

Shikamaru sighed, and his shadow streaked out to wrap around Akamaru. 

“Forfeit, or I’ll kill your dog.”

Kiba gaped at him, his surprised face quickly turning red with fury. Akamaru barked anxiously.

“Like hell you will!” Kiba shouted, charging him. It was, well, not a smart thing to do, but a thing to do. Long distance fighters were assumed to be weak in close combat. Kiba had no reason to think otherwise. What he should have thought about was the rather obvious shadow breaking off to attach to his own. Kiba froze, fangs bared and fist pulled back, and a shadowy hand spiraled up his body to clutch his throat. Shikamaru squeezed, just hard enough to make Kiba pass out. Akamaru was already unconscious, and Shikamaru laid him gently on top of Kiba.

“Winner, Nara Shikamaru.”

He walked away, ignoring the booing from the audience. They had no idea what being a ninja meant. 

Sakura was looking around nervously. “Where is he?”

“Sensei is always late,” Naruto said, leaning against a wall. He wasn’t looking forward to fighting Sakura. He had no idea what else she might have picked up. Genjutsu wouldn’t work on him since his chakra was constantly disrupted by Kurama’s. Her fists were dangerous only if she could catch him. She knew about his clones, and some of his fuinjutsu. Maybe he could summon a toad to swallow her… 

“Uchiha Sasuke!” Hayate repeated. 

Tenten was flipping a kunai impatiently. Naruto hoped she had more to her than weapons, for Sasuke’s sake. So far the fights had been horribly uneven, pitting one-dimensional ninja against those with a more diverse array of skills. 

A tedious hour passed, and Sasuke had still not appeared. 

“Do you think they’ll make us have our match?” Sakura asked him. 

“Maybe,” he said. “A lot of people are looking forward to seeing the Last Uchiha fight. That’s all the village has been talking about this month. The audience is here to see him.”

“They’ll delay as long as possible,” Shikamaru said. “What a pain in the ass. Draw your match out to buy him more time.”

Naruto glanced at Sakura, who was frowning in thought. He could outlast her on stamina alone. “We can do that.”

Sakura muttered darkly to herself, but looked up at him. “Fine. I won’t forgive you if you hold back, Naruto.”

Naruto smiled grimly as their names were called, watching as Sakura leapt directly into the arena. “You’d be dead if I didn’t.”