Deidara watched as you carefully carved a cross out of wood. It was a sentimental thing but Deidara thought it suited you. You were quite the sentimental person.
Little things always seemed to get you.
A small wooden box hidden in the corner of your room was filled with little tokens and trinkets you had acquired from all the special people in your life. Deidara remembered stumbling across it one day. He remembered the urgency in your face when you thought he had done something about it. He remembered the utter relief you expressed and the soft look that filled your eyes when you realised that nothing had happened to it. Most of all, Deidara remembered the tears you secretly tried to wipe away as you explained each and every story to Deidara.
He, who was now buried beneath the ground, had taught you how to carve things out of wood. It seemed almost fitting that you would be the last one to ever carve him something.
“(Y/n).” said Deidara.
You gave a “hm?” in response.
You didn’t bother looking up at Deidara, instead slowly leaning towards him to signal that you were listening. For a moment Deidara wasn’t all too sure if he really wanted to say what he was going to say. It wasn’t something normal people said to each other.
Uncertain if he should speak his mind or not Deidara instead begins with, “you know that shinobi should always try their best to cut themselves off from their emotions.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“You suppose?”
“I’ve always considered myself a human before a shinobi. Truthfully, I’ve never really cut throat enough for the life of a shinobi.”
“Then why would you choose this life?”
“Because I owe it to everyone that couldn’t do it themselves.”
Deidara feels a strange pang in his chest as he watches you. It’s not exactly pity but sympathy is much too intimate. Deidara can really only describe it as something melancholic and foregin. Distant and unknown.
Deidara raised a brow, “everyone? Well, aren't you self important.”
“I suppose it seems that way.” you paused your carving, “but that’s not what I meant. I owe it to everyone that has died for me. To all my friends who should have been shinobi.”
There’s such a sad and earnest look in your eyes. Deidara has to think long and hard if he has ever seen such an expression before. In this life that he has chosen to live he can see that the people are harsh and unforgiving. That they are cold and calculative. That their true feelings are masked by what others believe they should be.
You, on the other hand, had always been so expressive. You weren’t temperamental, and hotheaded. You didn’t jump into things and act on your emotions, but you were always honest about how you felt. You unapologetically loved, hated and lived. It was refreshing to Deidara and alluring, in a strange way.
It was definitely abnormal but Deidara had never really been normal in the first place.
And you had never been all that normal either.
After a brief moment of internal debate, Deidara finally said, “don’t be sad when I die.”
You finally looked away from your uncompleted makeshift cross, “why not?”
Deidara leaned down towards you, a rare frown evident across his soft features and his blue eyes lost into the distance.
---
If you close your eyes long enough your mind will take you into another world.
Deidara, ever since he was small, had always wanted to slip away from his reality, if just for a moment, and into a world of his own creation. In this world, Deidara could create anything his heart desired - yet it was not one of his own creations. There were many others in this world with their own abilities and their own skills that overshadowed Deidara’s own.
In a world of your own creation, you could be anything you wanted to be. Be anyone you wanted to be. Here, you were what everyone else expected you to be.
Deidara had been leaning back in a chair, bored, as he waited for you to finally enter the room. He had been told that he would be running a mission alongside you while Sasori took time to heal.
You were always fun enough to hang around.
Maybe you were a little boring sometimes but that didn’t mean you weren’t fun to mess with. There was always a strange air around you. Deidara wasn’t quite sure if he would be able to place it but the other members of the Akatsuki had agreed with him.
You were weird.
Maybe even weirder than the rest of them combined.
Which was a little ironic considering you were probably the most normal looking of them all. You didn’t have any strange eyes or significant looking features. You didn’t have bright hair or weird coloured skin. You were plain and almost unmemorable. Pain and said something along the lines of how someone like you blended into crowds better and was harder to be caught.
Deidara thought you were boring.
Nothing was wrong with being boring. It was just… well as the word said.
When you entered the hall you looked like a mess. You had a cowlick, sticking your hair up in a strange place and you were rubbing your eyes as if trying to adjust to the light.
“Well good morning sleeping beauty~” Teased Deidara.
You only nodded in response.
“So do you know what the mission is or-”
“We’re waiting for Kohan-san.” you said, “she should be here in about an hour or so. She was supposed to be here earlier but she got delayed with something.”
“Great.”
You nodded, taking a seat at the table and putting your head down.
Deidara watched you for a while from where he sat. Unlike you, Deidara never seemed to be able to sit still. If he wasn’t making something out of clay he was shaking his leg or playing with his hair.
Sasori usually scolded him but Deidara didn’t care all too much about what his partner thought.
Sitting still just felt utterly uncomfortable.
“So… Do you just plan on sleeping until Kohan gets here?” Asked Deidara.
“I had planned on sleeping, but I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep if you keep talking to me.”
“Well you could just ignore me.”
Deidara had expected you to snap. He had expected you to roll your eyes before proceeding to ignore him. He had expected you to leave the room and return later. He had been expecting almost everything else except for what you did.
Your head perked up from the table, your eyes suddenly brimming with curiosity as you asked, “why would I ignore you when you’re trying to make conversation?”
“Because you find me annoying?”
“Even then, I still wouldn’t ignore you.” you sat upright, “actively ignoring someone is something I absolutely hate. So why would I intentionally ignore you?”
In all his years of knowing you, which admittedly wasn’t much, Deidara hadn’t expected you to be such an earnest person.
While there was always the option that you could be lying, Deidara had concluded you hadn’t been lying from the look you got in your eyes.
Your eyes were bright and eager. So much honesty. More than Deidara had ever seen from any other shinobi.
---
‘Because I hate it when you’re sad.’ are the words that do not leave Deidara’s mouth.
Instead, the blonde shinobi stares at you for a while. Taking in the earnesty and concern in your eyes instead. You seem to find his words suddenly so much more captivating than your current task and Deidara isn’t sure if he should feel accomplished or horrible.
Your attention is something to be coveted. It is a precious commodity that is rarely bestowed upon those like him. You are delicate and fragile yet contradictorily strong. So much stronger than Deidara could ever be when it came to facing his own fears. When it came to facing his own emotions.
He fears the words that are about to leave his lips because he knows that those words will reveal him to be a person that you might not like. A person that you might not want him to be and that scares him. It scares him because it would make him a person that he does not want to be.
---
“What’s your most vivid memory?” you asked, leaning in towards him curiously.
Deidara smirked, feeling a sense of satisfaction from your attention, “well, there was a pretty girl like you in it.”
“And what were the two of you doing?”
Deidara had intended a dirty joke of some sort. Most of the Akatsuki members were older than Deidara or just much more stern. You, despite being around his age, seemed so much younger than him. You were so naive and innocent. Speaking to you was almost refreshing for Deidara. Especially in this strange new world.
Eventually he answered, “laughing.” He didn’t answer that way because he thought it would make you happy or further capture your interest. He said that simply because it was the truth; and someone like you deserves nothing less than the truth.
“That sounds really pleasant.”
“What about you?” He asked.
You pause for a moment. You open your mouth to speak before pausing for another long moment. It is almost as if you have lost all sense of time as you seemingly stare at the wall. Eventually you begin with saying, “all emotions fade away eveutnally, but did you know that sad memories can evoke the same amount of sadness from you as what you felt in the moment. But happy memories can only ever give you a fraction of the same amount of happiness?”
“Come again?”
“I mean, bad memories stick with you. Good memories tend to fade away.” you smile sadly and Deidara feels a strange feeling well up in his chest, “I suppose it's just my way of explaining my strange answer before I give it to you.”
Deidara is hesitant but still proceeds to ask, “and what is your answer?”
“Crying.” you say, “my most vivid memory is of me crying.”
And suddenly Deidara feels horrible. He has never really considered himself a nice person, but he isn’t a horrible person either. Sure, he kills people in the name of his art but there are definitely worse people out there. There are definitely people out there who could do much worse things so why did he feel so bad.
This is just annoying.
You lean in to brush his hair back but Deidara is quick to grab your hand. Your expression is apologetic but your voice is calm as when you say, “don’t feel bad.”
“I’m not.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure!”
“Well then, if you say you’re sure then you must be sure. After All, who knows our own feelings better than ourselves, huh?”
Deidara feels as though you’re teasing him but he can’t figure out why. Usually when people tease one another there’s a subtle amusement in their expressions. You seem to wholy and earnestly believe in what you are saying. Almost so much that Deidara feels as though he’s going to go crazy.
You smile, “I was going to say that if you felt bad you shouldn’t.”
“And why shouldn’t I?”
“Because you’re still so young. Being young gives one the excuse to behave rashly and without concern of how others feel. Being young is an excuse to be selfish and carefree. Though I would caution you to be careful because while being young is an excuse to break hearts it does not exempt you from the consequences.” you explain.
“Aren’t you younger than me?”
“Huh.” you looked almost puzzled at the question, “I’m not sure how old I am.”
And what can Deidara do but believe you?
You speak as if you are wise beyond your years before making a remake similar to that of a young child.
While annoying, Deidara has to admit that he finds it rather… enduring.
Something uniquely you.
---
“Because being sad sucks.” is what Deidara finally says after the long period of silence between the two of you. “And besides, as shinobi, we shouldn’t be having those emotions in the first place. We’re meant to be cold killers. Assassins.”
You frown deeply, “would you be sad if I died?”
‘Yes.’ is what first pops into Deidara’s head. It’s followed by a cold and empty feeling in his chest. The feeling is so baren that Deidara momentarily wonders if his heart is still beating in the first place. If it has been stolen out of his chest and replaced with cold, dead clay.
The flush in his cheeks is enough to call him back to reality.
He is alive and he is here.
“No.” Deidara respondes, “it would be unfortunate for the group. Especially with your skill set, but I don’t think I would be all too sad.”
You leave the wooden cross that you have finally finished. You have nudged it between two rocks before making your way over to Deidara. You look at him with such an honest and earnest smile that Deidara wonders if he has wandered into a dream land of some sort.
You smile sadly when you say, “I would be sad if you died. Death is always sad.”
And that was when Deidara knew for certain.
Fall in love with someone’s honest ethos.