“It’s over, isn’t it?” He asked.
Kakashi sat on the rooftop of an apartment building, staring up at Hokage Mountain. His eyes were resting solely on his face. When they’d occasionally drift, he’s snap them back in place.
His question went unanswered, settling in the early morning air. He almost expected no reply at all, but then the figure behind him was moving forward. Gai, in all his early morning glory, collapsed onto his knees beside Kakashi.
Gai pulled him over into his arms, holding on as if he were holding Kakashi together. As if Kakashi wasn’t floating away already. He allowed him, allowed Gai the comfort of thinking he was helping.
He felt ridiculous. He knew, knew, that it was over. That it had been years since his Genin team had fallen apart and everyone had died. The bodies that existed would have already decomposed beyond recognition.
“Kakashi.” Gai murmured.
It was a simple whisper, hardly even a word. But hearing his name spoken without poison seemed to ground him back to reality. It made the hollow pain grow into something fierce.
He was shaking. Had he been shaking the whole time, or only now? He clung to the fabric on Gai’s arm, shutting his eyes. His breathing turned a bit erratic, but Gai only held on impossibly tighter. Maybe he really was holding Kakashi together, after all.
“I- I don’t… I-” He tried.
Gai shushed him, “It’s alright, Kakashi. I’m here. You can let go now.”
With that promise, he promptly lost all control of his body. As if he didn’t have years of training to keep himself together under the worst of circumstances, as if he wasn’t a child soldier or prodigy, as if he didn’t have the expectations of his village resting atop his shoulders. He began to cry.
Obito’s eye soaked his Hitai-ate, making the material wet and itchy. He couldn’t bring himself to care enough, as he buried his face in Gai’s arm. A few moments in, he took notice of Gai shaking around him. Then he heard the soft hitches of breath and realized that Gai was now crying as well.
A bitter part of him wondered why. Gai hadn’t lost his team as he had, and this news was years old. The bigger part of him understood in a way he never could have when he was younger. Understood beyond chalking it up to Gai being emotional.
Kakashi pat his arm once, not sure if it was meant to be reassurance or not. His tears were gradually slowing, despite having only arrived. He wanted to be upset with himself. He wanted to want to cry more for them, as they surely would have if he’d been in their stead.
He only felt the hollow ache and a large vacuum of nothingness.
Gai pulled away, wiping his snot and tears off on his sleeve. His eyes were red and glassy, something Kakashi’s weren’t.
“I’m sorry, my beloved rival.” He said.
Kakashi shrugged, looking back out at the village. It was eerily dark, as the sun had yet to rise. Shadows seemed to creep over the whole place.
He said, “I should move on already.”
“No!” Gai shouted.
It wasn’t loud, more of a demand than anything. It still startled Kakashi into looking over at him. Gai was giving him a stern, slightly frustrated look.
“You need to heal, yes. And moving on is a part of that.” He said, “But the way you say it? As if you should simply forget about all of them, and never become saddened? That’s not moving on Kakashi. That’s ignoring your grief.”
There was a beat of silence, and then Gai deflated. He rested his hand on Kakashi’s knee.
He said, “It’s… It’s okay to feel hurt and upset when somebody leaves you, Kakashi. You do not need to always be strong.”
Kakashi scoffed, “Tell that to the village, the council, to-… Tell that to their child.”
His hand gripped into a fist, and he glared at Gai. Gai, for his part, didn’t seem remotely offended.
“I will.” Gai stated.
What? “What?”
“I will.” He said again, “I will tell the council. I will tell the Hokage, and I will preach it to the streets every day. I’ll sit Naruto down and explain to him that people hurt. All people. Because that’s what you are, Kakashi. A person.”
Kakashi’s first instinct was to shove the other and tell him to not be stupid. The thing was, he didn’t doubt Gai. No matter what he did, or what people said about him, Gai stuck to him like glue. For some reason, he cared deeply for Kakashi.
Because of this, Kakashi had been learning to reciprocate where he could. To become a half-decent person. He couldn’t… He couldn’t stand the thought of Gai ending up like them. Dying, because he was helpless. Dying and being unable to hear or say anything to him ever again.
Minato had always been able to read Kakashi. He was able to understand and get through to him. He’d been… He’d been the guidance that Kakashi had needed.
Kushina had simply been too stubborn to let Kakashi pull half the things he did with most other people. She usually had a hand or spoon ready to knock the back of his head when he was being stupid, and then food to apologize with.
Kakashi had taken them for granted, believing that they’d always be there. Even if he logically knew that they’d die one day, he’d believed himself to be the first to go in the war. Then Obito and Rin had died, and he’d shoved them away despite them doing everything they could.
He wished he could go back, sit down for just one more dinner and listen to them fight. He wished he got the chance to tell them how much they meant to him and others. To know what a hug would feel like when he returned it.
He didn’t get to go back.
He often wondered, if he lived beyond Gai’s years, if he’d look back and regret. Regret not taking the other’s extended hand, regret not talking, regret not doing a lot of things.
His indecision in what to say prompted Gai on.
He said, “You can grieve, and you can hurt sometimes. I promise, you may always come to me and I’ll sit and grieve with you. I understand you, Kakashi.”
Gai’s hand slipped off, and he shuffled a bit to be seated beside the other comfortably.
“You do not cry easily, I know. But crying isn’t the only way to mourn, and isn’t the only sign of a hurting heart. Not to mention young Naruto.” He said.
Kakashi frowned at that, not that the other could see it.
“What about Naruto?” He asked.
Gai answered, “You do not wish for his example to be invincible. Children are impressionable. He may believe that there is something wrong with him, or others, for crying or being upset.”
Kakashi sighed, resting his head on his knees as he mulled the thought over.
“Maybe you should take care of him instead. You clearly know more about kids.” He said.
Gai didn’t respond for a moment, and Kakashi grew a bit nervous. He had only been half-kidding. Naruto could use someone like Gai in his life permanently. They had similar morals, energy, and interests. Not to mention, Gai would know what he was doing to a point.
Gai spoke, “I’d be more than happy to help you care for him. I’ll even move in with you! But… I’ve seen you interact with that child. He loves you, Kakashi. You love him. You have each other now, and I can tell you don’t want to let go.”
“It would be better for him.” Kakashi said.
“Would it be better for either of you? The village, unfortunately, does not see him as the kid he is.” Gai kept Kakashi from cutting in, “Alongside this, I do not understand or hold the history of family that you do.”
Kakashi scoffed, “I’m not their family. I never was.”
“You cannot say that with such certainty. They both loved you, in a way they never did Rin or Obito. They took you in, and parented you.” Gai said.
Kakashi glared at the faces of the Hokages.
Gai continued, “Even still, is Naruto now not yours?”
“He’s still their kid.” He spat.
He didn’t… He didn’t understand why he was so worked up over this.
Gai pressed on, “Yes, of course. But he’s now also yours. Maybe not in the same way he’s theirs, or maybe it is the same. No matter, he’s still your family too.”
Kakashi didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve that title, and he didn’t deserve Naruto.
Gai said, “Family is not limited, nor is it bound by only blood. Family is chosen.”
“I wasn’t their choice.” Kakashi said.
Gai paused at that, before going to open his mouth. Kakashi didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want him to restate that he couldn’t say that.
Not when, “Their choice was Naruto.”
It slipped past his lips without permission and left a bad taste in his mouth. He’d never released that confession before, not even to himself. Surely the ghosts of his loved ones had just pulled away for what he’d said. If they hadn’t already, they’d of shunned him right then.
Gai fell completely silent next to him. He wasn’t even fidgeting. Kakashi tucked into himself as much as he could, placing his head on his knees. He felt like a child. He didn’t jump when that same hand returned, now placed upon his shoulder.
“Kakashi.” He whispered.
It felt eerily similar to before. Kakashi attempted to wave away his words, but Gai didn’t allow it. Instead, the man enveloped him once more and forced Kakashi to pause. He was shaking again.
Kakashi said, “They-… They chose to have Naruto, knowing how risky that was. I-”
He stopped himself, throat refusing to open enough to allow him to speak. He felt like he was disrespecting everyone, felt like the poison people claimed him to be. Yet, there was a part of him that felt different. Inexplicably so. It didn’t feel amazing, but it did feel better. Almost freeing.
Gai didn’t press for more, and he didn’t stop Kakashi from continuing to speak. He just listened.
“They loved him before he was even born.” He said, “Of course they would. He’s their son. Their real one.”
It hurt because it was true. Kakashi didn’t believe in blood being thicker than water. One look at the Uchihas would prove that sentiment false in the worst of ways. But even if Naruto had simply toddled into their life, they would have chosen him. Because there was something there Kakashi never had with them. Something that Kakashi would never have with anyone.
Gai pulled back a bit, but Kakashi refused to raise his head to meet the other’s gaze.
“I think… I think that it’s not unfair to be upset by that. They should have been more careful.” He said.
Kakashi wanted to yell. He wanted to fight Gai but also agree with him. It left him lost on what he should feel, say, or even do.
Gai continued, “Maybe they also did choose him over you, on accident or purpose. But does it truly matter now? Naruto is here. He’s chosen you to be his family. He loves you and wants you. I want you.”
“You shouldn’t. Nobody should want me.” Kakashi said.
Gai chuckled, “Fortunately for you, I’ve never been good at listening to your demands.”
Kakashi looked up, the barest of smiles gracing his face. Gai was still looking at him with that caring, sympathetic look but his own smile split his face. The sun was now rising, casting Gai in an ethereal warmth. It made him feel real. Alive.
Kakashi blinked it from his eyes, glancing over at the village as the early morning light bathed it in a soft glow. Even he could admit that it was beautiful.
Gai stretched, hopping up onto one foot with a bounce. He never could stay still. He was also behind on his morning workout, thanks to Kakashi.
So, as Gai fell into a different stretch, Kakashi also stood from his spot. He briefly felt upset for not mourning longer, but a few pains from sitting so long took that apart almost instantly. He stretched a moment himself, before rushing for the edge.
“Last one to the apartment pays for dinner tonight!” He called.
He grinned as he went sailing down the side, catching himself just a row from the window he needed. Gai, never one to be easily beaten, rushed for the said window as well by simply scaling the side.
He yelled, “Do try not to wake Naruto, rival. He had a long night as well.”
That gave Kakashi enough of a pause that Gai could touchdown first. No doubt about it being the intended effect.
He realized that he must not have been as quiet as he’d hoped during his escape earlier. Or he’d been having night terrors again, and just didn’t remember them this time.
A brief wave of worry struck him, but he forced himself to calm down. If Naruto had gone to get Gai, he’d only have gone a few doors down. It wasn’t likely that he ran into anyone. He also trusted that Gai would have dealt with anything in his absence.
Speaking of, Gai poked his head closer from inside the apartment. He grinned at Kakashi, who was sat upon the window sill.
“Coming, rival?” He asked.
Kakashi let out a soft sigh, before sliding inside as well. He knew exactly what they were having for dinner. It was definitely to annoy Gai from eating it so many times, not to apologize or treat Naruto of course.
“Yes, yes. How’s ramen sound?” He asked.
“Ramen?!” A new voice sounded from the apartment.
He supposed the noise complaint would be worth it, as an orange blur came flying out of a room and crashed into Gai. Both went down laughing.
Kakashi let a small smile tug at his lips beneath the mask, a feeling that grew more familiar almost every day he shared with the two. Gai and Naruto, his precious people. His family.